DP is making me feel like shit about money.

[PrettyTricky]

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

Wow, whilst I’m not surprised at the mn obvious answers, I completely disagree.

You have obviously both communicated badly. You thought he’d pay for you and your child for a couple of months and he expected for a grown woman to take responsibility for some contribution to the household (whilst paying the lion’s share).

You own a property and have savings, yet you’re unwilling to use that to pay for a small percentage of your living costs? Plus you don’t want to rent out said property and you want a couple of months to settle in before starting building your business again?? I can see why he might be worried by that. If you were making proactive plans to set back up in business then I agree, on his 6 figure salary he could help you out (if pre-agreed), but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

You need to really talk to him and hopefully reach a solution because you’re in a tricky situation with not being married and having your child to care for too.

Failing that then maybe going ‘home’ is the answer.

Abusers aren't whip wielding ogres, op. Nobody would ever get involved with them if they were - do you think all abused women are stupid or something? We're not.

Abusers are lovely, charming, wonderful, promising you the world on a stick. They're pillars of the community, someone all your friends love, highly respected by their colleagues. Imagine how easy it would be to convict people for abuse if they were blatantly abusive in front of everyone around them.

Gradually the facade changes behind closed doors, escalating more rapidly at points where their control over you has increased - eg pregnancy, marriage, just after you give up your business/job and move away from all your support networks...

He doesn't seem to realise I'm swamped with things to do still, and it's not as simple as just starting again, it took me years to build up clients at home, and now I'm feeling very under pressure and quite depressed about it all.

He's smart enough to earn a six figure salary, but he can't figure this patently obvious stuff out. Yeh. Right.

You gave up your business, your independence, your only income source.

You uprooted yourself a significant distance away from your entire support network.

You uprooted your child. Now you feel even more intensely you have to try and make this work somehow.

As soon as you were in a vulnerable position with fewer options his behaviour changed and he began this bullshit.

Those are all textbook hallmarks of coercive control. Regardless of whether it's happening between family members, two men, two women, a man and a woman, or a woman and a man.

You're already feeling depressed about it. If that chat doesn't change things you need to seriously consider how much worse this will get and at what point you're prepared to take control and do something about it.

Don't stay because you feel you've invested too much to leave or because you're trying to get the lovely version of him back - stay because you have the lovely version of him and life is good without any abusive behaviours or warning signs.

The odd disagreement or fall out is normal, coercive and controlling behaviour is not.

Darn right you need to talk to him..

He's persuaded you to leave your own home, leave your own business, leave your own financial security, leaves you with no income, leaves you out of pocket all to follow his dream job, whilst you lose everything, but he continues to pay his Ex maintenance for a grown adult child, whilst your Son has had to move schools start all over again, because his Mum relocated with a man who wants her to pay for half of everything, with NO Income.. Fuck that OP.. you need to assess your decisions and fast.

You haven’t made good choices here OP. And he’s only a partner but you’ve given up your security to chase him round? Not just your security but your kids? He may well be an asshole but you also need to make good decisions here OP, especially with a child you’re responsible for.

Unless OP's business was location specific (eg tourist industry for a site specific to where they lived) then she should have done her market research before she committed to moving. She could have had her business (or a modified version of it for the local market if there is competition in that area) running already. Not because her DP wants that to happen but because it makes sense for her to maintain her financial independence.

Also I don’t think taking 2 months to restart the business (if OP did mean this which is what I assumed) is excessive.

Yes, I agree with that. Two months to restart a business sounds very tight to me. I'm also wary of the idea that the OP should be doing any job, regardless of what it is, just to bring in money. The trouble with this is that you can end up working until you're exhausted just to bring in enough money and then you're too exhausted to find your way back out into better work. And yes, I know many people are in this situation. I've been one of them - that's why I don't wish it on others.

So, 2 months just settling down and unpacking - unreasonable. 2 months finding your feet and sounding out the locality to think about restarting a business - totally reasonable.

Never mind what he does.

I would never give up my business to move away with a man. It is so dangerous!

He could easily break up with you/kick you out. What would you do then?

I would at least keep my business until I had a job offer in the place that he was moving to, then I would move to join him

If this was me I would get my teen back into their old school tomorrow and move back home. Start my buisness up again.

He doesn't sound like a great partner op ( you gave up your whole frigin life to move so he could progress his job! Why has he forgotten this?) but if you want to keep the relationship up, do it at a distance. See how much effort he puts in to you once your no longer ever present. If it all falls away then you have your answer AND you'll have your life.

How long have you been together?

I hate to say it but to me you both sound about equally at fault.

I don't get the whole waiting to look for work scenario. As it takes weeks or months to find something great, surely you would start job hunting online even before you move. I wouldn't expect my other half to have a job after a few weeks, but I would be very surprised if he hadn't started job hunting already. If you had no intention of looking for work till a few months in, that would have had to be made very clear in a conversation before the move.

I also find it really bizarre that you slightly sneer at him supporting his children but find it completely normal that he should be solely paying for the roof over your child's head.

If this was a woman posting about a man then people would be shouting cock lodger

A cocklodger who was busy settling the family in after a move, taking care of the teenager's needs and unpacking the house would not by definition be a cocklodger...

