What has she done?

[anothersecond]

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

OP you sound like a lovely person. The man is a vile and predatory shite and needs a serious warning off.

I'm supposed to be up early for work tomorrow but cannot sleep.
Dh has gone out for a walk to calm down. Neither of us have acknowledged the WhatsApp message which would be usual for us not to do so but I do not know how to answer it knowing what I know.
When I finish work tomorrow afternoon I'm going to speak to my step daughter. I need to know the details to know how to proceed. I rang her mum (alcoholic and sees her once a month or so) just to see if she'd noticed any differences but she's actually on holiday and didn't want to "chat."
Everything is unsized down and I feel absolutely torn. I actually really liked this man. He's been in our lives 10 years and has always been pleasant, kind and seemed to be a good father to his children. I feel absolutely disgusted by what has happened. Why do people do things to hurt each other?

So he's known your SDD since she was 10?!! Creepy bastard. I would want to know when this started OP because I'd bet my right arm is wasn't in the last 3 years, since she was "legal"

Scumbag, utter scumbag

Oh and have an extra "scumbag" for the mother as well.

Be prepared even if she opens up, she might not be able to give you answers, or not yet. You are doing amazing by keeping calm.

OP you are handling this very well. From your update I would want a LOT of detail from her about when this started, and how.

He's been in our lives 10 years**

😧 He's known her since she was 9!!? Ugh, that's awful. From what you've said too your step daughter seems like a very vulnerable young girl. I feel awful for her. And your poor niece of course. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice for you. I think it's a good thing though that you know now - I also think you need to make sure he knows that you know!

As awful a position you’ve been put in, I’m glad your DSD has you. She’s very lucky

Jeebus. I wonder if this was the reason she’s been cutting? I can’t believe how much worse this is becoming. @anothersecond please ask MNHQ to move your thread to the Relationships board. Report your thread and in the text box, ask to have it moved.

Try to get some sleep. You’ll need it in the morning.

Bless her. You just need to be there for her and she will see in her own time that she shouldnt be second best to any woman. Hope she will be okay.

I seem to be in the minority but does the wife not need to know what's been going on? It seems that everyone even before the pregnancy revelation says she shouldn't be told!

I would want to know, it will come out anyway and she will hate everyone for concealing it.

It's a dreadful situation!

totally agree with you @spanglydangly if I was the wife I would feel betrayed by my family if I found out they had colluded to 'protect' me from knowing about my husband's affair. I would want to know.

Phew @jobobpip08, thank you!

Oft that's alot. Feel for you OP and your dsd and his poor wife. So hard because your loyality lies with both your dsd and your niece (who is the complete innocent and the one in the dark). I do believe at 19 she is too young to see the bigger picture. Most of us can admit that our 19 year old self has/would have done things that would make us cringe in our 30s or 40s. Agree this man has taken advantage of her and there is an imbalance of power. He has watched her grow up. Ultimately they are both better off without him but there is going to be a lot of hurt for that to happen. And the damage done to your dsd and your nieces relationship is probably unrepairable. No advice as to what u should do....such a gray minefield.

My dh would break his legs, problem solved.

@Drabarni how? Wouldn't solve a single thing!

How long have they been in a sexual relationship? Has he been grooming her for years?

The only language these scumbags understand. My sons would be right behind him too.
Someone should definitely tell his wife so she can get away now.

I hope the cousin isn't procrastinating on MN tonight she might be in for a mighty shock if she opened this thread

@spanglydangly I think most posters believe the wife should be told but not this instant. The OP has only been dealing with this for about 12 hours and still doesn’t know the full extent of what happened. Her SD is still withholding information. The poor thing is probably embarrassed.

I’m extremely sorry for both women.

In the pregnant wife’s position, had my husband been involved in an affair i can’t say for sure whether I’d want to know, at least as long as I was in that condition. Were he having an affair with a member of my own family, especially one he’d known since she was 9, I’d certainly want to know. I would want to fuck him over in every way I possibly could. And not only on my own account, but hers too.

This ‘man’ is beyond despicable.

Yeah this screams grooming to me. If he's known her since she was 9 then how can he possibly have suddenly developed feelings for her?

WHO develops sexual feelings towards someone you've know since they were a young child, besides predators?

I hope you can sort this out OP. We had a similar ish situation with DH's much younger sister. There was a guy who was best friends with the older brother, friends with DH & the entire family. Watched the sister grow up from an early age. I noticed the odd comment when she was 17 but they didn't announce they were together until she was 18. First real boyfriend. IMO as an outsider I could see he groomed them all. 10 years later they are still together, but she still lives at home like a child, as does he, despite being in his late 30's & owning a property. Bizarre!

This man is disgusting.

If this was my step daughter I would of course be disappointed that she had got involved in this, but I'd defo be seeing her as a victim of this man esp. with self esteem issues and her inexperience.

What a creep he is!!!!

Can she not see the betrayal to her cousin? I know 19 is young but old enough to understand loyalty.

It really is a mess OP and I hope you can sort it out without your SD losing all her relationships with the extended family. Feel sorry for her cousin - what a horrible situation she'll be in when she finds out the truth of her husband's affair and who the other woman is.