wedding - issues with date

[Hopingtobeamum]

My DH2B are getting married on 21 Dec this year, we went out to everyone we knew we wanted there about a month ago and polled them to see whether that date would work (bearing in mind it's close to Xmas).
We have our heart set on this date having wanted a Xmas wedding, also timing wise it works really well for us due to work schedules and allowing us to get away for a honeymoon soon after. DH2B is a contractor so no work = no pay and he's scheduled to be off over Xmas as company closes down.
The majority of people who were on our 'must attend' list accepted, which we were really happy about, my DS accepted but now can't attend as she works in Retail and her boss won't permit the 1 day holiday required.
Fast foward 3 weeks and I've been called a "fat C7nt" and told to "F off" by DS. Also advised that BIL wont attend alone with my young niece (so she can be flower girl) as he doesn't want to travel all that way on his own with her (wedding is 5 hours drive from their house).

My parents are also joining in on the act and told me Father wont give me away and have cancelled an invite to stay with them later this month.
I'm being bullied into changing the date to a date that suits them and have had all manner of text abuse from them (DS, Mum + Stepdad). It's made me feel awful and has put a dampner on the whole thing.
My sister was married 3 years ago, I wasn't included in any of the wedding, aside from being a guest, sister ignored me at her hen do and wedding (despite me flying 8 hours to get to both events) and didn't want me to be a bridesmaid (note I asked her to be my maid of honour).
AIBU? I'm trying to include my family but am just getting nasty messages.
I've now offered to use the money we were going to spend on honeymoon to put towards a small 2nd wedding so sister and her family can attend.
Feel like I'm trying to accommodate but getting little back

@Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav (I have two DSD's who would love that name!) I had words with them before and said that if they really didnt want to attend then that's their choice, but that our relationship would dramatically change as a consequence.
I suspect they thought about this and decided they were being ridiculous.
As for my sister I don't speak to her, in that I haven't contacted her after 'fatcuntgate'. She sent me some crap on whatsapp and I just ignored it as she was being a bitch again

@TheRobinIsBobbingAlong I had spoken to my sister and she believed she would get the time off but after booking the wedding it appeared she could not.

Re honeymoon, yes we can still go, even if I give the money back, although I'll need to change the hotel (can do this free of charge till mid Nov). Not the end of the world in all honesty.

My sister doesn't like it when the attention isn't on her, as in if my parents are visiting me she'll be on the phone c. 10 times a day asking what they're doing, what am I up to, what have I said etc etc.....seriously, who has time for this shit?

@TheRobinIsBobbingAlong I get what you mean about booking it.....my mum actually said to my face "I'm going to give you four thousand.....is that okay with you". This was two weeks ago.
There's no point bringing that up with her, she could have an argument in an empty room so I'd be wasting effort

@DidgeDoolittle you sound lovely....do you want another daughter lol! only kidding.

Hope your son, his W2B and you/your family have a lovely wedding day.

Their whole behaviour has just made me pull away from them. The hardest part is that I have a 18 month old niece who I adore but now do not see because of my awful sister

Honestly, I think the date is irrelevant here. Your family sound vile.

We are getting married in December (Friday 13th, yay ) and our family have been nothing but excited and happy for us. We are having a very small and lowkey registry office, which I'm sure isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it's our day and everyone has been just as excited and glad for us as if it were a big do.

@0SometimesIWonder thankyou so much, that's really kind of you. Happy 48th wedding anniversary for the same day x

@Celebelly agreed, they are vile (in this instance anyway), best wishes for 13th x

@flouncyfanny thanks....still in 2 minds and undecided as to what to do...give it back or say sod it and keep the money as it will really help me out. Am having to find 2.5k between now and end of year on top of what I've already committed to saving for the wedding.
Dh2B is a legend and is already paying for a lot of the wedding so won't dream of asking him for more (not fair anyway).
Am sure it'll all be fine, I'll work it out

He’s got his faults but as we all do and we want to get married.

What EXACTLY is your mum and stepfather’s complaint about him? That is very much glossing over it. Do they think he’s a tight arse, rude, not good enough for you, abusive? Does he have a violent criminal history? This could cover anything from “they don’t like his sense of humor” to “he’s on a community sentence.” They’re acting poorly about it, true, and that’s unacceptable (and no one ever has the right to call you a cunt, especially when you’ve said nothing!), but I can’t say they’re being entirely unreasonable in their feelings without knowing this, sorry. If you’re in an abusive relationship, for example, I would hope they’d be against the marriage. But it’s odd that your sister is saying she expects you to get divorced. I just can’t believe that’s completely disconnected from her feelings about your fiancé. Maybe I’m 100% wrong, though.

As for giving your sister $5K and you $2.5K, there’s no difference at all in the weddings except that they don’t like your fiancé? They’re both traditional first weddings, at home in the UK? I am not judging if it is not any of those three things: first marriage, traditional wedding, or in the UK - all totally fine. But if your parents already judge you, then I assume they would judge any differences between your wedding and your sister’s wedding. If they’re completely identical, then yes, it’s favoritism, but it sounds like you already know the lay of the land (your sister ignored you at her wedding, yet you asked her to be your MOH? You keep trying but they’re not) as far as that goes.

Don’t change this to please your family. You’ll regret it forever, every time you think back on your wedding.

I do want to be totally clear though, I’m not sure I’d speak to someone who called me a fat cunt ever again, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. Family does NOT get a free pass on being verbally abusive.

