to wish that my daughter could respect my partner more?

[meandthem76]

Hello all

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he has lived with us for the last 18 months. I know this may seem quick, but there were various mitigating circumstances which meant we had to move in together a little sooner than we may ideally have otherwise done.

I have two daughters, aged 10 and 15, and split from their father nearly 9 years ago, during which time I had one other significant relationship but he didn't ever move in with us, so this is the first time the kids have experienced a live-in stepdad figure.

My younger daughter is largely accepting of him and they have a pretty good relationship, but my older one is becoming increasingly rude and disrespectful towards him.

I had a stepdad when I was growing up, so don't feel that I'm naive about the difficulties this situation can throw up, and I also understand that it's a really tough age for her to form any kind of attachment with someone new.

I didn't imagine that they would hit it off straight away, but her hostility levels seem to be rising despite him taking a very hands-off, passive, approach towards her. He never attempts to discipline her or encroach on her life (other than living with us which I understand is a huge change for us all) but it's making us both really sad that any attempts he makes at friendliness or chat are immediately shut down or met with derision.

I have tried to talk to her about it a lot to understand her feelings, and all she can say is everything he does annoys her, and she feels uncomfortable around him, but can't articulate why, or what I/we or anyone else could do to help. She's not up for speaking to a counsellor or therapist at the moment.

I have explained that she doesn't have to be friendly if she can't manage that, but does need to show at least a basic level of respect and courtesy - she is otherwise a good-natured and likeable girl so this relationship is obviously bringing out anger or resentment which doesn't come up elsewhere in her life. One thing I know she needs is to spend more alone time with me, which we are doing as much as we can of.

My partner understands and tolerates her behaviour towards him as much as he can but is starting to feel really quite hurt and disempowered, and I feel very stuck in the middle trying (unsuccessfully) to make everyone happy.

Does anyone have any experience of this / words of wisdom they can impart? I would be very grateful if so.

Thanks in advance x

I acted like your dd when I was in that situation years ago .....
No advice
All I knew was that he made me feel uncomfortable in my own home and it was horrid having him there

I honestly can't believe the comments or " she'll get over it " !
I don't actually quite know what to say to that?

Just because she's a teenager she should just shut up and put up ? With someone she barely even knows.

Oh so she has her bedroom that makes it all ok and her feelings disappear?

My mum was with someone for 13 years and always she made sure me and my brother could come to her whenever, for whatever reason if at all we had any problems. About 5/6 months before they split something happened with him and me that still haunts me and I'll never tell her for knowing what that would do to her. He turned out to be a fucking liar and bastard and had fooled all of us and everyone else found out afterwards, but if at ANY point me or my sibling had an issue regardless she'd have listened to us and we'd have come first. In some ways I wish I'd have said but luckily she got rid.

Dont ever say a child should " get over it " - it's not always the case and any concerns or feelings shouldn't be dismissed

Look, I get how tough this is with the current housing and economic situation.
But honestly, even my cat would move out if a strange man moved in.
It's not on.
You should have discussed and agreed with your DD whom you house share with.

As for the mortgage situation.... well there goes her inheritance. You've basically given away half of your assets which will probably go to his next girlfriend or children.

Wise up OP. It seems like your DD is thoroughly pissed off with very good reason.

I think it’s an especially tough age. She would have been 13-14 when he moved in? So she is dealing with puberty and suddenly there is a strange man in her house and she has to think about what she is wearing when she comes down to breakfast or how covered she is when she walks from the shower back to her room.

This was me as a child. Plus my mother and stepdad were really physically demonstrative - lots of snogging and he would always bee grabbing her arse - and it was all just gross! I didn’t want to be there either. Now that I’m an adult I have a superficially functional relationship with them but we’re not close, I’d never go to them with a problem.

Going through puberty with a man living in house who is a non biologically-related male is weird and awkward.

I'm not sure if this has been asked/ or answered but did you actually consult with your children before he moved in and actually take on board anything they might have had to say or say?

I still think you're out of order

I can't believe the flack the OP is getting here.

Everyone making comments like this:

Could you not of put the kids first ,and lived together when they have left home?

Are you actually serious? Her youngest child was 1 when she split with their dad. You expect her to refrain from cohabiting with anyone new for the next 17 years minimum (until kids have left home)?!

So after a failed relationship, the onus is on the woman to remain single, and heaven forbid cohabite / marry again and have further children?

You're basically saying that any woman with children by her current husband and children by her ex-husband has spectacularly failed the earlier children by moving a step-father in?

That's a significant number of MNers you're throwing that accusation at. Absolutely ridiculous.

Please can some of you respond to clarify your positions on women with children by more than one man, and step families in general?

I'm also (pleasantly) surprised that nobody has suggested that the OP's partner must be abusing her daughter. Although the anti-male sentiment has definitely been present.

Yeah Elvis, we are saying that.
It doesn't matter whether it's the mum or dad. You do not move a stranger into the house that children consider their home.
End of.

Once you have kids that's it. Have a relationship or whatever, but don't move anyone in.
I managed it and so do most people.

Yes, I do think that once you have children and you’re the resident parent, then their needs take priority, and if that means not moving someone into their home, then so be it.

Of course you can, but if it’s something that makes your children dreadfully unhappy and you persevere with it because you ‘have a right to be happy’ (which apparently means moving someone else in) then do consider the fact that it could cost you a long term relationship with your children. Children who have no say only remain that way for a short time, they become adults who can and do vote with their feet.

Wow.

I managed it and so do most people.

