To expect more consideration because we are not rich

[Bluebelle1012]

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

It would indeed Irma

accio you are adding detail that isn't there/ that you don't know. Perhaps the hours walk is an understatement who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️. There may not be a pavement/ it may not be easily walkable particularly in the dark.

The whole thing is a cock up by the sound of it, and if I was the host parent I'd take responsibility for this and sub the lad (while giving instructions to all including my own what order and not) He doesn't afford to run a car by spending money on luxuries.

Teatea- no, I’m not adding detail, I’m posting based on he information the OP has given. She stated that he had been busy doing the activities which have been paid for.

The only part of the holiday he’s expected to fund himself is his meals and drinks.

You are the one making up details such as the road being dangerous and not having w pavement!

Anyway it would be really helpful if the OP could link to the hotel website because it would make it a whole lot easier to see whether she’s being unreasonable, as we can all see for ourselves what information is available.

It would of course also be good to hear the other side of the story though I doubt we will. Some people are making it sound like the hosts have gone out of their way to make the ds feel excluded and uncomfortable but frankly why would anyone pay for flights and hotel for someone to join their holiday and then do that? It makes no sense. No one wants to feel uncomfortable on their holiday. This family have clearly spent a shed load on a luxury hotel and even if they’re ‘rich’ (which is the subjective opinion of the OP anyway) it’s still a lot of money to shell out.
I doubt they thought ‘I know, let’s flash our cash paying for this young adult to come with us and then we’ll deliberately exclude him and make everyone in the holiday group feel awkward.’ That scenario makes no sense whatsoever.

I’m sure there’s a lot more to this than meets the eye. I still wonder whether the young men have had some kind of altercation. I’m pretty sure the parents would have been expecting them to go off and do their own thing, not hang around the hotel all evening.

This thread is strange. I once posted (a couple of years ago now) about a situation where DH and I were out in a Japanese restaurant and a couple we knew from the school came in and presumed to join us. They would have been virtually sitting next to us anyway, so it was tricky to say we wanted to be alone and the DH in this couple is a bit bombastic anyway. He ordered a steak which was at least £70 (plus expensive champagne) and later, didn’t object when DH paid the bill.

Well there was outrage on here. Not about this CF man’s behaviour, but because people didn’t believe there was such a thing as a steak at this price. What would I know - I’m vegetarian! People accused me of being a troll in times of austerity! There were so many complaints, in the end MN emailed me to check if I was posting with “best intentions”. Basically, people thought it was a wind up.

Yet here, this 18 year-old who claims to be broke is ordering €70 steaks etc in a land of pasta and people are all “the poor thing” Bizarre!

I’m sure there’s a lot more to this than meets the eye.

Quite possibly, that's what I said. It's far more likely the road is unwalkable than there have been 'altercations' 🤦🏻‍♀️

The only thing that seems clear is that the cost of food and drink has been massively misconstrued. As the host decent people would take some responsibility for that. In my opinion. You would let him walk to the supermarket we clearly see life differently...

What a frustrating and upsetting situation for you and your son. Yes, I think if the family knows you are in much different circumstances, and they are choosing to eat in restaurants they know you can't afford, then they should be paying for his meals when he eats with them.

I don't understand all this "he's 18, he should pay for his own meals" business. If he has just done A-Levels and is headed for uni, he may be saving for that, even he has even managed to get a summer job.

I hope he can get in a good batch of supplies today so he can enjoy the rest of the holiday without worrying about going hungry. The other option is to ask the other mum to lend him some money to see him through the trip and then pay them back when you can.

It sounds like they almost offered him a wonderful opportunity, but their obliviousness has made it a stressor for him instead. I agree that this is crap and they should be much more considerate. We have taken other kids on holiday and never asked them to pay for their own food. And an 18 year old is, in my mind, still financially a kid.

The weirdest thing to me is the two lads not wanting to go off together. That’s what led me to think there may have been some altercation between them. 18 year olds don’t usually want to hang around their parents all evening. And presumably the friend wanted the ds to come along... I mean he either suggested it to the parents, or at the very least agreed to it.

When they said ‘would you like us to book a holiday for one of your mates to come too?’ he could have said no thanks, or invited another friend instead. That’s what makes me feel there’s a lot more to this than meets the eye and it would be so interesting to hear the hosts’ version. No one in their right mind would spend good money on inviting someone along on a luxury holiday intending the whole thing to be awkward for everyone

Acciocats I posted about this earlier in the thread. I would imagine that hosts DS is less likely to want to trudge into town after a days activities as his DPs are picking up his share of the 70 euro steaks, whereas if he does go into town he'll need to pay for his own modest meal.

Anyway with OPs update, things seem to have worked themselves out and both boys now going into town and the DS very nicely and politely paying for other DSs dinner.Perhaps the OPs DS was invited to encourage their DS to be more independent, who knows.

