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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone trusts their DH/DP any more?

139 replies

drspouse · 03/09/2019 15:42

"They all watch porn" "you're fooling yourself if you think they don't" "check his phone when he's asleep" "what, going out for a drink with a female colleague? in the gym? Must be cheating".

Does nobody actually, you know, trust your DH or DP these days?

Or has it always been like this and I'm in blissful ignorance?

I'm just not really sure why people marry/get together with their OH if they don't trust them to behave like an actual adult who knows how to tell the truth and not objectify women?

And yes, I've had my share of wastes of space (though more often been single instead) but I wouldn't be with someone I didn't trust.

OP posts:
purplereindeer · 03/09/2019 16:18

I trust mine. I don't check his phone or anything like that.

However, I'm also not an idiot and if his behaviour became suspicious, I'd be suspicious!

RushianDisney · 03/09/2019 16:18

I did trust my 'D'P, I'd known him since we were children. But after his DM passed away while I was pregnant he became a different person. He admitted to me that he took strippers back to a hotel 3 weeks after I'd had DD, but said that nothing happened. I tried to put it out of my mind at the time (which wasn't immediately after it happened but months later), but obviously 'something' happened. And now I look back at loads of times that I trusted him and shouldn't have done, claiming he was late back as he had to walk a female friend home who was drunk, she was all over him whenever we saw her so I have no doubt they were shagging while I was pregnant. He has been cheating since the beginning I think Sad He lies so easily and just doesn't seem to care at all, most aren't even convincing. But he knows we can't afford to split and I'm stuck. I will never involve myself with a man in more than a casual way ever again, too many that I know are scumbags behind the scenes.

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/09/2019 16:19

Totally Agree, they are some very hypocritical man haters on here, and its a shame as I see the forum as one of support but also off fairness. Two stories with the genders switched will either have the man accused of cheating or being a control freak.
Its annoying as these people do not have the OP best interests at heart.

kerryleigh · 03/09/2019 16:20

We've been together 27 years, he has female friends, I have male friends, we don't check phones, we trust and respect each other.
For the last few years, because of work , he's away a lot...and I mean far away Smile If I didn't trust him it wouldn't have worked at all

Chista · 03/09/2019 16:20

I trust my DH, we have immense respect for each other and talk through everything. We have each others passwords to everything but never felt the need to check each others stuff. That being said, if either had any inkling of something going wrong, we would talk to each other.

Original poster
drspouse · 03/09/2019 16:21

I can honestly say, I don't know where me or Dh would find the time or energy to have an affair.
Mine can barely stay awake to the 10 o clock news so I'm with you on this one! And we have two DCs, one with SEN, and we both work so...

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 16:21

My DF never had an affair (my DM had several though) and my DB hasn't cheated on his wife

With all due respect though, how do you know they didn't? Affairs by there nature are secrets (unless they get caught out)

I'm not saying they have done btw, I'm just saying, how could you possibly know for sure that they haven't?

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/09/2019 16:22

@envelopeofpubes

I suspect the majority of women dishing out that advice have learned it the hard way

Would you honestly be happy to say this if a man came out with rude / sexist remarks?

Pinkmonkeybird · 03/09/2019 16:23

If you asked me this question 2 years ago, I'd be like some of the above and saying I trusted him implicitly and that he wasn't the type to have an affair at all. Never on my radar.

Well he did! Together for nearly 10 years and I left him nearly a year ago after finding out he was having an affair with a very much younger woman. Everyone was shocked.

If I have another relationship I will/hope to trust again, however I'm under no illusions that all relationships are affair proof.

Kitty1184 · 03/09/2019 16:31

I trust him with my life. And he watches porn.

Skittlenommer · 03/09/2019 16:41

I trust my DH completely! I often can’t believe my luck as he’s absolutely awesome. Been married over two years and together 11 and he’s never let me down let alone given me a reason not to trust him!

BraveGoldie · 03/09/2019 16:42

@Pinkmonkeybird me too. I completely trusted,thought the relationship was strong AND thought he would never do it because he was a good person.

I am in a new relationship now. I am not paranoid, and am very 'liberal' in terms of allowing him female friends, porn, whatever..... but I would say that part of me is and will always be alert in a way I never was before - both aware of how basically decent men can stray and alert to what a truly healthy relationship looks like (rather than one that is comfy and positive but actually has cracks underneath)..... this alertness is not necessarily bad, but it is certainly less romantic and pleasant than the feeling I had before the experience of being betrayed.

I am definitely not a man hater though - am often the one on here trying to calm the LTB knee jerk reactions.......Smile

BeanBag7 · 03/09/2019 16:46

I absolutely trust my husband. He probably does watch porn occasionally, but that doesnt bother me that much. I've never felt the need to "check" his phone but easily could - use know each others passwords and use each others phones all the time e.g. to look something up if mine isn't nearby.

