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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AccioCats · 07/09/2019 10:39

I think it was a few other posters upthread who were trying to pretend the holiday wouldn’t really have cost any more for one extra person. They were brushing it off as just £100 quid or so for the flight, nothing for sharing a hotel room (do we even know if he’s sharing) they claimed the breakfast wouldn’t be any extra and they had this weird logic that all activities are a ‘group rate’ so wouldn’t cost more for 4 than for 3!!

You couldn’t make it up could you Grin

I wonder whether the posters who said that always make a point of inviting an extra person on their family holidays because after all it doesn’t cost any extra does it?

jennymanara · 07/09/2019 10:42

I hadn't read those comments. Yes that is a strange point of view.

NiceAnd · 07/09/2019 12:47

They were brushing it off as just £100 quid or so for the flight, nothing for sharing a hotel room (do we even know if he’s sharing) they claimed the breakfast wouldn’t be any extra and they had this weird logic that all activities are a ‘group rate’ so wouldn’t cost more for 4 than for 3!!

TBH We used to invite extra friends and the cost of an extra flight and hotel room (always shared) and breakfast was negligible to us. We usually use airmails and the cost difference between single and double occupancy even when including breakfast is often very little. I also think it's pretty normal to do activities with a group rate too. So I don't think those comments were unrealistic.

LimitIsUp · 07/09/2019 13:10

"I think it was a few other posters upthread who were trying to pretend the holiday wouldn’t really have cost any more for one extra person. They were brushing it off as just £100 quid or so for the flight, nothing for sharing a hotel room (do we even know if he’s sharing) they claimed the breakfast wouldn’t be any extra and they had this weird logic that all activities are a ‘group rate’ so wouldn’t cost more for 4 than for 3!!"

You've made yourself look a bit of a chump there AccioCats , the OP herself said
"DS being there has not costed anymore as the room they booked was the same price for a twin or a double bed and they are sharing the room (twin bed)

Activities have been stuff that DS does not add cost too - i.e. hiring a boat for the day"

I rather think thank that the OP is likely to have a clearer idea of how costs have panned out than you since she has actually had discussions with the host family prior to the holiday!

swingofthings · 07/09/2019 13:18

So they didn't want to pay anything for him. What's wrong with that?

Everyone assumes that he was I voted by the parents but in all likelihood, it's their son who invited him and they said ok as long as it doesn't cost is anything extra. Do these parents even know him well?

Which takes us back to the real issue which is phrased in the title, why should they pay just because they are better off?

AccioCats · 07/09/2019 13:25

The ds has certainly ‘costed’ more by being there - the flights alone, transfers,plus breakfast every day, and unless every activity really is just a ‘group cost’ then those too.

LimitIsUp · 07/09/2019 13:36

I am aware that 'costed" is grammatically incorrect - that was a direct quote (hence the speech marks)

However, you do realise that commenting on another posters English is insufferably crass?

Jenasaurus · 07/09/2019 13:44

If i invited a friend of my Dc on holiday I would ensure they could eat too. I couldn’t watch them struggle especially if I knew they had less money on them. Money for extras like drinks etc they could pay for but having said that I go all inclusive so this wouldn’t have arisen. I feel sorry for your son. Hes in a predicament now, bless him

AccioCats · 07/09/2019 13:53

You do realise I was quoting the OP as you were?

swingofthings · 07/09/2019 13:57

The OP doesn't say he was invited, it said he was 'taken' by the family which to me is a clear indication they agreed to him tagging along at the request of their son rather than making it an open invite, hence the confirmation before going that he would need to pay for his own food.

LimitIsUp · 07/09/2019 14:19

Interesting that you quoted just the one word

AccioCats · 07/09/2019 14:21
Hmm
swingofthings · 07/09/2019 14:22

Because it is the one word many posters seem to have chosen to ignore and a choice of word that would likely not have been used if indeed the parents had given an open invitation.

LaurieMarlow · 07/09/2019 14:26

You’re reading far too much into that word. It doesn’t ‘clearly’ indicate anything.

AccioCats · 07/09/2019 14:34

The one thing which is clear and which doesn’t require any ‘reading into’ is that the offer to come on holiday was on the basis of costs covered apart from meals and drinks. The OP has admitted that.

the lad could have declined (because it’s clear the mum can’t afford a realistic amount and he is unwilling to use his own money) Or he could have been prepared to top up what his mum gave him. They knew the situation before he went. The fact cheaper bars and shops were mentioned makes it clear the family did not assume he would want to pay the hotel prices. The town is an hour’s walk away which is absolutely doable for an 18 year old.

