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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children should get inheritance based on what they put 'in'?

129 replies

Sparklfairy · 02/09/2019 22:43

This is based on me but also my own parents too.

My mum made my life a misery in many ways. But i wouldn't see her out on the street. I paid her mortgage as and her bills when she couldn't to keep her house, without ccjs.

Herother two children left without a word or help, but I know they'll come crawling back when there's money in the picture.

One of my parents has done the same. Has no dependents and lives alone. But when his mum dies he will want his 'share'. His sister has had his mum love with his for 5+ years, dealt with all the shit that comes with dementia, refuse to put her in a her to protect his inheritance yet not help his mum in anyway.

The eye opener was when he was present during a conversation between me and his sister. His sister said she was tired because his mum has woken up screaming asking for X (long dead) and he paused and said...

Well let's talk about my holiday in Italy.

Yet he still expects am equal share. My aunt is dealing with everything. I don't think it's fair.

I'm dealing with everything with the future generation but my sister and brother are currently LC. It's been left to me. What do I do?

OP posts:
WhyBirdStop · 02/09/2019 22:49

You don't earn an inheritance, or isn't a right and people can do as they please with their money. Don't be a martyr and spend your life running around after people who treat you badly, regardless of their biology.

MaidenMotherCrone · 02/09/2019 22:51

You don't earn it fgs.

SleepyKat · 02/09/2019 22:52

And I’m sure a lot of people will feel the same and make their wills accordingly.

I’m NC with my mother (as are all siblings). I don’t expect nor do I want any inheritance. I won’t go to her funeral.

StillMe1 · 02/09/2019 22:55

I agree with you. It is so wrong that children (adults) absent themselves from looking after or even just helping a sibling with elderly parents and still expect inheritance when the old person dies. It is sheer greed.

frazzledasarock · 02/09/2019 22:56

I’m NC with my parents. Don’t give a rats arse if they choose to be buried with their wealth.

However you choose to martyr yourself by running around after your mother, and allow her to treat you badly. That’s your choice.

She might leave the lot to the nearest cats home. And that’s up to her too.

DungeonDweller · 02/09/2019 22:57

Op, this is meant kindly but I find the idea that you "earn" or are owed something for "putting in" abhorrent.

I've had first hand experience of the negative impact being a resentful, exhausted carer (not me I hasten to add), it's horrendous watching someone being run into the ground yet you want to add inheritance complications on top?!

No, I don't think people are owed something for being a carer. That's a free choice usually made without a clear guarantee of inheritance. It's up to us all to leave a will which ensures we leave our estate to whoever we want... And if, for you, that means who you think has earned it, that's ok.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 02/09/2019 22:58

Children should get what their parents want to give them, regardless of what they «put in». Who do you suggest should decide?

PinkiOcelot · 02/09/2019 22:58

The law doesn’t look at it like that. That’s not how it works.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 02/09/2019 22:58

Ok. I don't help my mum out in order to 'earn' my inheritance. I don't because it's the decent thing to do. My problem lies where my siblings dont do the decent thing and expect 1/3.

Aibu?

OP posts:
june2007 · 02/09/2019 22:59

It not up to you to deceide who gets what, and we don't know who has already bean given what. I am one of 5, between us we have 13 kids. Will my parents give all the children equal money? Will they give all grand children equal money? I don't know that's not my business.

AlexaShutUp · 02/09/2019 22:59

I don't agree at all.

My mum was one of three siblings. She did the bulk of the care for my grandfather because she was a SAHM and the other two were living and working abroad. He didn't leave much in any case, but I don't think she was any more deserving than her siblings.

In my case, I'm the one who does everything for my ageing parents because I live near them and DSis doesn't. I help them because I love them and because it's the right thing to do, not because I expect to get something in return. They have already done their bit for me when I was growing up.

You haven't earned the right to a greater share of the inheritance just because you choose to take care of your mother. If you want your money back, you need to make it clear that it's a loan and draw up some kind of contract.

DungeonDweller · 02/09/2019 23:01

Is it really the decent thing to do, in wider terms, for you to bail out a mother who made your life miserable? I'd argue that is for each individual to judge. I certainly don't think showing that dynamic to your own daughter is decent, it's awful. Why teach a lesson that says that someone treating your badly over a prolonged period is worthy of your time, energy, or money just because you are related by blood? Decent Vs idiotic and ultimately quite damaging.

lemonyellowtangerine · 02/09/2019 23:01

Wow, your mum has really fucked you up. How sad.

