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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding - issues with date

158 replies

Hopingtobeamum · 03/09/2019 17:53

My DH2B are getting married on 21 Dec this year, we went out to everyone we knew we wanted there about a month ago and polled them to see whether that date would work (bearing in mind it's close to Xmas).
We have our heart set on this date having wanted a Xmas wedding, also timing wise it works really well for us due to work schedules and allowing us to get away for a honeymoon soon after. DH2B is a contractor so no work = no pay and he's scheduled to be off over Xmas as company closes down.
The majority of people who were on our 'must attend' list accepted, which we were really happy about, my DS accepted but now can't attend as she works in Retail and her boss won't permit the 1 day holiday required.
Fast foward 3 weeks and I've been called a "fat C7nt" and told to "F off" by DS. Also advised that BIL wont attend alone with my young niece (so she can be flower girl) as he doesn't want to travel all that way on his own with her (wedding is 5 hours drive from their house).

My parents are also joining in on the act and told me Father wont give me away and have cancelled an invite to stay with them later this month.
I'm being bullied into changing the date to a date that suits them and have had all manner of text abuse from them (DS, Mum + Stepdad). It's made me feel awful and has put a dampner on the whole thing.
My sister was married 3 years ago, I wasn't included in any of the wedding, aside from being a guest, sister ignored me at her hen do and wedding (despite me flying 8 hours to get to both events) and didn't want me to be a bridesmaid (note I asked her to be my maid of honour).
AIBU? I'm trying to include my family but am just getting nasty messages.
I've now offered to use the money we were going to spend on honeymoon to put towards a small 2nd wedding so sister and her family can attend.
Feel like I'm trying to accommodate but getting little back

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/09/2019 17:55

Just don't invite them, they sound nasty

GoneToTheDock · 03/09/2019 17:55

If they dont want to come, you'll probably have a much better time

Fuck them (and your dsis is a cunt - you can type that here)

oreodough · 03/09/2019 17:56

Why are you trying to be so accommodating to people who think so little of you?

You have given plenty of notice, your sister didn't make an effort to include you in her wedding, why have your parents sided with her? Is there a backstory to this?

I understand their reactions must be upsetting, but enjoy your wedding your way without them

highheelsandbobblehats · 03/09/2019 17:56

What do you want more? That date or all your family (who sound like complete pains) there? It's your wedding. Pick your priority and stop bending over backwards for them.

athenagoddessofwar · 03/09/2019 17:57

Those are horrible names to call anyone. A Christmas wedding would be beautiful. Stick to your guns.

BlueJava · 03/09/2019 17:57

The reaction of your family sounds extreme! Just continue with your plans and go for a lovely, romantic, quiet wedding without them. Above all don't let them bully you into changing the date.

WhyBirdStop · 03/09/2019 17:58

Can she not call in sick for one day? Tell her to fuck off and have your wedding when you want.

AntiHop · 03/09/2019 18:01

I read this thinking ds was your son, but i realise now that's your sister (dsis).

I presume this isn't the first time your mum, step dad and sister have been awful to you. Do what works for you.

LordNibbler · 03/09/2019 18:02

Your family sound utterly delightful Hmm
Look, just forget all about them and have the date you and your fella want. Because I guess even if you changed it to accommodate your sister, she would still find something else to find fault with. And do you really want people who call you such awful names and disinvite you from visits to be at your wedding?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2019 18:02

That's some rather extreme overreactions to a date. So, either they're batshit, or there's a huge chunk of this story that's been omitted.

Sunflowers211 · 03/09/2019 18:02

Abuse aside of course your DS is unable to get the day off so close to Christmas, no one working in retail is allowed, so that is not her fault. But it's your day, you can either marry on this day or choose another date.

BackforGood · 03/09/2019 18:03

Good grief, I wouldn't be trying to arrange a '2nd wedding' for people who spoke to me like that.
Just say "I'm sorry you can't be there, but that is why we checked with you all before booking it" and carry on as you were. It is a shame about your sister, but the others are Choosing to remove themselves.

Have the wedding with the people that love you and want to be there, not people that speak to you like that.

WitchDancer · 03/09/2019 18:08

I wouldn't give someone who called me such things a second thought, let alone try and organise a second wedding for them. Yes, it's upsetting that they won't be there but it's hardly your fault given that you gave them as much notice as possible.

LagunaBubbles · 03/09/2019 18:08

Why on earth are you even considering putting something on, they all sound horrific. Obviously you don't have a great relationship with any of them, particularly your sister as age called you a name for nothing. So what if they are family, they aren't thinking of your feelings in the slightest! Are they normal bullies with you?

Leeds2 · 03/09/2019 18:10

I would send them an invitation, and let them decline if they so wish. Make it quite clear that your wedding will be going ahead on your preferred date, with or without their presence, and that you will not be bullied into deciding otherwise. To be honest, it sounds like you will be better off without them there.
I also wouldn't be planning a second, alternative wedding for their benefit. Use the money for your honeymoon.

WindsorDuchess · 03/09/2019 18:11

I wouldn't have someone who called me a c* round for a cup of tea never mind have them as part of my wedding!

Weddings are stressful enough without having to deal with this crap.

It's your wedding, do what makes you and your partner happy, don't dance to anyone else's tune.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 03/09/2019 18:11

Hold firm and have your wedding when you want to have it. Don't let their nastiness away you.

cranstonmanor · 03/09/2019 18:11

Is DS your sistee or your son?

Either you get married on this date if it's important to you or you moved it so your family can be there. But I have to say that they don't sound flexibla, nice or in a celebratory mood!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 03/09/2019 18:12

I’m on MN wedding threads ALOT! One of the main things people regret is letting their family dictate their wedding.

My close friends had a daughter marry in the States. Two siblings couldn’t make it because of work.There were no messages of abuse or insistence she get married in the U.K. Everyone excepted her reasons ( also work related) and sent video messages.They were sad not angry they couldn’t be there.

Stress your valid reasons and stick to your guns. If they don’t come it really is their loss. You can have a marvellous wedding with just the two of you quite frankly. It’s just about you two saying your vows, at the end of the day. The rest of the wedding production is not important. Sod them. Walk yourself down the aisle and save the money from flower girl dress for a guest that wants to come.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 03/09/2019 18:12

*sway!

Henrysnoopy · 03/09/2019 18:15

Tbh I think a wedding so close to Christmas its quite selfish for not only holiday reasons but also financial implications especially if they are expected to travel 5 hours to attend so I can understand why they aren't happy about attending however they haven't covered their selves in glory here.

regmover · 03/09/2019 18:16

Nope. Nasty the lot of them. Tell them that they aren't wanted. Why would you even want your father to give you away when he treats you like this? Have a best friend do the honours instead, it will be much more special.

Atalune · 03/09/2019 18:17

Think you’re best without them in attendance. They sound rough as rocks.

Ragwort · 03/09/2019 18:18

If my sibling spoke to me so rudely there is no way I would want them at my wedding, don't put up with such poor treatment, have the wedding you want, if certain people can't come, then tough, you've told them the date, they can accept or decline.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 03/09/2019 18:19

If it wasn't for the awful behaviour of your family I would say Xmas weddings are a bit unreasonable and selfish - it's an expensive enough time of year as it is without throwing a wedding in too and many firms don't allow annual leave over Xmas

That being said the behaviour of your family is vile and not sure I would want them there whatever time of year I got married!