to wish that my daughter could respect my partner more?

[meandthem76]

Hello all

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he has lived with us for the last 18 months. I know this may seem quick, but there were various mitigating circumstances which meant we had to move in together a little sooner than we may ideally have otherwise done.

I have two daughters, aged 10 and 15, and split from their father nearly 9 years ago, during which time I had one other significant relationship but he didn't ever move in with us, so this is the first time the kids have experienced a live-in stepdad figure.

My younger daughter is largely accepting of him and they have a pretty good relationship, but my older one is becoming increasingly rude and disrespectful towards him.

I had a stepdad when I was growing up, so don't feel that I'm naive about the difficulties this situation can throw up, and I also understand that it's a really tough age for her to form any kind of attachment with someone new.

I didn't imagine that they would hit it off straight away, but her hostility levels seem to be rising despite him taking a very hands-off, passive, approach towards her. He never attempts to discipline her or encroach on her life (other than living with us which I understand is a huge change for us all) but it's making us both really sad that any attempts he makes at friendliness or chat are immediately shut down or met with derision.

I have tried to talk to her about it a lot to understand her feelings, and all she can say is everything he does annoys her, and she feels uncomfortable around him, but can't articulate why, or what I/we or anyone else could do to help. She's not up for speaking to a counsellor or therapist at the moment.

I have explained that she doesn't have to be friendly if she can't manage that, but does need to show at least a basic level of respect and courtesy - she is otherwise a good-natured and likeable girl so this relationship is obviously bringing out anger or resentment which doesn't come up elsewhere in her life. One thing I know she needs is to spend more alone time with me, which we are doing as much as we can of.

My partner understands and tolerates her behaviour towards him as much as he can but is starting to feel really quite hurt and disempowered, and I feel very stuck in the middle trying (unsuccessfully) to make everyone happy.

Does anyone have any experience of this / words of wisdom they can impart? I would be very grateful if so.

Thanks in advance x

You forced her to live with an unrelated man that she didn't want to live with. Hes happy to impose. She's trapped in that situation until she's old enough to leave. Why on earth do you think she owes him respect?

She doesn't like him. She doesn't have to like him. She doesn't need a reason for this. We don't like everyone and sometimes there isnt a reason.

Most of the time we aren't forced to live with someone we don't like. He moved in and she didn't want that to happen. It's not easy to be nice to some one you don't like when you are forced to live with them.

I left home at 18 because my mum decided my 2nd step dads, by then, were much more important than mine. Never mind he would be my 3rd 'father' in 14 years.

Some adulta put new partners before their kids much more than people realise then wander why their kids aren't interested in them any more....

This happened to me at almost exactly the same age. He moved in for Visa reasons, he was from abroad. I'd met him literally a handful of times. Hated him, hated the situation, felt like I was a stranger in my own home. Felt homesick with no home to return to. He also wasn't a nice person. Thankfully my mum eventually figured that out after my teenage years had been spent miserable because of his constant presence.

Definitely talk to her and see about counselling - but you may need to accept she simply isn't happy.

Oh yes then we were forced to leave our housing association home to a home owned by his parents. Yes I had my own room but he would just come in whenever he liked regardless to what I was doing and use my computer. Even when I was asleep! Use me to look after their shared child, my brother, who I love but no longer see as me and her are no contact. Beggars belief she has now divorced him. she literally blew our lives apart for another man. Once wasn't enough, no twice was much better

Oh and he used to scream in my face because he was bi polar. I ran for the fucking hills as soon as I could

Sorry op but I feel pretty strongly about this. I'm going to steo away from your thread because it's actually brought out the rage in me.

I think it’s an especially tough age. She would have been 13-14 when he moved in? So she is dealing with puberty and suddenly there is a strange man in her house and she has to think about what she is wearing when she comes down to breakfast or how covered she is when she walks from the shower back to her room. I think that could be very stressful for some young teens. Add in that she now has to deal with another adult making decisions, even if he is trying to avoid parenting her.

I’m not sure where the solution lies. Spending lots of time with her is a good idea. Maybe ask her if there are any house rules that could be put in place that would make things work more smoothly for her?

This is a bit left field OP, but I think reading and discussing books about blended families might be the way to go.

Anne Fine wrote a good book for teens called Step By Wicked Step. And for adults I recommend Other People’s Children by Joanna Trollope. I think through reading about fictionalised experiences it becomes easier to discuss your own.

Or it could simply be that she doesn't feel comfortable around him as a person. That is not a possibility you should ignore.

This with bells on.

If one of your previous lodgers made you feel uncomfortable OP (even if you couldn’t put your finger on exactly why they made you feel like that) would you have let them stay or would you have asked them to leave? In all honesty, what would you have done?

