To expect more consideration because we are not rich

[Bluebelle1012]

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

I gave him £120 exactly, which would be enough for six days

OP you said this, which certainly makes it sound like you though it would be enough.

We paid for none. We offered to pay for the flights which we couldn’t have afforded with putting money aside but they declined and kindly paid

DS being there has not costed anymore as the room they booked was the same price for a twin or a double bed and they are sharing the room (twin bed)

Activities have been stuff that DS does not add cost too- ie, hiring a boat for the day

So we did offer to pay for some and also some of the accommodation

+could have

Massive sympathies for your DS. I do know some people who have such little experience of the world and such wealth that they really don’t appreciate the value of money. Very unfortunate that he’s met them on this holiday and I hope it doesn’t put him off travelling with other people in the future!

We also said we would pay for activities and taxi but again they declined and said they’d be paying for the son anyway so declined

If I was inviting one of the DC's friend on holiday I'd assume I was paying for meals. Very odd behaviour by the host family.

(don't like cheap stuff? what kind of comment is that?)

It was the son who said that about his parents, not the parents themselves. And at the time he telling the boy that he didn't need to buy his parents anything.

But absolutely loads of people say this (look at 'Christmas presents where I wish they hadn't bothered' threads). E. G. I would rather have a tiny box of Charbonel et Walker Rose and violet creams than a kilo of Yorkie. I wouldn't say that to someone who gave me a kilo of Yorkie, but it is how I'd feel.

takes 120 on holiday
buys 2 x 70euro steaks
feels skint
The whole situation is ridiculous

@Tableclothing - yes, sorry, I realised after I posted that the son said it and it was probably his clumsy way of saying "it's fine and we know you haven't got much spare cash anyway" or something

LaurieMarlow, OK, then loads of ppl are being twattish.

If the hosting parents thought the amounts the OP and son were talking about weren't enough, they could have said in advance.
And they're being tight and rude now, watching him not eat (and commenting on it [hmm) while not offering even a conversation about a loan.

OP "because the idea of spending so much on food when it’s the only savings he has seems extortionate to him"

he sounds like a sensible lad.

I think misunderstandings have occurred all round here - the host family told you the wrong things, you and your DS didn't do some research - easy mistakes to make. However, I think it's really off that they won't offer to pay for his food, even if they expect to be paid back later.

I don't really go away but even day trips with friends, I research minutely for costs because people have such different ideas. it takes a while to find that out of course...I remember being 18 and just a day at the seaside would see people having completely differing ideas about what was an okay price for lunch.

with overnight stays it can be hard if you have no access to cooking facilities unless the lad wants to live on Pot Noodles all week.

You said in your OP about him coming home early but presumably that would be more expensive?

If the hosting parents thought the amounts the OP and son were talking about weren't enough, they could have said in advance.

Was the amount discussed with the host family?!?

I know he’s spent the money on steaks but when they went out for lunch to an expensive restaurant he couldn’t exactly say “no I’m not having anything” The other options were apparently a sandwich for €45 and DS said if he’s gonna use his money for fancy food he’d rather get something nice for a bit more than a €45 sandwich. At least a steak can be worth €70 (almost)

And again, DS does have savings, but I think he feels conflicted using large portion of his savings on overpriced food for almost every meal when it’s the majority of his money

Also I accept he/I should have done some more research, we are also to blame

Honestly maybe my feelings are being clouded. I like the dad but the mother of the boy has been snobby and entitled every time I meet her. She boasts endlessly and it does get grating.

I guess I'm in the minority but if I took a child's friend away or they took mine away, I'd assume meals were included along with a roof over their head? In fact the one time I took a friend's child with us I paid for his accommodation, his meals and all his recreational costs. He spent his own money on souvenirs. It was Hastings, not a luxury setting in Italy, but the same principle holds. "Afford to feed yourself or starve" is not an invitation offered by civilized people, whatever the budget.

Host family were aware of the OP's financial situation, they may have come across as inviting to be kind and give DS a holiday, clearly they weren't thinking like that.
They wanted a mate for their DC whatever financial or emotional cost to the friend, for those on the thread who grew up without will remember how horrible certain social situations are when you can't afford to properly enjoy it.
Shame on them.
I'd send the money OP at least he can enjoy it even if he has to pay it back.

