To think children should get inheritance based on what they put 'in'?

[Sparklfairy]

This is based on me but also my own parents too.

My mum made my life a misery in many ways. But i wouldn't see her out on the street. I paid her mortgage as and her bills when she couldn't to keep her house, without ccjs.

Herother two children left without a word or help, but I know they'll come crawling back when there's money in the picture.

One of my parents has done the same. Has no dependents and lives alone. But when his mum dies he will want his 'share'. His sister has had his mum love with his for 5+ years, dealt with all the shit that comes with dementia, refuse to put her in a her to protect his inheritance yet not help his mum in anyway.

The eye opener was when he was present during a conversation between me and his sister. His sister said she was tired because his mum has woken up screaming asking for X (long dead) and he paused and said...

Well let's talk about my holiday in Italy.

Yet he still expects am equal share. My aunt is dealing with everything. I don't think it's fair.

I'm dealing with everything with the future generation but my sister and brother are currently LC. It's been left to me. What do I do?

Inheritances aren’t earned. That’s the whole point of them. They’re just a cut of wealth you didn’t earn but got because you were lucky enough to have family members who were wealthy.

I disagree. I think inheritances should squally be split equally between offspring with no consideration of how much help was put in or anything else for that matter. The only time they should not be equal is if a child had a disability and needed extra support.

It’s up to you if you help, your parents or not. I’m ‘you’ in my family and my siblings are as useless as yours but I am glad my parents are splitting their wills equally.

YANBU. Life isn't clear cut, black & white.

As an alternative perspective there are some adult children who will provoke and manipulate their elderly parents into changing wills into their favour by instigating rifts and separations between them and their adult children. I know that because of this, on the one hand I have been cheated of possibility of inheriting a substantial amount, and on the other I know that my father is decent enough to know that he believes he is acting judiciously. Until fairly recent horrific events my father was my idol and so there is still comfort to be gained from the situation, but these scenarios are rarely black and white.
Your father, brother and sister all sound very unhelpful and remote. However, inheritances aren’t earned, they’re given in love, which is the aspect I personally find most painful.

YABU and paying her mortgage and debts? That was daft.

As for this little gem "My dad is lazy and selfish and would never have taken on his mum to live the way that his sister does. It's been years. Shouldn't there be at least a subsidiary " there is. It's called carers allowance.

You aren't entitled to anything. Grabby martyrs on here tonight

That’s what wills are for ! Ffs

As pp said you should have made it a loan to be paid out of the estate.

Someone I know took care of an elderly aunt, and he charged her for all the running around as she was often wanting to be taken somewhere. The other nieces and nephews did nothing and would expect their share of inheritance, so he got paid for the constant taxi service. While it might sound horrible she did similar things to him over the years like charging him to store stuff at her house.

It’s not fair that you do all the work when your siblings don’t.. but you need to take inheritance out of it. My mother does all the work when it comes to my grandmother but the inheritance of any will be divided equally.. my mum does it out of love.

Crustycrab, I hope grabby martyrs isn’t aimed at me, I was simply trying to say that sometimes other motives are involved. I know I’m not entitled purely by birthright, but it’s always said family money would be split equally when DF passes away. However, despite the provocation and manipulation involved, I am determined to take some comfort from it all for my own sake. I don’t see that as martyrdom. The sibling involved abused myself and two other siblings in childhood and my father has sided with him. I refuse to fully blame my father..... maybe I should start my own thread about it. I am certainly not grabby either.
OP just do your best for your mother but as MNHQ always advise, don’t give so much in terms of time or money that you’re unprotected or vulnerable.

I cared for my DM, my 3 siblings visited occasionally and didn't take responsibility for the shit stuff like physical or emotional support, hospital visits etc, instead they made a fuss at birthdays and Christmas. I worked part time in order to support DM, siblings earned full time wages.

I resented their lack of acknowledgement of the commitment and support I provided to our DM, but I didn't resent the fact that DM chose to split HER estate evenly because it was HER money and i believe inheritance is a gift not an entitlement.

By caring for my DM our relationship became richer and stronger, don't do it if it's not working, you are not obliged.

Has your mum made a will?

Making a will and letting the family know what there is and who is getting it clears the air marvelously, and allows an older person to see who his or her true friends are.

I think that families can be much more complicated. That's not aimed at anyone on here, just a reflection of my own family's experience.

My grandmother lived in sheltered housing in the last years of her life but my mother visited her all the time, did shopping for her, picked up her prescriptions etc. My uncle (almost) never visited. There was no inheritance but my mother has done a lot of grandstanding over the years to anyone who'd listen about being the self-sacrificing "good" child who did everything for her elderly parent.

