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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding - issues with date

158 replies

Hopingtobeamum · 03/09/2019 17:53

My DH2B are getting married on 21 Dec this year, we went out to everyone we knew we wanted there about a month ago and polled them to see whether that date would work (bearing in mind it's close to Xmas).
We have our heart set on this date having wanted a Xmas wedding, also timing wise it works really well for us due to work schedules and allowing us to get away for a honeymoon soon after. DH2B is a contractor so no work = no pay and he's scheduled to be off over Xmas as company closes down.
The majority of people who were on our 'must attend' list accepted, which we were really happy about, my DS accepted but now can't attend as she works in Retail and her boss won't permit the 1 day holiday required.
Fast foward 3 weeks and I've been called a "fat C7nt" and told to "F off" by DS. Also advised that BIL wont attend alone with my young niece (so she can be flower girl) as he doesn't want to travel all that way on his own with her (wedding is 5 hours drive from their house).

My parents are also joining in on the act and told me Father wont give me away and have cancelled an invite to stay with them later this month.
I'm being bullied into changing the date to a date that suits them and have had all manner of text abuse from them (DS, Mum + Stepdad). It's made me feel awful and has put a dampner on the whole thing.
My sister was married 3 years ago, I wasn't included in any of the wedding, aside from being a guest, sister ignored me at her hen do and wedding (despite me flying 8 hours to get to both events) and didn't want me to be a bridesmaid (note I asked her to be my maid of honour).
AIBU? I'm trying to include my family but am just getting nasty messages.
I've now offered to use the money we were going to spend on honeymoon to put towards a small 2nd wedding so sister and her family can attend.
Feel like I'm trying to accommodate but getting little back

OP posts:
Atalune · 03/09/2019 19:57

From your update about your fiancé I wonder if your family is en masses blocking your wedding.

You said “he’s got his faults” I mean it’s not a resounding endorsement of true love is it?

MrsCollinssettled · 03/09/2019 20:01

Stop trying to make it right for them. You won't be able to fix it unless you agree not to marry him. If you don't think their issues are valid just go ahead with your plans and make the most of them not being there to spoil it for you.

Original poster
Hopingtobeamum · 03/09/2019 20:02

@atalune I meant that phrase as in we all have our faults, and not everyone likes everyone else 100 percent. As in I have my faults too but I feel their reaction is unjustified.
My post was to see if I’m missing something blindingly obvious and now I don’t think I am.
Thanks everyone, and not just because people are agreeing with me but that you’ve given some useful feedback

OP posts:
Sl33py · 03/09/2019 20:03

Sounds like you’ve tried everything to get them there then I think you haven’t got any choice. Do what you want and make a new life for you and your husband. You can’t please everyone x

lily2403 · 03/09/2019 20:07

No way I would be bullied into changing my date

KronksSpinachPuffs · 03/09/2019 20:10

Ok so my first thought as I started reading was that it was maybe a bit strange that you were only asking in August for people to attend a wedding this December as it's not much notice especially is the wedding is 5 hours away.

However, saying that, I can't believe how rude your family are being! What is it about other peoples weddings that makes people so bloody rude and unreasonable!!?

Propertyofhood · 03/09/2019 20:12

Your sister called you a 'fat cunt' because she can't get time off for your wedding? Confused

Why the fuck would you use your honeymoon money for a second wedding to accommodate these people, are you nuts!

21st Dec isn't an ideal date for a wedding, especially if its a long journey. However, it's not 'inconsiderate' it's the date you want.

I would be like 'oh, that's a bit of a pain in the arse but on the other hand a Christmas wedding will be nice' book the hotel and be done with it. Wouldn't most people?

Original poster
Hopingtobeamum · 03/09/2019 20:18

FYI my grandmother on my biological dads side sadly passed away last xmas day so last xmas was a non event for us.
Dsis and mum and stepdad weren’t particularly close to her so it’s not that causing the issue.
I wanted to have the wedding around this time for many reasons, this being one.
My grandmothers family have no issue with this date

OP posts:
InterestingView · 03/09/2019 20:20

Honestly OP I'd even go as far to say go no contact with these people.

veeboo · 03/09/2019 20:34

OP you dont have issues with the date of your wedding. You have issues with your family. I am so sorry that you are being forced to confront them in the context of your wedding. In any other situation it would be a straight go no contact from me but I appreciate this isnt straight forward. I think ultimately you are going to have to make a decision soon about this and I would recommend you get some therapy to help you think it through. Rearranging your wedding might buy some time in the short term but in the long term may lead to resentment and just prolong the poor behaviour from your family. The stately homes threads in here are really helpful to read.

FireBloodAndIce · 03/09/2019 21:08

Why bend over backwards for such shitty people?

What does your fiance say?

Have your wedding. Accept that they won't be there. Stop putting these people first, they obviously don't respect or value you, get into the habit of putting your family (you anc dh) first.