Possibly but it does make you wonder how friendly they really are.

£20 would barely cover time in the airport.
Honestly some people do talk rubbish.

It sounds like he has breakfast included. So eat a lot at breakfast and take rolls and cheese to make up sandwiches for lunch. Then £20 for pizza etc in evening. Drink tap water. Perfectly doable.

Even if people think £20 a day is doable, it leaves no slack whatsoever for emergencies, spending slightly more as a once off, getting burned in a touristy place (happens). It was woefully inadequate.

I also think most people would have factored in budget to pay for a meal for the family as a thank you.

I’m just not sure why you’d put your child in that position.

Doubt your average 18 yr old is going to want to drink tap water all holiday!
But then I would be expecting them to fund their own alcohol anyway

On the £20 I could still drink a bit of beer, not much, but a bit. But then I have went on holiday at 16 and then 19 with a far smaller food budget than £20 a day in real terms.

Oh god yes, I was youth hosteling at 17/18 and spending far less in real terms. But a lot depends on the type of holiday doesn’t it?
If you know you’re staying in a luxury hotel then you know you’re not going to be cooking up beans in a shared kitchen.
Presumably the son knew the name of the hotel where they were staying, doesn’t take much to google and find out about it; indeed I can’t imagine going on holiday (even if someone else was paying for travel and hotel) and not googling just to see where I was going.

Wish OP would link to the website.

I also think the €45 sandwich should go down in MN folklore.

I've tried to avoid taking friends on holiday, or sending my DC with other families, for all the reasons emerging from this thread. I have been both host and guest you can feel really trapped when things aren't running smoothly.

I suspect the host lad is not enjoying having his friend around for whatever reason and everybody's plans for them eating and socialising independently have gone out of the window. You'll know more when he gets home.

I think the criticism of the OP and her DS are very unfair. Whatever the circumstances these sound like very poor hosts. It's not how anyone I know would behave.

My parents took a friend on holiday at 17 and paid for everything. They were not well off. I would not pay for alcohol for an 18 year old, but meals yes.

This one is a lesson in life. £20 a day is plenty and it was very generous of you to give it. Some types of people are just best avoided.

He is clearly staying in a mystery yet fabulous hotel you can only dream of and has his accommodation paid for and activities, too

I assume these are aligned to yachts, truffle tasting and jet ski-ing

He is 18 with a car and some money put away for university and what seems like a bright and hopeful future

He has enjoyed no doubt, delicious food at £70 a pop

He appears not to be in any foreseeable danger and is unlikely to starve over the next few days

And your problem is, OP? No, really, your problem is?

Taxiforme if mumsnet was restricted to those with a genuine large problem hardly anyone would be entitled to post.

It's a really interesting thread from the perspective of how people view 18 year olds differently, the wildly opposing views of what is meant by hosting and hospitality and also how much funding and research is appropriate for a holiday.

Also, the minute an OP pulls the "poor" card a whole load of people immediately rush to support them without reading between the lines. And people who take a story at face value without thinking, "Hey, wait a minute, on what possible planet might this actually happen?"

£20 a day for three meals and drinks? Is that enough? I wouldn’t think it was. Maybe £200 but not £120. Maybe look into the area and it’s prices next time.

It's not for three meals, they're staying B&B in a hotel.

And if you have a decent breakfast, as late as service allows, you'd probably only need to buy one other restaurant meal a day and then supplement with snacks or a sandwich etc.

So either get an ice cream in the daytime and have an evening meal out or have a late lunch out and then get an evening snack if you feel peckish.

As they're in Italy, I'd expect to be able to get a pizza or main course pasta dish in a restaurant for around 10 euro, so filling and cheap and would allow for a beer or two as well. It's still going to be tight, but he does have some of his own money as well as the £120 the OP gave him. Just not enough to be paying high end hotel prices every day.

If they have activites planned it's unlikely he can have breakfast as late as they allow, and have you seen how much some teenage boys eat ? And evening meal is likely to be later evening and not five pm. So that's several hours between meals. Plus he needs to buy stuff to drink during the day. Even bottled water is expensive. Twenty quid a day was never going to cut it unless he as going self catering. I'm not sure why people are trying to pretend otherwise.

Next there will be suggestions he should be nicking food from breakfast.

So he should spend the money he has for university on overpriced hotel meals?

It's only 6 days and he already has a starting amount of £20 a day so it's hardly going to stop him from going to uni 😂😂

He has also been offered money off his mother (who would borrow it from his Aunt) so he has options but is refusing to use any and just wants the friends family to pay. Sounds a bit of a strange viewpoint.

Probably he would rather not eat that's kind of the point (and actually sensible)

Yes, so I'm trying to understand the issue. He thinks it's not worth his money, but it's worth their money.