Really? So you reckon that most MNers who are no longer with the father of their first child(ren), won't have had any further cohabiting partners / marriages / children with subsequent partners?

And any that have, have failed their earlier child / children? I'd like to see a poll.

I can’t believe that some people are suggesting that this girl get on with having to live with someone she’s not comfortable with,

And we wonder why women are so conditioned to appease men

We’re not saying all blended families are failures. We’re pointing out that this one is, because a child is dreadfully unhappy and uncomfortable.

@Evilspiritgin

*I can’t believe that some people are suggesting that this girl get on with having to live with someone she’s not comfortable with,

And we wonder why women are so conditioned to appease men*

She's not being told to get on with it, she's being asked not to be rude to someone that has not been rude to her, out of respect for her female mother.

What if OPs child was a boy, would you not see it as OP having to appease a man?

Generally I would see your point but this is not about a girl having to appease a man, it is about the level to which a parent needs to appease a child.

We’re not saying all blended families are failures. We’re pointing out that this one is, because a child is dreadfully unhappy and uncomfortable.

Sorry but there are a number of posters suggesting that the OP was wrong to cohabit with a man whilst her kids from a previous relationship live at home, period.

That is an implicit judgment on every blended family. Likely they've just said it to have a go at this OP, but they have said it.

Presumably the lodgers weren't bonking her mum - it really doesn't matter if you live in Brighton or in Downtown Abbey, no 15 year old wants to live with someone who is sleeping with their mum.

Um, what if you're still married to to their dad?

Are people supposed to give up their sex lives when their kids reach their teenage years? Must have missed that in Parenting 101.

My post seems to have triggered a lot of people on this thread who have clearly had really unhappy and unsafe relationships with their step-parents, which I'm really sad to hear.

I had both a stepmother and stepfather from the age of 4 and unfortunately learnt from my own really difficult experiences how wrongly adults can deal with divorce and the "blending" of families, so have always tried my hardest to not make the same mistakes as my parents.

Whilst I've clearly made some bad decisions along the way, my relationship with my kids is and has always been very close, my relationship with their father is really amicable, and my boyfriend is a truly decent man.

I honestly don't believe having a loving secure partner who makes me really happy and is trying his best to be a positive influence on my children is as catastrophic a development as some of you seem to think.

I didn't present my concerns well in the way I posed the question in the subject line, I've realised, but having taken on board all of your comments, I am confident that I can now take the right approach with my daughter and better understand her position, so thank you.

@elvis86 yes!! To all of your comments.

@IncyWincyGrownUp my daughter certainly isn't dreadfully unhappy, not sure where you've acquired that info from, she's just being really unfriendly to my boyfriend, and yes I've acknowledged that this does come from a place of feeling uncomfortable, which I'm working on.

@durgasarrow what on earth does marriage have to do with it?? I wasn't married to their dad either but wasn't sure it was relevant, what with it being the 21st century

OP, she’s just being unfriendly to him? That’s okay. perhaps if they become friends, she’ll be friendly. Seems fair all round.

Just need to put your foot down

the kids don't rule the household.

Sounds like you’ve had some good advice on here & taken it on board. I’m saddened by some of the posters who think similarly to the ‘the kids don’t rule the household’ pp, of course they don’t - but their concerns, emotions & opinions are no less valid because they are children, if anything their lack of choice in the situation makes them the ones who are disempowered.

Personally I had a similar situation with my Mum, she met, moved us in and married my stepdad after 18 months. We didn’t like him then (37 years ago!) & still don’t now - he’s not a bad man, just a socially inadequate, self-righteous, prissy, judgemental, patronising dick. My Mum has lost many friends over the years as he’s just not easy to be around. She’s blind to it. That and her always putting him first affected our relationship beyond repair. I’m not saying OP this is the case with your DP, but I would recommend listening to and respecting your DDs feelings & I hope you find a way forward.

See I would take a slightly different way to most of the other answers to you OP and suggest that your DD and BF need to get to know each other better.

So very gradually build up to them spending afternoons together, just them doing something DD enjoys.

Although whilst saying that I do think you need to make sure you are still spending a decent amount of time just you and her and obviously she needs her own space as much as possible.

The problem is your BF is living with you, is paying half a mortgage and has a right to enjoyment of his own home, it’s how to balance all of that along with keeping your DD feeling safe, secure and comfortable that is going to be near impossible. The only way this is all going to work is with all of you getting some separate, once a week, professional counselling and then maybe once a week having separate sessions as a family.

meandthem: I believe that kids are more conservative on this issue than adults are. Why wouldn't you get married if you are committed? And if you aren't committed, why should she take your relationship seriously? What you are asking her to do is trusting that your commitment is serious before she opens her mind and heart up to it.

@durgasarrow - Marriage is not a barometer of commitment to me or my partner, and marrying him would not help my daughter to better understand our commitment to one another.

I actually think on the contrary, that it's the fact that she can see how committed we are to a future together that is bothering her. We share our lives, our house, a mortgage and all the responsibilities which come with that. A marriage certificate would not change that - especially for my daughter who is neither a conservative or particularly conventional teenager!

@Pollypenguin01 thanks, I think you're right on all that. My partner and I both go to therapy individually each week, and I am really keen for my daughters to do this too but neither are at all up for it at the moment, unfortunately. Hopefully we'll get to a good place eventually!

I'm sorry that I was harsh.

But seriously, my cat would run away if I moved another cat in but your DD doesn't have this option.

She's told you she feels uncomfortable so listen to her.

@rosiepony thnk you and yes, agreed. Need to listen more for sure.