To think children should get inheritance based on what they put 'in'?

[Sparklfairy]

This is based on me but also my own parents too.

My mum made my life a misery in many ways. But i wouldn't see her out on the street. I paid her mortgage as and her bills when she couldn't to keep her house, without ccjs.

Herother two children left without a word or help, but I know they'll come crawling back when there's money in the picture.

One of my parents has done the same. Has no dependents and lives alone. But when his mum dies he will want his 'share'. His sister has had his mum love with his for 5+ years, dealt with all the shit that comes with dementia, refuse to put her in a her to protect his inheritance yet not help his mum in anyway.

The eye opener was when he was present during a conversation between me and his sister. His sister said she was tired because his mum has woken up screaming asking for X (long dead) and he paused and said...

Well let's talk about my holiday in Italy.

Yet he still expects am equal share. My aunt is dealing with everything. I don't think it's fair.

I'm dealing with everything with the future generation but my sister and brother are currently LC. It's been left to me. What do I do?

My dad's mum idolised my father and basically was rather snobby towards my mum and her family for many years. However, this changed when she actually started waking up to what my dad was really like and the fact he buggered off and no-one knew where he was for some years.

Anyway, my Nan's brother started sniffing around a bit more the older she got and so did his son, my nan's nephew. There was talk of them trying to change my nan's will etc. Anyway when my Nan died my mum who had so much for her and sometimes without a lot of thanks. Got 75% of my Nan's estate and my Dad got 10% with me, my brother and sister getting 5%. I'd have loved to see the others faces when they realised my mum had actually been shown her appreciation and kindness by getting that amount . We all thought it would go to my dad.

My will be written with those that actually care in mind and not just to my son. He's only 9 though so there's a way to go yet!

I can sort of understand the OP even though I completely agree that none has the right to any inheritance. My MIL is in a care home. For many years before she went my DH supported her, taking time off work unpaid to take her to numerous appointments, getting called out in the middle of the night almost daily as she had fallen at home, attending meetings with social workers, therapists etc. Because of the nature of his job, he had to use his holidays a lot of the time or just not get paid. He was under a great deal of stress, fearing that he might lose his job too. I supported him whenever I could but he felt it was his responsibility. His sibling lives on the other side of the world. Over a period of 5 years she visited twice. (She's retired and spends a great deal of time on holiday, and is very wealthy). At one point my MIL was expected to pass away and my SIL couldn't / wouldn't come over because she was due to attend her nieces wedding.
SIL speaks to MIL once a month on the phone but MIL can't hold a conversation now. MILs will splits her small savings between the two siblings. SIL has said that when MIL dies she expects the flights for her coming for the funeral to be paid out of MILs savings and then to split the remainder!!!
What makes me mad is that looking after MIL has actually cost us a significant amount of money in lost wages, we bought a bigger car that MIL could get in and out of easier, we buy her clothes, extra food, take her for days out. So although in theory I agree that how an inheritance is shared out is completely down to the person making the will, for some it can be the final nail in the coffin when one sibling has done sod all to support their parent yet still expects half share.
And before anyone gets all indignant and tells me I'm out of order, that MIL can do what she wants with her money, I completely agree. She CAN do what she wants. My DH doesn't help look after her because he wants to get his hands on a few thousand pounds, he does it because he loves her.

Oh gosh sorry, haven't read the whole thread as didn't realise there were more pages.

OP I hope you are okay.

I don't think this is really about the inheritance, OP, is it? It seems to be more about the money that you have paid towards your mum's mortgage?

There is no harm in wanting that money back when your mum passes on, but I you're going about it in the wrong way. At the moment, you're giving that money to your mum as a gift, so it's hers to do what she likes with, and you shouldn't expect a greater share of the inheritance. If you want the money to be just a temporary loan, which you'll get back when the house is eventually sold, then you need to formalise this so that the loan can be paid off by your mum's estate before any inheritance is finalised. Alternatively, you might want to negotiate a share of the house that is yours.

Either way, you need to be clear as to what that money is - a gift, a loan or an investment? You can't give it as a gift and then expect a return on the investment!

Inhertitance should be split between DC equally regardless of 'input'. You don't earn it! You live your life as a result of the choices you make, and if it's too hard make different choices. I wouldn't want to be anyone's carer either. And I don't understand parents who allow their DC to put their lives on hold or make huge sacrifices to do it.

I think it depends entirely on what the person who passes wants. They may want money to go to grandchildren who are much loved but have never done anything for them.

We are discussing moving in with in laws in 5-10 years - getting some land and building an extra house on it for them. We’ve had discussions about inheritance and my PIL have said if we end up caring for them whilst my SIL is still living in NZ the will should be adjusted (in favour of my husband rather than his sister), especially if it impedes our ability to work. I agree this sounds fair but at the same time will accept if PIL change their minds and want to keep it 50/50. Anything we do for them will be out of love, not for money.

So what if your kids are mid teens like mine and have just got an inheritance? Do I say - no you need to earn it! Don't be ridiculous op.

"But two generations now have expected one siblingto do the bulk of the care, to protect their inheritance in on way or another, yet do fuck all and just walk in with their hand out when they die? It's disgusting."

This definitely sounds like you are waiting for a pay out. Why do you see your parents home as your "inheritance"? It's not. You don't have an inheritance. You possibly might in the future but these relatives are alive.

You had a choice not to pay their mortgage and to just pay it off in hand outs was unwise. Maybe your siblings couldn't care less if your parents had been repossessed, but you clearly did.

