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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:30

Also DS did ask his friend if he could buy the parents something as a thank you but his friend said “my parents don’t really like anything cheap, I wouldn’t bother”

And I did drill it into him to say thank you

He won’t starve

DS has texted me since saying he is walking to the town and him and his friend are going to the pub tonight instead

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 11:30

We took dd's friend (17)
on holiday recently. There were quite a few extra costs (additional plane flight, hotel costs at the airport hotel the night before departure etc). We paid for all her food and paid for her to join us in zip lining, quad biking, kayaking etc

IMO she was an additional member of the family as a week and should be treated as such. I didn't want her to feel awkward or feel like she was a guest. She was our temporary daughter!

Her family gave me £200 towards her expenses. Tbh that didn't touch the sides - but I was more than happy with that as they are not well off and they did offer to pay more but we declined it

I think the family your son are staying with are tight and inconsiderate

Jamhandprints · 04/09/2019 11:30

I think it's strange to invite a young person on holiday and not pay for their food. :-( if he was 17 or 16 in sure people would agree. They could have asked you for a contribution before and then paid for meals altogether.
I hope he gets some snacks and stuff in today. Is coming home early an option?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/09/2019 11:31

I cant believe you are borrowing money when the crux of the issue is that he has the money to pay but he seems to think everyone else should pay for him instead.

It would be different if he had no money but you know he has savings and he's admitted he doesn't want to use them but instead he's happy to take more money from you.

lovemenorca · 04/09/2019 11:32

If I was in such a tight budget I would have done more research (him and you) before agreeing to go

category12 · 04/09/2019 11:32

If I'd invited him along, I'd have been buying food for us all to share and include him in meals. It wouldn't occur to me not to.

LoubyLou1234 · 04/09/2019 11:32

No way is £120 enough for 6 days anywhere on holiday never mind italy! £20 a day is a very tight budget for food and drinks all day. However he is 18 you can't expect someone else to subsidise him he is an adult. Did anyone actually research the area/town/prices where he could go etc? The internet is amazing now for planning holidays. Taking a little out of his savings wouldn't of hurt if he knew you were struggling.

If the family are well off their version of cheap may not be yours.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 04/09/2019 11:32

€50 for a sandwich really? We went to Lake Garda in July which is known for being expensive but you can eat very cheaply too.

Saying that he didn't nearly have enough money

Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:34

He does have savings but he is going to uni in London in September and if he spends all of it now I will just be helping him out in September instead. He has a job at uni, but London is hideously expensive.

Like I said paying my sister back won’t be an issue because next month we can afford it

OP posts:
Backinthebox · 04/09/2019 11:34

I think this is a rare situation where everyone involved is being unreasonable.

The family who invited him on holiday should not sit by and watch your son go hungry. I wouldn’t dream of inviting a friend of one of my own children without treating them the same way I would my own child. If they are feeding their own child, they should feed yours too.

You’ve not really equipped him for this trip though. £20 a day is not enough for 2 meals in an italian bar or restaurant, no matter how cheap the restaurant is. Italy is not known for its cheap eateries - in fact it’s rather well known for high prices. Rather than asking the family for a general reassurance you could have checked out the local area yourself to satisfy yourself that there was somewhere nearby to eat.

Your son could have walked an hour down into town. With a little bit more forethought (which I admit is not a trait all 18yos have) he could have done a grocery shop for snacks to last the week. I’m not sure he is being entirely truthful about prices either. As a professional traveller I stay in a good number of high end hotels all over the world, and have never seen a room service menu where the average price of a meal was €40-50. Room service is also one of the more expensive ways of eating in a hotel. I cannot believe a family would be going to a high end hotel and having every meal from room service.

Has your son asked at the hotel reception for advice on cheap eateries? The concierge would be able to advise him on where is recommended and how to get there. If a hotel is isolated they usually run a shuttle to town for guests. He could do a grocery shop or eat out that way. Italy IS expensive in bars and restaurants, but he might find a takeaway joint doing paninis or pizza slices. Even that will set him back about €8-10 a meal though.

I think you and your son just need to chalk this one up to a lesson learnt in budgeting and travel. It’s an experience that will stand him in good stead for next time he goes abroad on his own.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 11:35

I think you need to take personal responsibility here op. You or your son could have taken the time to google and find out where it was and what was nearby and the costs included before making a decision.

20 quid a day for all meals and refreshments is not much at all. Expecting his friends to pay for him isn't ok.

This one is really about personal responsibility here.

EntirelyAnonymised · 04/09/2019 11:36

We have taken friends on holiday in the past. We always asked the parents to pay for the flights and small spending money (souvenirs etc) and we covered meals, drinks and accommodation.

