wedding - issues with date

[Hopingtobeamum]

My DH2B are getting married on 21 Dec this year, we went out to everyone we knew we wanted there about a month ago and polled them to see whether that date would work (bearing in mind it's close to Xmas).
We have our heart set on this date having wanted a Xmas wedding, also timing wise it works really well for us due to work schedules and allowing us to get away for a honeymoon soon after. DH2B is a contractor so no work = no pay and he's scheduled to be off over Xmas as company closes down.
The majority of people who were on our 'must attend' list accepted, which we were really happy about, my DS accepted but now can't attend as she works in Retail and her boss won't permit the 1 day holiday required.
Fast foward 3 weeks and I've been called a "fat C7nt" and told to "F off" by DS. Also advised that BIL wont attend alone with my young niece (so she can be flower girl) as he doesn't want to travel all that way on his own with her (wedding is 5 hours drive from their house).

My parents are also joining in on the act and told me Father wont give me away and have cancelled an invite to stay with them later this month.
I'm being bullied into changing the date to a date that suits them and have had all manner of text abuse from them (DS, Mum + Stepdad). It's made me feel awful and has put a dampner on the whole thing.
My sister was married 3 years ago, I wasn't included in any of the wedding, aside from being a guest, sister ignored me at her hen do and wedding (despite me flying 8 hours to get to both events) and didn't want me to be a bridesmaid (note I asked her to be my maid of honour).
AIBU? I'm trying to include my family but am just getting nasty messages.
I've now offered to use the money we were going to spend on honeymoon to put towards a small 2nd wedding so sister and her family can attend.
Feel like I'm trying to accommodate but getting little back

I would probably loose my rag and give it them back and tell them exactly why and what I thought of them. I'm not well known for my diplomatic skills though....

@witchdancer lol....I did think of this myself tbh and very nearly did that.

Don’t even think of a second wedding for anyone who treats you this way.
I have a little sympathy generally as it s not close to Christmas but 3 days before ! Lots of those working won’t be able to sort leave until closer to so I kind of understand some hoped for leave just not being possible.
Absolutely no excuse for any nastiness !
Have fun and congrats.

Given they are fuckers I wouldn't have accepted it in the first place as of course it was going to come with strings attached, probably years of guilt/expectations ahead from them etc. Already your mother is using it against you as you didn't change the date to accommodate everyone. I'd give it back and say that you are happy to manage your wedding without their financial assistance. Don't be beholden to them at all, ever!

@heronlanyon thankyou.
We didn't go for the 2nd wedding in the end but they're still trying to find a way of fucking things up.

@drum2018 I'm very tempted to give it back....am going to think about it

Give the money back. You should not be compromised like this.

They are behaving appallingly towards you, and are definitely favouring your sister if everything you say is true.

I know it is easy to say on here, but I would seriously consider going very low contact with them after their initial outburst. You sister definitely wouldn't be invited.

Return the money that has been smugly given , and forget the lot of them. Family are only people - they don't get a free pass to be twats because you are blood related.

I would definitely give the money back and tell them why. I would hate to feel indebted to such people.

i would take the money, as compensation for them being dicks, smile through the wedding, be glad your DS isnt there and then go low contact afterwards.

my DM did something similar for our weddings. my sister is much older than me and DM paid for a certain part of the wedding that came to 10k. I know it came to this as I went with DS to pay the balance. When it was my wedding, 10 years later, this part was already paid (mine was a package wedding). DM gave me £5k cash. No reason, financial postition was actually stronger by the time it was my wedding (no DC living at home, promotions at work, mortgage paid off etc). I never said a word and was grateful for the 5k but it has niggled me to this day and, as a result, I am extra careful how I treat my children (to the point of writing down in a book whenever I treat them to large items or I pay for holidays with their families etc). I always make sure the others get the same spent.

You must have realised when you even considered a Christmas wedding that anyone working in retail wouldn’t be able to get time off.
That aside, your family sound vile and (hoping that your DH2b is a good egg) you are better off without them.

Keep the money. I have adult children and no way would I give one double the amount for their wedding.

Give the money back and tell them why.