Why didn't you get it sorted legally at the time. You could be viewed as slack for not protecting your own financial position.

If one of my kids had helped out way more than the other i think i would try and reflect this in some way in what i left them

Op, your parents failed you your entire childhood

What exactly makes you think that they’re going to change now

Your siblings have the right idea, your parents deserve nothing from any of you.

You’re in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You would benefit from getting someone to help you work through the past and to manage your feelings about your family.

Not read the full thread.

My DM lived with us for 15 years, and whilst that did mean that we had the bulk of the caring in her latter years, she played a huge part in our family life. In the earlier years she would cook for us, look after the children, 'treat' us. So if you are looking at 'payback', we had it in spades. We cared for her as she became ill because we chose to.

She left her assets split equally between my DB and myself - he lives away - and I wouldn't have had it any other way. She loved us equally.

I can’t say that I cared for my parents because I didn’t, I was just there for them as they were for me. Other siblings who lived local rarely visited, or did anything at all, yet managed to come in at the last minute to get my mom to make a Will, & took over as POA. My mom wouldn’t understand this at the best of times, let alone when she had dementia. There’s a time & place for a Will & POA, however, this was just a legal way for them to steal mom’s money. I’m not bothered about any inheritance, they took nothing from me, It’s what they did to my poor mom who would trust everyone & give anyone anything. I did what I did because I wanted to. I’ve got loads of happy memories, & photos ... My siblings have nothing, but money they stole from an elderly lady with dementia. They took nothing from me. I’m sorry for what you’re going through Op but you can either walk away, or talk to your mom.

The person willing their estate gets to dole it out on whatever grounds they want.

No one else gets to have a say.

I get what you're saying, OP and I think it's a very natural thing to feel that way. Around 2000 years ago Jesus addressed the feeling in Matthew 20, v 1-15.

I know in my heart it's down to the person with the 'gift' (inheritance, payment) to decide how to distribute it. But it's human to feel a twinge of annoyance when it's based on the giver's concept of love, rather than the recipient's concept of fairness.

Give whatever help you choose to on the assumption that all the money will either be spent on a care home when you are too burned out to cope any more, or will go to a donkey sanctuary. If knowing you will get no reward you still choose to help then that is fine. If you are less willing to help if there will be no reward that is also fine.

Your parents have every right to then choose to do as they wish with their money. Anything they give to you is a bonus, anything they choose to give to an undeserving cause (whether a donkey sanctuary or your siblings) is up to them.

Why don't you just have a conversation with your mum then? Tell her you feel you're entitled to more (because of what you've done for her) inheritance than your siblings, and see what she says. She can only say no?

I do think you sound like a martyr though.

Have your siblings said they are doing this? It sounds like they escaped the FOG and your mum's behaviour, good on them. They owe her nothing, as she does them in money. If she chooses not to give that's her response but perhaps she's 'buying back their love'? Bad parents sometimes try that.

For your own MH, step right back and stop paying any money without a plan in place to get it back.

I thjnk uour AIBU should be 'is it unreasonable to give more that you can?' To which the answer is no. Put yourself and your family first too. Ideally, you shouldn't feel resentful as you should have had a legal loan agreement or extra shares in the house. Sadly, you've made a mistake there as it sounds like your mum won't repay it when she can.

Sometimes it's just circumstances though. Those who moved further away and who have jobs, are going to find it harder to care for ageing parents than those who dont work and who live round the corner. Doesn't mean they love them any less. As a parent, you want your children to be getting on with life and doing well. It's not fair to give the child who moved away less money just because you dont see them as much.

I agree with you. It is so wrong that children (adults) absent themselves from looking after or even just helping a sibling with elderly parents and still expect inheritance when the old person dies. It is sheer greed.

^I agree

And what about children who can't do anything because of health reasons. They obviously cant earn it as they cant do their bit. Also, often children who are carers, receive the care allowance benefit.

OP it feels like this isn’t about your siblings at all, but rather your parents continued failure to recognise and be grateful to you for helping them when they were in need.

If they made a will recognising you above your siblings maybe it would feel like some kind of expression of love from them?

Parents are still parents.

Sometimes they know that they have a smart child and a child who will not be able to take care of themselves as well. The smart child might be more present but the parent worries about the other child, and therefore leaves more to the other child. They think that the smart child is self sufficient and will figure out a way to make life work without the help.

If you're really suffering, take a step back. You have done nothing wrong but you need to understand that sometimes it will never matter what you do. It's about how they see who you are. (Sometimes parents are dickheads as well and just play favourites but that's just how people are).

I actually think that if you have forwarded substantial funds to your mother then it’s not U to expect that to be returned to you from her estate before the balance is divided as she saw fit. Does she even have a will?

But based on actual contributions? It’s so hard because so often one sibling does most of the hard work and another, more distant one will get all the accolades for making a weekly phone call etc.

It’s just life unfortunately.

I don't agree and nor does English law. Parents can choose if children inherit at all and you can choose not to leave ap enny to your family. Sometimes those depending on you can bring a separate claim later but the basic principle is you don't have to leave any of yuor money to your children or your spouse and you can be unfair between them.

I trhink leave it equally without reflecting if they did your old age care and if they are richer or less rich than each other. That's the simpler route that my will reflects and my parents' wills did on the whole.

in this case just do less if you don't thikn your parents recognise your efforts. No one is presumably forcing you to help. In fact my own mother used to say put me in a care home when I'm old because she had seen too many people's lives ruined by having to care for old parents. (She died at 75 in her own house so didn't' have 15 years of old age and problems)