DP is making me feel like shit about money.

[PrettyTricky]

Hmm, where to begin? I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here so would appreciate the feedback.

The short version is this...I have moved to a whole new part of the UK with my partner and my teenager. Teenager settling in fine, phew. Me, not so much but willing to stick it out.

We moved because of my partner's job. I gave up my business and income to move which was really tough as I'd put my heart and soul into it, but he earns a lot more than me so it made practical sense. I do feel some resentment about that, which I felt I could get over, but it's being fuelled by recent discussions.

We have only recently started sharing finances. We are both divorced and have maintained ourselves independently until now. I am not currently working, am setting up the house and getting everyone else settled, teenager into a new school, unpacking and generally making everyone else's life easier.

We have been here less than a fortnight and DP has started banging on about me contributing to the household by a set amount each month (albeit not much, just a few hundred, but a few hundred I don't have coming in) and also getting back to work.

This is grating and upsetting on a number of levels.

A) I had a perfectly good full time self employed business where I was which I gave up to support his career and not live apart. I was completely financially independent for years! I feel he's making it sound like I'm living off him, which in turn makes me feel crap.

B) I still own a property where we lived and am solely responsible for paying the continuing bills there, so am already spending savings on that. The plan is to return there for holidays etc. He doesn't contribute to its upkeep, that's all on me.

C) He has started going on about how we need the money and I need to be out working. I feel like he resents paying for me and my child. He earns 6 figures. He does have a costly outgoing as he (admirably) supports 2 children from his previous marriage (one is an adult so continuing to support his ex wife for that child is in my opinion ridiculous, but that's not worth an argument as bringing that up never ends well). I understand there is a lot of money going out, but some of that is his choice and I feel like while he doesn't mind spending on his kids, he somehow does mind spending it on our own family.

I'm really quite upset about this in the light that I've personally lost over £2k a month because of this move and now he's going on and on about pimping me back out to the labour market.
The thing is, I want to set up again here in time, I DO want to be working and out meeting people, I just didn't expect him to be so focused on getting me back out there, not to mention asking me to contribute hundreds of my savings a month when I'm not earning.

Am I right to feel like this is off, or should I be out there getting a job immediately? I'm very confused by his attitude and it's not helping with my homesickness.

Absolutely absurd that this is only being discussed now. I'd ask your partner if he would prefer you moved back home and left him there.0

Where do you see yourself in a year's time? Do you picture yourself happy in your new home?

I'm wondering if you've held on to your old house, which you have not rented out, because you unconsciously want to return there.

You are sacrificing a lot for the sake of this relationship - your home, your career, your independence, and your support network. It's hard to discern what you've gained other than closer proximity to your partner. I hope he's a great stepfather, which could be another benefit to the relocation.

It’s also worth identifying the long term costs of renting out the old home. It’s not as obvious a choice as some people make out on here.

keep pointing it all out to him. This is his doing with his agreement and now he needs to stop making you feel like shite like a giant bastard.

OP I think you need to be honest with yourself. Stop putting his feelings first, you have put all of his needs first OP, his job, his income prospects, his location, his family have all come first.

If you picked up the phone to your Mum and said, Mum I'm coming back home. You would feel tenfold better instantly right ? So do it.

It beggars belief a seemingly intelligent woman in her 40s, would uproot herself and her kids to move with a BOYFRIEND (not husband) and not even have a clear cut discussion about finances and expectations.

You are both in the wrong and it's embarrassing.

Could you compromise and find a part time job? This would give you a set income, and then you'd still have time to get your business going again. At least you'd be out meeting people, making potential contacts and also been seen as paying your way.

I get a real feeling of sadness from you OP for all that you've given up. Now you need to make the best of the new start you have and hope he is worth all the sacrifices you've made

Gosh, people are harsh!

It takes time and hard work to start a new business and they’re not always successful. It would be unrealistic of him to expect you to start contributing from the beginning.

You’ve given up practically everything to move in with this man and he’s given up nothing. Hold on to your savings. You’d be mad to hand them over to him.

I think you need to be careful. You say he’s not abusive or manipulative, but I’m not convinced.

From reading more of the thread, I’m realising that this is also about you not being happy with the move and feeling homesick and I have empathy with that.

On the other hand, something that you said has jumped out at me. You discussed how you don’t want to go all in and have a joint pot of money until you’re married (you want to protect your savings/ keep your property), yet it seems that he is expected to go all in now by paying for everything for you and your child. Am I the only one seeing the double standard here? I’m not trying to be rude, I am just confused by this. You can’t have it both ways, surely?

As for the idea of being compensated for moving across the country with him, I think that’s crazy. You’re an adult woman. You looked at your options and agreed to move with him and give up your business, you weren’t forced. Therefore, I don’t think he owes you anything. But don’t forget, he is offering to pay the larger portion of your outgoings, which I think is the right thing to do, but is also good of him considering you aren’t married and your child isn’t his.

I don't understand why people are telling OP to move back to her old home?

She has been living in this new place for 2 weeks, of course she feels unsettled and a little emotional - she's left a lot behind. That doesn't mean it was the wrong decision and she should leave her DP and move back immediately! Bloody hell.

I think you're rejecting the 'abuser' description because you're associating it with extremes but he has put you at a distinct disadvantage for his benefit with no safeguards.
He doesn't value your contribution or your business and tbh you've enabled that by giving up both so easily. Re-establishing your business would help you to regain your financial independence. Equally, moving back home would help too. Don't get up in the sunk costs fallacy. There's no humiliation in admitting something hasn't worked. It's sensible in lots of cases.

