To think children should get inheritance based on what they put 'in'?

[Sparklfairy]

This is based on me but also my own parents too.

My mum made my life a misery in many ways. But i wouldn't see her out on the street. I paid her mortgage as and her bills when she couldn't to keep her house, without ccjs.

Herother two children left without a word or help, but I know they'll come crawling back when there's money in the picture.

One of my parents has done the same. Has no dependents and lives alone. But when his mum dies he will want his 'share'. His sister has had his mum love with his for 5+ years, dealt with all the shit that comes with dementia, refuse to put her in a her to protect his inheritance yet not help his mum in anyway.

The eye opener was when he was present during a conversation between me and his sister. His sister said she was tired because his mum has woken up screaming asking for X (long dead) and he paused and said...

Well let's talk about my holiday in Italy.

Yet he still expects am equal share. My aunt is dealing with everything. I don't think it's fair.

I'm dealing with everything with the future generation but my sister and brother are currently LC. It's been left to me. What do I do?

I agree.

People are despicable when it comes to money and valuable possessions.

I recently found out a distant relative of mine (let's call him G) signed his house over to his grandson and wife (let's call them D & M) The grandson and his wife were apparently lovely when his health took a turn for the worse, visiting as much as they could. Helping him and his DW who is suffering with Alzheimer's or dementia (can't remember which one), they are both in their 80s and in poor health so it really meant a lot to them.
As soon as the sign over happened they dropped off the face of the earth, sometimes G might call him and asks if he wouldn't mind picking up something from the shop (basics like bread or milk), since G is pretty much housebound and cannot leave his DW alone. He will usually end up being told that the shop was all out/insert excuse here.
When G was in hospital potentially never to return home D & M staged lots of incidents to make out Gs DW was loosing her marbles so they could have her shipped off to a care home and basically did whatever they could to try and take over the house ASAP. G recovering and coming home obviously spoiled their plans.
The vultures are now sitting idly by and waiting for G and his DW to pass so they can swoop in and claim their property whilst my DGM who is his niece is doing everything she can to help them out shopping/cleaning , visiting just so they have a bit of company etc even though D&M live around the corner and she lives over an hour away.

It should definitely be different even if it's just for the sake of someone who is ill/elderly having their family care for them (even if it's for the wrong reasons) rather than everyone disappearing then swooping in like vultures and fighting over the China sets once they have passed away.

I'm not expecting anything. I'm not sitting here putting in time or whatever hoping for a payout at the end.

My point is I have supported to the point of them losing their house, with no money back, I am always the one to step in and deal with things, so if they fall ill it will fall to me, yet other siblings will just waltz in and demand a third at the end when if it was down to them the house may well have been repossessed.

It's just now things have settled down, and my grandparents are 'moving on?' ... they are. I hate it. But other people and my family have worked far harder to keep them in a state of well-being than others that just thought no one would give a fuck. My dad is lazy and selfish and would never have taken on his mum to live the way that his sister does. It's been years. Shouldn't there be at least a subsidiary

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable OP. I totally agree that people can leave their money to whom they want , but it is shit when one sibling shows more love and affection than the others who are absent, yet they manage to turn up for the cash. I do think the one who cares more should get more in a fair world. That said it's ultimately up to the parent to decide who gets what.

I see and hear this story repeated over and over again. Maybe the old saying "Money is the root of all evil"really is true.

My DM has disinherited my two eldest siblings. She has also made it known in her will that they are not to attend her funeral when she passes.

Never in a million years did I think that this would happen in our family but when it comes to possessions and money I guess the true nature of people is exposed.

I've told my mum to spend, spend, spend. It's her money so why should she feel obliged to leave me and my brothers anything?

Maybe the OP is BU - but her siblings are vvv U if they do actually feel entitled to anything.

My point is I have supported to the point of them losing their house, with no money back, I am always the one to step in and deal with things, so if they fall ill it will fall to me, yet other siblings will just waltz in and demand a third at the end when if it was down to them the house may well have been repossessed.

The thing is, it was your choice to do all of that. You didn't have to.

He doesn’t get along with his own dc and all the money will come to me when they die

What a stupendous way to offer up the ultimate "fuck you" to his own children from beyond the grave. If he was ever a good parent to them he would not have contemplated that.

It shouldn't be legal to disinherit your offspring. It breaks people in ways that can't be repaired.

