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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my son if he is gay?

440 replies

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 02:08

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

OP posts:

HeadintheiClouds · 03/09/2019 09:38

Gay is a way of being, part of your essence? Strange, I always thought sexuality was a fundamental part of it. Am I confused, or are you?

Abstractedobstructed · 03/09/2019 09:39

coffeeandchocolate
It really isn't about observing effeminate or stereotyped behaviours. In my DS he has never had those. It's about who and what he is interested in, talks about, it's really hard to explain but females just don't seem to interest him - to be part of his radar- in any way at all (despite sister) and that is what I noticed I suppose. It's really hard to explain. Ds isn't "girlie" at all and never liked girls' stuff. I still have a feeling he is gay. I may be wrong but I'd be more surprised if he brought a girl home than a boy.

MarshaBradyo · 03/09/2019 09:42

How did you know at age 2?

No don’t say anything. Let him tell you if he wants to in his own time.

Original poster

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 09:45

Some great advice here. Thank you.

Just to clear it up.. okay, I didn't 'know' he was gay aged 2.. but looking back it all made sense.

We are very open with each other and have and do talk about sex etc. No his sexuality is nothing to do with me.. I was just musing if it would be better for him if I said something or just waited until it progressed naturally.

Thanks again for the helpful posts.

OP posts:

NotWavingButMNing · 03/09/2019 09:51

OP you are getting some very unreasonable stick on here.
I totally get what you mean by saying you're okay with it.
MN is a bubble. I have two adult sons and always made a point of saying I would be perfectly happy if the were gay. Because you know what? Many, many parents are not ok with it.
DC have many friends who are gay. Some came out to their parents at school, others not until 18 or 19. One girl who lives with her parents came out to them at 21 is now having a very difficult time at home because of their reaction. One is 22 and has never openly acknowledged it even to her closest friends.

woodchuck99 · 03/09/2019 09:51

It really isn't about observing effeminate or stereotyped behaviours. In my DS he has never had those. It's about who and what he is interested in, talks about, it's really hard to explain but females just don't seem to interest him - to be part of his radar- in any way at all (despite sister) and that is what I noticed I suppose

That was the same with DD. It was nothing to do with masculine or feminine behaviour. I just noticed subtle signs including the fact that boys weren't on her radar.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/09/2019 09:54

Honestly? Wait for him to bring it up. Don't force it on him.

Whether he's gay, straight, bi or whatever, it's up to him to tell you. I would have been quite mortified if my Mum sat me down and quizzed me at that age. And probably quite furious too. Very intrusive. Just let him be.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 03/09/2019 09:59

Would echo many others...

Leave him to tell you in his own sweet time

Ds1 came out to me at 13, but i had always tried to remember to say boyfriend/girlfriend interchangeably

Though he didnt come out to siblings and other family and friends til he was 16, so i did get told a number of times that i was going to turn him gay if i kept talking about it, and that i was not to worry as he was probably just confused

It may be 2019 but some people as very stupid

starsinyourpies · 03/09/2019 09:59

Do you think he'd need to tell you if he was straight? Maybe he thinks because you are clearly not bigoted there is no need to say anything? As and when you meet a partner it will be clear enough.

from123toabc · 03/09/2019 09:59

I do totally understand what you mean by just knowing. I have a cousin that I just knew was Gay from maybe about 3/4 years old. He never actually has said to any of us "by the way I'm gay" he just introduced his first serious boyfriend to us when he was ready.

As others have said I wouldn't ask. I know you are trying to make him feel that you are totally comfortable with his homosexuality but there really is no need. I felt no need to come out as straight, there shouldn't be a need to come out as gay either

duffyluth · 03/09/2019 09:59

Laughing at the poster who called David Walliams '100% mincey But heterosexual'

Original poster

WWlOOlWW · 03/09/2019 10:01

I was never thinking about making it intrusive and questioning him!

Something more along the line of asking of he wanted to come to Pride etc. I'm confident that he knows I am absolutely fine with who ever he is (as are the rest of the family).

OP posts:

catlady3 · 03/09/2019 10:02

He'll tell you when / if he wants to tell you. IMO, not your place to ask. And it's not like it's critical information anyway. Just leave him be.

RosesAndRaindrops · 03/09/2019 10:06

Not quite the point of the thread, but I'm curious as to how the heck you would know if your child was gay from the age of two!
I just mean, how?! What characteristics do you mean "right, he's definitely gay!" as a toddler?!
Weird.
Anyways, if he is, I'm sure he'll tell you when (and if) he's ready.

woodchuck99 · 03/09/2019 10:13

OP your some may well be gay but he could be a bit David williams who is 100% mincey liked dresses a kid but is heterosexual ( as far as we know) sexuality is a spectrum, I’m gay but don’t “ look“ or “act”. Gay

I thought he was bisexual.

Hobbesmanc · 03/09/2019 10:18

Awww there's some bloody harsh posters on here. A few years ago it would have been "I think my son is gay and I'm so upset...."

She sounds like a really supportive mum and surely parents are invested and interested in their kids sexuality. Its not about being judgmental or intrusive. Its just about loving your kids. And regardless of how much progression we have made as a society- trust me I'm gay and in my forties- its a whole new world now- young LGBT people are still victims of homophobia and violence, still more prone to substance abuse, still more vulnerable in housing and the workforce and mental health treatment.

I also thinks its important that he owns his own coming out story- or doesn't ever come out. So just keep encouraging him to open and share but don't assume and pressure him. Big hugs OP.

QuiteChic · 03/09/2019 10:19

Why do we assume that being gay is about sexuality? If you’re gay surely that’s is you. Not a choice, it is just who you are. Therefore a mother could easily know their child from an early age is different to the other two year old children around her. She may not consciously know “my child is gay” but her instinct is aware.

RosesAndRaindrops · 03/09/2019 10:19

By 17 isn't it a bit odd that there's been no girlf/boyf previously?

RaspberryK why is that odd? I'm straight but didn't have a boyfriend until 18, nothing to do with being odd, or that I must be gay
Just that I was extremely shy!

NotTonightJosepheen · 03/09/2019 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redcupbluecup · 03/09/2019 10:21

There could be a few reasons why he hasn't said.

He isn't gay
He's still unsure
He is but doesn't know
He knows but isn't ready to admit to it
He knows but doesn't feel the need to bring it up

If he is gay remember this is about him not you. While its lovely you want to be supportive please don't forget that his feelings come before yours. Its irrelevant if you're close. Hes entitled to do things in his own time if at all.

NotTonightJosepheen · 03/09/2019 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 03/09/2019 10:22

By 17 isn't it a bit odd that there's been no girlf/boyf previously

No...its not odd...not at all...not in the slightest

MorganKitten · 03/09/2019 10:26

You don’t know, you think you do which isn’t the same. Let him come to you.

QueenofmyPrinces · 03/09/2019 10:26

Why do we assume that being gay is about sexuality?

Because being gay is about who you are sexually attracted to?

QuiteChic · 03/09/2019 10:36

Yes. Once your sexually aware. But up until then it’s just a part of you. I was musing the responses of those scoffing at a mother who knew her son was gay.

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