Am I the only one seeing the double standard here? I’m not trying to be rude, I am just confused by this. You can’t have it both ways, surely?

You’re absolutely right.

OP, you can’t expect him to treat you like his wife (expecting him to pay for everything for you and your child) when you’re unwilling to treat him like a husband (contributing what you can in return from your savings).

I didn’t actually mean that to sound harsh. I just think he is trying to do the right thing by paying for most things.

But, the point is, the OP is expected to go all in, but what about him? Is he also going to share his savings pot with the OP? is he going to make s joint bank account so they have equal access to family money? Is he putting her in the house deeds? I thought not! How is that fair?

LillithsFamiliar

How is he not valuing her business? OP chose to leave it to move. He’s actively encouraging her to get it started up again. He’s literally doing the opposite of what you’re suggesting he is.

But, the point is, the OP is expected to go all in, but what about him? Is he also going to share his savings pot with the OP? is he going to make s joint bank account so they have equal access to family money? Is he putting her in the house deeds? I thought not! How is that fair?

He already is sharing his money with OP by paying for everything so far and until she contributes.

OP would also need to give him joint access to her account and put his name on the deeds to her house in your scenario, to make it ‘fair’.

Neither of them valued her business because they didn't put contingency planning in place for it. He didn't listen when she said it would take time to build a new client base. She didn't try to plan to keep at least one part of it running during and through the move to a new area. There are definitely faults on both sides. And their communication has been poor as OP admits. But it is OP who has been placed at a disadvantage - financially, emotionally, socially. Neither of them factored that into their discussions or plans.

But, the point is, the OP is expected to go all in, but what about him? Is he also going to share his savings pot with the OP? is he going to make s joint bank account so they have equal access to family money? Is he putting her in the house deeds? I thought not! How is that fair?

Op has already said he is willing to share his savings and he is already sharing his salary as the OP isn’t yet contributing to the household financially.

But yes, all in should mean equal acces on both sides. Otherwise outgoings should be split however they both see fit.

Jesus Christ go home you silly woman! Anyone can see this won't end well.

And stop with the crap of your teen enjoying it. Shit hasn't even got real yet!!!

Whatever the fuck you've done, reverse it now!

He sounds like a bean counter. I have spent 10 years with one of those. Be very careful. They can be incredibly spiteful. The attitude is often, what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too!

I don't understand why people are telling OP to move back to her old home?

Because she still can. This was a poorly planned move and it's gone wrong already. She doesn't have to end the relationship if they choose not to, a long-distance relationship was an option and it's still (just about) an option.

OP,

You need to imagine exactly where you might end up financially in one year from now if this hasn't worked out.

You've used up your savings?
How might your business be going?
How are you going to support your son.
The house is in his name.

For him if ye split in a year.
He's still making great money.
He has his savings.
He has the house in his name.
Life carries on for him.

You won't have savings.
You'll still be working on setting up your business and now thinking of possibly moving again cos things have ended.
You have to find a new place to live or return to where you lived.
You have depleted your savings.

You are absolutely screwed.

You have given up everything for his earning power.

Unbelievable.

I could understand hesitation if you were married for years.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You are so vulnerable in this position.
You touching your savings should be a deal breaker.
For the sake of your son, if he doesn't get want to fully financially support you, pack up and go and spare yourself the absolute shit show that is coming your way.

This will not end well.
Protect yourself and your child.

OP I'm sorry but I just don't get a good feeling about this guy.
There's a coldness and lack of empathy I'm getting from him, and even a lack of commitment.
You've been there only two weeks, during which time you've been moving house, unpacking, setting everything up etc. You sacrificed a great deal to move with him - your entire business, friends, network, DS's school etc. He, on the other hand, has received a payrise.

If he has as much faith in the relationship as he says he does, can't he see that if upon marriage you do join your finances, then your savings will become his too? So he's asking you to spend money which will ultimately be joint.

Personally I think that at least some of his payrise (ie difference between what he could earn in the other place, versus what he is earning in the new place) should be seen as your contribution to household finances during the time you're setting up your business, since your agreement to move there enabled him to get that payrise (presuming he didn't want to move without you).

There’s a huge difference between saying he’s going to share his savings and actually doing it.

What exactly is he paying for now? Yes, housing and bills. But he’d have to pay those anyway.

Is he paying day to day expenses for the OP and her son? Does he pay for all the food shopping? Does he give the OP spending money?

I think a good person would appreciate that their partner has given up s lot to be with them and will need s little time to get on their feet financially. It’s been less than two weeks. This is crazy.

he'd have taken a massive pay cut to remain where we were, it simply didn't make sense).

And yet it made sense for you to stop earning at all and potentially decimate your savings? It made sense for you to move away from everything you've ever known and to expect your child to do the same?

A few years ago I was in a relationship with someone who lived a 3 hour journey away. He wanted me to move to his town. I wanted him to move to the city I was in. My reasoning was that the city I was in gave him plenty of job prospects and social prospects whereas the town he lived in contained nothing for me other than him. I knew that I would come to resent him if I moved there and things didn't work out for me with regard to finding work and making other social connections.

We split up. 5 years later we're both happily with other people. The vibe I get from you OP is that you're not fully prepared to trust him. That's why you're holding on to your old house and your savings. I would listen carefully to that sense of distrust and work out where it's coming from.