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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish that my daughter could respect my partner more?

153 replies

meandthem76 · 02/09/2019 12:11

Hello all

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he has lived with us for the last 18 months. I know this may seem quick, but there were various mitigating circumstances which meant we had to move in together a little sooner than we may ideally have otherwise done.

I have two daughters, aged 10 and 15, and split from their father nearly 9 years ago, during which time I had one other significant relationship but he didn't ever move in with us, so this is the first time the kids have experienced a live-in stepdad figure.

My younger daughter is largely accepting of him and they have a pretty good relationship, but my older one is becoming increasingly rude and disrespectful towards him.

I had a stepdad when I was growing up, so don't feel that I'm naive about the difficulties this situation can throw up, and I also understand that it's a really tough age for her to form any kind of attachment with someone new.

I didn't imagine that they would hit it off straight away, but her hostility levels seem to be rising despite him taking a very hands-off, passive, approach towards her. He never attempts to discipline her or encroach on her life (other than living with us which I understand is a huge change for us all) but it's making us both really sad that any attempts he makes at friendliness or chat are immediately shut down or met with derision.

I have tried to talk to her about it a lot to understand her feelings, and all she can say is everything he does annoys her, and she feels uncomfortable around him, but can't articulate why, or what I/we or anyone else could do to help. She's not up for speaking to a counsellor or therapist at the moment.

I have explained that she doesn't have to be friendly if she can't manage that, but does need to show at least a basic level of respect and courtesy - she is otherwise a good-natured and likeable girl so this relationship is obviously bringing out anger or resentment which doesn't come up elsewhere in her life. One thing I know she needs is to spend more alone time with me, which we are doing as much as we can of.

My partner understands and tolerates her behaviour towards him as much as he can but is starting to feel really quite hurt and disempowered, and I feel very stuck in the middle trying (unsuccessfully) to make everyone happy.

Does anyone have any experience of this / words of wisdom they can impart? I would be very grateful if so.

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
MerryChristmasHarry · 03/09/2019 15:28

You've chosen to impose a resident man in your daughter's home, pretty early in the relationship, without her having any choice in the matter. Her not liking it shouldn't come as any kind of shock for you: this is simply a risk you take when you make the choices you did. I hope you are able to work through it for her sake, but it may not be fixable.

callmeadoctor · 03/09/2019 15:39

Also as a 15 year old I would absolutely cringe if I thought my mother was having sex in the house with somebody. Maybe that is her thinking too?

Skittlenommer · 03/09/2019 16:03

I have explained that she doesn't have to be friendly if she can't manage that, but does need to show at least a basic level of respect and courtesy No, she doesn’t. She doesn’t owe you or especially him anything! And saying he is committed to being the best stepfather he can be is so dysfunctional at this point. You’ve not been together long in the grand scheme of things.

Asta19 · 03/09/2019 16:13

My DS moved out when he was 29. My DD lives at home at 28. Just saying!

There will never be a "right" time to move someone in. It's one thing to put the kids first but mum's deserve happiness too. I had a step mum for my early teen years and she was amazing, a far better mother than my real one!

OP your partner sounds like a decent guy and I think patience and time will go a long way.

Original poster
meandthem76 · 03/09/2019 16:22

@callmeadoctor so did your parents not have sexual intercourse once you hit your teens?

@Skittlenommer how is my partner wanting to be a decent stepfather to my kids three years into our relationship dysfunctional?

I've had some really useful advice from lots of you but I do wonder what planet/century some of you are living in! Many of my friends and family live in setups that I'm sure some of you would be horrified by - this has been a real eyeopener to me

@Asta19 - thank you, that's lovely to hear x

OP posts:
MerryChristmasHarry · 03/09/2019 16:22

Absolutely skittle. OPs DD doesn't owe anything. She is owed.

AE18 · 03/09/2019 16:23

@Skittlenommer

What a polite person you must be. Most parents encourage their children not to be rude to anyone that is not rude or unkind to them. It's not about owing anyone anything it's just having manners.

lovemenorca · 03/09/2019 16:24

so have always tried my hardest to not make the same mistakes as my parents.

OP you might be trying not to, but you are making mistakes. And fairly big ones.

Moving a man in to the home of two teenage girls is that they would have known for a very short period of time (you say 18 months after you met. Presumably you waited some time before introducing them to the girls, and then they would have likely only really spent infrequent time with him) is simply not on.

However you slice it - the fact is you have made a mistake.

Will your daughter be likely going to university in a couple of years and moving out? Could it be that your partner moves out until then? Yes, big change and most definitely putting your daughter above your partner (and you), but it would truly be prioritising your daughter for these couple of Years

MerryChristmasHarry · 03/09/2019 16:33

Other people choosing to move partners in with their family as soon or sooner than you did means absolutely nothing OP. You made a bad decision and are reaping the consequences. The other people you mention are irrelevant, however modern you think you're being.

ADUTT7 · 03/09/2019 16:33

Just keep the dialogue open. She Is 15 and they can be hard work for their own parents at that age let alone someone who is not their family. Personally I think you have a right to a life.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 03/09/2019 16:41

I honestly don't believe having a loving secure partner who makes me really happy and is trying his best to be a positive influence on my children is as catastrophic a development as some of you seem to think.