VictoriaBun · 04/09/2019 08:19

I'm a bit Confused as to why you felt the need to check with people on which day will suit them anyway.
It's your wedding day, if they want to attend they will adjust their plans to fit in , and, if they can't/won't they don't attend, simple as that.
I can't help but think there is a back story here, but that's your business.
Go ahead and enjoy your wedding .
I had significant family members not attend my wedding and it did upset me. I was very young (19) but even then I wasn't going to let them dictate my future.
Life went on , and it didn't stop me continuing to have a relationship with them .
You are an adult , and likewise them. Live your own lives.

BeanBag7 · 04/09/2019 08:31

I dont understand her logic at being pissed off with you because SHE can't have the day off work Confused
If anything, you should be upset either for accepting the invite before actually checking she was free!
I definitely wouldnt be changing the date because I wouldnt want them at my wedding at all. If someone called me a "fat cunt" because of a mistake they made, I wouldnt want them in my life.

Saddler · 04/09/2019 08:36

Wow that's mad, I'd stick with the date and leave it to them. Don't need that negativity.

EileenAlanna · 04/09/2019 08:47

Is your sister younger & your stepfather & mother's child? Is your actual father still alive & if so is there a reason why he wouldn't be giving you away? I got a faint impression that this could be a case of the child from the first marriage being regarded as a bit of a cuckoo in the nest, they all certainly seem to relish being on your case.
Whatever the family back story, enjoy your wedding & best wishes for a long & happy marriage Flowers

Hadalifeonce · 04/09/2019 09:03

Have the wedding you want, you will regret it if you don't; look at it as saving the shed load of money you were going to spend on their travel and accommodation.

KUGA · 04/09/2019 09:15

Its who attends that matter not who doesn't. Dont let miserable shit heads spoil your day.
I think they are being very selfish.
Whatever the turn out I hope you have a lovely and memorable day.
Congratulations in advance to you both.

RainbowJumpers · 04/09/2019 09:35

Why are you being so accommodating to people that are being really horrible to you?

If they weren’t your family would you be so ok about their behaviour?

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 04/09/2019 09:40

Your family are utterly vile and disgusting. I can’t believe anyone would act like this or speak to anyone like this! Please tell them where to go. Do NOT spend your honeymoon fund on a party for these abusive idiots.

NiceAnd · 04/09/2019 09:51

Your sister, mum and stepfather sound awful.

When you originally told your sister the date what did she actually say. Did she say it was definitely ok or that it should be ok. Did she have direct contact with you or has it come via your mum and step dad?
Might it be a case of a big misunderstanding?

TBH taking a three day weekend over the Saturday before Xmas is obviously not going to work. I suppose you sister thinks you don’t care if she is there or not hence her awful behaviour.

OtraCosaMariposa · 04/09/2019 10:03

Never any excuse for nastiness and abuse.

But come on, sister works in retail, it's the Saturday before Christmas and you're expecting her to travel 5 hours there and back?

nosalad · 04/09/2019 11:07

Anyone who swore at me, called me names, tried to manipulate me and ignored phone calls wouldn't even be in my life op, much less at my wedding.

Please don't spend your money trying to appease people who treat you with so little respect.

Confrontayshunme · 04/09/2019 11:56

My DH's cousin (not even super close) got married on the 22nd of December 5 hours away. It was a faff with traffic and spending close to Christmas, but it was what the couple wanted.

What you want is what matters.

LagunaBubbles · 04/09/2019 12:28

really don’t know what to do for the best

Stop bending over backwards to please other people would be a start.

Original poster
Hopingtobeamum · 16/10/2019 16:02

so, update on this if anyone's interested......Mother and Step-Dad are now coming to the wedding. Mother controls their finances and advised two weeks ago she was going to give me a £4k contribution towards the wedding, which I politely and gratefully accepted. So, in light of that we booked a honeymoon, using their contribution as a guide to how much we could spend on it.

Had an email from Step-Dad last night advising Mother has transferred £2.5k into my account and to use it as a gift, for wedding, honeymoon etc. No explanation as to why the amount had reduced from 4k to 2.5k (it should be noted that they gave my sister £5k when she was married three years ago). I didn't mention that as I'm not that fickle and what's the point anyway?

I queried the change in amount with Mother, and was quite apologetic about it, saying I didn't understand etc....turns out she's changed her mind and has decided that because not all her family can attend then she doesn't see why she should contribute towards the wedding. I didn't want another argument so just left it there, said thank you for her contribution and didn't give her any ammunition. I really cannot be arsed with them to be honest.

Inwards I'm absolutely livid, not because of the money but the principle. We're not rich but we are paying for most of the wedding ourselves anyway as we didn't expect anyone else to pay.

I'm livid because she has now created a 'two tier' relationship between my sister and I. I've always said to my mother and step-father that I'm aware they give my sister preferential treatment, of course they deny it.

Do you think giving one child 5k and another child 2.5k towards their wedding is 'giving one preferential treatment' over the other?

For those that have children, would you give different amounts to each child for their wedding?

Do you think it's acceptable that they've done this?

How would you proceed from here?

TIA x

OP posts: