to wish that my daughter could respect my partner more?

[meandthem76]

Hello all

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he has lived with us for the last 18 months. I know this may seem quick, but there were various mitigating circumstances which meant we had to move in together a little sooner than we may ideally have otherwise done.

I have two daughters, aged 10 and 15, and split from their father nearly 9 years ago, during which time I had one other significant relationship but he didn't ever move in with us, so this is the first time the kids have experienced a live-in stepdad figure.

My younger daughter is largely accepting of him and they have a pretty good relationship, but my older one is becoming increasingly rude and disrespectful towards him.

I had a stepdad when I was growing up, so don't feel that I'm naive about the difficulties this situation can throw up, and I also understand that it's a really tough age for her to form any kind of attachment with someone new.

I didn't imagine that they would hit it off straight away, but her hostility levels seem to be rising despite him taking a very hands-off, passive, approach towards her. He never attempts to discipline her or encroach on her life (other than living with us which I understand is a huge change for us all) but it's making us both really sad that any attempts he makes at friendliness or chat are immediately shut down or met with derision.

I have tried to talk to her about it a lot to understand her feelings, and all she can say is everything he does annoys her, and she feels uncomfortable around him, but can't articulate why, or what I/we or anyone else could do to help. She's not up for speaking to a counsellor or therapist at the moment.

I have explained that she doesn't have to be friendly if she can't manage that, but does need to show at least a basic level of respect and courtesy - she is otherwise a good-natured and likeable girl so this relationship is obviously bringing out anger or resentment which doesn't come up elsewhere in her life. One thing I know she needs is to spend more alone time with me, which we are doing as much as we can of.

My partner understands and tolerates her behaviour towards him as much as he can but is starting to feel really quite hurt and disempowered, and I feel very stuck in the middle trying (unsuccessfully) to make everyone happy.

Does anyone have any experience of this / words of wisdom they can impart? I would be very grateful if so.

Thanks in advance x

You know ... I have to say that when I was 15, I would have hated having someone in the house all the time who wasn't part of my actual family and who I hadn't chosen, if you see what I mean. From your daughter's point of view, it must be like having an uninvited guest in the house all the time. Regardless of how nice he is, you chose him and she didn't.

That doesn't mean, of course, that it's OK for her to be rude to him - and I suspect she will grow out of that anyway. But you must understand that just because you love him, your daughters aren't obliged to feel the same. All I can suggest is that you make sure she has lots of opportunities to talk to you, that you're not trying to force her to bond with him, and that you and her have plenty of one-to-one time too.

I’m surprised both your dds don’t know why he moved in tbh. I definitely think you should explain that to her now. Of course she’s at a pretty selfish age but hopefully she will listen even if she doesn’t respond.

I imagine the line to take would be empathising with her about the situation of feeling like her home was taken over and getting that it must be tough for her. Then explain he cared enough about all of you including her and her sister to assist you to stay in your home and school.

Telling her you know this wasn’t a perfect solution for her and telling her your dp is trying to give her as much space as he is able whilst still enjoying the place he now calls home may help perhaps.

I was a step child and hated living with my step parent. You have no where to go, no money, no security, no privacy and you cannot be yourself in your own home. That is the worse bit. You can't just chill, hang out, just be yourself in the place where you are supposed to feel safest. I know people divorce and get married again but unfortunately this is often the consequence. When I was 18 I got a job in a hotel overseas and left and have never gone back.

Oh and ask her if there is anything he could do to help her.

Thanks @mummyoflittledragon all great advice

Why do some women put boyfriends overr their children.

Presumably the lodgers weren't bonking her mum - it really doesn't matter if you live in Brighton or in Downtown Abbey, no 15 year old wants to live with someone who is sleeping with their mum.

Lodgers leave. Lodgers often stick to their own rooms (and in some cases that is contractual). No parent would expect their child to respect the lodger more. Lodgers don't have a claim on the house they are living in.

Lodgers weren’t there when she was a teenager plus a lodger isn’t the same as Mum’s boyfriend...

Having a live in step-Dad from a young age is very different to suddenly having one move in when you are a teenager. 15 is a difficult age at the best of times, she probably feels awkward having him around.

I don’t think moving a boyfriend in after 18 months is normal out of order however in this circumstance no one was ready to make the move. The Op and her boyfriend have thrust it on everyone and that’s the difference.

As an aside, we had years of having lodgers when I was single, most of whom were male friends, who she was really comfortable around and actually says she now misses, so I think it's the family dynamic having changed, rather the newness of having a man in the house, that she is objecting to.

Or it could simply be that she doesn't feel comfortable around him as a person. That is not a possibility you should ignore.

It's not ideal but it seems your assets are legally protected. If you'd sold up and moved she'd hate you for that too. I agree with a PP she needs to know why he moved in so fast, and trust is not what you would've chosen, but not in a way that makes it seem like she should be eternally in his debt.

Yes sorry, I think that's what I was trying to explain not particularly well - that it's not having a man shes doesn't know that well in the house - but one I am in a relationship with. And yes, I fear that it is that she just doesn't especially click with him - she thinks he is 'straight' and 'boring' - which are two of the things I like best about him! (That he is reliable and makes me feel safe and isn't remotely unhinged).

All a work in progress but have certainly got some clarity through this discussion, so thank you all.

I don't have any experience to impart but think you're getting a hard time on here OP and wanted to show you some support. From what you have told us moving your DP in was the best option otherwise you and your girls would have had to move from their childhood home at a very difficult time for you all-I am sorry to hear about your Mum too.

Mumsnet hate people moving their partners in unless you’ve been dating for 25 years and they meet the children once a week for 2 supervised visits for another 20 years.... anyway...

I think yep it’s hard. She doesn’t like the fact her mums her own person, with an adult relationship (it’s probably a bit like she doesn’t like seeing you as a sexual person in your own right, just as she is becoming a grown up herself). She doesn’t like someone being in her space. And so on.

But you know what, this is normal life for most people on the planet. He sounds like a decent person, you haven’t known him for 6 weeks or something, he wants to be part of the family. Could be a lot worse. At 15 give it a few months and your dd will probably be so busy socialising and living her own social life that what happens with you won’t be such an issue.

All you can do is keep being nice, make time just for you and her, don’t force her to be around your dp. Build the relationship between them both slowly, go out and do stuff together.

I was your dd. I was absolutely vile to all my mums - lovely- boyfriends because being honest I found it weird she had a love life and it made me uncomfortable. They all left as I was so vile and she lived the rest of her life alone. Sure not all of that was my fault - certainly when I became an adult, but I ruined many happy relationships for her.

I am remarried and dh is a great step dad to my dd aged 16 and we have a ds together too. There are lots of perfectly happy step families out there, despite the faff they get on mumsnet. It is hard work at times but then all families are!

No parent would expect their child to respect the lodger more.

More than what?

Goodness what drama. She knew him 18 months before he moved In and has known him 18 months since. That's plenty of time, she isn't a baby. She has every right not to like him, she has every right to feel pushed out of her mums life, she even has every right to feel uncomfortable. But she does not have the right to disrupt 3 other people's lives just because she can.

Teens are selfish, it's all about them (quite rightly). Firstly you need to take her out and have a chat to her. Is there a reason she feels as she does? Or is it 'just different'? If it's the first you will have to decide what to do based on what she says, if it's the latter then she needs to be told firmly and kindly that you are entitled to a life too and, whilst you can't make her like him, you do expect her to be civil.

Of course this could be nothing more than normal teenage angst and drama in which case it's best ignored.

Op just to tell you that you don't automatically lose the house if a debtor you are associated with goes bankrupt. In your case the official receiver can choose to defer the sale of a house especially in your situation, having separated from your husband (the debtor) and having dependant children.
I was in a similar position and the house was not sold. You really should have investigated other options as your eldest daughter really didn't need your partner moving in. Your ex husband equally needed better advice.

I also made the mistake of moving someone in after 2 years together. It didn't work (for a whole host of reasons which are not relevant here).

I was also raised with multiple stepfathers and it's totally shit.

I get your situation, I really do. But parenting teens is hard. She had no choice and ultimately that's why she's acting up. It's the only power she has.

However, what's done is done. Does she understand the reasons why? If not perhaps you should explain that it was more a financial decision and that the alternative was to potentially lose your home?

‘MN is against step families’ - well no, but if a lot of people are there’s usually a reason for that. Some of us have lived the unhappy ones, and that’s the experience we’re going to share. I’m sure there are happy ones, but that doesn’t negate the damage that unhappy ones can inflict, usually on the children who have no say in the matter.

Oh gosh I remember being that age and being horrendously aware that in a new relationship I may end up accidentally hearing my mums bedrooms antics through the wall. It made me so angry and I can't really articulate why, even now. Your daughter is at the hardest age right now and even the little things will be causing huge amounts of distress for her. Just try to be patient and give her space.

Blimey. Lots of judgemental posts here. We are talking about 18 mo the before they moved in not 18 weeks. Don’t feel bad OP. You asked your stable OH to support you financially so your family could remain in their home at their request. Sounds to me that she is just playing up because she can. She is 15 not 5 so should be able to communicate why he makes her uncomfortable.

@meandthem76

I really do feel for your DD in this situation, I can appreciate why you had to speed things along with regards to moving in though I would agree it was perhaps a bit soon. I know you said you discussed it with your DD’s but did you give them a choice? Did you give them any say in the matter? I know ultimately it’s not their decision but just feeling like you have a choice in the matter can make all the difference to how they might feel about the situation.

As a teen I was your DD and I can tell you it was extremely difficult adjusting to the new dynamic and I left home at 16 and I never did return to it.

Your relationship with your DD is crucial here, how you deal with this now will affect your relationship greatly and has the capacity to impact upon it for a very long time.

It is important that she feels heard, that her opinions and feelings on this are valued and that you as her mother show her you care about it and about her. For her she has literally just been pushed down the pecking order in her own home (not how you might view it, but she will) there is now another adult to defer to. So while she’s feeling pushed out/pushed down she’s watching you all loved up with all the newness of a new partner and it’s bound to create difficult feelings.

For perspective I will tell you that if as you say your partner is a decent man and is hands off/treats her well and respects her, how she is behaving towards him is more about punishing you than it is about punishing him. This is why she can’t articulate what behaviours he has that are annoying her, it’s because it’s not him its you. She’s angry with you, because now you get to be happy having him live there, but she’s not happy having him live there and she’s making this known in the only way she knows how. The dynamic has changed and it’s changed for her much more than you think and at a time in her life that is already difficult to deal with for a teenage girl. She will be more protective and possessive of you and your time with/for her than you will realise. This was ok when she didn’t have to live with it, but now that she does it’s different and she’s clearly finding it difficult.

I’m not saying you sling your partner out but it’s really very very important that you make your DD very much aware that she is your priority and that you make every effort to spend time with her. By all means continue to call her out on bad behaviour but it’s also important to try and understand where it may come from and why and be sensitive to that.

Tell your partner to keep to the hand off approach hopefully when DD adjusts and things settle she will hopefully develop a relationship with him on her own terms when she is ready.

This is an interesting one. I have two daughters - now 14 (nearly 15) and 12. Their mum moved a new man in with them 4 months after she'd met him, 2 months after they'd met him, and when they'd met him only a handful of times. Which was appallingly fast - so it could be worse! But I do agree with others that you moved your fella in too fast - not necessarily in terms of the pure timing, but because it happened before your daughter was comfortable with it. That's the critical thing here, and that's what you should have listened to when making that decision.

