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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 04/09/2019 11:18

The hour walk into town shouldn’t be a problem for a 18 year old unless he has a disability you haven’t mentioned but even shopping in town £120 wouldn’t be enough for a weeks food if he was expecting to go out to bars as well. It would just about cover enough to fed him if he shopped cheaply.

aqua00 · 04/09/2019 11:18

I think if you couldn’t afford it, then you shouldn’t have sent him OP. Sorry.

Presumably you could have looked at the website and got a sense of where it was in relation to the town? Also if it was a 4 / 5 star resort etc.

You can’t really expect this family to -

a) change their plans to facilitate your DS going into town to buy Pot Noodles etc. This is ridiculous.

b) fund him

So if this is what you mean by “more consideration”, I’m sorry but you YABVU and highly entitled.

In such occasions, you overestimate the budget or don’t send them at all. In fact, you should have insisted on your son buying them dinner on at least one occasion to say thankyou for the holiday. And as for the other mum making a “barbed” comment about him paying for himself - she shouldn’t even have to spell this out to you fgs! Sounds like she sensed you were expecting her to subsidise your son. How embarrassing.

LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 11:19

He also won’t waste his own savings on the hotel food as he has saved it for uni

Well then he needs to walk to town

xtinak · 04/09/2019 11:19

Gonna go out on a limb here and say, yes they should be more considerate. I'm fortunate enough to be from a wealthy-ish family and honestly they would have just ended up paying for my friend if we were eating together, or given me money to pay etc. They're not filthy rich or anything but that's what they'd do and have done, whether or not the fried was rich or poor or anything. I think it's weird to invite someone along and not do that.

Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:21

That’s the issue- we DID ask the friends parents, they assured us there were cheap bars. We made it clear DS would have enough for cheap pub lunches and they said they wouldn’t be visiting fancy restaurants. We did say if the area is super expensive then no, but they said it has plenty of cheap places. If the town had been nearby as they said, then there would be no issue.

I’ve given DS £120 as this is what I can afford, he has his own money he can make up the difference with for what he would have needed but as I mentioned, he won’t spend €40-€50 on one small meal. I have an inkling DS has a fair amount saved up, but I cannot ask him to spend his own money on food he doesn’t want to buy.

I’ve asked my sister to borrow money briefly. We are normally not this hard up but just had car MOT’d and had a lot of work done which cost so much! (Italian car ironically)

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 04/09/2019 11:21

Whatever the situation I wouldn’t eat expensive food while someone in our group goes hungry ( especially if I had plenty of money). I really couldn’t enjoy it if I thought one of the dc friends wasn’t eating enough.
However, if he does have money but wants to save it for Uni that’s slightly different

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/09/2019 11:21

CopperTrolley but presumably you're in charge of your own meal choices etc? If you're the guest, you have to assume that at least a few times you'll eat out etc. If they're doing activities every day and paying for his accommodation then I don't think that £120 is nearly enough, even with cheap bars - he should have enough to pay for 2 meals a day plus drinks PLUS something for the family. If that wasn't possible, it should be discussed in advance.

Like others say, sounds like he needs to opt out of an activity and walk (or jog) down the hill to get some supplies, and he needs to dip into his uni savings a bit.

Bloomburger · 04/09/2019 11:21

It's not even £50€ in Venice for a sandwich.

We've just been to Italy and as a whole family of 4 ate comfortably with wine and 2 courses for £140 a meal in the main square in Siena. Most places you can get a pizza for £10€.

He needs to move his bottom rot he shop.

Badwifey · 04/09/2019 11:22

I would expect £20 Just to cover dinner alone while on holiday never mind lunch and alcohol and anything else he wants.

It was a generous offer from the parents but he really shouldn't have went unless he had at least £400 spending money.

Drabarni · 04/09/2019 11:22

He shouldn't have gone. My kids couldn't have afforded Italy at that age, it's an expensive country to visit. It's a good lesson for him to live within his means. I have no idea what possessed either of you to think this was a good idea.
YABU, nobody needs to show consideration for you not being rich, except yourself.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/09/2019 11:23

No, I'm sorry, but if you're inviting a child on a holiday with you, you expect to pay for their meals.

We have friends who don't earn what DH earns. We've taken their DC on trips away and days out and never accepted money for them simply because we were the ones inviting those children to do things our children loved. If they'd invited our DC to do activities I'd send money but I wouldn't ever expect other parents to sub things our DC want to do. I'm sure I'd feel differently if we didn't have the money, but OP says this family aren't struggling financially, so why not just take everyone out for meals?

What kind of adults won't just buy a teenager a meal if they're buying food for their own DC? It's not about tit for tat - your DCs mates should be treated as well as your won DC when they're with you, not left to go hungry.