YANBU

I will not be caring for my abusive parents.

I do not care what they do with their money.

.

There is also a question of peace of mind. Could you really live with yourselves having offloaded the parent in the old age or ill health and still want to inherit?
It would not sit easy in my mind

@Sparklfairy I am in 2 minds here.

On the one hand, I know a NUMBER of families where the adult daughters (and grandaughters in some cases,) ran around like blue arsed flies after older family members/parents... Fetching and carrying, waiting on them, doing their housework and gardening, doing their shopping, and visiting them 2 to 4 times a week.

Yet when push came to shove, in the will, the sons (who did fuck-all and visited no more than once a month or so,) got an equal share of the will. In some cases, even more.

On the other hand, you shouldn't really be totting up everything you do for your parents, storing it in a 'grudge bank' and then feeling sour and bitter when you don't get more inheritance than the siblings who did little or nothing.

You should be doing it out of love and compassion. If you have a shit relationship with your parents, and are resentful of doing ANYthing, and are going to be angry if you don't get a good slice of the will, then don't do anything. Just go NC and pretend they don't exist! Don't do stuff for them like a martyr then complain you haven't got what you 'deserve' in the will.

Oh wow.

And what about the DC that care for their parents for years but the parents don't have an inheritance to leave?

Maybe the OP is BU - but her siblings are vvv U if they do actually feel entitled to anything.

I think anyone who feels entitled to any sort of inheritance is being vvv U. However, I think it's equally vvv U to feel more entitled just because you've done more of the care. If you expect to be paid, draw up a contract.

My DSis does nothing for my parents, whereas dd, dh and I are all round there helping them all the time, but if there is anything left from their estate when they pass away, it will be split between DSis and me equally, with a share for dd and DSis's ds as well. I think that's fair, she's as much my parents' child as I am.

yet other siblings will just waltz in and demand a third at the end

Nobody can ‘demand’ an inheritance. If you inherit it’s because that’s what the deceased wanted.

Is it always ‘fair’? No, not always. But it’s the way it is. You can’t change it, so feeling bitterness or resentment will only eat away at you and make you miserable.

Shouldn't there be at least a subsidiary

Do you mean the will should be over-ruled and extra given to the people who did ‘more’ for the deceased? How do you prove the amount of care/help given by each beneficiary?

I know a family father widowed with two kids many decades ago. He remarried but talked endlessly about his sainted first wife, remembered her birthday, wedding anniverseries etc. His second wife had a child. He made it absolutely clear that second wife and child would get nothing because only the children from his first marriage were valid. They still cared for him until the end, whereas his wonderful older children did not bother with him and hated second wife and child.

Folk are funny.

I know what you mean OP. It's like the siblings benefit from your sense of obligation and duty, when they evidently don't share that sense of responsibility at all.

They get the benefit of being a relative without any of the obligation. Plus the benefit of an inheritance that wouldn't exist if you'd absolved yourself of all responsibility like they have.

It's not why you look after your parent but it's very galling all the same.

Just be grateful you don't have to watch the heartbreak of your parent being let down by the child they love (your sibling) on top. ☹️

If an inheritance is payment for care provided then the implication is that children are employees of their parents

There often seems to be one child who does the caring for a parent. In my family it's my DH and me who have cared for my DF, DM, DFIL and a DB. I don't expect it to reflected in any inheritance though. Everything I do in terms of caring is done out of love and respect for them.

My DM has a will leaving her money equally between us children despite my DSis having gone NC many years ago. She has done sweet FA for my DM but will still inherit and that's okay as I know they are my DM's wishes.

OP, I understand what you mean and can see why you find it unfair but I think it's preferable to be happy with the kind of person you are and not worry about what others are like.

Yabu. Inheritence isn't a right. I hope your mum leaves it all to a cats home.

If you bring children into the world, I think the least you can do is leave them what is left of your belongings when you die (or at least most of it).

And, unless one of your children is a rapist or a murderer or something like that, I think it's really, really wrong not to distribute your inheritance equally among your children, whatever your relationship with them or between each other may have been.

If you supported them financially then you should have made that a loan so you could be paid back, by the estate if you had to wait until they died.

But other than that, it's up to individuals who they leave their money to.

OP if it’s any comfort I know what you mean

Especially after you paid your mum’s debts etc.