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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:
QuiteChic · 03/09/2019 10:37

*you are

duffyluth · 03/09/2019 10:39

Why do we assume that being gay is about sexuality?

You get a prize for that post.

Stupidest comment ever 🏆

yellowallpaper · 03/09/2019 10:39

I think 17 is such a difficult age, I think it's this that's preventing him talking honestly to you. In your position I'd want to reassure my son I'm happy with his choice and help with safe sex, but all you can do is wait until he is comfortable.

DS age 6 is very into rainbows, glittery toys, only plays with girls and likes pink, so I do wonder what the future will bring!

RosesAndRaindrops · 03/09/2019 10:42

Why do we assume that being gay is about sexuality?

Erm.......

mummmy2017 · 03/09/2019 10:43

Why not just tell him when he dates he is welcome to introduce a partner to you?
Tell him that your rules are?
Sleeping in different room, what ever....
He will know what you mean.

Vanhi · 03/09/2019 10:45

I never told my mum and dad that I was heterosexual.

It's very naive to assume these are equivalent. Much as it would be great to say it makes no difference, sadly it still does. Homosexuality in men * was illegal until 1967. Parity in age of consent was only achieved in the year 2000. So within the lifetimes of some people posting it has been illegal and within the lifetimes of the vast majority of us it's been treated differently. Just look at the reaction to gay footballers. I can remember what Justin Fashanu went through and it's little better now.

So yes, it's different. It shouldn't be but it is.

  • Not illegal to be lesbian, never has been in the UK, but that's a whole other topic,
Vanhi · 03/09/2019 10:47

By 17 isn't it a bit odd that there's been no girlf/boyf previously?

Oh Christ. Really? No. It isn't. But you can certainly be made to feel odd for just being shy and not ready yet and posts like that do it.

mummyjustknows · 03/09/2019 10:47

NC
My ds is 6 years and he is completely flamboyant. He loves sparkles , glitter, pink, his sisters clothes and he loves wiggling, dancing posing. He likes to wear his sisters outgrown clothes. He loves make up and lipstick and as a toddler he would stroke his sisters pink tights.
We do think he may be gay but it's too early to tell really.

janetheimpaler · 03/09/2019 10:55

duffyluth, not stupid, just maybe a little more subtle?

Isn't there a type of straight man who doesn't "get it" and that is a part of his being straight? Not just that he likes having sex with women, but, that he isn't as tuned in as most women and takes broader strokes at life, instead of noticing the subtext?

Maybe this is why more gay men are attuned to women, they are more sensitive and traditionally woman-like?

That's how sexually is about more than who you do it with.

AgentJohnson · 03/09/2019 10:58

By 17 isn't it a bit odd that there's been no girlf/boyf previously?

No it isn’t and it’s precisely this kind of bull crap that puts perfectly ‘normal’ young people under unnecessary pressure.

duffyluth · 03/09/2019 11:22

duffyluth, not stupid, just maybe a little more subtle?

Of course it's stupid. Being gay literally means being attracted to someone of the same sex. To suggest being gay isn't about sexuality is one of the stupidest things I have read on Mumsnet to date.

QuiteChic · 03/09/2019 12:11

But specifically in relation to toddlers (who have no sexual awareness) and mums knowing. Obviously once puberty sets in people are able to gauge their own sexual responses and hopefully with a caring non judgmental support system around them. But why, if we assume that ‘being gay’ is about the person and not their environment do you have to reduce everything to sex ?

Is that all there is to you ? You don’t feel you have an intellectual side that connects with people on a different level other than a sexual one ?

duffyluth · 03/09/2019 12:22

Oh ffs. You can't change the definition of gay.

RosesAndRaindrops · 03/09/2019 12:24

So maybe I'm having a thick moment, but are people actually seriously saying they can tell or "just know" that their toddler might be gay if they stroke pink tights or wiggle around and like glitter?!
Er..... just whaaaa lol
Toddlers be toddlers and do what the fuck they like, adults with these bonkers notions on the other hand.... just.... I need more caffeine lol

duffyluth · 03/09/2019 12:24

Oh and just to be clear, the comment was

Why do we assume that being gay is about sexuality?

All the 'what's ifs' and 'yeah, buts' don't really make a blind bit of difference. Being gay IS about sexuality. It's the definition.

duffyluth · 03/09/2019 12:24

@RosesAndRaindrops

I know right. I thought attitudes regarding boys and 'pink' were a thing of the past. I guess not.

lau888 · 03/09/2019 12:29

YABU; you already know, you've always known, it doesn't make a difference to your relationship, and people don't "announce" other sexual preferences. If you're seeking additional ways to demonstrate your affection for your child, I'd suggest getting his favourite meal for dinner. x

EllenRipley · 03/09/2019 12:43

Maybe he already knows that you know and that's why he hasn't felt the need to broach it?

joystir59 · 03/09/2019 12:43

Boys who favour dancing sparkle glitter and pink may just be boys who favour dancing glitter sparkles and pink.
Their way of expressing has no connection to their sexuality or their biological sex. They are not conforming to societal gender stereotypes, that is all.

QuiteChic · 03/09/2019 13:05

@joystir exactly.

BolloxtoGender · 03/09/2019 13:07

Exactly. Effeminate (as defined by culture and society) boys are still boys. There is nothing innately “female” about sparkly things.

I despair at the some of the muddled thinking 🤔 here.

Abstractedobstructed · 03/09/2019 13:15

What about those of us who are seeing some other quality in their young children? Like I have tried to describe? That isn't about seeing a boy who likes pink and jumping to "gay". It's my observation that he has never had on any level any interest in girls - and I don't mean sexually obviously. He doesn't hate girls. They are just...not there....for him. Hard to explain.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2019 13:17

It's my observation that he has never had on any level any interest in girls

I'm not sure how that's relevant really. Many boys and girls think the opposite sex are to be ignored. If that were an indicator, wouldn't straight children show no interest in the same sex? It doesn't make sense to me.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2019 13:20

Thinking about it, DS2's "girlfriend" for many years at primary school came out as gay at secondary school.

JamesBlonde1 · 03/09/2019 13:22

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