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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone trusts their DH/DP any more?

139 replies

drspouse · 03/09/2019 15:42

"They all watch porn" "you're fooling yourself if you think they don't" "check his phone when he's asleep" "what, going out for a drink with a female colleague? in the gym? Must be cheating".

Does nobody actually, you know, trust your DH or DP these days?

Or has it always been like this and I'm in blissful ignorance?

I'm just not really sure why people marry/get together with their OH if they don't trust them to behave like an actual adult who knows how to tell the truth and not objectify women?

And yes, I've had my share of wastes of space (though more often been single instead) but I wouldn't be with someone I didn't trust.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2019 17:12

Would rather trust and be betrayed than live a life of suspicion.

I agree trusting is good, healthy and makes for happy marriages........the point is though if they gave you a reason to be suspicious ignoring that would be a bit silly, don't you think?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/09/2019 17:12

I trust him implicitly. I'd hope he feels the same way. However, I wouldn't ever be one of those people who crow "my DH would never do that" because you just never know. You have to just hope for the best.

Drabarni · 03/09/2019 17:15

We trust each other as never had any reason not to.
Once you start checking stuff the relationship is over as the trust has gone.

Floralnomad · 03/09/2019 17:17

I trust mine , married 30 yrs and no reason not to . He doesn’t watch porn , he watches sad men building model trucks !

WombOfOnesOwn · 03/09/2019 17:21

No one actually trusted their spouses 100 years ago the way they are expected to now.

Imagine someone in 1919 who had a separate telephone from the rest of the household where they could take totally private calls. Who had a private mailbox they could access and no one else could see. Who went out visiting and chatting with friends and acquaintances unknown to their spouse and without talking to their spouse about the conversations or people. And who had a little private theater with thousands of pornographic films, where they just promised they didn't visit (and if they did, they only watched the less-repulsive ones, honest!).

No one would have trusted such a shady character! There'd have simply been too many opportunities to hide things and lie. The idea of totally private email, no one should even casually read the sender/subject line, is a whole new frontier of marital privacy. Of course couples weren't supposed to open one another's letters, but whoever opens the box will generally pick up anything that's been delivered (so you could see if the return address was something suspicious or unknown).

Same with telephones, and that was before they could be used to discreetly carry on entire affairs. Men with their own phone lines and secretaries to run interference for them weren't trustworthy, and everyone knew it. Maybe there were a few good ones out there, but a lot of the bad ones put on just as good a show as any of them.

We've given every man and woman in the developed world all the cheating tools at their disposal that we can intuitively understand would have tempted anyone but a saint 50 or 75 years ago, and would have earned rightful suspicion from any spouse who knew about the arrangements. Then we say that the problem is that people these days don't trust one another! The miracle is that we trust one another as much as we do; in the 1960s, people were hiring private investigators over less.

bloodywhitecat · 03/09/2019 17:21

I trust mine and he trusts me. I have no idea if he watches porn as I have never asked him.

Original poster
drspouse · 03/09/2019 17:26

He doesn’t watch porn , he watches sad men building model trucks !
I caught my DH watching competitive Lego...

OP posts:
splitthedifference · 03/09/2019 17:28

I trust my DH because he is too lazy and knackered to have an affair, and too clumsy and careless to watch porn without me noticing. He is like an open book, and there is nothing to read Grin

BlueJava · 03/09/2019 17:30

Yes I completely trust my DP. Don't forget that a lot of what you read on forums such as this is from people having problems. Rarely people post if they aren't having some sort of issue - so it skews perception.

Drabarni · 03/09/2019 17:31

A hundred years ago I think you'll find that women didn't find the need to trust their men.
Prostitutes, mistresses bearing children, pornography and Gentlemens clubs.
The women turned a blind eye, especially if the man was rich and provided.
You can't really compare with today.

dollydaydream114 · 03/09/2019 17:35

I trust mine. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t be together because he wouldn’t be right for me. I’ve never checked his phone or iPad and I never would, but he frequently asks me to look for stuff on his phone while he’s driving and offers to lend me his iPad all the time so he’s pretty open with him anyway.

I’m absolutely fine with him watching porn. He certainly did when we first met and I imagine he probably still does if I’m out or he’s away or whatever. But as I don’t mind (I also watch it sometimes) that isn’t a trust issue.

