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Original poster

To blow everyone’s world up

337 replies

Secretspiller · 03/09/2019 20:23

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

OP posts:
DieBabySharkDie · 04/09/2019 08:31

Good luck! Flowers

katewhinesalot · 04/09/2019 08:31

You are doing the right thing. Be honest and say that you thought about not saying anything because of the kids and the fact it's over, that you weren't sure if it was best to tell him. But say that obviously he deserved to know. Remind him of the impact on the kids.

DoveBlue · 04/09/2019 08:40

You are doing the right thing. You are not the one hurting them. I have had to tell someone their DH was having an affair I was so scared but they believed me and were actually relieved that they weren't going mad cos they had suspicions.

Muddlingalongalone · 04/09/2019 08:48

Good luck OP. You are doing the right thing 100%.
SIL only told you to be entirely self-serving, which pretty much shows you her character when you combine it with the affairs.

FireBloodAndIce · 04/09/2019 08:51

Good luck with both of them. They may well have many reactions including anger but given how SIL has lied to your brother, it should be a bit of relief to no longer be gaslighted.

Ignoring SIL is for the best. She's a nasty shit that deserves everything coming to her. Best to tell quickly as well before your brother is stressed more by lies, your friend conceives or both get an STI!

bluebluezoo · 04/09/2019 08:52

I agree. This woman is not your friend.

Offer him support. Especially with access to the kids- if he wants to consider RP and her moving out. Depends on situation of course.

Similar happened with my dh. His wife had an affair. She pulled in friends and family, gaslighted them all into believing the marriage was on the rocks- poor dh thought his marriage was fine until the day she changed the locks on their newly remotgaged house, cleared out the accounts and moved her OM in. His family still see her, are friends with her. The lack of support has irreparably broken dh’s relationship with his family. If he had known what was going on he’d have protected himself financially, and his relationship with the kids.

CheeseChipsMayo · 04/09/2019 08:59

😂😂@waggingknife
..spot on!Christ i thought rural Westcountry was bad/inbred..put the poor ba$tard out of his misery(adulterous&STD)..be loyal to the injured party/family not the grubby,genital led 'bff brigade'..ur gonna look a right turd wen it
hits the fan(&it always does) time they grew up&get their bits checked too..

SunshineCake · 04/09/2019 09:02

I am so sorry you are in this position.

I've been in a situation where a cheater was protected by the cheated on person and that is 100% their choice but this is a different situation where you have no choice and you are 100% doing the right thing and protecting the right person.

Btw you are not ruining any memory. The cheater did that.

Poshjock · 04/09/2019 09:03

Good luck. It’s going to be horrible for the next few weeks dealing with the fall out. Your SIL is not your friend for putting you in this situation. Take comfort in the fact you are honestly doing this with the very best intentions.

It’s so awful that someone you trust has put you in this situation in the first place.

KUGA · 04/09/2019 09:04

Difficult one is this.
If you tell your DB he could be devastated and wish you had said nothing.
And blame you for the outcome whatever it is.
On the other hand your slapper of a SIL should come clean and hope for the best.
If the scumbag she had the affair with is in a relationship he should be shown up for the arse he is and she should be told.
You are right though your damned either way.
REALY FEEL FOR YOUR BROTHER

Gottobefree · 04/09/2019 09:05

You need to tell your brother. At least if it comes from you, you might be able to help control the situation so it's a mutual and less blow up situation for all involved.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/09/2019 09:13

You don't want to, because it's easier. It's a natural response OP so don't beat yourself up for it.

As other pp have said, this woman is not your friend, your priority is with your DB, and you'd do far more harm by letting sleeping dogs lie. You'd blow the world up when it eventually came out (which it would), and your db found out you knew.

Good luck for today Thanks

nestisflown · 04/09/2019 09:13

@TowelNumber42 incredible advice.

Good luck OP. It's not your fault that you're in this situation. None of this is your fault and once you've told your brother and best friend what you know, none of it will be your responsibility anymore.

ChuckleBuckles · 04/09/2019 09:27

Sending you a hand hold and support for today OP, it is not easy but it is the right thing to tell you DB, best of luck to you all Flowers

LemonBreeland · 04/09/2019 09:30

Just read all of this. Good luck for today. You really have been put in an awful position by your SIL.

themouldneverbotheredmeanyway · 04/09/2019 09:30

Sorry she has put you in this situation op. In your shoes I would tell my brother.

Firstly because he has a right to know, so he can make informed decisions about his own life.

Secondly because the fact that she expects you to lie for her to your own brother, and asked this in the middle of a playdate ffs, shows that she hadn't learnt from her previous mistake and is thinking only of herself - not of her husband, you or her kids. She is highly likely to cheat again.

Thirdly because he will be your brother for life, and if he finds out that you kept this secret from him your sibling relationship will never recover.

ChuckleBuckles · 04/09/2019 09:31

@TowelNumber42 I would like a friend like you in my corner whenever things hit the fan, best piece of advice I have read in a long time.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 04/09/2019 09:31

Good luck. You are doing the right thing.

themouldneverbotheredmeanyway · 04/09/2019 09:32

And also I would tell him myself, because I think it's likely she will not disclose the whole truth, or delay and delay, if you say she has to tell him.

mummmy2017 · 04/09/2019 09:33

I hope you DB sees you put him first.

LemonPrism · 04/09/2019 09:34

Tell your brother but ask him to say he was sent a letter?

IncrediblySadToo · 04/09/2019 09:42

I hope it went ok with your brother. Sometimes it’s actually a relief to be told you’re right and you’re not losing your mind! Obviously it’s still horrific, but at least you feel like you can trust your own mind/ instinct.

I hope he stays in the house with his kids and she’s the one moving out!

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 04/09/2019 09:44

Well done OP. The hard truth is you may lose friends over this (thinking of your friend whose DP SIL was cheating with - SIL is clearly no true friend) as it is a fact that some people just can't cope with the 'messenger', especially if she makes the choice to stay with her partner. However, you are doing absolutely the right thing and hopefully when the initial shock and hurt has worn off they will both see you were acting in their best interests.

Ilikethisone · 04/09/2019 09:45

OP can I give my perspective.

I am with my best friends brother. I havent ever cheated. But if I did, there would be no way, I would be putting my best friend in the position where had to lie to her brother and join in with gas lighting him.

I love my dp. And I love my best friend. When I got with him, I respected their relationship too. I am closer to her that she is with him.

Firstly, I would not put their relationship in jeopardy. Secondly, I would not out her in a position where any choice she makes, she feels she is destroying someone. Not ask her to help abuse her brother.

Thata what she is asking. Her gas lighting is abuse and she wants you to join in.

The woman thinks very little of the relationship she has with you, the relationship you have with your brother or the relationship she has with him.

She isnt a good friend or a good person.

diddl · 04/09/2019 10:17

Why did everyone think that your brother was so wrong last time?

Would people be thinking the same again if SIL hadn't admitted it?

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