to wish that my daughter could respect my partner more?

[meandthem76]

Hello all

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he has lived with us for the last 18 months. I know this may seem quick, but there were various mitigating circumstances which meant we had to move in together a little sooner than we may ideally have otherwise done.

I have two daughters, aged 10 and 15, and split from their father nearly 9 years ago, during which time I had one other significant relationship but he didn't ever move in with us, so this is the first time the kids have experienced a live-in stepdad figure.

My younger daughter is largely accepting of him and they have a pretty good relationship, but my older one is becoming increasingly rude and disrespectful towards him.

I had a stepdad when I was growing up, so don't feel that I'm naive about the difficulties this situation can throw up, and I also understand that it's a really tough age for her to form any kind of attachment with someone new.

I didn't imagine that they would hit it off straight away, but her hostility levels seem to be rising despite him taking a very hands-off, passive, approach towards her. He never attempts to discipline her or encroach on her life (other than living with us which I understand is a huge change for us all) but it's making us both really sad that any attempts he makes at friendliness or chat are immediately shut down or met with derision.

I have tried to talk to her about it a lot to understand her feelings, and all she can say is everything he does annoys her, and she feels uncomfortable around him, but can't articulate why, or what I/we or anyone else could do to help. She's not up for speaking to a counsellor or therapist at the moment.

I have explained that she doesn't have to be friendly if she can't manage that, but does need to show at least a basic level of respect and courtesy - she is otherwise a good-natured and likeable girl so this relationship is obviously bringing out anger or resentment which doesn't come up elsewhere in her life. One thing I know she needs is to spend more alone time with me, which we are doing as much as we can of.

My partner understands and tolerates her behaviour towards him as much as he can but is starting to feel really quite hurt and disempowered, and I feel very stuck in the middle trying (unsuccessfully) to make everyone happy.

Does anyone have any experience of this / words of wisdom they can impart? I would be very grateful if so.

Thanks in advance x

Everyone likes to portray themselves as so perfect on here. FGS a 15 year old is old enough to understand that her mum needs companionship and yes, might have sexual needs, shock horror! I have seen the flip side where a mum is so focused on her kids to the detriment of everything else. Once they move away and start their own lives she doesn’t know what to do with herself. That’s where the interfering mother/mother in law comes from! I’ve been a single parent most of my kids lives but yes I’ve still dated and had a life of my own. Have they been irreparably scarred? Not in the slightest. We have a fantastic close relationship. Hence why both mine continued living at home till nearly 30. Despite the fact I have dated and yes, had sex on occasion too!

People are saying “wait till she goes to uni” but then you have a younger child also. Do you wait till that one goes to uni too? What if one, or both, don’t go. What if they do, and you wait until then, and then you’re posting again on here saying they don’t want to come home in the holidays as you have a partner. What do people advise then? Wait until they get married themselves?

Honestly OP I think you have done the right thing for your circumstances at the time. She will come around, 15 yr olds are testy at the best of times.

Gosh I think people are being really harsh on you OP.

I think 18 months is a pretty decent length of time to leave it before moving a partner in, tbh. I wish my DM had waited that long before moving her partner in after my parents separated when I was 15. She only waited 3 months which certainly was too soon!

I remember how at that age the adults closest to me seemed so irritating, especially when they tried too hard to be nice or ask me too many questions. Even being asked if I’d had a nice day pissed me off! If your poor DP tries too much in this way it may just be a case of your DD being a similarly stroppy teenager to how I was. Even though he means well, perhaps suggest DP doesn’t initiate too much conversation with her for the time being.

I do remember sometimes overhearing my DM and her partner having sex and really, really hated it. Made it really embarrassing and awkward for me to look him in the eye afterwards. So it’s worth being mindful of that and being as discreet as possible, extending to not having PDAs in front of her.

In time, when the peak teen awkwardness passes I suspect things will all be a lot better and one day your DD will look back and appreciate the effort that he made for her.

Thanks so much for all the positive words from all you last few respondents!

I grew up in and around many blended families and this situation would never be what I would have chosen for myself, but I feel like after 9 years of being on my own it’s ok for me to have a new partner as long as he’s a properly decent man - which he is.

For the record we are not at all tactile around the kids and very cautious about having sex when they’re around - so I don’t think that’s a primary cause of my daughter’s discomfort.

She’s just a teenage girl with lots going on who is getting her head around having him here and I feel positive that that will only improve with time, love and patience.