Generally speaking I’ve always been pretty aware of what boyfriends have been capable of. For example, I was well aware that my first two long-term partners would be capable of cheating. One of them did, one didn’t. My ex before DP was a monster in many ways (violent, abusive, controlling) but oddly would absolutely never have cheated on me in a million years. That was the one area in which he was actually trustworthy Hmm

Jayaywhynot · 03/09/2019 17:35

I trust me, no one else. I dont look in his phone, if he got up to something that's up to him, it would be a deal breaker and he knows it. Maybe tho, it's because I just dont really care enough anymore

CTRLALTDELETED · 03/09/2019 17:38

I don't trust him in the same way that I don't really trust anyone. I think any person has the potential to cheat, or otherwise emotionally hurt someone, in the right circumstances.

I believe my husband would be capable of an anonymous one night stand on a business trip as much as the next person. I just hope if that did ever happen I would never find out about it.

However, I do not believe my husband would look me in the eyes and outright lie to me. Nor do I believe that he has it in him to have a full blown affair behind my back. If that ever happened it would be so against his nature and everything I know about him as a person that I would suspect a personality-transforming brain injury.

But even with all that said... no, I will never trust any man 100%.

BetsyBigNose · 03/09/2019 17:40

Yep, 100 %

Mummadeeze · 03/09/2019 17:40

I think what people mean is that you can never 100% trust anyone or totally predict what they are going to do. I sadly think this is true. Life can be very surprising and people can and do let you down, whether they love you or not.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 03/09/2019 17:40

I trust my DH. He trusts me. Wouldn't have got married if we didn't.

We now have an open marriage which is very much about communication and trust so there's that.

He watches porn, as do I. Sometimes we gasp watch it together.

dudsville · 03/09/2019 17:42

I trust my OH. Both he and I show that we are trustworthy.

Samcro · 03/09/2019 17:43

I trust my dh 100% have no reason not too, we have been married for over 30, been through some very hard times, but always had eeach others backs

ThePolishWombat · 03/09/2019 17:43

I do.
DH has never given me a reason not to trust him.
I’ve never been snooping on his phone or anything like that - probably the most secretive thing he’s ever done with it is forget to close his porn tab and I’ve seen it when I’ve gone to google something! Which to be honest doesn’t really bother me.
He’s not a big drinker and doesn’t go out “with the lads” all that often, so when he does it’s not an issue.
As far as I’m aware he’s been to a strip club once on his 21st birthday and was utterly mortified by the experience!
All the usual things that come up on the “I don’t trust DH/DP” threads have never been an issue for us.

Bourbonbiccy · 03/09/2019 17:45

What a sad existence to be snooping on phones and checking up on eachother.

Yes, some men act like arseholes but that doesn't mean you should tar them all with the same brush. I understand a lot of women on here have been hurt, so are bitter and resentful, but that doesn't mean all men are like that.

A lot of threads have to be taken with a pinch of salt, due to the double standards of the advice.
I hit my husband, response "Does he treat you horrible", "it wasn't all your fault" it" "I don't think you are right for eachother" " maybe you should split"
My husband hit me, response " leave the bastard" "vile person" "bully" "scumbag" "abuser"

I trust my hubby 100%, until he does anything to change that, I will continue to. I value my time and sanity too much to be checking up on him

proseccoaficionado · 03/09/2019 17:46

I do. He never gave me a reason not to, and he's the kindest, most communicative and helpful DP.

WhyBirdStop · 03/09/2019 17:53

Only on MN are people as cynical. You know, if someone is going to cheat they will, v of they want to watch porn they will, no amount of snooping or control of their friendships will prevent it. Ironically of men were behaving how a lot of women day they do on here they'd be labelled controlling, jealous, paranoid etc. I trust my partner I have no reason not to, and if does something like cheats, if I know I would leave, and that's his loss. A lot of the lack of trust and monitoring comes down to a lack of self esteem I think.

WhoLetTheFrogsOut · 03/09/2019 17:55

Loads of women watch porn too. 🤷‍♀️

fotheringhay · 03/09/2019 17:56

So I'm one of those women who trusted and has been burned.

I'd say trust away by all means, but have enough resources in your own name that you could cope if it all went tits up.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 03/09/2019 18:18

I trust DH completely, and he completely trusts me. We’ve never given each other any reason not to trust each other.