DP is making me feel like shit about money.

[PrettyTricky]

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

If you moved for him, started looking for jobs after a month and couldn’t find anything - yeah, he should cover that

But he hasn’t given her a month.

Today I sorted out 3 things which in theory to sort out would entail 3 phone calls.
I spent the whole day chasing around after people trying to get answers.

Those that ask how long do you need to sort out stuff I can understand how long things can take.

If he wants you back at work then he is going to have to step up. He is going to have to start when he gets in from work.

Personally I would cut my losses and go home.

I don’t think this will end well.

Don’t waste anymore time

What would happen if you got pregnant?

Go home OP

My ex kept bringing it up, too, 'earning your keep/crust'

He did not! 😂 Shocking.

How are you today OP?

I don't know how I am, I'm just tearful all the time and miss my old life. I don't know who I am here yet and I literally know no one. I think that's a big part of all of this.
I just want to go for coffee with my mum or my friends and to have my work back, I'm just homesick I guess, I really hope it will pass. I've never lived anywhere except my home town and I'm in my forties, I'm not good with moving.

We talked last night and he apologised for making me feel as though he expected to be out there earning immediately, he says that's not what he wants and that he was only trying to help me to get motivated to start my business again as I've expressed how much I'm missing my work and my clients - he doesn't understand that I'm talking about missing the work I had at home and missing my existing clients. It took years to build up relationships with them, he seems to think it's a simple thing to begin again, but in my line of work it takes a gruellingly long time to get established with anything like a meaningful or regular income, and I've lost all confidence and mojo for it right now.
I'm just not ready to contemplate it when I'm still almost mourning (although I don't want to sound too dramatic) the loss of what I loved and had. I just feel resentful that moving here has taken away my income and yet he still wants me to contribute. That's what's getting to me most, the money he thinks I should be paying monthly.

It's right that I probably should let out my old house and make an income, it's sensible. The thought of tenants wrecking it scares the shit out of me though.
As for the money he wants monthly, I don't know how to get past that. He thinks I'm holding on to my own savings and not embracing the commitment we have made to each other by keeping and finances separate. We're not married yet (planning for next year) so I definitely am self protective about my savings that I and don't want to see them totally depleted, especially when I'm not working. I'm well aware I'd be up shit creek if he dumped me or dropped dead. He can't understand this and thinks everything should be joint which I totally agree....once we are married.

I'm really starting to wonder if maybe the best thing would just be to look for a job nearby to tide me by until I can get my confidence back, and perhaps it would help me to integrate socially as well as I'm fast sinking into what feels like a depression here.

You absolutely should be holding on to your savings - he has no right to ask you to spend them. Atm you have no other cash. As you’re not married you’d be crazy to deplete those savings.

You need to renter-proof your old house - take out all the nice things you don’t want to be messed up and either put them in store or move them to your new home.

So he still thinks you should contribute from your savings?
Is that correct?
If so then please just go home.
He's trying to leave you penniless when there is absolutely no need to.
Do not dip into your savings.
You will have no escape fund if you need one!

I think I get it OP. You’ve given up everything for this and his attitude is “right, let’s get on with it” while you are feeling the need for some time to adjust. Maybe he’s not an awful man. Maybe he thinks he’s doing the “right” thing by pushing you to get out there. Or maybe he’s insensitive without meaning to be. Or he could be being manipulative. I don’t think any of us can know that with certainty as we don’t know him.

If I’m being 100% honest I’m just not sure this was the right move for you. You have given up an awful lot, for a man. How far apart is your old place from this new one? Do you have to live together? Is there really no other alternative? Regardless of whether he is being “abusive” over the money or not. This is about how you feel and I don’t think you are happy.

This is it. He wants me to use my savings and I feel like it's total bs.

I feel resentful, but then I feel guilty and wonder if aibu because he's the only one bringing home the money, and I don't want to be a freeloader. But then, we are only here to be with him and I wasn't dependant at all when I was back home.

He cannot see that my savings are sacrosanct to me, and because we intend to marry next year, he thinks that I should have enough faith to put it all into the one pot. He also has savings and he is willing to share, I don't think this is for a second about him having all the money. I'm just very frightened of being 'all in' financially without a safety net (it would be fine if we were married).

I can honestly see his point, I don't want to play a game of what's mine is mine, but as a divorced woman I'm very protective of anything I've fought tooth and nail to have and I would totally be in the crap if anything were to happen.

I think you need to be very clear and honest with him: at this point in time you are vulnerable. When you are married you will fully pool finances, no problem. You are not prepared to do it at the moment, and you are keeping your savings aside.

However, I can also see his point if he is supporting you and you are keeping money back. It’s probably a question of trust as much as money.

Just be honest about what you are and are not prepared to do, and if he doesn’t like it, go back home.

He also has savings and he is willing to share

He says he is. So why isn't he using those while you adjust?

as a divorced woman I'm very protective of anything I've fought tooth and nail to have and I would totally be in the crap if anything were to happen

If he cannot appreciate this, I would be very wary of marrying him.

So you've given up your livelihood, your friends and support network and well, your old life really. Has he given up similar?

If you're both starting out from scratch again, it can be difficult for both of you. Agree a job might be a good way to start making your own friendships and feeling a bit more settled.

