DP is making me feel like shit about money.

[PrettyTricky]

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

Reanimated, you focused there on exploring if he did something malicious. At no point did you explore if this was a mutual decision, or even more the op wished to move with him,

Op, that's going to cause huge resentment, even if the genders were reversed that would cause huge resentment. You both discussed this clearly, to not have been honest with him and to have misled him isn't ok, no matter how hard you found it to articulate it.

You need To find a comprise or the relationship will end.

I don't understand why, knowing how long it took you to set up your business in the first place, you didn't have some lengthy and detailed conversations with your partner.

Surely you would have pointed out how long it was going to take to rebuild somewhere new.

Wouldn't it have made sense to start the ground work for moving the business BEFORE you moved in with him? Start building a client base at that new location ahead of time?

Why wouldn't you discuss your income, savings and the potential for it to take a while to get earning again, or to rent your property?

I am really astonished anyone would completely ditch a business bringing in 2K a month without ANY discussion, forward planning, etc.

Whilst he might well BU in expecting you to get out there earning this week, I think you have BU in just chucking everything away without any discussion!

@Bluntness100 to be honest, I think we mislead each other to an extent. He lead me to believe that he would be supporting us (but had the underlying expectation that I would continue to contribute whether working or not) and I had the unsaid expectation that I would not have to contribute unless earning. I think it's crap communication all round.

So forgive me if I get this wrong

You are not married

You are living in his house

He wants you to share your savings and

You moved because he would have to take a paycut

In so doing you have decimated your income and in effect taken a £2000 per month pay cut

And now he wants you to contribute to his house

You are miserable I suspect because you know something isn't right. This isn't about being homesick

If I have summed up your situation then

Run as fast as you can back to your own home and start again

@WiddlinDiddlin we did discuss things and he said he would support me and I could start my work over here again. I agreed i would, because I wanted us to be together as a family and not do long distance. What I didn't expect was to have to continue to contribute from day one and to have to use my savings in order to do that.

I was moving for what I thought was the greater good. Perhaps I moved the goalposts on his financial expectations, but he has done the same on mine.

I think there's also a sense of why should I have to. That I had a perfectly decent living that I gave up for him and therefore should be compensated for my sacrifice, which isn't exactly team playing and is frankly entitled and not the person I want to be, but I have to honestly recognise that as an emotion I am feeling - not saying it's right, it's just how I feel.

I think it's great that you have recognised this, but this attitude really isn't fair towards your partner.

If I suggested a move to my DP and he agreed and was on board, I wouldn't expect him to then resent me massively and think that I owed him any kind of compensation for moving. I would think it was a decision we had made together and that if he was so unhappy about it he shouldn't have agreed.

I actually think there's a lot to be said for your suggestion to getting a local job prior to restarting your business. It will get you out and about and meeting people, you'll get to know the area, plus it will give you a bit of structure and routine.

It sounds like you feel very lost at the moment, and I think your idea of taking a couple of months to yourself might actually be worse for you as you'll feel even more isolated. Best to find yourself a job - even part time - and start trying to make this new life work.

@Oliversmumsarmy yes that's exactly how it is. What I was trying to find out is if I'm being the unreasonable one by feeling resentful and annoyed.

to be honest, I think we mislead each other to an extent. He lead me to believe that he would be supporting us (but had the underlying expectation that I would continue to contribute whether working or not) and I had the unsaid expectation that I would not have to contribute unless earning.

@PrettyTricky I think potentially the issue could be that he agreed to support you thinking that you would be restarting your business straight away, even if it takes a while to build a client base.

I think in his shoes, I would have just assumed that relaunching the business would have been a priority for you once you'd had a few days to settle in, unless you'd explicitly said you would need more time.

Is there any way you could start getting the ball rolling again? It would be great to have something to focus on when you're feeling a little lost, as I said above.

The options were; all move, me stay at home with dc and do long distance for the next 4 years until secondary school finished, or stay where we were and his career flushes down the pan (he's a specialist in his field and this is where the work is - he'd have taken a massive pay cut to remain where we were, it simply didn't make sense).

4 years long distance would have been quite a good option for you. You could have got to know the new place gradually, and built up contacts for your new business and social contacts gradually before taking the big plunge.

To be honest, you moving and shutting down your business straight away doesn't make a lot of sense either. Your business is place-dependent, his is very mobile. What if he has to move again?

What I was trying to find out is if I'm being the unreasonable one by feeling resentful and annoyed.

I'd say yes and no.

I think it's perfectly natural and understandable that you would feel unsettled and upset about effectively leaving your old life behind and moving away. I would feel so sad too.

On the other hand, you did agree to the move so your partner probably hadn't expected you to feel so down or feel almost as if he's forced you into it.