Your daughter is telling you that it is. Very loudly. You're sticking your fingers in your ears because YOU'RE happy. How on earth can you claim you put your children first?

lovemenorca · 03/09/2019 16:42

I honestly don't believe having a loving secure partner who makes me really happy and is trying his best to be a positive influence on my children is as catastrophic a development as some of you seem to think.

But for one fleeing omission
Your child doesn’t like him

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 03/09/2019 16:45

This thread is so bloody sad. That poor girl.

Going to give my mum a hug and thank her for never doing this to me.

Original poster
meandthem76 · 03/09/2019 16:47

@MerryChristmasHarry "Modern"? These are most certainly your words, not mine.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, I wasn't talking specifically about how quickly or otherwise other people move their partners in - but I'm certainly surprised at how rigid some people's notions of family seem to be.

I've been upfront throughout this thread about the fact that I've made mistakes in how I've handled this situation, and my question was about how I can fix things as they stand.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasHarry · 03/09/2019 16:53

I think modern was a reasonable inference to draw from what you wrote, given that you asked what century people were living in. But in order to allow us to focus on the actual point, let's stick to your exact wording. You ask what planet the posters who've criticised you live on, and tell us that you know people whose setups they'd be horrified by. Irrelevant, especially if you weren't talking about how quick a partner is moved in.

My own view, as previously stated, is that it might not be fixable. By all means try, and you've had good advice, but really there's no guarantee this will work. It may be that there simply isn't any way for your child to live happily with your mistake.

KatherineJaneway · 03/09/2019 16:58

Have the house rules or habits changed since he moved in. You said your dd calls him straight and boring, I wonder whether that has impacted what you do in your home.

lovemenorca · 03/09/2019 16:58

, and my question was about how I can fix things as they stand.

He moved out until she is 18

Skittlenommer · 03/09/2019 17:06

how is my partner wanting to be a decent stepfather to my kids three years into our relationship dysfunctional?

Because he’s not their stepfather, he’s a guy you’re shacking up with so you could afford to stay in your house. Additionally, he’s assuming a role your daughter doesn’t want him to take on. How presumptuous of him and you! You’ve not been together that long and moved him in way too quickly! I feel sorry for your daughter!! I really do!

Original poster
meandthem76 · 03/09/2019 17:57

Ok, I have now definitely had enough of the judgey comments and over the top sentiments about how sorry some of you feel for my (otherwise perfectly happy and well adjusted!) daughter.

She has never been subject to any abuse of any kind (having a partner move in too soon isn't abuse btw), has two very loving parents and wider family, a great circle of friends, and irrespective of how my /her relationship with my bf evolves, I am very confident that she will be just fine, as we will work through it together.

I've made some mistakes, as I'm sure we all have, and will take onboard all of the useful advice I've been given moving forward to improve things for my family.

OP posts:
lovemenorca · 03/09/2019 18:19

otherwise perfectly happy and well adjusted!

And there it is OP. Right in front of you.

He is making her feel “uncomfortable” (your words” and she’s feeling anger at resentment.

It’s not a wide issue. It’s a specific issue.

And you don’t want to face it

Original poster
meandthem76 · 03/09/2019 18:28

@lovemenorca oh please stop now.

I have said very clearly, several times, that I acknowledge my mistakes and am facing the situation head-on. She is struggling with being around him a bit at the moment but my point was that it is not affecting her too adversely otherwise - so hopefully their relationship will begin to improve once I have given her the love and reassurance she needs. If not, we will work on fixing it.

The end.

OP posts:
WestBerlin · 03/09/2019 18:37

I don’t think it’s about traditional or modern at all, it’s about your daughter’s unhappiness at the situation.

You’ll do what you want to sort this, but do know that your daughter, although to you happy and adjusted, may tell a different story and make her choices accordingly in the future.

lovemenorca · 03/09/2019 20:08

Ok OP, just crack on. You want what you want, even if that means your eldest daughter feels uncomfortable unhappy and angry on her own space.

Not what I or, as this thread confirms, most mothers would do. But each to their own. Of course you’ve admitted you’ve made mistakes, not quite sure what that actually means in practical terms for your daughter, but there we go. Good luck

AE18 · 03/09/2019 20:26

Don't take it to heart OP. People are acting like you're being unusual or shocking by even considering living with a partner when you have kids, despite the fact that second marriages and blended families have always been and remain a firmly established and accepted concept and many people even go on to have more children with their second partner and have a happy, functional family life.

Don't let them convince you the whole world thinks blended families are an abomination if they have a rocky start, because it's not true. All you need to do is be mindful and compassionate of your daughters feelings, there's nothing wrong with what you've done.

callmeadoctor · 03/09/2019 21:56

As you ask, did my parents have sex when I was 15? I don't believe they did actually, but then they had been married a long time and maybe it was few and far between. Nobody believes that their parents do it, do they? However when your mum moves in with a new boyfriend, mmmm a 15 year old would probably be embarrassed if they heard anything going on I guess. I am only mentioning this as you say your daughter has started treating your boyfriend badly, as a suggestion as to what it could be by the way!!!

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