To ask if anyone trusts their DH/DP any more?

[drspouse]

"They all watch porn" "you're fooling yourself if you think they don't" "check his phone when he's asleep" "what, going out for a drink with a female colleague? in the gym? Must be cheating".

Does nobody actually, you know, trust your DH or DP these days?

Or has it always been like this and I'm in blissful ignorance?

I'm just not really sure why people marry/get together with their OH if they don't trust them to behave like an actual adult who knows how to tell the truth and not objectify women?

And yes, I've had my share of wastes of space (though more often been single instead) but I wouldn't be with someone I didn't trust.

I trust my Dh.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I didn't trust.

@fandabbyfannyflutters yes i can understand that but i think its very controlling to dictate what your partner can and cant watch but every relationship is different.

Surely those of you saying “I trust my DH 100%” are just saying that because their DH hasn’t given them reason not to trust them.

Whereas the people who post here about not trusting their DH have been given reason not to trust.

It’s not about naivety or man-hating, it’s about whether the person you’re with is acting suspiciously or not. And your gut feeling is often right as you know that person best and can tell when something in their behaviour has changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it or explain it.

It’s good to trust while you no reason not to, but it’s not good advice to give someone who’s worried about their partner’s changed behaviour to tell them they are “paranoid” or “man hating”. These people usually have something to be worried about.

Trust my dh of 17 years 100% ................ until a stranger came to my door 5 weeks ago to tell me he was having ana affair.

I trust mine.

I don't care if he watches porn- I do too!

I've never checked his phone and if I did all I'd find would be boring tweets from the science people he follows and texts off his dad!

@thepeopleversuswork Those who have been cheated on say "I will never trust a man."

Not necessarily. I’ve been cheated on plenty in previous relationships but never once went into subsequent ones lacking in trust. Maybe I’m naive but I need a reason to lose my trust in someone.

I’ve been with my DH 10 years and despite knowing he watches porn (I have too) and has close female friends (most of whom I know and like) and spends significant time away from home I’ve never felt he would cheat. However, there are plenty of other things I don’t trust him with sadly. Not all trust is wrapped up in sexual fidelity.

I've worked as an escort in the past. 99% of men cannot be trusted. Ordinary "respectable" married men, men with girlfriends, partners visited me. There are good ones out there though. Few and far between in my experience. I've found one.

I trust him in so much as I trust any other human.

I give him the benefit of the doubt in the same way he does me but I'm ready for the day that that needs to change just as I am for the potential that he may one day hurt me in a different way (to the one this thread is about) because humans can't be trusted 100% even with the best of intentions humans are fallible.

I love him but it's a choice to be in a relationship I don't need him as harsh as that sounds and if one day I needed to be alone I will be because I would rather be alone than be in a relationship with someone who didn't respect our relationship or me.

We both trust and respect each other, he tried to feed the cat a sweet though, so he could secretly be a cat murderer.

I should add though that in the 17 years we have been together he has never not even once behaved in a way that would give me cause for concern so my stance isn't due to me being worried or reacting to anything he has done.

I just think it is healthy to not be so absorbed in someone else or have your life so attached to another person that you could not be ok on your own.

No one ever knows what will happen in the future and as an adult we all have to be responsible for our own lives.

That being said I hope we will be together until one of us pops our clogs in old age because I love him very much but if I had to I'd be fine on my own!

It's very easy to say you trust someone 100% but actually, what if you found a secret phone? Would you still feel you could trust him 100%? What if he started locking his phone and spending more time on it? Still 100%. What if he suddenly started going to the gym and dressing differently? No suspicions at all? What if he started spending nights away for work but hadn't needed to before, without changing his job? Two facebook accounts? Must be a rational explanation?
Trusting someone 100% would mean despite this kind of behaviour, you still would feel completely sure that he was innocent and telling you the truth. In my opinion you only trust someone until you have a reason to question their behaviour.

pussincahoots fandabbyfannyflutters sorry wasn't very clear.

I agree that phones etc make it much easier to cheat if you are so disposed. But I don't think that having a phone disposes someone to cheat if they don't want to.

A lot of this discussion depends on how you feel about porn: for me it would be disagreeable but not necessarily a dealbreaker unless it was happening with unpleasant subject material or in large quantities, but I totally understand why others would have a 0 tolerance policy.

But there are also a lot more grey areas with online: ie you can be messaging someone who is technically a "friend" and never totally clear when it has tipped over the line.

