To ask my son if he is gay?

[WWlOOlWW]

Son is 17 and gay. He has never told me he is gay but I've known since he was 2 years old.

I've always done the whole 'I'm totally okay with the gay' thing.

Should I bring it up or wait until he tells me ?

I've reported a couple fo comments on this thread because there's such blinding homophobia it would be funny if it wasn't terrifying.

OP you cannot possibly know without question. And if you do, why on earth would you need to ask?

I've never asked my DC, I doubt I ever will. I hope they'll just come home and introduce me to people they like who treat them kindly. That's the full extent of my interest.

All this "I just know". No, you're just a presumptuous arsehole.

He doesn't hate girls. They are just...not there....for him. Hard to explain.

I very much doubt that's got much to do with his sexuality. It's a rather depressing thought that we only notice people as people if they're someone we might potentially want to have sex with. And think about that other gay stereotype - the idea that gay men just get on so much better with women than they do other men.

I suspect that what he's picking up on is the way girls and women are ignored and undervalued within society.

@WWlOOlWW TBH I would just not say anything to him.

He will tell you when he is ready. Or not........

My good friend has 3 kids (a son and 2 DDs, all born between 1987 and 1992,) and her younger DD never ever had a boyfriend and seemed to have no interest at all in them. She was still single by 25/26, and people did wonder why. (No-one's business I know!)

Anyway, she came home one day with Christina, and announced her as her girlfriend. Everyone knew on some level, and no-one cared. They just welcomed her into the family. 5 years later they have their own place, they are very much in love, and they have just got back from a 5 month trip round the world...

Maybe your son will be the same. Just turn up one day with his boyfriend - or maybe he isn't gay and it will be a girlfriend!

The kid is gay. I know this 100%.

I think it's very weird if a mum wouldn't know this.

There are a lot of things my mum 'just knew' about me 100% - she was invariably wrong.

Oh and quit with the patronizing, virtue-signally “I’m totally ok with the gay thing”. Really? What do you want - a parade? Surely, the default in 2019 is not to be a homophobe? It’s not about you and how cool you think you are...

Ironically, that is the most patronizing, virtue-signally thing I've read for a long while!!!

Vanhi
"I suspect that what he's picking up on is the way girls and women are ignored and undervalued within society."

Thank you for womansplaining my son, whom you have never met, to me.
He must be exceptionally perceptive as a) he has been this way since he was a toddler, and b) he is one of 3 boys and yet the only one I have taught to ignore women as they are not deserving of respect within our culture.

You don't get it, that's fine, you don't know my DS.

But please don't presume to tell me that my son is - and has been since he was 3- a misogynist or someone who thinks of women with disdain.

How can a two year old have a sexuality? I don’t understand.

Anyway, wait for him to tell you. He might not be gay, I’m not entirely sure why you have always been so convinced he is.

In my family, it was never discussed. We knew my niece was gay, she knew we knew and just introduced her GF to us as she would've introduced a BF. Maybe he feels the same?

I am shocked being gay isn’t discussed by so many families. Maybe it contributes to the high mental health issues amongst gay men.

It is nothing to be ashamed about or hid. Nobody saying anything just makes it bigger than it is. Surely it’s healthy to talk about relationships .

As I said my ds came out at 13. We’d always talked about partners male or female as who knows what any child will be sexuality wise. It was a non issue.

I really don’t think teens should be dealing with being gay alone, they are often isolated enough at school and in society.

Op if you are still around I really would have a chat.

I'm gay. I haven't come out to my family.

My mum is someone who's very good at understanding other people and their emotions. She often knows I'm upset before I do. She has, in some ways, understood me better than I've understood myself.
She's never thought I'm gay. I don't think the thought has crossed her mind. Throughout my life, she's often said sentences beginning with "when you have a husband..." etc., because she just expects that one day I will have a husband.
I guess the point is that no matter how well you know or understand your kid, you don't know his sexuality.

Maybe I'm just scared, but I don't really think I need to come to my family. I'm not sure there's anything to come out of. I've never stated that I'm straight. I've never mentioned a single guy that I'm into. One day when I'm in a relationship I'll say that I'm in a relationship with so-and-so, and then they'll probably have an "oh" moment, but unless it comes up before that I won't mention it. Why should I? Why should anyone have to come out as gay any more than people should come out as straight? People just shouldn't make assumptions.
Maybe your son feels the same as me, I don't know.

