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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

wedding - issues with date

158 replies

Hopingtobeamum · 03/09/2019 17:53

My DH2B are getting married on 21 Dec this year, we went out to everyone we knew we wanted there about a month ago and polled them to see whether that date would work (bearing in mind it's close to Xmas).
We have our heart set on this date having wanted a Xmas wedding, also timing wise it works really well for us due to work schedules and allowing us to get away for a honeymoon soon after. DH2B is a contractor so no work = no pay and he's scheduled to be off over Xmas as company closes down.
The majority of people who were on our 'must attend' list accepted, which we were really happy about, my DS accepted but now can't attend as she works in Retail and her boss won't permit the 1 day holiday required.
Fast foward 3 weeks and I've been called a "fat C7nt" and told to "F off" by DS. Also advised that BIL wont attend alone with my young niece (so she can be flower girl) as he doesn't want to travel all that way on his own with her (wedding is 5 hours drive from their house).

My parents are also joining in on the act and told me Father wont give me away and have cancelled an invite to stay with them later this month.
I'm being bullied into changing the date to a date that suits them and have had all manner of text abuse from them (DS, Mum + Stepdad). It's made me feel awful and has put a dampner on the whole thing.
My sister was married 3 years ago, I wasn't included in any of the wedding, aside from being a guest, sister ignored me at her hen do and wedding (despite me flying 8 hours to get to both events) and didn't want me to be a bridesmaid (note I asked her to be my maid of honour).
AIBU? I'm trying to include my family but am just getting nasty messages.
I've now offered to use the money we were going to spend on honeymoon to put towards a small 2nd wedding so sister and her family can attend.
Feel like I'm trying to accommodate but getting little back

OP posts:
Sl33py · 03/09/2019 18:59

They might not be able to afford to go?
It’s a 5 hours drive, it could be in a different country? They need to pay for 2 night accommodation. Just before Christmas

Dustyroad63 · 03/09/2019 18:59

So you decided on a date and everyone could attend.
Then sister Says she couldn't get the time off? After she'd already agreed the date was ok.
Honestly fuck them if they are that nasty.
Why should you cater to people like this.
I'm so sorry for you but please don't let them treat you like this.
You are worth more OP

MachineBee · 03/09/2019 19:00

I think a wedding the weekend before Xmas is lovely. I love that period before and having a family gathering organised for me would be brilliant.

This year there’s still a bit of time after the weekend for last minute prep for Xmas day.

I’m a musician so have to be v organised and get all my pressies sorted by end of November. It’s quite liberating and means I can just concentrate on fun events through December.

And as for the distance that could be an issue for some people - fair enough - but that won’t change whatever date you pick.

IAmALazyArse · 03/09/2019 19:02

How nice of them! They are giving you a wonderful wedding present.
A proper reason to get rid 😁

It's YOUR wedding. They had theirs. Do what you want to do and stop begging them to come. And fgs do not even think about doing extra wedding just for them

Sorrysorrysosorry · 03/09/2019 19:05

It’s a time for family’s with small children to see Santa and do chirstmassy things.

To be fair they can do that EVERY year from mid November. A wedding is a one off. It isn’t selfish at all to want a particular wedding date, it’s selfish for people to think everything and everyone should revolve around their small world.

nrpmum · 03/09/2019 19:05

Get married without them. If they did go they'd be causing you immense stress.

Cryalot2 · 03/09/2019 19:06

Congratulations and enjoy your day.
You said that your mum, step dad and sis do not approve of your husband to be. I just wonder is that why they are behaving dreadfully?

Do your own thing and don't be bullied.

Takingshape12 · 03/09/2019 19:07

You have my sympathy with this. His is why I haven't planned my wedding yet and am dreading the whole process as it will be about pleasing others rather than us. And it's not as easy as saying "just dont invite her" if you dont want world war 3 to start. I dont have an answer I'm afraid. I'd change it personally to keep the peace but I know that its wrong to let myself be bullied but it's beenthat way for 40 years so I dont know any different

jay55 · 03/09/2019 19:07

Honestly sounds like your wedding will be a lot less stressful without them there, without having to pander to them. No doubt if they get their way on the date the next level of demands would begin.