These kind of posts always get tons of comments from people going out of their way to slate the man as if he has actually done something wrong by offering to help his partner with a financial problem and take on and be patient with two children at a difficult age to facilitate a loving relationship with their mother. He's not done anything wrong and it's unkind to talk about him as if he has.

Personally I don't think 18 months is laughably quick, that's long enough to know you plan on it being long term, many couples are engaged by then.

She may feel it's too soon, but honestly she might always have felt it's too soon and complained regardless. You have been separated from her dad for a long time and there's nothing wrong with being happily in love.

If it is just him being in your life that makes her uncomfortable and not a safeguarding issue then it is something she needs to respect regardless of her personal feelings.

The reality is some on here will feel that it's unreasonable to expect a child who yes had no choice in the matter to live in a house with a new life partner. Not everyone thinks this is out of line though, many more people do it than live apart until their children move out. If you are of the mindset that this is a reasonable expectation then you need to stick to your guns about being respectful. She can decide for herself whether she wants to build a close bond with him and of course you should be respectful of her space - ie her bedroom, but the house is a communal space for the family and you are choosing to make him part of yours. Outside of the totally private sphere of her bedroom, she needs to be polite, bad manners are never acceptable.

You’re welcome.

You say she thinks your dp is straight and boring. Is her father very different? Does your dp engage with her? Show interest in her interests?

YABU. I feel sorry for your daughter. She's feels uncomfortable sharing her home with a man her mother's rushed into a relationship. But you seem to worry more about her "respecting her poor forgotten boyfriend than the feelings of her own flesh and blood.

Move him out. It’s not what’s right for you kids.

My mother ànd father separatedp when I was twelve. My mother moved wankarse one in when they got married when I was 15. I went to live 80% with my grandparents. By the time I was 17 they were separated. She had already met wankarse 2. I left home at 18 and never went back.

My DC are 24 and 21. Have been with DH for nearly 30 years. One thing I've learnt OP. You never, ever, mess your children about. Money is completely irrelevant; caravan is better than a new bloke.

I think it's really interesting that people have picked up on the issue of teenagers simply being uncomfortable with their mother having sex, rather than uncomfortable with the living situation, yet feel that is a reasonable qualm.

I remember when I was a teenager, many of my peers echoed this sentiment - they were disgusted and offended, and I mean genuinely offended, by the concept of their parents having sex. To the point that they truly believed it shouldn't happen. It baffled me even at the time - I obviously didn't want a blow by blow but would have hoped that my parents had a happy, fulfilling sexual and romantic life.

I do think this is a very real mentality that is often the driving force behind a teenagers attitude in this situation. You have hinted that you get that vibe from her OP, and if so I definitely don't believe you should need to pander to it. There could be other matters at play and she needs to be asked and you need to be watching carefully to judge whether you think there are, but if this is her mindset then it is not reasonable.

You haven't done anything wrong OP. Teenagers can be grumpy and try to be controlling. You've all been through tough stuff. She'll get over it.

The problem with the attitude that kids have to suck it up and get over it works in the short term, up until the point where they can vote with their feet and are free to choose to have a relationship with you or not.

My mother was shocked beyond belief that the child with no choice grew into an adult that cut her off.

That’s just the thing though @Peanutbutterforever she may very well NOT just get over it.

I’m not saying OP has done anything wrong here but clearly her DD is struggling with the new living situation and if OP wants to continue to have a healthy long lasting relationship with her DD she needs to think carefully about how she responds to this situation.

totally committed to being the best stepparent he can be

What's more important - your relationship with your daughter or this man's desire to be her stepdad whether she wants one or not?

You talk about her being disrespectful, but you've been bloody disrespectful to her.

Aside from everything else, it should be down to her whether she considers him a stepdad or just your boyfriend. It's not his choice and it's not yours. If he's as great as you say he'll understand that.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

Children first. Always

YABVU

In what way is she “disrespectful”?

I think the absolute max that can be asked is that she is civil. No matter how much space she has at her dad’s house, she still has to cope with a stranger in her home the rest of the time.

PS is it better to say to her “this was a financial decision and he doesn’t have to be your step dad”?

I don't think after 18 months and all these changes he should even be mentioned as stepdad material

I still haven't changed my mind,he could be the most wonderful,genuine person on the planet, if my child was struggling, she'd be my priority and focus.

I still, no matter who it's been explained, can't get over this hole situation.

She's 15! And she is uncomfortable with a near enough stranger walk into her life and home

Why are you putting a "boyfriend" on your mortgage and having him move into your house? If you want your child to think you have a legitimate relationship, why haven't you gotten married? This is going to seem very unbalanced and uncomfortable for a teenaged girl. She is going to think you are weak and that you put your desire to please him over her safety and caring for her future. As a mother, it's your job to be a tigress protecting your kids. Your behavior is scaring her.

Oh--and it isn't just getting married. It's making sure that the focus is on having adults act like adults and earning respect, rather than demanding it.