Nobody has to but I think it’s sad some families don’t discuss things like this. I think coming to terms with being gay can be a huge thing and many teenagers will need support. I’d never try and drag things out but I’d def start a conversation and make it clear you are there for support if needs be. My ds has had a shittime and felt quite low at times. Going by his LGBT support group and councillor this is very common. I’d hate any gay teen to think they had to hide their sexuality or deal with difficulties alone.

OneHamm3r I am shocked too. I'm very open with my teenage Son and I have always told him that he can talk to me about anything.

I wonder if the "It's none of your business' posters just haven't got that relationship with their Parents & Children.

I know of someone's Son who killed himself because he was gay and didn't think he could talk to anyone about it. His parents were obviously devastated that he couldn't talk to them.

Also, I know it makes some of you very angry but you can sometimes guess someone may be gay. A Friend at school and a Friend's Son both are gay and I just knew.

I don’t think the “it’s none of your business” is healthy or to be encouraged particularly with boys who often don’t talk and can be more isolated as a gay teen.

OP, sorry you are on the receiving end of so much unpleasantness.
Several members of my family are gay, none was a suprise when they came out.
Your son will tell you, when and if he is ready, it is good that you have paved the way with your positive and supportive comments,he is very lucky to have you as a Mum

It’s not that they can’t talk about being gay, it’s very low key here you can marry a man or woman.

It’s the asking that people are responding to, let him own his own story as a pp put it.

Also I’m wondering now whether coming out is a thing if the past. Why does it have to be announced. People can just be.

How does bringing it up in a round about way not let him own it?

In his own time.

Unfortunately being gay for many doesn’t involve just being. It often involves self loathing and bullying.

Yes but some of the answers were just downright nasty. You can disagree without being so twatty.

I can see why Starbubbles posts what she does.

It doesn’t mean the op can’t start a conversation with her son, ask if he’s ok and let it be clear she will be there if needs be. He can easily let it be clear he has nothing he wishes to discuss.

Suggesting somebody might be gay is hardly an insult.

No one is saying it is.

You love him either way .
So who gives a flying .

Gosh I think the OPs come in for a hard time here! Steady on..

For what it's worth, one of my best mates is gay. I 'knew' she was gay the day I met her (age 18 ish). I don't know how, but I did have that feeling that I just knew. Pretty sure her parents will have known too. Thing is, she didn't really know herself I think, and her sexuality was none of my business really anyway. We shared a flat for a few years. She had boyfriend's. She needed to explore her sexuality herself and it totally was not my place to say anything (and hell, I thought it's very likely I was wrong, I had no idea really I suppose - just a feeling).

She came out to me when she was 29.

I think I would have been a better friend to her if I'd been more open myself when we first met, and just let her know alot (as you have done), that being gay is fine etc... and shown her I was open and non judgemental etc... As it happens, because she was exploring things herself, and perhaps worried people could 'tell' she was gay, she occasionally came out with quite homophobic comments. Not feeling 100% secure in my own sexuality, and really valuing her friendship, I for some reason played along and never challenged her occasional homophobic views. I really regret that. I wish I'd shown her my true feelings all along - that being gay is fine and homophobia is totally unacceptable. I think she'd have felt more comfortable with her own sexual feelings if she'd known her friends would've supportive and we're non judgemental...

*Blue7 Tue 03-Sep-19 19:07:37

OneHamm3r I am shocked too. I'm very open with my teenage Son and I have always told him that he can talk to me about anything.

I wonder if the "It's none of your business' posters just haven't got that relationship with their Parents & Children.*

Or it might just be that they are astute enough to recognise that children- like adults- are all different, not least in what they want to discuss with others.

I have two adult children. One tells me everything, complete overshare (in a nice way), there is nothing hidden. The other needs to have his thoughts to himself and decide who he is going to discuss what with or if he wants to discuss it at all. Just different personalities. But insisting that dc2 had to have the same openness as dc1 or else his relationship to me wasn't as good would be very damaging. He needs to know that his mum is there for him on his terms. If I insisted he had to talk when I wanted, he wouldn't feel he could talk to me at all.

Besides, many people are bi, and might well hesitate to come out as gay if they think that means mum's going to have set ideas about their sex life for ever after.