To blow everyone’s world up

[Secretspiller]

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

if this is the type of womn she is she will also i dont doubt try to then push you under the bus when it comes out.she will NOT protect you.you dont owe her anything shes done all this and to top it put you in an unbearable situation.that shows what you mean to her,what type of person she has been not once but twice.
if he or other get angry it wont be to you,if anything just aimed at you beasue it needs to go somewhere.
pik the best way to do it.sit with him.be with him.support him.just tell him you bloody love him and couldnt lie for her.tell him she asked you to lie if needs be and you couldnt do it.
whatever happens after if they split if they dont it wont ever be your fault.

if this is the type of womn she is she will also i dont doubt try to then push you under the bus when it comes out.she will NOT protect you.you dont owe her anything shes done all this and to top it put you in an unbearable situation.that shows what you mean to her,what type of person she has been not once but twice.
if he or other get angry it wont be to you,if anything just aimed at you beasue it needs to go somewhere.
pik the best way to do it.sit with him.be with him.support him.just tell him you bloody love him and couldnt lie for her.tell him she asked you to lie if needs be and you couldnt do it.
whatever happens after if they split if they dont it wont ever be your fault.

I don’t really understand posters saying that by telling her brother she risks losing him. There’s no way he’s going to shut her out. But if he knows she knew and didn’t tell him, that is a betrayal too.

do you have dp.could he help you with this.when it happened to my cousin in similar situ.her husband marhed round and told the dp what the hell his "wife"had put on to her.

She’s put you in a position where your hands are completely tied. I would tell my siblings because I know they would want me to. She’s been so unfair to you - this is not a burden you need to carry and it’s certainly not fair to expect you to be a fall guy, which you will be as she’ll be able to distract everyone with ‘but sil knew...’

I didn’t tell my sibling because I knew she would stay with him. It was also the third time if she had found out that I knew and didn’t tell her I would point out her ex best friend who did tell her and now she is totally blanked

Id tell, i dont keep secrets like that for people.
You can tell me you had a secret abortion, spent a grand on clothes, took drugs on the girls weekend, i DGAF
But DO NOT tell me your cheating if you dont want it getting out
Ive been cheated on, id wanna be told

Don't wait until tomorrow - do it right now! Also, do NOT let on that you e known since the weekend.... Seriously

I hate cheaters so I would definitely tell your brother. If you end up looking bad because of it - well who cares? You will be doing the right thing imho.

Please tell your brother.

Given the behaviour of SIL and OM, I'd advise your brother to make an appointment at the local STD clinic.

She's no friend worth having. You can support your brother through this. It will be a shitstorm but not of your making:

That was meant to be a full stop. The post was finished!

If I was in this situation I would want to know.

You may end up losing your DB either way. You tell him today and he may not talk to you. You don't tell him and it comes out that you knew he probably most definitely won't talk to you.

You need to tell him today so that your SIL can't twist it and manipulate the situation to make herself look good.

You defended her last time, albeit for complicated reasons. How is your db going to feel if you appear to take her side by not telling him this time either? You have no choice.
Good luck today.

I hate the 'I'm not telling as people always shoot the messenger' stance. It was given as an excuse to me by a mutual friend who had known for months that my h was having an affair with my best friend. It's contributed to the fact that I no longer trust anyone at all as it just illustrates how self interested people are.
I don't speak to that friend anymore. I consider it a huge betrayal that she watched what was happening for months and did nothing.

God your sil is a horrible person. She deserves everything that happens now.

Wow. Good luck for today. This is awful for you to have to share.

I wonder if she's told you in the hope you do tell your brother and that she thinks she'll persuade him to stay and then you can be shot, and dropped, as the messenger.

He is coming round this morning. I sent her a generic sorry I was really busy message to account for my non replial. My DB runs his own company so I asked if him if he could pop in this morning but keep it to himself. He already knows from that something is up and has said he’s not waiting around all day as I never want to speak to him on his own.

Best friend is coming over at lunch time. I’m going to have to tell her. Completely ruining the memory of her youngest first day at school but what choice do I have. As soon as DB knows this is going to go nuclear so at least I can be with her.

I’m literally shaking. I told DH everything last night and he was super supportive. Thankyou to all of you that have been supportive and those that have shown the other side and given tough but invaluable advice. I never wanted to deceive or lie for her. I just didn’t want to cause pain if it’s over and has been for some time according to her.

To be clear I was not the only one who thought DB was being unfair last year. Even best friend who husband it is thought the whole thing was ludicrous as did my parents. We honestly thought the first time was due to lots of reasons and that she would never do that again. Stupid, yes. Naive, yes. Malicious against DB, no.

I feel like I’m in an impossible situation and even though I know what I need to do something is telling me not to. I can’t pretend it’s not. Which is why I came on here. So Thankyou to everyone for giving me the courage

TowelNumber42’s advice is the best I’ve ever seen in this scenario.

You’re absolutely right to tell your brother!

Good luck op!!

I’m glad you are telling them both. Your SIL sounds a nasty piece of work!

Good luck OP. Never forget, this woman has brought all of this on herself.

I hope today goes as well as it can OP

Well done OP.

Wishing you hope that it goes as well as can be expected.

It's so hard for you that you're tangled in both sides of the affair.

But you haven't done anything wrong. X