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AIBU?

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Original poster

To blow everyone’s world up

337 replies

Secretspiller · 03/09/2019 20:23

Name change for this one

My SIL and I are very close, best friends. My DB is a pain but I love him. They have 4 children. She confided in me at the weekend that she had her second affair last year, this time with our mutual best friends DP. They have 3 children.

The reason she told me is someone else knows and is using it against her so she wants me to back her up if/when it comes out.

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad. She would never do that again as she nearly lost it all last time. I sat and listened to her for hours about how DB was making her life miserable with these accusations, he was right with the timing and the person.

The man in question is a sleaze, always has been and I long suspected he had cheated on best friend many a time. If it comes out, which it will do, that I knew (after the fact) I run the risk of losing DB and best friend. If I tell I lose my SIL who is also my best friend and blow up 2 very interconnected families and a wider friendship group.

It’s over and has been for a while, he’s moved onto SIL other friend who is not really in the group. Despite the fact best friend thinks they are trying for another child.

I want to tell. I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t. I wish she hadn’t told me!

OP posts:
RippleEffects · 03/09/2019 22:14

As a divorcee due to Xhusbands affair myself, I think telling your brother is the right thing to do. I'd try and take it a step further though and tell him with enough time (even a few hours in the daytime) he can start to get his head straight about how to proceed.

Once the shirt publicly hits the fan everything spins quickly and rash decisions are made.

He has children and a home to consider. He needs to think about how custody will work, who will love where, who moves out in the short term.

He doesn't need the answers to these, but he needs to sew the seed of what he wants to maintain control of his life.

FWIW I wasn't able to rebuild trust with the quite large numbers of people who knew about the affair and just kept quiet. The hurt of their lack of respect of my right to know was very painful and made me feel a complete fool at a time I needed my self esteem to look after my DC.

Original poster
Secretspiller · 03/09/2019 22:14

I didn’t collude. I didn’t know until the weekend. I honestly thought she had learnt her lesson the first time and as I say that wasn’t cut and dry. A lot of different scenarios were happening the first time and whilst I didn’t condone or excuse I did understand to a certain extent. I also didn’t think she would be stupid enough to do it with who she has. So I genuinely thought he was just pushing his unresolved issues onto her from the first time. She swore blind he was persecuting her and I believed her. I may be torn over hurting people but I certainly do not condone nor did I collude against my DB.

OP posts:
JesusHRooseveltChristAgain · 03/09/2019 22:16

I know you feel like your in an impossible situation, and it is very tough! But it is the right thing to tell your brother and friend. It will be short term pain, but you will all come through it and you'll know you did the right thing.
For me the fact sil tried to get you to lie would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

ivykaty44 · 03/09/2019 22:17

You give her 48 hours to come clean otherwise you’ll tell DB, your loyalty is to your brother and really he needs to hear it from his spouse not anyone else

JesusHRooseveltChristAgain · 03/09/2019 22:17

*you're in an impossible situation!

PinkiOcelot · 03/09/2019 22:20

I really don’t envy the position your “best friend” has put you in.

Popetthetreehugger · 03/09/2019 22:22

I truly believe that people only tell you what they want you to act on... who would tell the closest family member they can find if their not wanting it to come to a head ?

bluebell34567 · 03/09/2019 22:22

you can tell her that you cant lie to your brother and that she has to resolve this issue herself.
if she has cheated twice why is she not leaving the marriage? it looks like an unhappy marriage.

Jux · 03/09/2019 22:33

You don't have to tell her anything. She doesn't deserve it.

You need to get this over and done with asap. Tell both betrayed people tomorrow, together or separately. Yes, it'll be hard. Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2019 22:33

I'm glad you're going to tell your brother. It's 100% the right thing to do. And NO WAY would I EVER cover for a cheater, I don't care who it is or how close I am to them.

But don't be surprised if your nasty-ass SiL hasn't made a presumptive strike and either told her DH herself with her own 'spin' or has told him that you are mad at her and threatening to 'tell him lies'.

As far as mutual friend goes, I'd ask your brother whether he wants to tell her (as mutually cheated on spouses) or whether he wants you to do it. But again, the cheating partner may have beaten you to the punch if your SiL has 'warned him' that she's told you & you aren't answering the phone to her.

CandleWithHair · 03/09/2019 22:34

This woman is not your best friend. Tell your brother. Now.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/09/2019 22:35

She has put you in an impossible position, the twisted cow, plus the messenger always gets shot OP.. but I agree with everyone, telling your brother is the right thing to do.
If you don't feel you're in a position to tell your brother then I certainly wouldn't be backing her up, when this does break. Don't be a co-conspirator, your brother would never forgive you. Flowers

Boozysuzy84 · 03/09/2019 22:38

Sorry that you have been put in this terrible situation. A stranger came to my door 5 weeks ago and told me that my husband and partner of 17 years was having an affair. I will be eternally grateful to that person. We were trying for another baby and if he hadn't have told me I'd probably never have found out. No one deserves to be cheated on and lied to. Imagine yourself in the same situation, how would you feel knowing family and friends of yours knew about this and didnt tell you? Believe me I've been there ........... the hurt of the people closest to you not telling you the truth is almost as hurtful as the affair itself. X

Longlongsummer · 03/09/2019 22:45

DB suspected last year and we all told him he was mad.

