To expect more consideration because we are not rich

[Bluebelle1012]

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

I agree with @Backinthebox that it is a rare incident of everyone being unreasonable.

They are being a bit insensitive but also you and your son have underestimated the cost when he decided to take them up on their invite. If i had been invited away with a family at that age i would've been expecting to pay my way and that is what he should've budgeted towards. Although you've contributed i really think at that age it's not entirely your responsibility. Now he's there i would borrow the money from your sister if you can to give to him but you need to give him the learning experience too - perhaps he should pay you back when he can?

After i finished school my parents gave me tickets to a festival, i paid for everything once i was there. When i turned 18 i went to Italy with a friend and paid it all...Belfast and paid it all...I went travelling when i was 21...you get the idea. I learnt how to budget. And i had uni to pay for.

bakeries & supermarkets get sandwiches & if there is fridge in his room (ie for drinks) place some ham/cheese & salad in there

He shouldn't have gone. That's far too little money. DD2 went to Lake Garda in June on a school trip and she had 500 Euros for 10 days and that was cutting it fine. He didn't save enough money to go.

Op you said he hasn’t accepted your offer to lend money
But in OP you say I have no money to give him as I’m broke!

To make it clearer

1- I offered DS more money, he said no.
2- he is walking to town to buy food
3- his friend has agreed to go out tonight so there will be cheap bars

I don’t know why teenage boys within a fairly short of drive haven’t ventured into the night life yet, but I think this is also part of DS’s frustration

YANBU and those saying the opposite need to have a word with themselves.

The OP was careful to have an advance conversation about money/food and was given assurances that turned out to be meaningless.

I completely agree with SeaToSki, it is jaw-dropping that these adults have actually seen how little he's eating, been told he can't afford to buy food and still not help him out.

Whether that's by paying for the overpriced hotel food for him, or making sure he's got time to get into town, or both, doesn't really matter.

And I'm not suggesting they should necessarily just cover all his food as a gift; they could just have a quiet chat with him and agreed that they'd pay for, I don't know, two dinners and he could pick up the rest, or that they'd treat the money as a loan that he could start paying back afterwards, or something.

They're arseholes.

Aww he must feel really shit.
I don't think yabu I wouldn't invite a pal unless I could afford to pay for them, or i'd be upfront on costs to the other parent before travelling.

If you/he have no money you shouldn’t have let him go.

I agree with backinthebox.

As a host I wouldn't sit back and let a teenager not eat while we had dinner. But I don't think you are getting the truth from your son. No one eats room service in these circumstances, you eat in the restaurant, or normally in other restaurants in the area. It is not that expensive.

@lovemenorca I don’t have money but my sister has offered to lend me some. I haven’t taken her up on it but the option is there. We lent her some money a few years back which we then told her not to pay back entirely (pre-recession before our financial state is what it is now) so in recent years she’s always made it clear she can lend us money whenever now she is financially better now herself

@Bluebelle1012 people just don't read the thread, or even OP updates, which is why you're still getting the crappy comments.

Is his friend a bit of a mommy's boy? Maybe he's worried about doing anything without his family if it's their first family holiday with him being an adult.
Glad your sons spoke up. He'll hopefully enjoy the rest of his holiday now!

I agree SeaToSki they know he is going hungry and are quite happy to comment but continue to let him do so. its very callous. Doesn't matter if he is 18 he is only just an adult is just about to start Uni. He obviously feels obligated to take part in activities as they've been booked an paid for. I really feel for the poor lad.

Having to tell your mate and his family your too skint to do an activity and have take a 2 hour hike to eat something affordable is a bit shit of a feeling even if it is just temporary.

What have they pre paid for? And what did you pay for?

accommodation ?
Flights?
Transfers?
Activities?

Room service is always expensive- definitely more money than eating in the hotel bar or restaurant. He should be ok with a huge breakfast and then just a one course evening meal with tap water plus the odd pot noodle/ bread for lunch.

If I took my 18yo’s friend on a family holiday I doubt a would be letting them spend anything on food. We recently took our 16yo’s friend away for a week and paid for all his food. The money he took was spent on things when he and my ds went off in their own.

I could never sit eating in the hotel/restaurants and let my ds’s friend eat pot noodles!!! I think the family sound rather tight!

If you/he have no money you shouldn’t have let him go.

FFS. He was given money, which he and the OP judged would be enough based on a conversation with the friend's parents.

He doesn’t have to do the activities every day if he doesn’t want to. He could take a day off, wander into town and stock up at a shop.

Silly to come home as this will cost more!

I think that this is a combination of everyone underestimating and also your son not learning to problem solve himself. 120 is plenty to spend on food. He doesn’t need to order room service! And he has a free breakfast every morning.

Did the shot family pay flights and hotel?

Also when my son went abroad with his friend, I paid his flights and gave him 150. I gave the host family 200 to contribute to meals and activities.

They didn’t ask for this but I do think we can’t ask another family to cover all the kids costs.

it was phrased when we asked about food was that there were cheap bars and restaurants nearby

Even if there were cheap bars and restaurants nearby, £20 per day is nowhere near enough. As the pound has lost value over the last couple of decades, most foreign places now look expensive. He wouldn't even have been able to afford McDonald's meals for lunch and evening on that wherever he went.

Blimey we allow £100 a day per person for food/drink on holiday.

If he has access to money, however, via means of savings, then he's being very silly. I'd tell him to use that and sort it out when he gets back.

he and the OP judged would be enough based on a conversation with the friend's parents.

And practically everyone on this thread has said the OPs judgement was off, for any holiday. And that any reasonable person would overestimate in the circs anyway.

OP I also can’t believe you haven’t instructed him to get the hosts something as a thank you, even a round of drinks.

I know you posted a comment earlier that I presume you think lets him off the hook. But even if the son was rude, manners dictate some kind of thank you gesture from your son.

I think those who are saying that the 'hosting family' are not unreasonable are missing the fact that the family are wealthy.

We are a wealthy family (awaits snide remarks from some posters), and as I mentioned up thread, we told dd's friend on holiday with us and we were happy to pay her costs. If you are fortunate enough to be wealthy you should have the grace to be generous when the occasion demands it (particularly with respect to family and friends)

By contrast, families on average incomes who have to carefully budget and save for holidays should expect a more substantial financial contribution for taking a friend

According to DS they have also eaten in the restaurant but it’s also crazy expensive. I think he has paid for the restaurant himself once or twice and he texted me this morning with a picture of a €70 steak

DS has texted me again to say he doesn’t want to borrow money and that he will manage, and that he will work some extra shifts when he gets home to earn it back

I really don’t think he is after money as my sister offered him money before he went and he said no. He won’t borrow money when he does have it

I think part of the issue is that even if I transferred him £1000 for food and said “drink and eat all you want” he’d probably still barely spend any, save it, because the idea of spending so much on food when it’s the only savings he has seems extortionate to him

Wow that is really not enough op.
My ds will be going to New York in February with his college, he will still be 16 and all trips are included and breakfast only.

I can imagine he will need at least £400 for 4 days there, maybe more.

It's been over 20 years since I went there myself and it was expensive.

In this situation though as the host family, i would absolutely include ds's friend in meals and not expect them to pay for everything, especially if there is such a disparity in income.

I agree it would be nice if a wealthy family were generous, but that is totally up to them, wealthy or not. You can’t presume generosity.

I always give a host family money for activities and food - I’m not wealthy and some have been. Of course I hope that they say ‘no no please don’t’ but so far none have... sigh!

However my child, my responsibility!