What has she done?

[anothersecond]

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

@MrsPellegrinoPetrichor I didn't feel that at all, and still don't 18 years later. I felt a lot of guilt at the time, for hurting him, but just see it as 'one of those things' now.
I'm sure OPs SD will see sense with lots of support

I would be worried about how old she was when he started looking at her in a sexualised way. A decent man doesn't go from seeing somebody as "wife's cousin" to "shagging partner" suddenly overnight when they become adults. A normal guy of that age would not be interested in a 19 year old girl. It is creepy.

For that reason alone, his wife needs to know- they have children who will be that age someday, having friends around, and this guy has already shown his boundaries are low.

You sound like a wonderfully supportive step mum OP. I hope your meeting with DH goes well.

I have a dd the same age. I can’t imagine how I would feel.

You sound like you have a great relationship op.

OP I seem to be the only one on here to think this, but I wouldn't say anything to anyone yet. It's not your discussion to have. Not with the cousin's husband, not the cousin, and although you have to tell DH because she's his daughter and you probably couldn't live with yourself if you didn't, it's not something I'd even tell him if I felt I had a choice. She confided in you, and if you break that confidence she may never trust you again. And given the situation she's in, she will need you and to be able to trust you again before this is over. Don't risk alienating her from you.

She's 19, but if she's never had a boyfriend before, she's going to be very naïve. She sees her feelings as love because of how he treats her. It may not be the same for him. Try to get her to talk to you again. Find out how she sees the future. Above all, whatever happens, let her know you'll be there for her. You don't have to approve, but don't cut her off.

Tell the husband to finish now or you'll tell his wife, better still tell his wife and put her out of her misery.

She may be young and naive, but given she claims to be close to her cousin that's still a low blow.

He is the main culprit, but she will likely lose her close bond with her cousin. I mean, she's separated the two here to justify her behaviour, which does indicate that she understands her actions are wrong.

I think it goes without saying that none of us know your SD or her cousins husband or what they are really like- so all this potential grooming discussion, finger pointing at who’s to blame etc can only give the OP food for thought, as only she can attempt to work out what’s true in this situation.

What is definitely true is that unfortunately this is about to change everything. Even if you follow advice to have quiet word with this guy and hopefully he ends it, these things have a way of coming out eventually. Clearly your SD is being affected but think of her poor cousin. She has a right to know her husband is having an affair with a family member, and then only she can decide what to do with that info. Imagine this comes out later down the line, it will be just as painful if not more. I don’t see how things can remain the same I’m afraid now the truths out , regardless of if the affair stops.

If it were me, I’d tell him you’re telling his wife unless he does- and mean it. Yes it will be hard for all involved, and your SD will need to face the music but I don’t see any way round this I’m afraid.

She’s lucky to have you OP, well done for being so supportive

Even teenage girls in high school know it is wrong to play around with their best friends boyfriend for goodness sake.
And unless I have missed it there doesn't seem to be much remorse for what she is doing to her cousin expressed here.

So sorry to hear this OP, it sounds like he’s groomed your DSD. I think you are the doing the right thing involving your husband (I’m assuming it’s on his side of family?) it will have huge ramifications for the family if everyone finds out. All you can do is support your DSD and hope it doesn’t ruin her chances at uni as she’s got her whole
Life ahead of her, he is a creep who thinks it’s ok to have an affair with his wife’s barely legal cousin.

Of course there will be stolen kisses etc around the cousin. Don't be so naive! But aye I'm the horrible one for saying that. Never mind the two adults doing it eh. Only one of them is horrible.

The two of them are ripping the absolute pish right out of the poor cousin. It's disgusting behaviour. From them both.

This is all so horrible and gross. Your poor SD. When I was reading your post I also immediately thought, “This sounds nearly like incest”. @anothersecond you’re a bloody saint. I just hope your SD listens to reason and all the support you’re giving her.

Not only is there the possibility of grooming according to the power imbalance and sd's age when it began, but a cousin or their spouse with the power imbalance can, according to some people, be considered incest.

Might it be an idea OP for your dh to have a word with the husband.

Regarding uni, often people who start at home end up doing a flat/house share with friends from uni to be more independant, something that they haven't felt ready for at the beginning.

but a cousin or their spouse with the power imbalance can, according to some people, be considered incest.

In UK law, it is not illegal to have a sexual relationship with your first cousin therefore, it would not be incest to have a sexual relationship with your first cousin’s spouse. Power imbalance or not. What ‘some people’ may think has no relevance whatsoever.

She may be a victim of grooming OR as well be a typical self-centered teenager - i'm in love and fuck everybody else. Being in an illicit relationship also has its thrill. Anyway, blame game isn't going to resolve this mess.
The wife deserves to know what a POS she has married.

“This sounds nearly like incest”

It wouldn't even be incest if she was having the relationship with her cousin, never mind the husband.

19 year olds come in all varieties and stages of maturity. The OP says her SDD is inexperienced and has never had a boyfriend. That's what stands out to me, not her chronological age.

I'm going to raise a question that I've seen a couple of times on the thread.
The SD - is she pregnant?
It might be worth checking with the SD what sort of contraception she is using. If she's swept away on the wings of first love, she might see it as the obvious next step to have a child with the man she loves.

Jocasta I hope the 19yo is not that stupid as to intentionally conceive, but things can happen if she's sloppy with contraception

The husband is the one more in the wrong considering he's the one that's married and has kids.
Sounds like he's trying to have the best of both worlds and she's being used in this.

Don't get me wrong- what she has done is very wrong!!
I would tell the cousin or give your SD time to tell her herself.
If i were the cousin I know I would want to know!!

19 year olds come in all varieties and stages of maturity. The OP says her SDD is inexperienced and has never had a boyfriend. That's what stands out to me, not her chronological age.

Exactly, it's harder to believe that she's some sort of femme fatale who mercilessly pursued the poor helpless 36 year old when you hear this information

Exactly, it's harder to believe that she's some sort of femme fatale who mercilessly pursued the poor helpless 36 year old when you hear this information

100%!

I could of been your SD, mine was a friend of my dad. I called them auntie and uncle though they weren’t. Luckily my SIL spotted the signs, he was grooming me with words from the age of 14 (probably younger but I hadn’t noticed), I too never had a boyfriend but thats because emotionally I already had. He was waiting for my 16th birthday to move to the intimate part of a relationship. My brothers warned him away and it took me another two years to realise I had been used. I did not know that my brothers had got involved until years later, I thought he no longer wanted me. To this day they will not discuss how they warned him.

@Propertyfaux that’s awful. You were so lucky that your family members were watching out for you and not shaming you. It sounds like you dodged a serious bullet.

Of course there will be stolen kisses etc around the cousin. Don't be so naive! But aye I'm the horrible one for saying that. Never mind the two adults doing it eh. Only one of them is horrible.

I’m not saying there won’t have been kisses ffs, “stolen” or otherwise.

What I’m saying is that the way you worked it up into a little fantasy scenario with the OP’s SD as a naughty, knowing kiss-stealer says a lot about you. It’s like something from a sleazy 1970s tabloid.