I agree that with PP that you massively underestimated with your budgeting but that said, I couldn’t imagine being the parents on holiday with the guest teen/young adult and not subbing his food, knowing he was so short on money.

LillithsFamiliar · 04/09/2019 11:36

This doesn't make sense. If he can't walk to town because they're out doing activities all the time, then they can't also be at the expensive hotel for lunch and dinner. If they're at the hotel for lunch and dinner, then he has time to walk to town.
Either he's trying to get more money from you or I'd be wondering if there was some other reason he wants to come home. Did you probe a bit deeper OP?

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 04/09/2019 11:37

We took the partner of one of my children on holiday with us this year, they do work so not quite such a money issue

They paid for flight, tickets and made a contribution to food, we covered everything else and obviously food and drinks when out and about

We agreed all of this in advance so there was no confusion over what was being paid for

It worked well so I would certainly do the same moving forward with any future friends/partners

Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:37

He hasn’t accepted my offer to lend him money. He said he didn’t know when he could pay me back, so he turned it down. He doesn’t think he can just get money from me

I lent him money when his car broke last year and he did pay me back as soon as he got paid- he’s not reckless or bad with money

OP posts:
LoubyLou1234 · 04/09/2019 11:38

Some people are missing the post that he isn't a child he is 18..... sounds like the host family have paid for his holiday already so hardly stingy.

Backinthebox · 04/09/2019 11:39

Btw we budgeted £20 a day each for food on an inter railing trip round Europe 23 years ago. It wasn’t enough then either. We lived on hot dogs in Vienna as it was all we could afford. It was so nice to go back years later and be able to afford afternoon tea in Cafe Sacher when we were older. One of the things about travelling when you are younger is that you can’t afford the expenditure and lifestyle of a more affluent older family, but maybe your son is trying to keep up with that lifestyle.

SeaToSki · 04/09/2019 11:40

I cant believe that parents would invite their sons friend to come on holiday, have had a conversation with OP about how the friend could only afford it if it was inexpensive, then see how little the friend was eating, comment on it and be told the friend couldnt afford to buy food and still not buy some food for him.

Its dreadful and I would be furious. They have railroaded an 18yr old into an embarrassing situation and are watching him go hungry while they eat freely.

And for those that have said he could just walk into town and buy some food, I suppose he will have to do that, but he will then have to tell the mother, I am sorry I cant do the booked activity today as I have to spend the morning going to the supermarket (an hour each way) How embarrassing for the poor young man. I am horrified that the parents cant at least buy him dinner every evening, they know he is going hungry.

ChristmasLily · 04/09/2019 11:41

I agree with Backinthebox. There's nothing more to be said about it really. Everyone is being unreasonable.

BeefTomato · 04/09/2019 11:41

I think he is very selfish if he expects you to pay extra for him when

  1. You have already given him enough for £20 a day;
  2. You are broke;
  3. He has savings; and
  4. He has the option to walk into town and get cheaper food.

He doesn't want it enough to go into his own savings but he still thinks it's acceptable to bleed his mother dry and make her go begging off her sister??

EntirelyAnonymised · 04/09/2019 11:42

I was recently at The Langham in NYC where a burger on room service was over $40, not including tray charge! Admittedly that is a 5* hotel in one of the most expensive cities but the eye watering prices DO exist.

(We went out to gyro cart on the corner instead)

Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:42

I don’t think he is just after money- I know he has enough himself to pay for drinks and meals from restaurants in town as otherwise he wouldn’t have gone. I told him I could ask my sister to borrow money (she offered already so not an issue) but he turned it down.

I think it literally is just an issue of him and friend not going out in the evening, so they are sat there all ordering room service whilst he doesn’t. However, now he’s spoken to his friend, it appears him and his friend are venturing off on their own so that has half solved the issue

I think the fact that his friend hasn’t wanted to go out has also infuriated DS and added to the situation.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 04/09/2019 11:42

I think the host family are a bit mean TBH. First they told you that it would be fine for him to eat cheaply, and it isn't, now they are nagging him about the fact that he isn't eating. I get the impression they wanted to look generous by taking him along but it has to be on their terms.

MrsFezziwig · 04/09/2019 11:43

Eye rolling at the posters who are saying OP hasn’t sent enough money - I think she’s probably aware of that at this point in time! Hmm
I think he needs to spend some of his own money, or go hungry (he’s unlikely to die of starvation in 6 days). Equally the family are somewhat at fault for misleading you into thinking there were cheap options available, and also presumably they haven’t taken DS on holiday with them for his benefit but rather to keep their son company.

lovemenorca · 04/09/2019 11:43

I suspect your son is hugely exaggerating in the hope you send money

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