I get the frustration in him asking you to use your savings to chip in when he doesn't really need the money, but I think his explanation of trying to gee you up might be true here.

You are definitely not bring unreasonable.

I suspect if you had your name on the deeds you might have different feeling about it all.

You have spent the past 2 weeks unpacking and making his house a home and now he wants you to contribute to it whilst telling you that you should share your savings because you are a team but he isn't putting anything your way.

I also suspect the reason you are feeling down is for the first time in a long while you don't live in your own home, you are not in charge of your own business and you are feeling rudderless and his manipulation isn't helping.

I would move back and if you can't restart your business I would look for something else to do.

Once you own a successful business it is very hard to give it up to go and work for someone else

*You are not married

You are living in his house

He wants you to share your savings and

You moved because he would have to take a paycut

In so doing you have decimated your income and in effect taken a £2000 per month pay cut

And now he wants you to contribute to his house

You are miserable I suspect because you know something isn't right. This isn't about being homesick*

Yep. This sums it up. He couldn't take a pay cut. Okay for you to though!

Sorry op but you've made a mistake. Go home.

Yep. This sums it up. He couldn't take a pay cut. Okay for you to though!

But if I've read previous posts right, there were other options on the table, eg. OP staying put and doing long distance. He hasn't forced OP into taking a pay cut?

If I suggested a move to my DP and he agreed and was on board, I wouldn't expect him to then resent me massively and think that I owed him any kind of compensation for moving. I would think it was a decision we had made together and that if he was so unhappy about it he shouldn't have agreed.

I agree with this. Were you so resentful about moving from the beginning of the idea? Even when you thought he’d be financing everything for a couple of months?

@Bibidy you're probably right in that getting back to it may actually help. I feel resistant to it just now, probably because I know how hard and thankless a task it's going to be to get going again, facing up to the fact I've taken so many steps backwards and working in a whole new area I'm not familiar with. I need to get over that.

You have spent the past 2 weeks unpacking and making his house a home and now he wants you to contribute to it whilst telling you that you should share your savings because you are a team but he isn't putting anything your way.

RTFT. He’s asking for a contribution of a few hundred per month while he pays the lion’s share for him, OP and OP’s child.

People seem really determined to make the OP’s partner out to be a monster or an abuser, the tone of this entire thread is very weird indeed. OP of course it’s reasonable for you to be expected to contribute. You could have not moved, you could have started the process of getting your business established in the new location for months before moving, could have applied for jobs for when you arrived to tide you over, could have arranged to rent your house out for income, or used your savings to pay a few hundred per month while you find work.

I actually think you come across quite balanced and reasoned on the thread mostly (other than the ‘pimp me out to work’ comment) now you’ve had some feedback from different angles. But yes, you would BU to just expect to sit back for a couple months settling with money in the bank while OH pays for everything when you had every opportunity to not move or to do so while also maintaining an income.

I would genuinely love to see this thread with the sexes reversed to see the different tone. I think as the pages have progressed people have egged each other on in an echo chamber to the extent that newcomers are getting the sense you’re with a financially abusive man when the reality is absolutely nothing of the sort.

You were planning on getting work within another six weeks anyway, right? So use some savings for that period of time if you absolutely can’t bear the idea of a job. It’s unfair to expect your DP to pay for everything while you slowly think about restarting your business, slowly build up clients etc.

No, I wasn't resentful from the beginning - well actually now writing it down I'm thinking that I was probably a bit, because I did keep bringing up how much I was going to miss my job. I just expected that it would be worth it. And now I feel like I've lost so much.

@GammaStingRay I think you're right in that people have taken DP to be some sort of abuser, and I didn't intend for the thread to go that way at all, because he truly isn't.

I think this has been about bad communication and muddled expectations on both our parts. I'm feeling hard done by because I've got to go through the hell of grafting to begin again and I know how it is to start with as I've done it before, and where we live now is a much tougher and less affluent market, so I'm not sure how I'm going to get on and doubting myself / still coming to terms with the change.
I really just wanted DP to not bring up me making a contribution for a couple of months until I found my feet and my resentment stems from that and from him going on about it, though in fairness to him he says it was because he thought he was helping to encourage me.

I think the best way out of this is for me to be honest about what my expectations were financially for the next couple of months, but also show that I'm willing to get my arse in gear and get my work going again, and then that gives him confidence that I'm not here to play housewife and gives me a bit of time to get sorted.

I'd agree with bibidy. From what you've said he expected you to start your business again, as this is exactly what you told him you would do. And he would support you as it got up and running. That seems fair.

You've changed this and now don't want to start it again, I really don't think that's fair on him and I'd be fairly pissed if my husband voluntarily offered to move, told me he'd start again there, and I agreed ro support him when he did that, if we got there and literally days later he said he didn't wish to and didn't wish to contribute either and wished to be a house husband who I supported as he felt I owed him for the move.

