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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children should get inheritance based on what they put 'in'?

129 replies

Sparklfairy · 02/09/2019 22:43

This is based on me but also my own parents too.

My mum made my life a misery in many ways. But i wouldn't see her out on the street. I paid her mortgage as and her bills when she couldn't to keep her house, without ccjs.

Herother two children left without a word or help, but I know they'll come crawling back when there's money in the picture.

One of my parents has done the same. Has no dependents and lives alone. But when his mum dies he will want his 'share'. His sister has had his mum love with his for 5+ years, dealt with all the shit that comes with dementia, refuse to put her in a her to protect his inheritance yet not help his mum in anyway.

The eye opener was when he was present during a conversation between me and his sister. His sister said she was tired because his mum has woken up screaming asking for X (long dead) and he paused and said...

Well let's talk about my holiday in Italy.

Yet he still expects am equal share. My aunt is dealing with everything. I don't think it's fair.

I'm dealing with everything with the future generation but my sister and brother are currently LC. It's been left to me. What do I do?

OP posts:
inboxmayhem · 03/09/2019 06:52

YABU - you don't "give" to get something back

You'll end up feeling resentful and bitter, let it go.

Rubyupbeat · 03/09/2019 06:53

#lemonyellowtangerine
Exactly how I see it

AJPTaylor · 03/09/2019 06:57

I sort of agree with you. But it's down to the individual to do what they want with their will, that's the entire point.
My lovely sister in law did a neck of a lot of care for her parents and probably avoided care home fees in the process. If my In laws had left her more in recognition, no one could have objected tbh. They didn't and she did it for love, not money.
I am the responsible one for my mum. Her will is equal between me and siblings but me and her have decided that she will pay for any extra help where needed, e.g. cleaners, home help, nursing and If she ever needs care, her estate will disappear pretty quickly anyway. If she left it to me, I would split it 3 ways anyway.

Rubyupbeat · 03/09/2019 06:57

Your siblings got away from her. Likely due to her being an awful mother.
You chose to take care of her, whilst still saying how bad she was. Your choice.
You dont deserve any more than they do, they took themselves away from a bad situation, you didn't.
Inheritance is not a payment for services rendered at all..

MaybeitsMaybelline · 03/09/2019 06:58

I kind of get this but understand why you don’t. It does seem to be us females that seem to pick up the slack isn’t it.

I do everything for my very elderly parents and yet my brother, who is genuinely a hard working lovely man but who lives 200 miles away, makes his 3 x a year visits with his wife and young children and Descends on the oldies eating them out of house and home and letting them run around him and is treated like a knight in shining armour.

Then he fucks off again for another four months,

For me it’s not about the money more about the unfairness of holding the fort and taking on the full load of caring.

The trouble is, if I imagine a similar situation with my DC, I guess whilst I would be so grateful that I had a child close to help I suppose I would also be delighted when the other one came to see me and would continue to love them equally whilst recognising one does more to help.

Don’t think there is an easy answer to this.

SabineSchmetterling · 03/09/2019 07:03

I know someone who divided their inheritance unequally because one child did the bulk of her care when she was older. It caused huge bitterness and wasn’t worth the extra 6.66% (it was a 40, 30, 30 split instead of thirds). I think an unequal split is asking for trouble except in very special circumstances (e.g. a disabled child who will need extra care or a deceased child’s share being split between their children). People aren’t thinking logically when they are grieving and tend to see an unequal inheritance as evidence that they were loved or valued less.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 03/09/2019 07:07

I'm still reading the replies but I would like to make something clear.

I don't care if she left everything to the cats home

I don't. I don't want more money. I don't want more anything. But why should they get more if they did nothing?!

If none of us got anything and it all went to charity then that's fine by me.

But two generations now have expected one siblingto do the bulk of the care, to protect their inheritance in on way or another, yet do fuck all and just walk in with their hand out when they die? It's disgusting.

I wish and hope mum leaves her money to a cats home. Her cat is amazing and lives her like her kids never have. I don't want anything. I suppose just recognition Sad

OP posts:
chamenanged · 03/09/2019 07:09

You should get legal paperwork done adding you to mortgage and deeds.

Eh?!

SimonJT · 03/09/2019 07:14

I’m NC with my whole family, if they left me anything I would donate it to a charity that supported a cause they disliked.

You are pretending that you don’t think you deserve the inheritance, at least I’m honest on my stance.

leckford · 03/09/2019 07:14

Nothing causes hatred and fighting amongst siblings than the distribution of parent’s assets. A lawyer said he hated administering estates for this reason

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/09/2019 07:16

The eye opener was when he was present during a conversation between me and his sister. His sister said she was tired because his mum has woken up screaming asking for X (long dead) and he paused and said...

Well let's talk about my holiday in Italy.

This can simply be a response from somebody who struggles with the concept of his mother's deterioration and doesn't feel comfortable enough to talk about it. It might be galling in the face of his doing nothing for his mother, but that doesn't mean he should be forced to deal with it/discuss it. Some people can't deal with that kind of thing.

People make choices about how involved they want to be with another person. You have chosen the level of involvement you have with your mum, same with your siblings. Potential inheritance should be irrelevant really.

TheBrockmans · 03/09/2019 07:16

It is really difficult to assess care input, my parents are in a care home, my sister visits twice as much as I do, but my journey is 6hrs longer than hers (they moved after I had left home). Inheritance is not just about the current situation but about the lifetime relationship. I can't imagine giving more to one of my dc than another.

