To expect more consideration because we are not rich

[Bluebelle1012]

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

Also the fact he is saying he spends extra cash on breakfasts at the expensive hotel... it does not sound sensible at all. He likely just want you to give him more money. Teach him to become more resourceful amd not live off his parents or friends. Let him exercise and go down and up the the hill etc its very healthy exercise. If he prefers to lounge by the pool - his choice ! And he shouldnt moan about it. I wpuld love to know the location of the hotel to see where they sell 50 eiro sandwich? Italians dont eat much anyway. Just latte with a biscotti or pastry for breakfast, some light bite at lunch and a bit of and that at the dinner time.

I can see this from both sides. £120 is nowhere near enough for six days in Italy, even if the situation was as you expected. It wouldn't be enough on a camping holiday in the UK, and Italy is extremely expensive, the pound isn't good against the Euro, and they are in a tourist environment.
£20 would barely cover time in the airport.
If I took an 18 year old away and the expectation had been that he'd bring his own money, I'd be a bit miffed, especially if I were also funding the daily activities you mention.
That said, if I were well off and saw the youngster was struggling, I'd certainly quietly start paying for everything without making any issue about it.
It sounds like the problems are that the location wasn't exactly as they expected, and that your idea and their idea of what constitutes cheap are vastly different. In this I'm more on your side.
It all sounds really unpleasant and I'm sorry it's worked out this way.

@PolarBearkshire -it’s probably still roasting in Italy. Who wants to walk an hour each way in heat for each meal?

What a bizarre thread yanbu OP.

I am imagining the response to the reverse...

We invited DS's 18 year old friend to come on holiday with us. It has been more expensive in relation to spending money than we expected and he doesn't have enough.

AIBU to just take my own 18 year old for a meal and let his friend go hungry - after all he is an adult now so responsible for himself and if he walks an hour to town he can pick up a baguette in the supermarket before his walk back. Plus he gets breakfast each day which should be enough. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Christ on a bike, I'm not wealthy but I'd feel responsible and just pay for him so we all enjoyed our holiday (while making a mental note not to make the same mistake again) MN is one strange place, the reverse would be seriously flamed.

Haven’t read the complete thread but surely disingenuous of parents to invite much less well off friend of child then create a situation. Mean mean mean and cruel to the friend

^^exactly this. Just baffling frankly. As the Daily mailers are quick to point out 'where is the money tree'?

My brother lived and worked in Italy and my cousin has lived in Milan for 30 years. Her husband is from Sicily where they have been staying for their 25th wedding anniversary. My parents have just returned from a hilltop hotel in rural Italy. I have stayed in Italy (very well) for years.

Sorry OP but things don’t stack up.

Aside from him being an adult and appearing not to want to spend his own money and the actual terms of the invite and how much you gave him ect..

I can’t think of anywhere which would charge £10 for a Diet Coke outside st marks square. Room service is a very odd way of eating on holiday unless they are arriving back from activities too late and if so, why not drop him off in the village? Coming back is going to cost him/you more as you will have to pay for another flight or to change flights and imho will be a darn sight more embarrassing than speaking to his hosts about not being able to afford the hotel prices.

If he is in rural Italy, it might be that the holiday isn’t all it’s been cracked up to be for an 18 YO or he is fed up and homesick? We had the same with our DSD when she went to Greece with her mates. We got all sorts of stories about the hotel and weather and she wanted to come home (they hadn’t she was just angry that the others had coupled off.

There is no answer for me, as things don’t really add up. However, as posters have said, he will be fine and sounds like at least he has stayed in a zillion starred ritzy resort at 18, better than my run down cheap apartment in Corfu.

Weather more like mid 20s in Italy at the moment, so I imagine an early evening walk into town would be pleasanter than doing it in the U.K. right now

Taxiforme I did ask the OP to link to the hotel website but nothing yet. It would be interesting to see what information is available

Well said tea. Although part of the issue here is that I think host parents are so rich they don't recognise how ridiculous the prices are. I mean we're reasonably well off and try to stay in nice hotels but if I saw a sandwich at 45 Euros I'd be out of my sear very fast.

Ditto letting an 18 year old with not much money pay 10 euros for water due to a miscommunication. Surely the kind thing to do at that point was step in and go "Oh I think x meant tap water didn't you X? Please change it "

But the hosts made it clear that the basis of the invitation was that he’d cover his lunches and dinners. That’s still going to come out at far less than the flights, accommodation and yachts they’ve treated him to!
The invitation could have been declined but it was accepted on the basis he’s cover those meals.
The hosts almost certainly weren’t expecting the lummoxxing great teens to be hanging around them every night and gave a reasonable estimate based on going out in town rather than in the clearly luxurious hotel that they are paying for.
Tight / generous or not, nothing was unclear and therefore I fail to see it’s the host parents’ issue. They’re almost certainly unaware that there is an issue given he’s splashing what little cash he has on the most expensive steak in town.