I also find it really bizarre that you slightly sneer at him supporting his children but find it completely normal that he should be solely paying for the roof over your child's head.

They’re a couple. The OP moved from her own independent housing (which she is still paying for) to their new home. He is supporting an adult child (his choice) but obviously the family he has chosen to set up in the present needs to have equal priority at this point.

He doesn’t realise

What the f*? Really, here is a man with a 6 figure salary and one that has been living on his own for a while that will not realise that
1- when you move, there are plenty of things to do. Does he really think all those things/organisation happen all on their own?
2- that it takes time to build a business
3- that your teen needs you to help them settle
4- that telling you he expects you ‘to pay £xx’ wo any discussion with you is an issue

I dint believe that. I think he has fallen right back onto a 1950 organisation where he is the boss because he earns the money (and see, you have moved because he is th important one!) and can call all the shots.

You were not too harsh in your OP. And you certainly dint need to be gentle with him, realise that he has tried but just doesn’t see things and all that bollocks.
If you want to have any chance for that relationship to work, you will have to be very strict your boundaries and that includes him treating you as an equal as well as treating what you do as equal importance as what he does/his job.
And this is not going to happen if you dint bite and show you mean it.

Go back to your house and leave this man alone. He's a control freak and a tightarse - and now that you've moved on with him he sees no reason to hide this.

Try to pick up where you left off with your business. Let him support his children - You support yours particularly as you moving in with this man has made you vulnerable financially, and that impacts your child too. It's just not a good set up for you. It is for him, though.

I bet he has huge outgoings and wants you to subsidise him, behind it all. Fuck that I'd be off back home no man on this earth is worth financial stress and fuss. You have a house and a business yet your tone is so apologetic as if he's doing you a favour..!

Just go home. If you stay with a man with an attitude like that you'll rue the day. When people show you who they are, believe them.

She won't, Dee, she'll have more 'chats' with him and back down. He's chosen his victim well.

Just tell him no, that wasn't the deal, you need time to build up your business again, where does he expect the money to come from etc etc. What's so hard about that? Are you scared of him? You at least have somewhere to retreat to if you need to.

Your DP is not a lovely man. If he is so obsessed with your contribution that he mentions it in phone calls/messages then he is unlikely to change his way of thinking. It will probably take a long time to build up your business to his satisfaction. You should seriously consider moving home now before it becomes more difficult because of DC's school, your house is rented out etc.

You have kids and didn't think about finances before getting with someone else and moving across the country?

You are not ‘a family’, legally, you are both single, he could leave you and your kid homeless at any time, you urgently need to dump the boyfriend and protect your kids security, keep your love life and your kids separate, did you not look into any aspect of this? You gave up all your security for a boyfriend? That’s really, really irresponsible when you have a kid.

I hate to say it, OP, but listen to lemonyellowtangerine, she talks a lot of sense.

OP,
Of course you are upset.
You have been sold an absolute pup.
He is no more a nice man.
He's put you on the wrong foot.
There is no excuse for him doing this after what you have given up.

I agree with the posters who say take him at his word.
Don't wait for a year of misery and abuse.
Get your son back into his old school pronto and return to your home and resume your business.

IMO he has massively broken your trust.
I sure as hell would not trust him now.

My ex kept bringing it up, too, 'earning your keep/crust' 'grafting', how hard he worked, he didn't care that I'd given up everything and it was a big move for me. This guy doesn't, either. He wants what he wants - the big job and her indoors who also works and hands over dosh in addition to doing all the lifework with that added bonus that they're not married so he can turf her out any time he tires of it all or she doesn't meet up to his standards.

I do see his side.
If I earned 6 figures I might be wary that you didn’t plan to work.
You’ve said you expected “a couple of months” to settle in. He didn’t have a couple of months off. You’ve got one teen. Just how boxes do you need to unpack, really?
If my plan with you was after a month you’d start working or building up your business, I wouldn’t care. But if after two weeks I got the impression you were fancying a couple of months off... I wouldn’t be impressed. Two months is taking the piss.
If you moved for him, started looking for jobs after a month and couldn’t find anything - yeah, he should cover that as the move was to benefit him. But you’re not even planning to look for two months! What are you doing all day? That could be why he’s getting edgy about it.

You should have discussed all this before you moved. And not unilaterally decided to take a 2 month holiday at his expense!

If I earned 6 figures I might be wary that you didn’t plan to work.
You’ve said you expected “a couple of months” to settle in. He didn’t have a couple of months off. You’ve got one teen. Just how boxes do you need to unpack, really?
If my plan with you was after a month you’d start working or building up your business, I wouldn’t care. But if after two weeks I got the impression you were fancying a couple of months off... I wouldn’t be impressed. Two months is taking the piss.
If you moved for him, started looking for jobs after a month and couldn’t find anything - yeah, he should cover that as the move was to benefit him. But you’re not even planning to look for two months! What are you doing all day? That could be why he’s getting edgy about it.

OP is his attitude to you is anything close to this, then I'd be leaving asap.

OP is his attitude to you is anything close to this, then I'd be leaving asap

This!
Some really weird opinions on this thread.