As for the money he wants monthly, I don't know how to get past that

No, I'd struggle with that too. Does he actually NEED it to cover bills/rent/mortgage etc?

He's not abusive and I don't think he's manipulative either. I think our communication about this had been terrible, and I have to take my share of blame for that.
I think you're right @Asta19, his attitude is to let's get on with it, and I'm still licking my wounds. I don't think this move was right for me, although my teenager seems to really like it so far and that's a big weight off my mind at least. I'm hoping I will be able to make the best of it, as I managed to get dc into a great school here and I really don't want the disruption (not to mention humiliation) of going back. It would likely be the end of my relationship with DP if we up and left.

I have to give it a shot. I've given up a lot, I don't think I realised how much until I got here, we were wrapped up more in how great it was going to be and trying to make it an exciting adventure. I have a lot of resentment about my job which I need to deal with, I guess I feel in some way that I need to be compensated for my loss of income by being fully supported financially. I need to get over that feeling and get myself out of this funk.

Perhaps a bit of time will help. Or gin. Maybe both!

I've lost all confidence and mojo for it right now

In two weeks? Op, you could have made in roads to get new clients here before you even moved, you can't have lost your mojo in two weeks,

It sounds like you don't want to work, don't want to rent your home, and don't want to spend your savings, but expect him to pay for you and your child whilst you play house wife.

This should have been discussed up front. Clearly hr had no idea this was your expectation. Your comments to him that you'd start up again when you moved obviously led him to believe this is what you would do, and he's clearly commenting because he can see you've no desire to do so and are now telling him it's gruelling, you've lost your mojo and want him to pay for you.

Part time job maybe? Build your confidence, make a few friends and have some time to also start building up your business again?

@herculepoirot2 @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I totally agree with what you've both said, and no he doesn't actually need the money to cover bills, which makes it all the more galling.

He cannot see that my savings are sacrosanct to me, and because we intend to marry next year, he thinks that I should have enough faith to put it all into the one pot.

Fuck faith. I never take anything on faith.

Ok, I think you need to keep impressing upon him just how vulnerable you would feel using your savings. He needs to see the bigger picture here and understand that you aren’t wanting to withhold money “forever”. You just need to protect yourself and your child, while you are unmarried.

Could you look for a part time job? That way you could contribute something but also it would get you out of the house and meeting people. While still leaving time to get settled, work on starting up your business again etc. If you really want to make it work there, you need a support network nearby. Do you have any interests, that you could maybe join clubs for? And yes, I’m sure gin will help a bit

@Bluntness100 honestly, there's truth in what you've said, although I think it's more the dread of having to start all over again Ina new area and fear of potential failure than a want to be a housewife. I think there's also a sense of why should I have to. That I had a perfectly decent living that I gave up for him and therefore should be compensated for my sacrifice, which isn't exactly team playing and is frankly entitled and not the person I want to be, but I have to honestly recognise that as an emotion I am feeling - not saying it's right, it's just how I feel.
I feel like I've become essentially trailing spouse but without any of the benefits.
I think essentially it boils down to bad communication and misread expectations.

Who owns the house you are living in now?
Or if it is rented whose name is on the lease

Regardless of him needing the money or not, you should still be contributing. Why should you sit on savings while he pays for everything? Hes out working while you slob around the house all day doing nothing is going to make him question your intentions as to whether or not you plan on working. Poor man may feel he is being taken advantage of. Pay your way. Thats what savings are for.

I think the most important factor here is: whose idea was it for you to uproot yourself and your DC to move to this place? Whose idea was it that your business had to be shut down, and were any other solutions explored?
I appreciate that it may have been a matter of him being offered a promotion or relocation he could not refuse, but if all the impetus for the move was coming from him then I would seriously consider dumping him and going home. It's classic abuser territory to move the woman away from her friends/family/work and isolate her in unfamiliar territory; the addition of pressure and guilt-tripping for her to get a job - any job (but preferably a low-waged, menial one especially if she had an established career beforehand) is also part of the pattern.

Also, OP, how did he view your business before now? Did he make a lot of 'jokes' about it either being just a little hobby of yours, or were the jokes more about ball-busting career bitches? Because I can't see him having been supportive and encouraging of it...

That I had a perfectly decent living that I gave up for him and therefore should be compensated for my sacrifice

That's ok. What's wrong op is you didn't tell him that. You should have explained to him before you left you wished to be compensated and him to pay for you and your child for a period of time until you felt otherwise and let him make a decision based on this.

What's wrong is leading him to believe you were going to effectively continue to be self sufficient following your move, then as soon as you get there tell him this isn't the case and you wish financial compensation in the form of you and your child being kept.

The house we are in now is in his name. My house at home is in my name.

It was his idea for us to move here, but I agreed to it. The options were; all move, me stay at home with dc and do long distance for the next 4 years until secondary school finished, or stay where we were and his career flushes down the pan (he's a specialist in his field and this is where the work is - he'd have taken a massive pay cut to remain where we were, it simply didn't make sense).

@Bluntness100 I think you have it in a nutshell. Thanks, that's really helpful. I think that's the crux of it from both our perspectives.