WillowPeach · 03/09/2019 19:09

Have your Christmas wedding, elope and have a magical time. Book a few days in a log cabin for over Christmas and snuggle up in front of the fire with your new husband.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 03/09/2019 19:10

Your wedding sounds lovely and your family sound nasty. Your parents have probably now changed their minds as sister has gone whining to them. Yet she couldn't be bothered with you at her wedding!

Sounds like she's the golden child! Keep the date, bin them off, either your parents will show up after all once you don't back down or they won't and might regret it but they made their choice. And keep the money for your honeymoon!

Merryoldgoat · 03/09/2019 19:12

Three things:

  1. That date is really inconsiderate - it’s too close to Christmas and a very long distance so that’s 3 days out for the wedding on an extremely busy week.
  1. Your family sound really unpleasant and is not want them there.
  1. Why are you trying to accommodate people who are so unpleasant?

I’m curious as well about you fiancé - why don’t they like him? It’s a pretty extreme reaction.

WillowPeach · 03/09/2019 19:18

@SI33PY

Bull. The OP didn’t ask for your opinion about her date, was that not clear in the initial thread post? So why are you forcing it down her neck? Her family have been vile, by the sounds of it they’d of been vile whatever date she picked. It’s a wedding, if the date doesn’t suit then don’t fucking go, it’s not hard to work that one out is it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 03/09/2019 19:21

Fuck them! Have the date you want! In your situation id be eloping somewhere for a beautiful intimate Christmas wedding.

You dont need people like that in your life.

SleepingIsOverrated · 03/09/2019 19:24

Sounds like you'd have a much better time without them there OP.... see them not wanting to attend in that fate a blessing in disguise and enjoy your Christmassy wedding!!

Paintedmaypole · 03/09/2019 19:36

Your family have handled this abominally but you were very inconsiderate with your choice of date. For anyone with a primary school aged child the run up to Christmas is a hectic and expensive time.

Hopingtobeamum · 03/09/2019 19:44

@SI33py

I absolutely get your points so to add I’d offered to pay accommodation and to pay for transport for Dsis and family and parents so they reduced any extra expense incurred.
I feel I’m bending over backwards with solutions but there seems to be a new problem every time

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/09/2019 19:45

I would just elope tbh and go on a fabulous holiday afterwards!

Hopingtobeamum · 03/09/2019 19:48

@Paintedmaypole my niece is coming up for two years and isn’t at school yet. Should have clarified that but thought my original post was long enough

OP posts:
averythinline · 03/09/2019 19:50

Stop bending over backwards.... they dont want to come....or they want you to beg/being upset - so why would you want them there?

enjoy your day with people who want to be with you.....

although if they dont like your DP/DH because he is abusive then maybe they have their reasons...... either way your an adult and can make your own choices....

Urskeks · 03/09/2019 19:51

Please don't spend your honeymoon money on trying to please people who it sounds won't be pleased easily anyway.

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2019 19:52

Why were you even asking what everyone thought? If you want that date then just invite people for then.

Hopingtobeamum · 03/09/2019 19:52

We would have got married abroad but DH2B has two children aged 10 and 12 and didn’t want to disrupt their Christmas with their Mum and also wanted to ensure it was as affordable as possible to as many as possible.
We’ve stretched the budget drink wise so people won’t have to pay for more than a few drinks they want past late in the evening. We did this knowing full well Xmas is an expensive time so want to keep people’s costs down as much as possible.
We’re getting married close to our home which is where the majority of guests live.

OP posts:
Lamentations · 03/09/2019 19:52

It's sounds like a bonus that she can't come. 21st it is!

Urskeks · 03/09/2019 19:54

Use the money to travel to somewhere like Norway, get married at Xmas, in the snow, and honeymoon there. Then you can have a party at home afterwards sometime.