Ultimately though I just think trust is either there or its not: its all or nothing. Which is why once you start feeling you need to check someone's devices etc its basically game over, even if you don't find anything.

I trusted my ex of near on 20 years until he broke my heart. I left him.

I trust mine in as much as I would ever trust anyone as I know that even the kindest people can act in surprisingly hurtful ways.
I’m also not bothered if he watches porn though

I trust him implicitly. Don't check his phone and I couldn't care less if he watches porn or has female friends.

At the end of the day, I know he loves me and comes home to me. Obviously if something were to happen to make me think otherwise, then I would reevaluate, but he hasn't.

Plus he's far too lazy to seek out an affair. He's married to his garden!

I trust my DH implicitly, I know he wouldn’t risk what we have. He trusts me 100% too. I don’t care if he watches porn, that has nothing to do with cheating or trust, he doesn’t watch it while he’s with me but if he does when travelling, it’s none of my business how he passes his time (within reason )

MN is full of hypocritical bitter man haters, the double standards are staggering.

I trust mine.
It does amaze me the number of people who are married/In a relationship and have extra marital sex. Where do they get the energy from for a start?

Boozysuzy84 poor you, that’s dreadful. What a shock after being together for so long.

Were they telling the truth and what has he said about it?

I think you’re confusing two issues. I trust my DH entirely. That doesn’t mean I don’t think he ever watches porn - but I honestly don’t give two shits if he watches porn as I don’t have a problem with it at all. He knows I’m fine with it if he wants to watch porn. I don’t think trust and whether your husband watches porn are linked at all. I’d literally swear on my own lift that my DH would never, ever do anything to hurt me or my DC, he’d never cheat, he’ll always continue to be loyal and loving like he is. He can watch porn if he wants. How are the two linked?!?! I also don’t know anyone IRL who cares whether their partner watches porn either! I think this is a weird MN thing m.

@Icantthinkofanynewnames The porn is a sub issue. Many posts say "you think your DH never watches porn but all men do so you are deceiving yourself and you can't trust him" which is just part of "you think your DH would never lie to you in any way including being unfaithful but you are fooling yourself".

Personally, I would have no respect for DH if he watched porn and I also have no respect for other men that watch porn (whether or not they tell their DPs about it) as they clearly don't respect women.

But if you are open about it then it's not actually a trust issue in the same way as openly commenting on the attractiveness of another woman isn't lying, but is disrespectful.

It's the same as "you may think your DH doesn't fiddle his expenses but I can assure you all men do" except that nobody says that on MN. It seems it's more acceptable - and accepted as more common - to watch porn than to fiddle your expenses.

Yes I trust him as he is loyal. He watches porn but it doesn't matter to me.
We both go out a lot with our mates and occasionally for a few days away. Never give it a moments thought. I'm not jealous or possesive and he makes me feel he is a confident man who knows what he wants - me!
I saw how he acted when someone tried to flirt with him early on in our relationship. That told me everything I needed to know.

How about some of the other women/ mistresses/ home wreckers stepping up here and waving hello

I’d be interested to know their perspective, how low 🗑 does your self esteem have to be to be one of those?

I trust mine and him me, he definitely watches porn, thats not an issue though. He has never given me reason not to and to be honest I think he would tell me if he had anything to tell. Hes honest to a fault sometimes. I'm not naive though and I know people can change. But yes, I trust because I've never had reason not to.

I don't think i have or will ever trust anyone 100% not too sure why. I'm not suspicious of my DH and don't check his phone etc. But I've always thought if a hot girl handed it to him in a plate, would he say no? Likely he would and it's my issue but 🤷🏻‍♀️

I trust my DP, he trusts me.

"They all watch porn": Maybe my DP does, maybe he doesn't. I doubt it but I don't know. He'd only have the chance to do so on days I'm not working from home, which is very rare.

"check his phone when he's asleep": My DP doesn't have a mobile phone.

"what, going out for a drink with a female colleague?": My DP is a massive anti-social bastard. He wouldn't go out with any colleagues for a drink. Plus, he works an hour away from home and trains stop early so it'd have to be a very early evening drink; hard to start an affair over a 3:30pm quick drink before one person races off for a 5pm train.

"in the gym? Must be cheating": My DP hasn't been near a gym in his life. He works out by closing all the curtains in our house and groaning his way through thousands of badly-executed arm curls.