AlexaShutUp · 02/09/2019 23:02

And yes, yabu.

TheYeaSayer · 02/09/2019 23:02

YABU.
People can leave their money to whomever they please.
Your parents’ estate is not your “right” and is not awarded by desert.

Honeyroar · 02/09/2019 23:03

I agree with the irritation with siblings who don't lift a finger yet will expect an equal inheritance. I look after my parents when they need it. My mother has been in and out of hospital over the last few years, sometimes quite seriously. My brother hasn't visited once, yet I know he'll be here in a flash when they die.

1Morewineplease · 02/09/2019 23:05

Inheritance is not a right. Your mother would have made her will while she was compos mentis ( of sound mind.)
I fully appreciate that it may not sound fair but there’s little you can do other than to contest the will. However, that will cost you a tidy sum.

mindutopia · 02/09/2019 23:07

It’s up to the people leaving the inheritance what they choose to do. I grew up with very little. My mum happened to marry someone very wealthy. He doesn’t get along with his own dc and all the money will come to me when they die (more money than I could ever imagine making myself). I didn’t earn it. It’s awkward and it’s quite strange, but I guess I’m the only one who has stuck around. It’s none of my business really, but I respect their decision (and hope it’s not too much drama frankly).

AlexaShutUp · 02/09/2019 23:07

Ok. I don't help my mum out in order to 'earn' my inheritance. I don't because it's the decent thing to do. My problem lies where my siblings dont do the decent thing and expect 1/3.

You say that you don't help your mum out to "earn" your inheritance, but it's actually clear from your post that you do think that because you obviously don't think that your siblings are as deserving as you are.

Surely the only reason you wouldn't expect it to be split equally between the three of you (assuming that it isn't left to the local hedgehog hospital or whatever!) Is if you think that you have somehow earned the right to more, by "doing the decent thing".

I don't think you have, though. The reward for doing the decent thing is knowing that you're a decent person. If you expect to get paid for it, there is nothing particularly decent about it at all.

pumpkinpie01 · 02/09/2019 23:08

I understand what you mean my auntie and uncle did so much for my grandma , visited every day , cooked , cleaned organised everything. My other uncle couldn't be bothered to even go to his own mothers funeral , so yes I think my aunt and uncle should have had more inheritance than him. But obviously it doesn't work like that unfortunately.

TrainspottingWelsh · 02/09/2019 23:09

If they are low contact for good reason, then it’s quite possible they would see any possible inheritance as one of the few things she actually got right. As in inheritance for what they didn’t get out of the past relationship.

And playing devils advocate your decision to care for someone that made your life a misery could be equally viewed as being a martyr for a greater share of the inheritance.

lemonyellowtangerine · 02/09/2019 23:09

Your attitude is vile, by the way. Nothing decent about it at all.

You want to facilitate your continued exploitation by someone with a track record of causing you harm that's your look out, but the way you're talking about people who found the strength and self respect to protect themselves? Nah, not OK.

Urgh.

Honeyroar · 02/09/2019 23:11

Ps, it's not really a case of me thinking I've earned more inheritance than my brother, but more a case of him not deserving it. I'd rather see it go to charity..

PinkBuffalo · 02/09/2019 23:11

alexa has put it much better than I could. My mum is severely disabled. I helped look after her 24hrs a day from early childhood until last year. She is now in a nursing home. There will be no inheritance for any of us due to the fees we have to pay. We have always understood this, but mum is the one upset about it (she is only early 50s and house had to be sold to pay for care so I had to move out...)
I dont know what it's like to "expect" an inheritance though as I've never had that life. I looked after my family as long as I could because they were my family and I loved them despite all the hardship we have been through down the years.
If you do things out of love you wont be disappointed, but that's just my view.

Love51 · 02/09/2019 23:11

I think it is ok for a parent to compensate children for loss of earnings if someone has had to reduce work to care for them. However the inheritance is emotive - it is the last thing you do for your family.
My brother won't be in a position to care for our parents but he's glad I will be. He is as their child as much as I am. It is often said about maintenance that kids are not pay per view, the same goes for the elderly!