On the other hand, my mother wasn't very nice to my grandmother day-to-day. I used to hate the "I'm too busy for this, you stupid old woman" tone of voice she always used to her. My grandmother loved walking long distances but, in the end, she couldn't do more than hobble to the bathroom. She was heartbroken over the loss of her freedom. One time, in the last weeks of her life, she was telling me how she fantasized that, just once, she would walk out of her flat again and laugh at the amazed expressions on her neighbour's faces. She was obviously enjoying imagining it but my mother just put her down with a "don't be ridiculous, mum" and my grandmother's mouth trembled like a child's when they're going to cry. But she didn't say anything. I think, in the end, she was a bit scared of my mother.

And no, my grandmother wasn't a saint and there were faults on both sides in her relationship with her kids. But I also know my mother and I know that she can be cruel and then fall back on "poor me, you're just getting upset to manipulate me like everyone has done to me all my life". And I honestly don't know whether either child was "better" in the end: the one who stayed and played the victim, or the one who - if he couldn't give freely and without spite - just stayed away.

I hate it when people have expectations of inheritance. But there's some serious holier than thou stuff going on in this thread.

I don't think it's remotely unreasonable to be angry when one's been a parents carer and financial support for years, and siblings who've had no contact at all over that period, come sniffing round expecting their equal share at the end. One would have to be a saint not to be irritated by that.

My parents cared for my gran who moved in with us when she could no longer cope, and then developed Alzheimer's. My dad's siblings saw her once a year at Christmas ( They lived 15 minutes away) but at least they had the decency to volunteer that my dad should be the sole beneficiary of her (small) estate.

It’s up to your mum who she leaves her money to. She probably loves her children equally as most do, and will leave what she can, equally.
You can’t change that.

My problem lies where my siblings dont do the decent thing and expect 1/3
I suspect your siblings have put up with a lot of crap from your DM or they would not have gone LC with her. And they don’t help out because of the way she’s treated them. While it is ‘decent’ of you to help her, they are under no obligation to do so as well, and may have strong feelings of not wanting to help out a toxic parent, just as you have strong feelings that they should help. Getting a 1/3 or not is irrelevant to the issue, and they may feel they’ve “earned it” by putting up with her.

*ErrolTheDragon

Maybe the OP is BU - but her siblings are vvv U if they do actually feel entitled to anything.*

I haven't read all the posts but that is the essence of my post. I don't want or feel entitled to anything. I just feel resentful of the siblings who feel entitled to anything that is there as a direct result of the time and money I put in. After giving nothing.

Sorry if that's wrong to some people. But it's how I feel.

When the discrepancy is so vast -how can two people fuck off and leave one to deal with all off the cost and emotional fallout... And yet want an equal share? I think that's disgusting

Ravenblack

This is exactly my problem. I have been put in the position where I look like a bitch if I leave them or a martyr if I don't

I get what you're saying. I'm not about being 'paid' for what I've done, bit if the discrepancy is such that I've stayed and sacrificed and in turn protected inheritance for those that have fucked off and don't even call... Do they deserve the same as me? I've given them more and I've worked my arse off for it... They've fucked off and then come back for it later... If I'd done the same this wouldn't be here.

People saying I want more than my fair share of my 'inheritance' are wrong. If it weren't for me in the last ten years there wouldn't be any assets. I just wondered if that was unfair given the circumstances.

It's been left to me. What do I do?

It hasn’t been left to you, you’ve made a decision to care for your parent despite their poor behaviour. As for what you do, accept that you have the same choices as your other siblings and that’s it. It isn’t your money (yet) to make decisions about.

*Shouldn't there be at least a subsidiary

Do you mean the will should be over-ruled and extra given to the people who did ‘more’ for the deceased? How do you prove the amount of care/help given by each beneficiary?*

No I mean in all likelihood my mum will be lazy and not do a willat all, so we're each going to get a third.

When I've put in thousands and sacrificed MH, aibu to feel it's unfair of my siblings to feel entitled

Agree you do not earn inheritance.
But, if you are paying your DMs mortgage you should keep a record and talk to your siblings about having a higher share of the home because you ARE actually paying for it with your own money. So, technically, not all of the house is inheritance, some of it is yours.

On the subject of siblings, some so alienate theirs that the easiest and nicest thing an adult child can do is take a step back from the family unit.

For the life of me, I cannot convince my Uncle that my cousin has divided her/his family. A & U Wills have been re-written to exclude Cousin's Brother and his family, yet Cousin financially benefits from the parents while they are alive (the one to be seen doing everything, and owes them considerable funds) and dead.

You should get legal paperwork done adding you to mortgage and deeds.

I sort of agree with you actually. I am in the same position. Don’t get on with my mother and she has never done anything for me. I now find myself doing a lot for her. My siblings are useless. One only visits when there is something in it for him. The other is only interested in getting my mother to write her cheques and listen to her woes.
I do feel resentful as I am the ‘black sheep’ .
She still thinks my siblings are marvellous but is bitchy to me.

I think if you’re being a martyr and expecting to be rewarded for it then it’s not exactly out the goodness of your heart. Let your parents decide what they would like to do with their assets.