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Original poster

What has she done?

252 replies

anothersecond · 03/09/2019 07:45

NC as definitely do not want to be outed on this.
I've just got out of my step daughter why she has been behaving so differently (grumpy, argumentative, sometimes really happy but often keeping to herself) she's having an affair and it's with her cousins husband.
She's been out a lot the last couple of months. Not too unusual, she's 19 and lives with us still.
Yesterday, she came home in tears and after various attempts to get her to talk, yesterday I managed to get her sat down and find out what was bothering her.
My step daughter is really close to her cousin so this has come as a huge shock. Her husband is 36 and they have 2 young children together.
My step daughter says they love each other- give me strength.
How do I get my step daughter to see the bigger picture here?
She was upset last night because they had an argument.
She is such a lovely girl. How do I get her to value her worth? Lying and cheating never work out well.

OP posts:
Original poster
anothersecond · 03/09/2019 18:31

Thank you all so much, for advice and different perspectives.

My step daughter made a dreadful mistake but she is a lovely girl. Sometimes good people make the wrong choice. She has a history of self harming and low self esteem so I have to be careful how I approach this.

For the moment, she is staying at my mums. She is still weepy and sad and won't talk but dh and I now know some extra information to account for this. My niece, her cousin is pregnant with their 3rd. Had a lovely message on the family WhatsApp. My heart is breaking.

Dh and I have talked (he hit the roof. Took a lot not to get him to act on impulse) and we will talk again when he gets home to decide what to do next.

There's so much more to sort through, understand and fix.

OP posts:
9cats · 03/09/2019 18:34

So they fought because his wife is pregnant. I really feel for you and your SD. Hope all works out

Original poster
anothersecond · 03/09/2019 18:36

Yes @9cats sorry if I didn't make that clear.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 03/09/2019 18:39

So she's upset that he clearly lied to her and is still having sex with his wife when he probably told her he wasn't?

spanglydangly · 03/09/2019 18:41

Oh lord this man is fucking vile and predatory! I hope things settle down.

But I think you need to consider telling his wife, this will come out in the end.

lyralalala · 03/09/2019 18:48

She has a history of self harming and low self esteem so I have to be careful how I approach this.

She sounds very vulnerable with that combined with her inexperience. This man is a predator.

Please be very careful. And without wanting to be dramatic it might be an idea to find out if she’s sent him, or let him take, photos or videos of her before she decides what to do next. It’s so common now, but can be absolutely devastating in the wrong hands

Ginger1982 · 03/09/2019 18:52

Well that explains the upset. He probably told her before his wife wanted to announce it. What a dick. I would have your DH have a quiet word with him, leave him in no uncertain terms how you feel about this.

Cherrysoup · 03/09/2019 18:55

Will he listen to your dh if dh gets all angry dad? Is there a way of doing it without his wife finding out? Presumably the upset is that she’s pregnant and lover boy probably told your dsd that of course they weren’t having sex, yeah, right!

9cats · 03/09/2019 18:57

Please speak to SD and explain that mistakes cannot be undone but her cousin needs support through her pregnancy, not upset. Just in case SD decides to make an announcement in her grief

ScrimshawTheSecond · 03/09/2019 19:16

This is a man in his late thirties shagging a teenager that he has known for at least 5 years (assuming that there was a little time pre children and between two children). It’s not on to just brand her the issue - the dynamic between them prior to her being 19 needs to be looked at

Does the husband have daughters? If so then you may need to consider the implications.

Graphista · 03/09/2019 19:34

Honestly? In your position I'd be having serious words with him!

Cheating on his wife, potentially breaking up his kids home, preying on a young, inexperienced, vulnerable and naive woman!

Pretty sure a hefty dose of reality (and the threat of his wife finding out) will have him ending this nonsense sharpish!

Not so sure your dh going "quietly angry dad" on his arse would be such a bad thing actually!

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 03/09/2019 19:43

What a scum bag. And poor poor cousin too. Does SD have messages between them etc? He might start trying to deny it.

WizardOfAus · 03/09/2019 19:51

What a sad situation, OP. I think you and your DH should confront this guy together as a team.

Dutch1e · 03/09/2019 19:53

Took a lot not to get him to act on impulse

I understand why you convinced him to think it through. Still, it must have been sorely tempting to let him kick the bastard's door down and blow the lid off his creepy secret. It will have to happen at some point I suppose or SD will internalise the message that it's not really wrong (or at least that he has done nothing wrong).

Keep us updated if you will, you sound lovely, your SD is very lucky to have you on her team.

1CantPickAName · 03/09/2019 19:57

Well now that the cousin is pregnant maybe your dsd might end it. I’m sure he gave her the old lines “I’m only with her fir the kids and we never have sex anymore”

64sNewName · 03/09/2019 20:35

I’m so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this, it’s just grim.

Propertyfaux · 03/09/2019 21:00

When you meet a man in adult life they have to earn your trust but this man has bypassed that because he was the adult and the DSD was the child in her most informative years. Why would she not believe his shit he was meant to be a trusted family member. He was meant to be one of the good guys.

Tistheseason17 · 03/09/2019 21:02

Oh goodness - what a total mess. Knowing makes it even worse.

Gogreen · 03/09/2019 21:03

Husband...so his married....this is going to blow up!! Nothing you can do, tell her until your blue in the face but she won’t get it....she thinks they are in love....she will learn the lesson the hard way...like most have too.

Benes · 03/09/2019 21:16

Exactly what property said. The power imbalance here makes a difference. He didn't meet her when she was 19. He's known her as a child.

SanguinePenguin · 03/09/2019 21:21

Poor girl, she's been used and abused for her virginity.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/09/2019 21:23

I stand by my comments that she is a young and inexperienced 19 yr old and the man should know better and is fully in the wrong.

BUT

When young girls get crushes on older men they can be very single minded. Doesn't excuse him in the slightest but it might be a mistake to assume he made all the running. Just another perspective before the OP's husband goes crashing in as he quite justifiably feels like doing.

Propertyfaux · 03/09/2019 21:32

No there are no buts. If my seventeen year old DD brings home her secondary school teacher in five years time that’s fine. If she was to bring in home in the next eighteen months then I will be after his effing job, no matter how big the crush or chase because they have had a long standing adult/child relationship.

jellycatspyjamas · 03/09/2019 21:37

When young girls get crushes on older men they can be very single minded.

The whole point of having safe adults in your life is that they can cope with the single mindedness, set and keep boundaries and not take advantage.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/09/2019 21:40

The only 'but' I meant was the assumption that he was the one doing all the pursuing. In no way am I excusing the relationship, not on any level.

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