The poor guy. And he’s your brother!

Why on earth wouldn’t you tell him? He is being betrayed and lied to. It’s a big big deal.

CakeAndGin · 03/09/2019 22:51

What a shitty situation she’s put you in.

When you tell your brother, I’d ask him if he can give you a few days to see your other friend and let her know, rather than her finding out from the other brother. It will come out about who SIL has the affair with and I think you’re really going to struggle to keep the friendship if your brother tells her vs you. However, be prepared that your brother might just want to react straight away, which is understandable. So your second priority if that happens is to damage control with the other friend, tell her you planned to tell her very soon but understand why your brother has told her first. Be prepared that she might want nothing to do with you. That isn’t your fault, it’s your SIL’s fault for putting you in that position. I wouldn’t tell them both together. I couldn’t think of anything worse than being told my husband is cheating with the other betrayed partner. I would have to be really careful about my emotions and it would be so humiliating, even though I know the other person would be suffering the same humiliation.

Hopefully both your brother and friend will realise that you shouldn’t be punished for being the bearer of bad news.

Longlongsummer · 03/09/2019 22:53

Also, you do see how abusive this is towards your brother? It’s emotional torture. He knows something is wrong and is going mad.

Not telling him is letting a seriously emotionally abusive situation continue. And what’s worse, his own sister is part of the betrayal too.

It’s not an impossible situation. Of choice. There is only one decision here. Tell him.

And yes I was in your brothers situation. I’m so glad I found out DH was having an affair. I was going mad knowing something was up. The main awful thought I still have about it, is imagine never knowing. Imagine me and exDH split up or he left and I had this false history whereby I was the crazy paranoid wife who had lost all her sense of self worth - but exDH was such a good guy putting up with me until he couldn’t take it anymore. I’d have carried that with me for the rest of my life.

Luckily I feel stronger, happier and instead of thinking I’ve gone dippy and unattractive, I now know exDH was just a lying dick and it wasn’t my fault.

ShadyLady53 · 03/09/2019 22:57

Your SIL has made her bed and she can bloody well lie in it. There are no excuses for her or sleaze bags disgusting behaviour. Your poor DB and mutual friend. I couldn’t continue to be best friends with a home wrecker. I’d rather be on the right side of things and not lose the innocent parties. She might go after your DP next!

42bsh · 03/09/2019 22:58

Id be careful as your friend can obviously manipulate situations to suit herself. If this affair is in the past, I’d say stay out of it as much as possible but encourage your friend to tell the truth and explain you won’t be lying or covering for her. You could end up losing your brother, as people often shoot the messenger.

IncrediblySadToo · 03/09/2019 23:00

You’re doing the right thing telling your brother and your actual BF

I’d just say to your brother that you gate to gave to say this, but you’ve just found out that his suspicions last year were true that you’re sorry you defended gervatbthe time but that she was lying to you as well.

I can’t believe the cheek of the bitch exoecting you to lie to your brother and your BF - who the fuck does she think she is that you should prioritise her over them??

She’s been using you for a long time - she’s no friend stop feeling guilty and start feeling angry!

SHE is the one who has ruined lives, not you! Her AND sleazy cheating BF’s DH

IncrediblySadToo · 03/09/2019 23:01

Don’t bugger about any more, she had her chance and refused! Just tell your DB & BF TOMORROW.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/09/2019 23:04

Yes, you have to tell them. I agree she is a dreadful, selfish friend to have loaded this on to you. I would not trust her at all, she lied and lied again, to both you and your brother. She made your shore up her marriage by reassuring your brother, when she had actually had another affair ?
Why do you like her OP ? She treats people terribly.
You will have to tell your brother and friend and then let them make their own choices about their marriages. Knowing what you do and keeping quiet will land you in deep shit eventually, as your SIL absolutely will betray you.
Tell the truth to the people you love, and think about whether you want friends like your SIL in your life at all.

Tistheseason17 · 03/09/2019 23:13

Tell them before she gets a chance to tell them and throw you under the bus.

Do not tell her you are telling them or she will race you to it.

You are doing the right thing.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/09/2019 23:17

I agree with Tistheseason17

independentfriend · 03/09/2019 23:20

Have skim read the thread - I recommend doing whatever you think will be best for your nieces/nephews in the longer term. Living in a household where there's something unspoken that's wrong will be hard for them and influencing their developing understanding of how relationships between adults work.

Try, so far as you can, to persuade your brother and sister in law to separate amicably so far as arrangements for the children are concerned.

busybarbara · 03/09/2019 23:55

The danger of telling someone about an affair is that even if you are merely the messenger you can still end up being tarred. There is zero guarantee you don't "lose" someone by telling them the truth first. And this is what OP seems to be rightly worried about. Even merely as a concerned messenger she could be blamed by all involved parties for the eventual mess.

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