I think that's a bit shit to be honest. You must have known you didn't want to. That's not something that suddenly occurs, so you knew before you moved. That lack of honesty I think is the key issue here and as said I think it is significant enough to be a relationship ender due to the resentment it will cause.

Did you not tell him you didn't want to because you knew he would possibly not be keen to be the sole breadwinner providing for you and your child?

I really just wanted DP to not bring up me making a contribution for a couple of months until I found my feet and my resentment stems from that and from him going on about it, though in fairness to him he says it was because he thought he was helping to encourage me.

How’s your communication in general? Cos this is a huge miscommunication. How did it get to moving day without either of you sitting and working our finances together and what the plan would be when you moved? Do you not have financial discussions where you both sit and talk about where you’re at financially, goals, aims, etc.?

In fairness to him he can’t have known you were quietly hoping he didn’t mention your financial contribution for two months. I think he’s seen that you’re down and feeling a bit lost and isolated and is trying to encourage you to do what you told him you wanted to do, start the business up again.

The issue around ‘waiting to find my feet’ again is a bit vague too: in what sense? Your ‘finding your feet’ probably looks to your OH very much like you being down and staying in the house and not making inroads into starting a life where you are now.

I would ask him if you can sit and talk tonight. Tell him you reacted badly to his encouragement because you felt defensive. And that you’re going to start tomorrow either getting the business going or looking for some work in the meantime. Ask if he’d be happy with however much contribution per week/month until you’re back up to speed, see whether that is enough for the family’s finances. He’s probably a bit resentful too that you’ve moved in with a child and shown no signs of earning and haven’t got a solid plan and are happy for an indefinite period for him to pay for everything for your house and his other children too. He may be feeling pretty taken advantage of.

YANBU

You shouldn’t have to dip into savings for outgoings unless he is also being forced to use his own savings to maintain the family.

It sounds to me like you have rushed into the move because of the timing of his job change / your child’s school situation, rather than because you were all ready for the change. Because of this timetable driving it, you’ve had to give up too much too soon and before you feel fully secure in the relationship so you are in a vulnerable position in a few different ways.

In your position, I would seriously consider whether you would be better off returning home and maintaining the relationship from that distance for now and then moving when you’re ready, married and have already combined finances. You might then be ready to sell or rent your own property because your ‘home’ will be with your new DH and you’ll feel like you’re gaining from the move rather than losing so much.

I expect that your list of options had one more on it than his. I doubt very much he would have ever considered not taking the job. This indicates where his values sit. Based on what you have written here I would say his children, his career and a stable income are very important to him. Probably more important to him than forming a family with you and your child. At the end of the day he picked the job not staying with you, if it was ever an option.

For a parent children come first. As does the need to provide for them and offer stability. I wouldn’t necessarily more for a big pay rise if I had a decent job. But I wouldn’t move for a partner either and I definitely wouldn’t give up my financial independence even for marriage.

I honestly think your dissonance comes from knowing you would sacrifice your aspirations to be with him but he would not do that for you. But at the end of the day your choices are your choices. He didn’t force them on you. If he did then run. Otherwise you have to own them.

I am also with Bluntness on the issue of why you are stalling on going back to work. I don’t get how the confidence issues or the need to fix the house or the sense of mourning are so significant that you can’t make a start. I accept they exist for you but they exist for a lot of people who just don’t have the wealth or luxury to not work.

OP I have been in a similar situation and recognise the feelings of slight despondency in the face of so much change at once (house, area, job) especially in the context of fiercely maintained independence. I don’t think you have endangered yourself too much - you still have your house.

You need to keep the momentum up not sit around and pontificate; you’ll end up stewing far too much. At least while you are pontificating (and before you have a full time job) it may be worth gearing your old house up to rent so that if you run out of cash you can . Contact local agents, do you want it managed etc, rough prices, sign the paperwork, any certificates needed, get it professionally cleaned. It takes time and if you get it managed you won’t get the first month’s rent as it is lost through fees so having this all in advance would give you something to do to show him you are making moves forwards (even if you aren’t yet working) while he covers the bills etc.

I think the best way out of this is for me to be honest about what my expectations were financially for the next couple of months, but also show that I'm willing to get my arse in gear and get my work going again, and then that gives him confidence that I'm not here to play housewife and gives me a bit of time to get sorted.

You also need to be realisitic and honest about how long it is likely take you to get the business financially viable, and how much financial support you will need / expect from him while that happens. Because it does sound as if that will take more than a couple of months. If you have an open honest conversation now you will save yourself stress and pain when the two months are over and you aren't yet bringing in 2K.