I do though think that you should account for all the money that you have spent on bailing her out and ask for that to be repaid as a debt from the inheritance before it is split, as that is quantifiable in monetary terms. If the mortgage has already been paid off then investigate whether this could be in terms of a charge against the house so you are refunded if it is sold for care etc.

Sizeofalentil · 03/09/2019 07:17

How do you measure it though?

My parents were abusive growing up and aren't very nice now so I am LC. And I won't be helping with their care should it happen.

Another sibling moved abroad for similar reasons.

My two youngest siblings were treated as if they were spun gold so as a result still live at home in their 30s and don't work. But are physically there and company for my parents.

Who has the most 'rights' to an inheritance there?

Surfskatefamily · 03/09/2019 07:18

I treat my parents unbiased by money through life. My dad's remarried a younger woman so I expect his estate to be hers when he dies and my mum is welcome to leave me or not leave me anything, she may need it for care if she has complex needs in old age.
I don't think you should treat inheritance as a given. Just live your life

Snowy111 · 03/09/2019 07:18

I agree with you that it isn’t fair but the law shouldn’t change

The people who are looked after could make a will to make things fair, but often they don’t. In fact it’s often the case that they see the non-caring party through rose tinted glasses “but they’re so busy etc”

The carer often becomes the martyr, and sacrifices a lot of their own time and money. I say this from personal experience, but I’m still glad I was there for them.

I think it’s horrible that the word “martyr” is used in such a derogatory way on threads like this. When you are giving so much to help someone, it’s hard not to feel resentful of others in the family who do nothing.

Userzzzzz · 03/09/2019 07:19

lemonyellowtangerine There are obviously cases where toxic parents use wills to screw over one child for example and I’ve seen the fall out in a friend’s family from that (the parent only left money to his 2 birth children and not his 2 adopted ones). But I wouldn’t want to see a ban on disinheriting adult children. Some adult children are vile (just as some parents are) and I don’t see why they should be entitled to their parent’s money over and above people who they were close to.

Ylvamoon · 03/09/2019 07:31

Firstly, inheritance is not a given or a compensation for time spend caring.
OP - If your parents gave you and your siblings a life of misery, you are not even morally obliged to care for your aging parent.
... And even more generally, it depends on the children's circumstances at the of of the care need.
(I live abroad, I can't just up stick just to care for an elderly parent for a few years ... ok big back story but I would potentially jeopardize my own financial security & retirement.)

And then there is the dementia tax. The caring sibling could just "blow" the inheritance in care fees anyway.
So if there is anything left at the end, it should be shared equally.

BrokenWing · 03/09/2019 07:33

You choose to do what you want/can for your mum.

My dbro's live further away and do fuck all for our mum, instead of being disney dads, they are disney sons. They show up 3-4 times a year take her out somewhere nice, bring her gifts etc then leave for another few months with no recognition that we are there all the time to do the daily drudge. Mum talks about the visit for weeks and thinks the sun shines out of their arses.

Yes it sometimes pisses me off, but I do not relate it in any way to any inheritance. I do what I choose, they do what they choose.
If/when I decide it is too much, or when her health deteriorates further, and I choose to no longer do it I will stop and we may use a care home. I always have a choice and so do you.

sugarplumfairy28 · 03/09/2019 07:33

I think the question you might want to ask is AIBU to think that children who have nothing to do with parents, don't help etc should not expect inheritance. I don't think this is BU, however being a child who helps, houses, or pays for parents and want a larger share of inheritance is U.

Mumofone1860 · 03/09/2019 07:36

My MIL went NC with her brother becuase he got more in the will. He got more becuase he lived with the mum, caring for her and running her business when she was too ill. MIL owned a huge house and he was still living at the family home with his three children (even after will was read she wanted him to sell the house he lived in to give her money she didn't need/hadn't been given in the will!)

I guess it's always going to be a mix of who helped/who needs help.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 03/09/2019 07:36

It doesn’t work like that for most people fortunately. My elderly parents need a lot of help and support and one of my siblings lives away and has only seen them once in a few years. It has never crossed my mind that they would have a different proportion of the inheritance, not that there is likely to be much left after care costs anyway.

My siblings and I are not expecting or relying on any inheritance at all.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/09/2019 07:38

No one is entitled to an inheritance, and the quicker anyone accepts this the easier it gets.

Soontobe60 · 03/09/2019 07:42

@PinkBuffalo
havebyou tried to apply for continuing care funding? If your dm needs care in a nursing home, then this funding could be paid for under continuing care regardless of her assets and income.

sportinguista · 03/09/2019 07:42

I don't live near my dad but my sister does, that's because she can afford to and my dad's current wife tolerates her and hates me. She would likely think she has 'done' more for my dad but that is more due to proximity. Neither are responsible for his care as he currently is frailer but still fit for his age and has no dementia or anything, any care is done by his wife. Neither of us 'deserve' any more than the other but in the end it's his choice to give anything. I currently just want a few items that remind me of my mum and dad from when I was little and that'll do me. Money doesn't really remind me of them as we never really had any whilst I was growing up!

ChickenyChick · 03/09/2019 07:43

Stop putting in thousands and sacrificing your own MH, you are only going to achieve bitterness OP

Let the house be repossesses, stop protecting her assets by throwing money at it

Step back , call social services to say that due to a breakdown you are stepping back as a carer

Stop wrecking your ien life

You’re not on the path to happiness here