How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

[UndertheCedartree]

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

Wasn’t there a survey done that showed married men were the happiest people followed by single women? I wonder why. (I don’t really, I know why)

Personal experience forms opinions though Boggles
Most men aren't dangerous but the ones that are so things that can't be undone.
No need to be weird and hide it, just don't move in together.
If it's good enough to wait a bit for them it's serious.
And I do judge abusers but not their victims.

Joxer absolutely agree, can't understand why anyone who has had one relationship breakdown would even consider moving a new partner into their home . Sadly too many people seem incapable of living independently (even when they have children). And statistics always show that second time around relationships break up more often than first time ones.

Why anyone thinks their sex life is more important than their children’s peace of mind is a mystery to me

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Mothers who are still with their DC's gather still have sex, you know.

Fathers can be bullies and abusers too, you know.

If have someone's child after, say, two years of being with them, how do you know they're any more trustworthy than someone you meet post split? Who you'd like to move in with after, say, five years together, but you won't countenance it because the DC are still young and at home?

Why is a man's prospective behaviour not a concern just because he happens to be the child's biological father?

Lots of bio fathers are absolute horrors to their children (and partners). Many stepfathers are loving, good parents (like my DH).

*DC's father 🙄

It depends, it's only appropriate to move in when they are ready to be a partner and help coparent the children. Thus could be six months it could be 5 years - depends on situations, personalities etc. What is essential is your children are exposed to a string of live in boyfriends each only lasting a few months.

At least a couple of years, I wouldn’t even introduce them until the relationship had lasted a year or so.

My boyfriend moved in after approx 2 years but he would stay over a few times per week for nearly a year before that so wasn’t a massive transition. Kids were 6&5, that was 13 years ago.

I have two young dcs and we're planning on waiting 18 months for him to meet dcs and moving in would be probably at least 2/3 years down the line. We're serious about moving forward with our relationship but you never know how that may work out and I would only ever even introduce them when I was certain that he was someone I will spend my life with.

I would also add like others have said though, if my dcs were teenagers I would wait until they left home, whenever that would be

I have "normal family life", LaVieilleHarpie , and I also have sex (occasionally, but that suits!). I just don't happen to have another adult living in my house. Happy AF with that setup, thanks. Sorry to burst your bubble of generalisation.

Because of course the ultimate aim of all single or separated women on this earth should be to cohabit with a man, right?

@screamingladysuch - I think that is because the resident parent is usually the mother and it makes sense not to uproot children from their family home. I absolutely would not move my children in with my boyfriend (hypothetically as he doesn't have room for us all anyway). How does he have his life subsidised? If we came to the point where my boyfriend moved in he has already said he would pay half of all household costs. This will be more than he is currently paying out. He rents so no house to get income from. It will be me and my children who benefit financially from him moving in (not that this is a consideration for him moving in but is a fact).

If a woman is happy to live without a man, great! I’m single and happy myself right now and ironically, since my kids are now adults, I’m not sure if I ever want a live in relationship in the future.

But it is not fair to tell other women that they don’t deserve to have that. That they are not putting their children “first” if they do want that. And that’s what people do on here. As stated in the OP, a woman always gets attacked with “you moved hIm in too soon” and “put your child first” and all of that. I have done the whole raising kids with no support thing and it’s fucking hard! I don’t blame someone for wanting a bit of happiness. FWIW I was raised by my real dad and he was one of the nastiest, most abusive men on the planet. I’d have happily traded him for even a mediocre step dad! I am sorry for those who had bad experiences as kids themselves and, in that scenario, can fully see why you deem it to be too great a risk. But don’t take that out on other women. It’s not a crime to want love and companionship.

My lovely step mum that was in my life for a while (before my asshole dad dumped her) she was actually a previous wife of his! So her kids were his kids. He had me with OW. Well she never ever dated anyone else. He left her first when the kids were young, she devoted herself to them. He came back years later but then dumped her again. She never dated anyone else. And you know what, her kids grew up feeling guilty! I know because they told me. They wished more than anything that their mum had been able to find happiness with someone else. Yes they may have acted a bit brattish had it happened but, as adults, they feel very sad about it.

@DCOkeford - when you say a few years - how long do you mean? If the children are very young they could not move out for 15 years plus? That's quite a long time!

3 years together here and I'm thinking another 7 might be just about ok for him to move in

Never. I'm resolutely single for the duration of having dependents I've decided. I'm very happy with my own company and like being able to focus all of my energies and emotions on their needs and my own! I feel liberated and not at all lonely by this decision though. I know others disagree.

And you know what, her kids grew up feeling guilty! I know because they told me. They wished more than anything that their mum had been able to find happiness with someone else.

Isn't that them projecting onto their mother, tho?

When they get married .

@bogglesgoggles - you raise some good points. I agree that although it is important to be very very careful as to who you move into your family home. But there are lots of positives if it works out.

Prepared to be flamed.

I was great friends with my now dh. He was great with ds took him to football games etc. We started a relationship, but from day 1 we both knew we wanted to be with each other.
From the relationship part he moved in 1 month after.. My ds actually asked him to. He was 10..
I however kept everything in my name etc for. Security.
Were now married 1 dc and 1 on way
I never regret it.

If ds hadn't known him prior then no way. But we'd been friends for years prob around 7 and ds knew him all that time.

They still get on so well.. And like to tease and outnumber me.

I have gained a fantastic dsd.. Although I knew her before she was young so didn't tell. Her the realstionship part at 1st.. I can't remember how long exactly it was though off hand.

All kids get on well..

4 years and 8 months... we were engaged and I was about to give birth to our first child together.

He met DS 3 months into the relationship and only a handful of times over the first year.

We have two daughters together now, and I think that if we ever split up, I also probably wouldn’t have another boyfriend move in until they’ve all left

5 years at least.

@taytosandwich - but isn't the point that the new partner shouldn't be a stranger before they move in? They should have developed a good relationship with the children and the children should be happy for him to move in. I also don't think the man would have to have authority over them - surely that depends on parenting style and agreement between the mother and new partner.

Your children are to rule your life forever and you must sacrifice any and all happiness and fulfilment on the altar of Motherhood. Your children will then grow up and leave home, and you will be left all alone, but at least you'll have this warm fuzzy feeling of eternal martyrdom to sweeten it

You don’t think there are other options? Either have a relationship or you’re some kind of martyr?

I have an active sex life, good friendships, a successful and varied career, 3 children to look after. I don’t need to live with anyone to prove something to people like you. There’s more than one way to be happy and fulfilled. I am not risking my children’s financial futures to live with anyone - but I suppose you also struggle to understand that people can also be financially independent and not need an additional income.

What if you want children?
I have half sisters. I love them completely. As adults we are very close. I would be deeply sad if they didn’t exist because all children should leave home before your ever allowed a proper co-habiting relationship