AmIThough · 04/09/2019 11:23

If you can't ask him to spend his own money why should your sister possibly lend you money? Don't be ridiculous.

If he can't afford the food, that's one thing. If he can afford it but just doesn't want to pay, that's something else entirely.

lavenderbluedilly · 04/09/2019 11:23

Agree with others that you didn’t send enough. We usually budget €50 per person for food/drinks for a European holiday. At £20 per day, even if you went somewhere cheap for lunch and dinner, that still doesn’t leave enough for extra drinks, ice creams etc. I remember bringing £600 on a fortnight holiday in Spain when I was 18 and that was over 20 years ago! (And it was from my part time job, not my parents).

If I were the inviting family, I would be providing all meals, but it’s understandable that not everyone feels the same way.

RushianDisney · 04/09/2019 11:23

It is what it is, unfortunate that his holiday is now more stressful than pleasant. I do think the parents should be rectifying the situation though and sorting out his food for the rest of the trip, it's no good commenting on how little he is eating with faux concern without feeding the boy. DD will be an only child so we will take a friend on holiday for her once she is older - I wouldn't dream of asking the parents to fork out for food on a holiday we offered. Some money provided for fun spends by parents fine, but I really think if you've invited a guest you should be paying for everything.

lavenderbluedilly · 04/09/2019 11:24

*€50 per person per day, I should have said

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/09/2019 11:24

No, I'm sorry, but if you're inviting a child on a holiday with you, you expect to pay for their meals.

Not a child, an 18 year old. And they're paying accommodation and activities every day, it doesn't sound like it's all being scrimped.

NoBaggyPants · 04/09/2019 11:24

£20 a day is easily enough in Italy if you're not drinking alcohol.

OP the supermarkets in Italy often have cafes with excellent freshly produced food, the cost of which was very low (think meal deal prices).

Although I wouldn't dream of inviting someone on holiday with my family and not making sure they were well looked after, whatever their age.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/09/2019 11:25

Well, you're only other option is to email the parents and ask them to buy your sons meals because you don't have the money and he won't spend his savings. And how would that make you look?

xtinak · 04/09/2019 11:25

Agree with FudgeBrownie2019

Divebar · 04/09/2019 11:25

I think it’s a bit weird to invite someone else on holiday and then expect them to pay for food. I would probably assume I was picking up meal tabs but would probably expect them to have some money for extras ( excursions, going out etc). That being said your son is 18 and not a child and could under different circumstances be going on holiday with his mates on his own and would need to work out these problems for himself. What I’m curious about is what the friend is going all day? Is he going off on excursions with his parents all day or is he with your son?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/09/2019 11:26

£120 was always going to be cutting it fine, even without taking into consideration that the people he is going with would probably be wanting to visit nice places to eat. They shouldn't be picking top of the range, but I wouldn't expect them to be eating pot noodles, either...

If DS has savings, he needs to use some of them. He chose to go on the holiday and it sounds like it's all been funded by others so far? He doesn't need to spend 50 euros on a sandwich, but he does need to buy himself food and join in with his host family. It's ludicrous to borrow from your sister so that he doesn't have to use his own savings unless you forced him to go on the holiday.

tharsheblows · 04/09/2019 11:27

I agree with @FudgeBrownie2019 : "No, I'm sorry, but if you're inviting a child on a holiday with you, you expect to pay for their meals."

I've taken my kids' friends on holidays with us and while they do pay their own airfare, I pay for everything else.

It's completely different from going on holiday with friends on your own! The mother sounds incredibly stingy and mean.

DarkHumour · 04/09/2019 11:28

Are the parents paying for activities as well? That’s very generous. Your DS should have researched the holiday before agreeing to it. If he’s clued up enough to be saving for uni, this should have been a given. It’s really not your responsibility OP. You helped him as much as you were able to, but the rest is up to him. He will just have to make the best of it - I really don’t think you can expect the family to contribute more to your ds’s holiday than they already have tbh.

I also agree money should have been set aside for a small thank you gift. Nothing expensive, given the circumstances but a thoughtful gesture of appreciation is the least he could do. I image he will have learned a lot from this experience. I do hope he manages to enjoy the remainder of his holiday.

Ohflippineck · 04/09/2019 11:29

Whoever’s right or wrong on principle, I sure as hell couldn't see a young lad going hungry on an holiday I had after all invited him on. Not to mention the excruciating embarrassment he must be feeling.
(Assuming of course that he didn’t just go nuts and blow his budget in the first 3 days, often 2 sides to a story?)

LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 11:29

The mother sounds incredibly stingy and mean.

Wow. Do you mean the mother who’s covering his activities and accommodation? That mother?

Jesus,