to wish that my daughter could respect my partner more?

[meandthem76]

Hello all

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he has lived with us for the last 18 months. I know this may seem quick, but there were various mitigating circumstances which meant we had to move in together a little sooner than we may ideally have otherwise done.

I have two daughters, aged 10 and 15, and split from their father nearly 9 years ago, during which time I had one other significant relationship but he didn't ever move in with us, so this is the first time the kids have experienced a live-in stepdad figure.

My younger daughter is largely accepting of him and they have a pretty good relationship, but my older one is becoming increasingly rude and disrespectful towards him.

I had a stepdad when I was growing up, so don't feel that I'm naive about the difficulties this situation can throw up, and I also understand that it's a really tough age for her to form any kind of attachment with someone new.

I didn't imagine that they would hit it off straight away, but her hostility levels seem to be rising despite him taking a very hands-off, passive, approach towards her. He never attempts to discipline her or encroach on her life (other than living with us which I understand is a huge change for us all) but it's making us both really sad that any attempts he makes at friendliness or chat are immediately shut down or met with derision.

I have tried to talk to her about it a lot to understand her feelings, and all she can say is everything he does annoys her, and she feels uncomfortable around him, but can't articulate why, or what I/we or anyone else could do to help. She's not up for speaking to a counsellor or therapist at the moment.

I have explained that she doesn't have to be friendly if she can't manage that, but does need to show at least a basic level of respect and courtesy - she is otherwise a good-natured and likeable girl so this relationship is obviously bringing out anger or resentment which doesn't come up elsewhere in her life. One thing I know she needs is to spend more alone time with me, which we are doing as much as we can of.

My partner understands and tolerates her behaviour towards him as much as he can but is starting to feel really quite hurt and disempowered, and I feel very stuck in the middle trying (unsuccessfully) to make everyone happy.

Does anyone have any experience of this / words of wisdom they can impart? I would be very grateful if so.

Thanks in advance x

Shit OP it is a bit of a mess, but if you know your partner is treating her and you with respect, if you feel he is the right one, then stick to your guns, I am going against the grain here, you are entitled to have a live in partner, we can't let our kids dictate every decision made for adults.
It is an unfortunate age for this change but things happen. You've been single for 9 years.
Give her lots of space with reassurance. Talking to not working now, let her know she has to have respect it works both ways.
Her behaviour is controlling, teens often try control their parents not because their traumatised but because they can.

So you’re tied to him financially. That’s madness

I have a 15 year old and you moved him in waaaay to soon, no wonder she is fed up. I would be too with a strange man moving into my home.

You need to apologise to your DD and explain why you made the decisions you did but don't expect it to help. She may even feel more resentful.

What is the plan with your house now that your new partner is in the mortgage?

I don't see 18 months into a relationship being 'too soon' for moving in together at all! As for waiting until the children have grown up and left home before moving in together, that is laughable, especially given all the kidults currently living at home into their 30s! (Yes, I understand about the housing crisis.)

If your DP is calm as you say and not creating conflict except by living in the same house, I would not even consider apologising to a teenager, not for an instant! You made an adult decision for adult reasons to improve your own life and happiness. She even benefitted collaterally by being able to remain in her childhood home instead of moving somewhere smaller and losing her school and friends. What's to apologise for? Her life is not ruined.

Plenty of teenagers of both genders are unreasonably stroppy and rude to their birth parents - it's their job! - so I wouldn't assume it was about resenting your partner as an intruder.

How do you know she wouldn't have been exactly the same with her father if you'd never parted from him?

I say present a united front, go on loving her, listening to her concerns, challenging her rudeness and modelling what mature adults do when things are sticky. You will all be winners and the younger child will benefit from seeing family love being demonstrated, too.

Oh I feel so much for your daughters

Teenage years and they’ve had a man they hardly know shoved in to their living space

No matter what the reasons- it was so unfair of you to move him in

So you've all been through a lot of change and difficult times recently.
All those things happening are a lot for anyone, add on the pressure of exams and just being a teenager and it is understandable that your daughter can't manage to behave brilliantly around everyone.
Your partner arrived when she was feeling vulnerable and stressed and it makes sense that he's the target now.

you are entitled to have a live in partner, we can't let our kids dictate every decision made for adults.

It’s not about the children dictating

It’s about prioritising them whilst they are children and entirely dependent on you.

I just can't get over him being on the mortgage! Christ alive, even after 18 months you don't really know him

As for your daughter, I feel for her, I wouldn't like it either and would find it difficult. They've had so much change in a short space of time

Thanks all of those of you with constructive advice. I've taken on board everything you've all said and appreciate the suggestions you've made, especially those of you that have brought some new perspectives and appreciated the complexity of our situation.

He's certainly not a "hero", just a good man who thought he was doing the right thing. He's really kind, hard working, not a drunk or a swine(!), we have a really stable and healthy relationship and he's respectful of the kids and totally committed to being the best stepparent he can be. He doesn't have kids of his own so this is all very new to him - well to all of us. Feelings of rejection and hurt are just human and although it may seem unjust for him to feel this way, I think it's natural and important for him to be able to voice them to me - we are all just trying our best to adapt to the new situation as well we can and to make the kids our priority.

I agree that the main thing I need to do now is to just be there for her to listen when she is ready to talk and make her feel safe, and to clarify that although I understand why she is struggling, she does need to be more respectful.