The money comes with strings and they will guilt you for years.

Well done for remaining polite and showing some grace. I'm not sure I would have shown such poise.

OP your story is so triggering for me. Your mum shows some first class narcissistic traits. I recommend to visit the following websites:

Out of the FOG has a lot of information about personality disorders and how they affect the family (including narcissm).
outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd

The following blog might also helpfull:
blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2018/09/narcissistic-mothers/

Last but not least, you might like to join the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists
Only lurking is fine as well. You'll be amaised, how many similar stories there are: You'll realise that no partner of yours would ever be good enough, because it takes away controll. That is something narcissists can not tolerate. She is setting you (scapegoat) and your sister (golden child) up against each other with her preferential treatment. And she is using finacial controll (less money than promised and less than your sister got in anyway) as powerplay to get you back in line.

Congratulations to your upcoming wedding 💐. Don't let enyone ruing your special day!

Given that your parents had already caused trouble you were a little bit naive to think that accepting their money would be problem free. Tbh, I’d give it back as in their eyes it makes you beholden to them in some way. I feel quite sad for you actually in that they’re being so awful to you and yet to seem to still be trying to accommodate them in some way. And I bet this is far from the first time they’ve treated you badly, especially in comparison to your sister. And as for her, after the fat cunt comment I wouldn’t be acknowledging she even existed ever again. Have the wedding you want and ignore them all.

Perhaps you should have given more notice but they sound awful and I don’t think they will make your day about you as it should be but they sound like they may try and make it about them. Do you really want a relationship with them?

Sadly everything I've said it true.

I don't have an issue with some people not being able to attend. I gave everyone notice in early Aug but fully appreciate it's a difficult time of year for some people to be able to attend.

I do have an issue with my parents but not to the extent where I now tollerate their bullshit.
Some good points raised, thankyou all for your comments and especially @Paihia2019 for the web links, I'll take a look through those

@AlexaAmbidextra I haven't spoken to my sister since fatcuntgate (as it's now referred to as!)

Not sure if I mentioned that she also said about not attending in a message to me "don't worry, I'll come to the divorce party lol". Charming individual. Clearly I have no plans to get divorced but honestly, where do these people get off?!

Please don’t use the honeymoon money on a second wedding. They will probably find an excuse not to attend that either and then you won’t have a honeymoon.

@LucyAutumn thankyou....not sure how long I will remain this composed but I thought I'd try a different tactic with them this time

@FlamingoQueen I'm definitely not using the honeymoon money on a second wedding, it's (hopefully) going towards our honeymoon

What made them change their minds about attending and how's things with your sister?

Whatever you decide about the money gift (personally I'd give it back because it's sure to come with strings attached) I wish you a long and happy marriage Hoping.
And I'll raise a glass to you on the 21st December which will be my 48th wedding anniversary - so welcome to my club !

My son is getting married on the same day as you. It's not the most convenient date tbh, but it's what they want and it's their wedding.

We have had all sorts of 'discussions' as to who is to be invited/not invited. However, it's their final decision and I wouldn't dream of interfering.

The date does mean that some family members have had to decline, but they knew that might happen when they chose the date.

We have given them money toward the wedding and have made sure we have the same amount to give to our two daughters when they get married.

I think that causing a scene, being manipulative or just difficult, would be the quickest way to fall out with my son and dil.

I would say to have the wedding you want, enjoy the day and ignore all the background rubbish.

Please please dont spend your honeymoon fund on a 2nd ceremony or 'do' for these utterly nasty and selfish sounding people!

I have two DDs and if I give them any money towards weddings then it will be equal amounts. No way would I differentiate.

I get that you wanted a Christmas wedding, but if you truly wanted your DS there (before her outburst) then it was crazy to book a date a few days before Christmas knowing she worked in retail.

Based on their previous behaviour, I personally would not have booked a honeymoon on the £4K budget until I had the money in my account, so I hope you can still afford what you booked without the full amount. Can you still go ahead with the honeymoon if you do decide to give the money back?

it all sounds very stressful OP. I hope when your day arrives it goes well for you and your family don't completely fuck it up.