Exactly what @LimitisUp said!
Plus. Your son has been invited on this holiday purely to do the family a service by entertaining or being a companion to their son, so that he doesn't complain about being bored. In this respect they are using him.
I don't think he owes them expensive presents or paying for meals for them when he can't afford to feed himself and they sit back and watch him stuggle. A polite thank you card/photos on return is sufficient.
It sounds like he's just finished sixth form, and has probably never been in this situation. Its difficult in that position if everyone in the group is doing something together at the start of the holiday, ie going to the hotel resturant to pipe up and say.. I'm off to eat in town on my own this evening. He's probably had to go to the resturant with them to find how expensive it is whilst at the table and once there had to follow through which has eaten into his allowance.
They seem to have done nothing to help him and their DS hasn't wanted to leave the hotel so far and not having the same budget contraints has opted not to, and not to help his friend out either.
I think they have put your son in a stressful and difficult position and he must be longing to get away from them. How awful to sit there and eat while he doesn't. And their son's comment when he offered to buy the parent's a gift was awful.
They misled both of you about the cheap bars etc in town, in order that he would accept the holiday because this makes things easier for them. If their son refuses to go out, it must be difficult for yours to just leave the group and go on his own.

If we invited a child's friend on holiday with us, I would expect to feed them. I would expect them to bring some spending money but we would cover eating with the family and I would treat them like family, partly on the grounds that it might ruin their friendship if they didn't have a nice time. It doesn't sound as if this bunch have.

No point worrying about how much you sent him out with, what's done is done and its understandable when car repairs crop up suddenly. You could'nt have known that the family exaggerated about cheap bars. We were shocked that the Euro had fallen so much since we booked, to find that it cost £20-23 just for four coffees and more for cokes. A pizza and two soft drinks in the town where we were would have cost us nearly £30, we were unprepared for that, so I can understand how he's run aground so quickly.
Also no point in him deciding he can't pay high prices for food if that is all that is available.
Just help him make a realistic plan to get to the end of the trip as reasonably as possible and chalk it up to experience. I hope he gets through this and still manages to enjoy his break. He sounds like a sensible hard working boy, who is already trying to earn and save and he should get over this blip. In two weeks time it wont matter at all.

wouldn’t invite a young person on holiday with us without being prepared to fund them

Me neither. This sort of thing makes me so sngry.

We've taken our both our sons' friends and girlfriends on holiday at various times, both before they were 18 and over 18 and wouldn't have dreamt of expecting them to pay for all their food especially when the children in question came from less privileged backgrounds than our children. Not that we're loaded - we're really not - but our attitude was that you have come away with us as a family and you will be treated the same as anyone else in this family - not like a second class citizen. We're all in this together.

I also couldn't see any person; adult or child, come on holiday with me and then struggle so much with cash they couldn't afford to eat. What a horrible position to put someone in - embarrassing and degrading. Makes my blood boil on your behalf OP.

How much does he need, poor kid - message me and I'll send him some and he or you can pay me back when you're able.

I am frankly gobsmacked that the host family aren't paying for his meals, if I invited a friend of my DCs on holiday I would assume I would be paying for their food! However, if I were, I would not be happy at them ordering a 70 Euro steak for lunch on my dime. The hotel sounds outrageously expensive if a sandwich is 45 Euros, I would urge him to set off for town in time for lunch from now on.

I think he should reassess his friendship with the other teenager if he's getting no help at all. Passive aggressive/slightly sadistic parents are one thing, but his friend should not be watching him go hungry all day while he eats three meals.

I would never invite another child (ok, he’s 18 but still) on holiday with us unless I was fully expecting to pay for all their meals and activities. J would only expect them to bring cash for extra treats, ice-creams, souvenirs etc which my children would also buy from their holiday spending money.

Most parents who invite their child’s friend to holiday with them are not doing it out of altruism but so that their child has a better holiday with a friend to hang out with, especially if they are an only.

We discussed food and said at the time that DS would use his money for meals in the cheap pubs nearby. They said there wouldn’t be any fancy restaurant outright

But again I should have checked

They are using selfish shits, dont tell DS this until his return, I am very angry on your behalf OP I think they would've said mass to convince you to let DS go and entertain their DS.

Your poor boy . Whenever I take anyone’s children on holiday I do it with the expectation of funding them . Or if you’re not prepared to do that then you need to indicate likely costs at the time of invitation.