It's too late now to undo that. So, to focus on practical steps that you could take now - you do still have choices. Currently, you're choosing option 1 below (by default). That may continue to be your choice (or it may not), but it helps to recognise that you're making a choice every day.

When making your choice, your attitude will steer which direction you go in. I do worry about the way you described this issue - you seem far more focussed on the way this is all affecting you and your partner (because she is "disrespecting him") than on the fact that your daughter is struggling. You need to decide what's most important to you in all of this, and it is worth remembering that your daughter gets one shot at her teens, and you get one shot at your relationship with her during these critical formative years, as she becomes her own person.

So, what could you do?

1. You could prioritise your relationship and the finances. Keep things as they are, but make small changes to try and make things easier for your daughter. More 121 time with you. Trying to find common ground between her and your partner. Trying to agree ways of living that work for everyone - my own girls have very little to do with their mum's husband when they're there. That's their decision - they aren't too keen on him, but they get around that by largely ignoring him. He and their Mum seem to accept that - it's not ideal, but it's an option to simply reduce your expectations and muddle through. To be honest, muddling through sounds like pretty much what you've been doing. With a mindset where you truly empathise with where your daughter is coming, you might make some better progress. But I wouldn't expect miracles - it hasn't worked so far. And don't expect your daughter to grow up feeling that you were a mum who always put her first, with this approach.

1. Prioritise your daughter's wellbeing, while preserving your relationship and financial position. Here, you'd recognise that your home setup is not currently working for your daughter, and explore her spending a higher proportion of her time with her dad - perhaps even living there full time, but with the option of visiting you or staying overnight whenever she wants to. With the pressure off your home situation, the times when she chooses to visit and / or stay may be much smoother than when she feels she has to tolerate this person whom she doesn't really like, living in her home. This makes sure that she is comfortable in her own home. It could potentially improve your and your partner's relationship with her by taking the pressure off. But you'd need to be very careful that she doesn't end up feeling like you've rejected her in favour of your partner. Of course, she may go this qay herself eventually. My daughters are increasingly showing up on my doorstep with their friends during their mum's time, because they just feel more at home here.

1. You put her needs first. Keep your relationship, but agree that you need to live apart until your daughter is older and has flown the nest. That would be difficult financially, and your partner may not be too chuffed (indeed, may not be willing to continue the relationship), but it is the option that prioritises your daughter's wellbeing above everything else.

Your daughter is old enough for you to have an honest conversation with her and with other members of the family around these choices, and see how she feels. It will be important to listen without judgement, and put any hurt feelings you may have to one side.

Sorry - that was long. But I figured I'd try to offer some sort of practical solution based on my girls' experiences, rather than just telling you that you got it wrong when he moved in!

Also agree that you’re getting a hard time here, OP and wanted to say it sounds like you’re trying your best to manage a difficult situation. Also wanted to push back against the idea that all 15-year-olds feel “x” way about their parents splitting up. I moved out with my mother when I was 15 (to another country, even!) and would’ve welcomed her finding a partner she could settle down with. That’s not to say your DD should automatically feel the same way I do, just to suggest that her response is not the only one possible for a teenager.

I agree with pp who suggest asking her directly what would help. She might not be able to articulate it and that’s okay too but perhaps it’ll start her thinking. I also think it’s a good age to start to come to terms with the idea that you are not the centre of the universe. Maybe she’ll come round, maybe she won’t. As long as she knows you love her, even if she doesn’t like your DP.

As long as she knows you love her, even if she doesn’t like your DP.

But if she doesn’t like your OP
And you’re forcing her to live with someone she doesn’t like
I think she’s going to doubt your love

I’m a single parent. Not. A. Chance. In. Hell. I’d move a man in, especially during such formative sensuous years, particularly if they didn’t like that person.

Mother first. Girlfriend second.