Your family members are being totally unreasonable. This is your special day and should be something you look back on fondly. I'd suggest having your wedding day without them there. For what it's worth, we were married on 21st December; it really was a spectacular day and we never picked up on anyone finding the date difficult. All guests accepted with many travelling from across the country. It was such a magical time: our wedding, Christmas, then a mini moon. I literally wouldn't have changed a thing. Yours could be amazing too. Christmas weddings are awesome.

@RightYesButNo they just don't like him (nothing sinister at all). He will stand up to them and call them out (respectfully) on things, whereas I have tended to keep the peace (historically).
They never thought my previous partner was good enough also, although once I'd split with him they thought the sun shone out of his arse.
There's no difference in the weddings, all similar. Only difference is my sister married on her DH's family farm (marque on field etc, it was lovely) but had to hire in caterers etc so probably nothing saved versus my church / hotel wedding. Step-father bragged the other day that she had a magician that cost £650 and that the only reason he knew the magician was that much was because he paid him (this was after I had mentioned getting one but discounted it on the reason of extra cost!)

Is your sister dad’s child? Is that why there is preferential treatment.

@Cloudyapples both from same father. Man in question is our step-father. Father is on scene but not much and is generally pretty useless

Well in that case, OP, it sounds like your partner has the right idea, actually. It’s time to stand up to them. No one has the right to say to you the vile things your sister has said, about you or your upcoming marriage. I wouldn’t even stay friends with someone who was wishing for my divorce, while I was wedding planning. You can’t change blood, but you surely don’t have to interact with her.

I think you maybe do things not to make yourself happy, but to try to buy peace. I can’t believe making your sister who treats you horribly your MOH would have made you happy, so did you really ask her just to keep the peace? Because that’s giving her so many opportunities to ruin your wedding (to ruin your hen do, trying on dresses, getting ready morning of wedding, speeches at wedding, even standing together while waiting to walk down the aisle - she could be a mean, cruel, po-faced bitch for ALL of that and you would have given her a golden ticket; please don’t do that, OP), when none of these nice actions on your part can force them to be nicer to you.

If your sister wants to say horrible things and your mum and stepfather want to play favorites, fine. Just fine. You have a fiancé who sounds like he is willing to support you 100%. So you’re getting married on Dec 21 with the wedding you want, end of. Your parents can be regular guests, your sister can stay home and throw some more eye of newt in her cauldron, and you can just go ahead with what YOU want.

hopingtobeamum
Thank you,it's inspired by favorite colour and my youngest daughters obsession!!
Im glad you spoke to them and called them out on what they said. I also work in retail so would struggle with the date but no chance i would have spoken to you like your sister did,I'm not surprised your not talking her.
I hope you still have an amazing day despite their behavior. Are you hoping for a white christmas????❄⛄

@Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav aww bless you, that's so sweet.

I do love the snow but don't want to jeopardise those that are travelling all this way to not be able to get here! Just spoke to DH2B (who works in London during the week) about what to do. He suggested donating the money to charity so that we don't directly benefit from the money as opposed to giving it back to them. We're thinking if we don't accept the money donating it to a worthwhile charity. I feel bad though that he is paying all this money for the wedding and he misses out on a honeymoon. I know he has his heart set on getting away, he's working his nuts off at the moment away all week so that doesn't seem fair on him

Thankyou everyone (and I mean that from the bottom of my heart) who has been so supportive on this thread and backing me up in that we're not vile or nasty people. Sometimes you need that positive reinforcement that you're doing the right thing. I'm not a birth mother, although I have two lovely DSD's who I love dearly and do as much for as I can.
Mumsnet is awesome, I love it on here. Why can't people just be nice (as in my family). I have done everything for them, why do people have to be so awful xx

Is there any way you can accept the 2.5k and put it in a savings account? That way you will have it to hand for when she demands it back, plus you'll have earned some interest. Win win, so to speak.

Please keep the cash and spend it on a lovely honeymoon! It can be compensation for the fact that you’ve got such a shitty family.

After the wedding I would really consider going low contact with them and focus on your lovely new family. Blood is not always thicker than water and you don’t have to have people in your life that hurt you.

The cash can only have strings attached if you let them hold it over you.

Don’t give the money away!

My DH has been great at teaching me not to be sentimental about money. That means that you don’t make emotional decisions about it. Now, you can make decisions that will affect you emotionally, i.e. make you happy, but you shouldn’t make decisions WITH your emotions, for example, giving someone’s money back to them because you’re angry or hurt. It’s money - it doesn’t care whose account it’s in! If someone gives you money and you can benefit from it, keep it. Who cares if they were petty about it or angry or... as long as you can benefit. It’s not worth cutting off your nose to spite your face, and that’s almost always what returning money to prove a point is. Even giving it to a charity sounds like it would be the same thing if you can’t afford a honeymoon otherwise and your fiancé wants one. He deserves one! You deserve one! Who cares where the money came from?

Use it for the honeymoon and focus on having a vacation that you can remember for the rest of your life. The greatest “revenge” will be that your mum and stepfather tried to be petty about the money, and instead, you will have had a wonderful, romantic time of your lives together! 😆

Cross-posted with @Postmanbear. Agree completely!

Don't give the money away, I have visions of your mum asking for it back.
Put it away and when she decides to try to hold it over you/ throw it back at you return it!
Get married without the lot of them selfish gits!

Spend the money on a honeymoon, it sounds as though your fiance could do with getting away and i think you both deserve an amazing time after the stress