The steak was not a high point- I agree, but I guess faced with a menu where a sandwich was 45 Euros and a steak 70 , then things like chicken and lamb would probably be 60 euros, so it makes more sense in the context of the available menu.

I'm afraid I would agree with those who said OP's estimate of how much money he would need was wildly optimistic, and that the costs of food and drink in the hotel and resort is the sort of thing you could find out in advance. Also - the son is not without funds. He has funds, he is just choosing not to dip into them because he wants to save them for uni. Which is totally understandable but in the circumstances you cant blame the host family if he is hungry. If he had no means of support whatsoever their approach might be different.

Ps not RTFT as it's too long so forgive me if anything I've said has already been ruled out by earlier posts.

I would have said they should definitely help him out if you can't afford it, but he can and just doesn't want to spend his own, so no they shouldn't help out.

It's a bit of a non issue then, he's has money, he doesn't want to spend it, you say he won't starve, what exactly is the issue ?

I would have said they should definitely help him out if you can't afford it, but he can and just doesn't want to spend his own, so no they shouldn't help out.

So he should spend the money he has for university on overpriced hotel meals?

Probably he would rather not eat that's kind of the point (and actually sensible)

The issue is that he's been massively misled on how much things cost.

Having money is irrelevant. You can only spend each pound once, so if he paid the hotel's rip off prices all week, he's going to end up spending hundreds of pounds more than he intended to, which is going to make a big dent in his overall uni savings/general budget.

Those hundreds of pounds could be a whole term's worth of grocery shopping when he comes back home, so it's good that he's not just paying the high prices without question. It's things like that which lead to people ending up in debt despite being on good incomes. They simply don't think about spending their available money in a sensible fashion.

‘So he should spend the money he has for university on overpriced hotel meals?’

No, he can walk into town and spend his money on reasonably priced meals.

Yep accio and he's gonna have a pretty miserable holiday that he can't actually participate in. The host family are being incredibly rude.

It sounds like things are improving and I hope your son could enjoy the rest of his holiday.

My tip - when we go on holiday, we always pack some food in our luggage eg tubes of Pringles, cake bars, croissants etc for our children. It's always handy in case anyone wants a light snack and gives us a couple of days grace to sort ourselves out.

This thread has taken a bizarre turn, with people accused of being Tory voters and the OP's ds being "poor".

They have not read the thread. The OP's son might be relatively poor, but runs his own car and has savings. An 18-year-old with their own car? Yep, poverty stricken. The comment about the OP having to borrow money to sub him is just daft.

The ds's tale doesn't really hang true. A one-hour walk to the village sounds like hyperbole. Ordering a 70 Euro steak? What the hell? We don't know whether he paid for his himself or not, really, but if I were the hosts and my ds's friend ordered this I'd have a fit of the vapours. I'd pay, but I'd say to ds in private that's the last time we're eating together on this holiday: you and matey can walk to the village and get a slice of pizza. 70 Euro steaks indeed!

Haven’t read the complete thread but surely disingenuous of parents to invite much less well off friend of child then create a situation. Mean mean mean and cruel to the friend

Yes. £20/day is pretty much exactly what I'd have expected him to bring if I were in the host's shoes.

We don't know whether he paid for his himself or not, really, but if I were the hosts and my ds's friend ordered this I'd have a fit of the vapours

I feel pretty certain that this must have been in line with the rest of the party. Obviously.

So then the OP's ds was not expecting to pay for it himself, and still went ahead. Good manners dictates that you do not go for the most expensive option when being treated. If the OP's ds had any inkling he was going to have to pay for his own dinner I bet you he'd have been opting for the house salad.

Teatea He’s participating enough in the holiday that he hasn’t got time to go into town until evening because of all the activities that are arranged and paid for!

From what the OP says, breakfast is paid for and he can fill up enough that he doesn’t need much until evening. He’s then busy with activities. It’s absolutely not true that he can’t participate. It sounds as though he’s spending all his time with the family until the evening, when they expected him to bog off into town with his mate. Sounds absolutely fine - I wouldn’t expect 18 yr olds to hang around with the oldies all evening!

I asked the OP several pages back whether she thinks her ds and his friend have fallen out because it does seem weird that they’re not behaving like normal 18 yr olds (ie thinking nothing of an hour’s walk for an evening out, and thinking nothing of spending their own money on meal and drinks)
She didn’t respond. I’m also interested in a link to the hotel website but she hasn’t responded to that either

I’m sure there’s more to this than meets the eye.

So often on MN I just think I'd like to hear the other side of the story. It would be interesting to hear what the host mum's version of events is.

So then the OP's ds was not expecting to pay for it himself, and still went ahead. Good manners dictates that you do not go for the most expensive option when being treated. If the OP's ds had any inkling he was going to have to pay for his own dinner I bet you he'd have been opting for the house salad.

Far more polite to order in line with the host if you're being taken to dinner than the cheapest thing on the menu. As always, context is key and we don't really know.

If they all ordered chicken and he ordered the steak, it's out of order, but I really doubt that this is the case.