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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone trusts their DH/DP any more?

139 replies

drspouse · 03/09/2019 15:42

"They all watch porn" "you're fooling yourself if you think they don't" "check his phone when he's asleep" "what, going out for a drink with a female colleague? in the gym? Must be cheating".

Does nobody actually, you know, trust your DH or DP these days?

Or has it always been like this and I'm in blissful ignorance?

I'm just not really sure why people marry/get together with their OH if they don't trust them to behave like an actual adult who knows how to tell the truth and not objectify women?

And yes, I've had my share of wastes of space (though more often been single instead) but I wouldn't be with someone I didn't trust.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 03/09/2019 15:44

I do. Never had a reason not too.
He trusts me because we respect each other.

Damntheman · 03/09/2019 15:44

Meh. I trust mine. I don't have a problem with porn or him having female friends in general though so maybe that's got something to do with it.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 03/09/2019 15:46

I trust mine, we respect each other - I think that helps

Titsywoo · 03/09/2019 15:48

Yep I do and as far as i can tell so do all my friends with all their partners. Lots of women on mumsnet seem to think all men are the devil but I guess it depends what experiences you've had!

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 15:50

I trust him, never check his phone etc but I'm also not an idiot and if I did have a gut feeling about something I wouldn't ignore it either, almost 20 years together and so far have never had that gut feeling thankfully.

You can't deny thought that sometimes people do trust their other halves completely and they go on to shock the hell out of them by having affairs or whatever so are those women morons for trusting theirOHs? Terrible judges of character? Or can people change from someone you know would never cheat to suddenly having a mid life crisis and changing personality over night etc etc....I don't think it's as simple as just trusting someone forever or not

nrpmum · 03/09/2019 15:52

Yes, I trust my husband, and he does me.

weewinnie · 03/09/2019 15:55

I trust mine. I think anyone can make a mistake but I know he would tell me about it straight alway

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/09/2019 15:57

I trust my dh, but I’m also aware and I have my eyes open. I trusted my first husband with blind abandonment and he cheated on my, I was completely blindsided. That won’t happen again (blindsided, anyone has the potential to cheat)

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/09/2019 15:59

I trust my fiance, he doesn't watch porn he has been firm in this and I believe him. I currently do not work due to health issues and his job is such he would not be able to and when he is home he is with me he is with me unless he does it in the middle of the night 😆. I trust him implicitly, he has done nothing that would give me any reason not to trust him. He is caring, loving, considerate, respectful, understanding, supportive, patient, funny, and kind. I love him and he loves me.

Idontwanttotalk · 03/09/2019 16:01

I trust mine.

Grumpos · 03/09/2019 16:01

Well the true question of “do you trust your partner” is only relevant when you’ve got absolutely no reason to be suspicious.

I trust my partner because fundementally he is a very good person at heart and I don’t believe he would go out of his way to hurt or disrespect someone he cared for.

However, if his behaviour changed, he became possessive over phones or laptops,
Changed his work or social routines etc then of course it would be only natural to have a moment of “what if”.

You can trust someone implicitly but that does not stop something happening does it. I am in my relationship NOW because I trust him but who says 10 years down the line there may not be moments where I doubt that trust. It doesn’t mean we are doomed and may as well not be together.

However if you are starting out with someone you couldn’t trust as far as you could throw them yes, I agree, there’s no hope for that relationship

joystir59 · 03/09/2019 16:02

I trust my OH but we are both women. Men? Good luck with that! Glad I'm not straight.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/09/2019 16:02

I trust my husband

I dont check his phone mails social media or anything that invades his privacy

He has friends and customers who are women who he will go out for meals with etc and I dont jump to conclusions when he mentions a woman or sees a woman.

He travels with work and I don't expect to speak to him every day

So I trust him...but this isn't the same as believing I have an 'affair proof' marriage. I've seen enough happy people have sex with, a fling with, an affair with, someone just because the opportunity was there and circumstances allowed it. You never know what's going to happen in the future, you never know someone 100% and can never predict their behaviour in all possible situations. I'd rather have a healthy dose of realism than be one of the people that has irrefutable evidence of cheating and is in complete denial.

envelopeofpubes · 03/09/2019 16:03

I suspect the majority of women dishing out that advice have learned it the hard way.

whattodowith · 03/09/2019 16:03

I trust mine because he’s never given me a reason not to.

Diagonalli · 03/09/2019 16:04

yes, completely & i'm not a trusting person

Idontwanttotalk · 03/09/2019 16:09

My DF never had an affair (my DM had several though) and my DB hasn't cheated on his wife. My uncle's wife cheated on him with a number of men throughout their marriage.

Women cheat too but it's always men who get the raw deal if they are the ones to.

lolawasashowgirl · 03/09/2019 16:10

Yes I do. There is whole spectrum of men and women out there from gems to absolutely appalling. I do think that Mumsnet can be an amazing support but I've also noticed how cynical some people can be. On the relationships board people are also really quick to recommend the nuclear option (LTB) rather than suggest that the couple seek outside help.

Chitarra · 03/09/2019 16:10

It depends what you mean by "trust" I suppose. I trust my DH in that I believe that he's an honest, decent guy who is faithful to me.

But that's not the same as saying I am absolutely 100% sure he would never, ever cheat on me. Realistically, there is a small chance that he might, and it's naive to think otherwise.

mbosnz · 03/09/2019 16:13

Yup, I do.

And I'm not the most trusting of people. I have had people ring me up to tell me how cynical I am. . .

He's far more trustworthy than I am.

Original poster
drspouse · 03/09/2019 16:14

I suspect the majority of women dishing out that advice have learned it the hard way.
In general, yes, but there are a lot of people (and they are men too) who could not contemplate that an adult could socialise with someone of the opposite sex without there being something going on.
Mind you, the women may have been working off advice from friends and family who've been burned and the men could be working off their own desires?

OP posts:
Yousicktwistedfruit · 03/09/2019 16:14

I trust mine I wouldn’t be marrying him or planning a family with him if I didn’t we have respect for each other and we tell each other everything. I’ve had my fair share of idiots who I didn’t trust as far as I could sneeze.

Lauren83 · 03/09/2019 16:16

I also trust mine 100%

PooWillyBumBum · 03/09/2019 16:17

I trust mine. He definitely watches porn though Grin

Thegracefuloctopus · 03/09/2019 16:18

I trust mine and he trusts me. Its a lovely attitude to have but I do agree with you, it seems everyone is cheating or being cheated on with their OH funding out these days.
I can honestly say, I don't know where me or Dh would find the time or energy to have an affair. All that lying must be exhausting!

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