ThunderMum · 03/09/2019 16:50

I don’t trust my DH to load the dishwasher properly. But the other stuff... trust completely.

pointythings · 03/09/2019 16:51

I think that what you see on MN skews your perceptions. Women who post here have already got doubts about their relationship and have seen signs that all is not well. Women who are content won't post this stuff - they have nothing to worry about.

FWIW I trusted my H about everything - he watched porn, I knew, I didn't care. It was only when he became an alcoholic that I stopped trusting him - at that point the only thing I trusted him about was his ability to lie about his drinking. But by that time we were already heading for the rocks.

sheepysheep · 03/09/2019 16:51

We’ve been together 20 years and he is the only person I’ve ever trusted 100%. I know lots of people would roll their eyes and say I’m naive but I have no doubts whatsoever about his integrity.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 16:52

this alertness is not necessarily bad, but it is certainly less romantic and pleasant than the feeling I had before the experience of being betrayed.

It's just being real, our own judgements on someones character are limited, I think and I hope my DH would never cheat on me but I'm realistic enough to know that I can never 100% know that he wouldn't. And that's the same for everyone whether they can admit that or not. At the end of the day I think trusting is good and healthy but if someone gives you a reason to be a bit suspicious or if you have a gut feeling about something, you probably shouldn't ignore that either.

Itsjustmee · 03/09/2019 16:52

I trust my husband 100 percent until the day I don’t 😂
However we don’t have kids together and our respective kids are all 25 plus
So we aren’t staying together for the kids or money
We would both be financially fine if we split up
But I’m a realist and know personally of a lot of men cheating on their wives and partners
I don’t check his phone he may or may not watch porn but that’s down to him
I don’t feel that I have to police him or his phone

UnaCorda · 03/09/2019 16:55

I'm single at the moment, and have been for a while, but after the shower of mendacious, commitment-phobic shits I have been unfortunate enough to meet I expect it will take me quite a long time to trust anyone I should date in the future.

IfNot · 03/09/2019 16:56

I trust noone but myself. Seriously, my nature is about as open and trusting as a cold war spy! I do love the big lug. But if he crosses me he dies. He knows this.
Fear keeps us on the right track. Wink

QueenofmyPrinces · 03/09/2019 16:57

I absolutely trust my DH.

He goes the gym about 5-6 times a week and I still trust him Grin

Pinkmonkeybird · 03/09/2019 17:03

@BraveGoldie sorry it happened to you too! I totally understand what you mean about being alert. I'm not currently in a relationship as I don't want one yet. I'm still kind of healing after what happened last year. It's not that I still love or want my ex back - I positively don't and the OW is welcome to him. It's just that I still have phases of anger from time to time that he lied to me etc instead of being the honest person he professed to be.

I have a flirt from time to time with some men I know so, no man hating here either. I'm not ready to dip my toe into dating anyone else yet and a bit too busy to be considering it LOL.

Although I was cheated on, I would also say I'm not totally anti-affair because there are certain circumstances when I'd understand it happening. Two friends of mine got together after they realised they were in love with each other..both in pretty much dead marriages which they ended before going any further. They were honest with their respective spouses and told them they were in love with someone else. I know the wife of the my male friend was upset as they had been together for so long, but they had been floundering for a number of years and he'd tried to end it a few times. She was in denial their marriage was over. Rejection is hard, but I'd prefer someone be honest to me rather than lie and gaslight for a year like my ex did.

It really is an emotive subject and I envy people who are in rock solid relationships.

hammeringinmyhead · 03/09/2019 17:06

I trust mine. But if he started any suspicious behaviour I would be wary. I have a strong desire not to be taken for a mug! Some of the situations on here are so by the book (finding a secret phone with one number on it, open flirting on social media with exes, deleting all messages from female friends) that I think being told to ignore those because men and women can just be friends is a bit insulting. At the very least I would want to discuss with my partner whether he could see how these situations might look to me.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 03/09/2019 17:10

I trust mine 100%. We trust each other to do what we want (other than cheat obvs) - we've been on separate holidays, have our own hobbies, etc and I wouldn't have it any other way. Would rather trust and be betrayed than live a life of suspicion.

MitziK · 03/09/2019 17:10

I don't trust him to wash up properly (which is why after 2 years of rewashing cups, I'm going to be buying a replacement dishwasher as soon as we can afford it) and I don't trust him not to set the smoke alarm off when cooking roasties (which is why I sit with headphones in throughout his cooking Sunday Dinner), but other than that, yeah, I pretty much trust him.

If he was going to cheat, no amount of checking up on him would stop that. And he doesn't watch porn, even though I wouldn't be particularly bothered if he did.

If I wanted another pet to boss around, I'd get a bloody dog - he's a (supposedly) grown man - I can't be doing with the stress of trying to control a person. It's better to trust than go through the mental torture that would involve.

Fundamentally, I think he's a good person who can be a twat at times. I trust him to remain that until the point that he isn't - and then I'd know straight away.

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