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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 01/09/2019 23:21

You can’t bulldoze your kids into a wedding they’re not invited to because they won’t be fobbed off! Stop trying to fob them off and tell them they’re not going because they haven’t been invited.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:22

By that won't cut it I mean it won't soothe disappointment or make me feel less guilty about the situation. Obviously no one is giving my kids a choice to go or not, it's about the concept of family not about a dramatic showdown lol

OP posts:
gilliansgardenbench · 01/09/2019 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChangeItChild · 01/09/2019 23:23

I don't think OP is trying to bulldoze her DC into the wedding at all, she's just trying to decide whether to accept or decline the invite.

Aridane · 01/09/2019 23:23

"sorry, with the cost and effort of organising childcare during school holidays and having to rush the journey there and back it's simply not practical for us." Is much better than some invented prior engagement (possibly over the top of a save the date...)

That would be incredibly rude and passive aggressive. Why not also throw in ' I don't like you anyway' and a link to this thread Grin

gingergiraffe · 01/09/2019 23:24

Teens and early teens are not really children, as in they are quite capable of sitting and behaving sensibly at a formal do and do not require constant supervision. They can be brilliant at amusing and keeping an eye on the younger ones, thus taking the pressure off the parents. I really feel your pain. Maybe, as usual it’s all to do with total numbers but if not I can see why it is not nice for them to be left out. I personally love seeing all ages at a wedding. In your situation I would feel very torn about what to do.

Whoseagooddoggiethen · 01/09/2019 23:25

I had an invite without my two recently. All my (tiny) family will be there and as sole parent I have nobody else to ask to take them so i just sent a decline. Not my wedding, not my rules. I just built myself a bridge!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 01/09/2019 23:26

So they might not have realised your children were the only ones left one. I personally forgot loads of people in the initial invites. If you want to go point it out nicely ( it will only be about cost and numbers, not that they don’t like your kids ) and see what they say.
It might be worth saying that you can’t afford a petsitter
and a child minder because honestly I never considered anyone except my immediate families issues with coming.
They may actually be glad that you can’t come as it because it reduces the expense , or they may really want you there.
Either way it’s one day. They won’t have wedding planning experience. Be nice.

Sunflowers211 · 01/09/2019 23:27

It's not your day and the world does not revolve around your kids. This is a wedding, go/don't go but either way I'm pretty sure yabu!

Bookworm4 · 01/09/2019 23:28

Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
Really? What ages are your delightful angels?
obviously no one is giving my kids a choice to go or not
Possibly one of the most entitled comments I’ve read in awhile.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 01/09/2019 23:28

Going against the grain of the thread, I kind-of feel for you OP.

How many children who are family members WILL be going to the wedding because they meet the baby criteria or have roles?

See, if it's only a couple (say, a bridesmaid, a page boy and a babe-in-arms) vs your children (do you have 2 or more?), then I think that's explainable to your children.

And at their age, they may be disappointed, but they will get it.

But if there are 8 or 10 children and they all have roles or are young enough, then that's quite a slap for your kids.

Don't forget, this wedding is going to be something that's talked about within the family and your kids will be the only ones not there. That's quite harsh. The only ones not in the photos, etc.

I don't think you should make a fuss, but I don't think you're being unreasonable either.

HeadintheiClouds · 01/09/2019 23:29

Being invited to a child free wedding does not threaten the concept of family, op. Your nuclear family will survive, the world will continue to turn.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 01/09/2019 23:31

I was married 30 years this year, my wedding was child free, I don't regret it to this day.

Purpleartichoke · 01/09/2019 23:31

If it was a sibling, I’d make the trip. For anyone else, I likely wouldn’t be bothered to try to arrange child care, especially since I’m this scenario, all our regular babysitters and certainly the only ones we would use overnight would be at the wedding.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:35

It may well be about numbers atthe table, and actually that is fine as I know it's so hard to juggle. It doesn't trouble the b and g to think about the effect on certain younger bums on seats (mouths on food too!) But as these are my children it is my job to think of that side.
Yes the children involved in the day are closer relatives, but other children the same distance as mine will be able to come, some because they are a few years older and are being counted as adults (16) and some because they are Tots and won't take a seat.

This is all fine, I am not looking to get my kids squeezed in, but the overall effect is that my kids are the only people who are not going to come. So why not decline, and let someone else have the spot. I am sure they will have more on the list.

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 01/09/2019 23:36

I love a good wedding. Seriously, they're my favourite type of event.
My DS wasn't invited to one of my cousin's weddings, she invited my other cousins kids. We weren't that close so I understood. Her wedding, her rules. I opted not to go. Sent a card and a gift. Done. We had a takeaway and watched Monsters Inc (again). My family is still functioning.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 01/09/2019 23:37

We don't tend to attend weddings far away from home that we aren't all invited to. I'd rather use my babysitting for a weekend of wild fun and debauchery with DH than sitting in a marquee making stilted conversations with friends of friends and their families. Don't go, say it clashes with a holiday.

LellyMcKelly · 01/09/2019 23:38

My wedding was child free. Some people couldn’t make it because they had kids, some people couldn’t make it because it was too far (my home town in a different country), some people couldn’t make it because they couldn’t find a dog sitter, and I’m sure some people didn’t go because they don’t like weddings. It’s their wedding, and their rules. Missing a wedding is really not the end of the world. Send your DP as he’s the family member and he can explain you’re not there because you had to look after the kids.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:38

I think @Bookworm4 is also upset they aren't invited Grin

There are 8 children in our side of the family. 6 are invited. My two are not.
I don't know the other side of the family.

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 01/09/2019 23:40

Although you say your kids are the only family on your side not invited could it be that if the b and g broke their own rules on which DC can and cannot come would that mean they'd have to let certain other guests, friends etc bring their DC if they 'broke the rules' for you?

LazyLizzy · 01/09/2019 23:41

It's a bit mean to leave 2 kids out of the whole family.

Sounds like they have made the age rules to fit around your kids not making the cut.

So babies and over 16 are ok. Then the only 2 left from the whole wedding party are in-between.

Do they get on with your kids?

Runningsmooth · 01/09/2019 23:42

Yabu in thinking that you should just be able to just bring another 2 or 3 guests with you. They haven't been invited. The bride and groom choose who to invite. It would be reasonable for you to decline the invite because you cannot attend without your children.

HeadintheiClouds · 01/09/2019 23:43

Oh op, you sound so highly strung. “They’re my children, it’s my job to think about them” sounds verging on hysteria, tbh.
Nobody has dissed your children, they’re just not invited. Please God they’re never left out of a kid’s party Confused

WhyBirdStop · 01/09/2019 23:44

You keep talking about family children, but you don't know about their friends who might have excluded children. They may well have closer friends to them than DH is, regardless of biology, who also have children around the ages of your DC, children they actually see a lot but still aren't inviting because it's a small wedding and once you start adding adult price meals for a dozen 8-15 year olds it mounts up on a small budget. If you don't want to go without them don't. I'm not sure what the AIBU is?

whattodo2019 · 01/09/2019 23:45

Bride and Grooms choice- tough!
Don't go if you don't like it but don't moan about it

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