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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 01/09/2019 23:46

You don’t know why yours are not invited and more then they will know why you decline.

With my wedding the venue was 50 max. So I only invited children I had an actual connection with rather than whole families. One couple with children declined but that could have been general finances or the children or something else. If they had got in touch to say it was a childcare issue we would have said “bring them’ because a couple of months later we had 2 people say they were not able to come.

Aridane · 01/09/2019 23:48

My tip for avoiding airport stress is to travel with an elderly person and book assistance.

Aridane · 01/09/2019 23:48

Sorry @0- wrong thread

whirlwinds · 01/09/2019 23:48

Agreeing with OP here. Weddings are difficult, people keep saying it's about the B+G but in my book it's about them and the families coming together. Friends are were the compromise is when it comes to children and distance aso. If all the children are going bar OPs children I think her DH can question this or should just decline as it is better to side with the children here. B+G may not be aware that there is only them left out in the family?

elvis86 · 01/09/2019 23:48

If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday.

I think YABU. With the exception of the childcare, you'd presumably have had to arrange and pay for the rest of these things anyway even if your kids were invited? The travel and accommodation may have costed you more if the kids came.

Your nose is pushed out of joint because they didn't invite your kids - at least be honest and don't pretend it's about anything else.Hmm

I very much doubt that the B&G intended this as a snub to your kids - planning a wedding can be difficult and people are often restricted on numbers etc. But as you've evidently chosen to interpret it that way, and you don't seem to like them enough to accept that it's their day and to want to go - just decline the invitation.

Assuming that you can make childcare arrangements and aren't being invited to child-free weddings twice a month, I do wonder if it would kill people to just comply with what the B&G have planned. They obviously think enough of you to invite you to their wedding - it's sad that you don't think enough of them to make efforts to attend.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:48

@bahhhhhumbug yes that is possible.
I am not intending at all to try and challenge the rules or ask for my children to come, I completely respect the invite as it is. I'm sure they have put all the thought into it they need to. We have spent nice times together recently and they get on very well with the children. I am.purely debating whether to accept and get organised, or decline, and if so what to say!

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 01/09/2019 23:49

Of course YANBU to decline. It’s quite possible they are counting on it and figured you would do so but realised it would be polite to invite you so it looked like you made the decision.

Derbee · 01/09/2019 23:50

it’s clearly stupid and insensitive to arrange a wedding so that ALL children in the family make the cut somehow, apart from 2. Decline, don’t feel bad, move on.

I hate this idea that you can be as entitled and selfish as you want, because it’s your wedding. Nobody’s feelings matter, especially not children, because it’s your wedding. 😴😴😴😴😴

I think you are right to find it strange that only your children are left out. Let them enjoy their wedding, and you guys do something else.

Batcrazymum3 · 01/09/2019 23:50

If b&g have decided children between the age of 9months and 15 years cant come and that only excludes your kids then ita not a personal thing to you. It's a decision they have made, if they allowed your children because they were the only ones on your side then someone else might be as upset on the day as you are now because there is no rhyme or reason. I k ow you say it's not about your kids not being invited but it kind of is.
If you decline just because DC cant go and you can get babysitters the I say you ABU.
Go and enjoy the child free day. Expla5 to the kids it's adults only because that's what B&G want for their special day, it's your job as a parent to manage that situation, if children are disappointed, explain its understandable they would want to go but in this case it's not possible and they need to get over it 🤷‍♀️

BizzzzyBee · 01/09/2019 23:52

Yanbu to choose not to attend. Yabu to get annoyed and think your DC should be invited. It’s not your decision and frankly I hate kids at weddings, they spoil a lovely adult night out.

AutumnCrow · 01/09/2019 23:53

"They’re my children, it’s my job to think about them” sounds verging on hysteria

You really couldn't make this shit up Grin

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:55

@elvis86 when it comes to spending limited family funds on trips away, I feel happier about events and trips that include the whole family. We don't really have the extra for adult only trips at the moment. If we spend on this, there is less for our family hol which doesn't seem fair on the kids. If they were coming there would be some value for them too. However it's not all about money and if dh really wanted to go we could.manage something .

OP posts:
Aridane · 01/09/2019 23:55

I thought this was going to be a thread about toddlers / small children wanting to dress up as bridesmaids / flower girls etc, not young teenagers!

Greenmarmalade · 01/09/2019 23:56

YANBU.
I hate childfree weddings.

Mothership4two · 01/09/2019 23:56

YANBU for not going. You have a good reason. Dh doesn't sound like he wants to go without them anyway.

If you tell your kids what you told us OP "children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies" and not you will "literally be the only family members from our side excluded", I'm sure they will understand. They may be disappointed but I expect not devastated. The happy couple are perfectly entitled to invite who they want.

I think many couples (pre-kids) just don't realise how much organisation and extra expense is involved in guests having to arrange leaving children at home on their big day.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:57

@allfourofthem you are so right, hadn't thought of that!

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 01/09/2019 23:58

me too @Greenmarmalade

Aridane · 01/09/2019 23:58

Or maybe just DP goes and you do Family Time with The DCs?

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:58

It's not just one day, it's one day to go there, one day at the wedding, one day to get back

OP posts:
boydoggies · 01/09/2019 23:59

OP, some posters seem to be a little harsh in their responses. I'd be a little miffed if only my children were left out of the family invites. Don't go. Enjoy your family time as a small unit. God bless.

FeeFee832 · 02/09/2019 00:00

Get over it and go.

7 wedding invites in the last 18 months and ALL of them were no children or babies. One wedding allowed a BF baby to go but wasn't allowed in the ceremony.

It's really common these days. Honestly don't take it to heart.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 02/09/2019 00:03

I'd love for dh to go, it would solve everything! Unfortunately he would rather die than do this kind of thing solo.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 02/09/2019 00:04

@FunkySnidge
This is all fine, I am not looking to get my kids squeezed in, but the overall effect is that my kids are the only people who are not going to come. So why not decline, and let someone else have the spot. I am sure they will have more on the list.

Hey, try not to martyr yourself. It feels like you’ve constructed a narrative in your head and instead of just asking the wedding couple, you’re going to decline. I say this because I sometimes make up reasons for why I may be bothering people, etc as a way to avoid doing things. I know where you’re coming from.

Try having a conversation with them about your two kids being the only ones from your husband’s side not being included. The couple may reveal that 12 other children are not invited from the bride’s side or from their mutual friends. Try not to be too hurt initially and address the issue.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 02/09/2019 00:04

@feefee832 do you have children and did you go to all these weddings?!

OP posts:
EWAB · 02/09/2019 00:06

Why can’t DH go alone to spend time with his cousins and wider family?