Anything else is irrelevant. FWIW if I were taking a 15/16 year old on holiday I would expect to pay for their meals. An 18 yr old possibly... possibly not. There is no right or wrong, he’s an adult, he has money. But what I or anyone else would do Doesn’t matter because the lad is on holiday with this particular family and he knew what was expected

swingofthings · 07/09/2019 14:38

You’re reading far too much into that word
How convenient, let's ignore words that indicate the opposite of what some posters assume.

The one thing which is clear and which doesn’t require any ‘reading into’ is that the offer to come on holiday was on the basis of costs covered apart from meals and drinks. The OP has admitted that
Yet, still we have posts that say that it was disgracefully inhospitable not to feed him expensive meals as they'd chosen for themselves.

LaurieMarlow · 07/09/2019 14:45

How convenient, let's ignore words that indicate the opposite of what some posters assume.

Actually, I’m of the opinion that the OP/Son have been presumptuous here. But not on the basis of the word ‘taken’.

sympatico1 · 07/09/2019 14:47

If one of our children's friends (whatever age) came on holiday with us and I knew that money was tight for them, I wouldn't hesirate to treat them (as long as I could afford it). No way would I be eating lovely meals and leave anyone out.. What's so wrong with helping someone out if you can afford it ? Both hubby and me were brought up with absolutely no money and now, after much hard work, are fortunately comfortably off, I am only too glad to help out ; I have never forgotten the rare occasions I was shown kindness and am only to happy to pass it on.

swingofthings · 07/09/2019 15:02

If one of our children's friends (whatever age) came on holiday with us and I knew that money was tight for them, I wouldn't hesirate to treat them (as long as I could afford it)
Good for you. If my DS was asking whether is best friend who I've known well for a few years could come on holiday and I knew he wouldn't be able to afford to feed himself and most meals would be self catering, I too would not think twice paying for his meals.

If DS however mentioned that a mate he sometimes meet up with had mention tagging along and he asked if we'd mind, someone I'd never met in my life before, I'd say that was fine, and indeed, if flights and accommodation were not much extra, I'd close my eyes to it, but it was my intention to go out and eat in very nice places, just like in this situation, I would make it clear I wouldn't be paying for his food.

Two totally different scenarios.

Boyboyboydogdog1 · 07/09/2019 15:06

If I invited one of my children's friends on holiday, I would expect to pay for pretty much all their food if they were only 17, but that they would need to buy snacks and some drinks, especially if I knew they weren't able to afford the food.
We have been away with our (older) children and a girlfriend recently, all of whom are working, and whilst they paid for some lunches, their own drinks, and other bits, we bought most of the other food eaten out and stuff to cook at the apartment.

shesgrownhorns · 07/09/2019 17:03

Oh no I’m sorry, this is terrible. How on earth can they let an 18 year old wander off to get his own food because he is hungry. Appalling and they should be ashamed of themselves.

There was a misunderstanding about how much was needed.

StroppyWoman · 07/09/2019 17:41

I think the OP is a CF.
This family invited her son to a lovely place in Italy, paid for flights, transfers, accommodation, breakfasts and some ace sounding activities (a yacht? Wow).
They made plain he was responsible for lunches and evening meals and expected he and their son would make their own arrangements.
OP didn’t/couldn’t provide her son with enough funds (£20 a day for Italy, especially when you know they’re going to a ‘nice’ area was very, erm, optimistic)
Her son wants the holiday but not to spend his savings, and he blows €70 on a steak because the parents were eating somewhere pricey and the lads went too. Ditto room service.
I am astonished the OP thinks she or her son deserve “consideration” beyond the offer to go on a massively subsidised holiday.

Aridane · 08/09/2019 00:28

Yes, no good deed goes unpunished

NiceAnd · 08/09/2019 08:22

OP didn’t/couldn’t provide her son with enough funds (£20 a day for Italy, especially when you know they’re going to a ‘nice’ area was very, erm, optimistic)

The hosts had specifically told the OP that there were cheap bars and restaurants close to the hotel. It wasn't unreasonable of her and her son to believe them when they said that. €20 a day plus the boys own money would have then been fine and there would be no drama and no CF'ery by any party involved 💁🏻‍♀️

LaurieMarlow · 08/09/2019 08:25

€20 a day plus the boys own money

He didn’t want to spend his own money though, is the issue

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