If it doesn't work out between me and my partner, then we will be in the same situation as any couple would be - split whatever equity has accrued during our time together and work out whether I can afford to stay in the house or would need to move elsewhere - it's not jointly owned, the equity I had already had in the house is in my name, so the lion's share of the house would still be mine.

Really feel for your older daughter OP, it's such a tricky age.

My mum started dating a guy when I was 14 and I couldn't stand him. I just wasn't interested in forming any sort of bond with him. They were together for 10 years before breaking up and in all that time I never really got to know him, I just wanted it to be mum and me!

Give it time OP and hopefully they'll form a nice relationship over the years.

Sounds fair enough to me, OP. A good man, doing his share and trying to form a family with you? Could be a lot worse.

Try not to worry too much OP. At 15 my DD was a nightmare and openly hostile to my now DH. Didn't want to live with him, didn't want to speak with him, didn't want to show him any respect at all. He'd been in her life for 10 years at that point and was the only dad she'd ever known.

Thankfully it gets better. My DD is now 27 and looks back in horror at how she treated DH. She finally reached a point where she chooses to call him dad.

I had a similar situation as a teenager and I couldn't articulate why i felt uncomfortable at the time. But I can see now that i felt uncomfortable sharing the house with a new person as the dynamic changed completely. For example, as a teenager i felt awkward sitting around in my pyjamas or seeing him in his nightwear, having their laundry and my laundry mixed together, sharing a bathroom in terms of the habits of somone new coupled with my own need for privacy with periods etc. Plus there can also be issues with the parent now sharing a bedroom with someone else. It is a big change for children.

@ImNotYourGranny thank you for this! Sorry to hear that you had to go through such tough times, but lovely to hear of a happy outcome

@ticketstub yes you're right, I'm sure there is an element of all that too

I really don't think 18 months is shockingly fast. At all. She's a teenager and there might not be much you can do until she's older and out of the major-crisis-age. I don't think you've done anything wrong. Adult women are allowed to have relationships. The end. You're allowed to live with a man, and as long as your children are heard and have space and love and alone time with you too, then there's just nothing wrong with it. A year and a half is a fine amount of time to gauge a relationship. He wasn't a stranger. Stop beating yourself up OP - you sound like you're doing EVERYTHING you can for everyone and you should feel quite pleased with yourself I think. Teenagers are shit! I'm sorry you're feeling stuck.

Honestly? You should just have taken the hit and moved. Trying to save your home has backfired and brutally altered your family dynamic.

Fuck all you can do about it now, and hindsight is always 20:20.

What I would suggest is being less concerned about your partner than your daughter. He’s an adult, she needs more help and understanding than he does. Between you and him you’ve messed her equilibrium up, it’s your job to fix that, not hers.

It is fast when children are involved. Many people wait longer than 18 months to buy a house together even when children aren’t involved. I think it was a bonkers decision to put him on the mortgage after 18 months tbh especially when you’re unmarried.

Anyway, that aside I agree with PP who mentioned how uncomfortable and awkward she probably feels in her own home. It’s not really rocket science OP, she doesn’t want him in her personal space so she is acting out.

But OMG i would HATE to live with some random bloke. It’s the little things. Feeling self conscious wandering about in your pjs, spending too long in the bathroom etc.

I think it boils down to this in the end.

She’s had the safety and security of her home invaded by a man and she doesn’t like it.

Reading all the other posts I don't think that 18months is too soon to move in together if your daughters had already bee introduced and you had a good relationships with no problems from all direction.
Teenagers can be impossible they/we all go through that stage (or the majority) of just being moody and usually one person is the target of the grumps.
Your partner seems to make an effort maybe he shouldn't be offended so easily and take with pinch of salt. But if not used to having a teenager around maybe he will struggle with this.
Maybe your attention being shared 24/7 has caused your daughter to put her back up but then you do things seperate on your own with her.
I could keep rambling on seems like a common thing your situation so don't stew on it and things will come together I'm sure. 😊

@whattodowith what does being unmarried have to do with it?
As I explained, I do now understand that it was all too rushed and that that has contributed to her feelings towards him, and that it is my job to fix it.

Thank you for your kind words @SugarThreat...we are all just doing our best aren't we!

God, some people are melodramatic on here. 🙄

It’s just soooo difficult at that age, I was a horrid 15 year old and spent my adult life apologising to my mum for me during my teens. However, I have this same problem with my 17 year old daughter and her bio dad who we all live together with. I feel like I am in the middle constantly but to be honest, I get where my daughter is coming from and she deals in facts and home truths only, so difficult to argue? It happened this morning and he has just stomped off to sulk!

I also feel like you should have taken the hit and moved, but what’s done is done. That said, your daughter has had a guy she doesn’t like forced into her home, entirely changing the dynamic. You may be able to work through it, but there’s also the risk resentment will continue to grow and it could create a long term rift between you and your daughter. You only ‘have’ her at home for a few more years, she should be your priority here over your partner. You don’t want this growing into estrangement (I say this as I am NC with my mother, partly because she forced her new husband into my life).

As an aside, we had years of having lodgers when I was single, most of whom were male friends, who she was really comfortable around and actually says she now misses, so I think it's the family dynamic having changed, rather the newness of having a man in the house, that she is objecting to.

We live in a pretty progressive town with many different types of home and family set ups, so I guess my perception of what is and isn't appopriate as regards that may differ from some of yours.