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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
MrsCollinssettled · 02/09/2019 00:38

They're clearly not that bothered about you being there if they've not invited the dc for a wedding that far from you. Decline and send a gift. If they do ask why you can say that the logistics of attending without the kids makes it impossible to come.

Longlongsummer · 02/09/2019 00:40

I’d defer to DH. It’s his family. I’ve gone childfree to a friends wedding, I didn’t bring DH as it was too hard to find overnight care for the kids. So I went alone.

Could that be an option?

DeeCeeCherry · 02/09/2019 00:40

If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation

On this basis alone I wouldn't bother to go. Too much hassle

Fucket · 02/09/2019 00:42

I wouldn’t go and I would be honest about it. I’d also not want to take my kids to family events where talk of this wedding will probably go on for months before the big day, especially if it was going to upset my children that they are not invited.

Sure I would tell my kids they were not invited, and lots of people have child free weddings. But this is not a child free wedding. This is a wedding they’ve just not been invited to because they are not wanted there.

They’ve clearly ranked you/your children as B list so it’s time to save face and do the same.

I have absolutely no problems with child free weddings but I wouldn’t want my children being the only ones not invited if other family members had not had the same invitation rules. Babies and toddlers don’t care, young teens are full of emotions and will take it personally.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 02/09/2019 00:48

We had a small child free wedding many years ago. As we did not have children at the time it didn't seem an issue and we were trying to cut costs as we couldn't afford a really big do.

With hindsight it meant some younger family members were not able to attend and if we did it all again, we would do it differently.

Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2019 00:58

YADNBU, it's annoying and I can see why you would feel put out. The couple have not said no children they have said "...children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies."

Which leaves your kids left out.

It's 100% their choice to say that but also a 100% choice your right to feel pissed off and to say you cannot make it.

As it's your hubbie's family I guess it is his choice but you could still say you don't want to go.

I personally don't like the whole no kids weddings, and it often seems to leave people feeling put out. And to me a wedding is not just about the couple because if it was they could do it without the guests, just two witnesses. But anyway, you and your dh decide your response.

Thanks
Winterlife · 02/09/2019 01:08

If this were my husband's family, I would let him make the decision, solely, and whatever he decided, I'd accept. Chances are you'll still be blamed if he declines, though.

pumkinspicetime · 02/09/2019 01:20

I would decline and send card. Let DH attend by himself if he wants to, if he doesn't then rsvp no.
It doesn't sound practical for you both to go, I personally wouldn't consider it.

AngelsOnHigh · 02/09/2019 01:30

It's a difficult situation.

My DS married two years ago and he has 5 nieces and nephews. His DW also has 5 nieces and nephews. All 10 were in the wedding party. (and all looked absolutely beautiful and behaved beautifully). No other DC to be invited to the wedding.

They were the only DC from DS's side invited to the wedding. Unfortunately we only had one other 8 year old DD on DS's father's side of the family. My DH only has 6 relatives in the country.

I worried and worried and finally I asked DS to consider inviting 8 year old DD as she would literally been the only person from her family not attending. She was sent an invitation with no hard feelings from anyone . She had a ball mixing with all her cousins (especially in the photo booth)
On the other hand, when my DD married 5 years ago, she had my DN's neurotic wife phoning her hysterically 2 weeks before the wedding begging to allow her 3 DC to attend as they couldn't get any child care. We then had to invite 5 other DC at great expense to keep everyone else happy.

travellersglitch · 02/09/2019 01:41

Child free weddings are great! Everyone can relax and have a good time!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/09/2019 02:31

Urgh, that's a messy situation. I had a childfree wedding (apart from nursing infants) but there were no children above the age of about 7 who would/could have been invited anyway and I didn't want the under 7s there!
If I'd been in your B&G's situation, I would have thought "sod it, they're old enough" and invited them anyway because, as you said, just leaving your 2 out while the other 6 family children are included would have been rude and divisive.

In your place, given the distance to travel, the time and the cost, I'd probably decline, yes. If they bothered to question why, I''d explain with minimum of "feeling" and max of practicalities, but I wouldn't give them an explanation up front.

squeekums · 02/09/2019 02:33

Id use it as an excuse not to go. I dont get this need to travel and spend a night or 2 away for someone elses wedding.
"oh sorry, have no one to watch dd" would work fine lol

GemmeFatale · 02/09/2019 03:56

I have no idea why the OP is getting such a hard time.

I’d decline. Nice card, no gift. If pressed I’d explain the logistics of the trip without your children was deciding factor.

Alicewond · 02/09/2019 04:02

Just rsvp that you won’t be attending. You don’t need to explain otherwise. I agree it’s there choice not to invite your children, it’s also your choice whether to attend or not. It doesn’t need to be a major drama though

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/09/2019 04:37

I've only ever been to two weddings that allowed children (apart from my own), it's the norm not to include except under 1s & wedding party. I completely understand it, weddings these days are terrifically expensive events with dancing until late into the evening. Where kids are allowed, you tend to either get parents calling it a night by 10pm to get tired kids to bed, or overtired hyper kids bouncing off the walls or dominating proceedings.

We leave DS with grandparents, he is never invited. I think it's a shame your relatives other kids have ended up included but seriously OP get over it. The fact that your kids love family event does but not entitle them to an invite.

seeleym · 02/09/2019 05:13

It you don't invite kids you have to accept some people are less likely to go, it's just the way it is. I wouldn't go under those circumstances OP x

dustarr73 · 02/09/2019 06:06

Child free weddings are great! Everyone can relax and have a good time!

But its not a childfree wedding.

@FunkySnidge i can see where you are coming from.Its really hard for you,especially the ages of your dc.
I think its very mean to be the only 2 not invited.It says a lot about the b&g to be fair.

I wouldnt go,send a card and thats it.Leave them to it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2019 06:39

The b&g clearly haven’t thought it through. Two children out of the entire side of the family excluded for their seemingly arbitrary rules is hurtful. It’s hard when you don’t have kids to imagine how the kids feel I’m sure. So do try not to take it personally.

I think you should decline. You seem to get on well with them. Write them a lovely, non accusatory card saying you are sorry you are not able to attend. Wish them well and say you will be thinking of them on the day. If they come back to you and express sadness, that would be the time to explain you can not find anyone to look after your children for what would be two nights.

AJPTaylor · 02/09/2019 06:40

I get you op
If dh agrees, I would decline in these circs. It's an invitation.

RuthW · 02/09/2019 06:54

Just decline the invite. You don't have to go.

PositiveVibez · 02/09/2019 06:56

Unfortunately he would rather die than do this kind of thing solo

Okay. So you're quite the drama llama.

Just tell your dh, rather than risking his life and going alone, just decline.

You're leaving it to him to decide. So what if he says let's go?. You'll be pissed off.

You need to tell him, BUT DO NOT suggest he goes on his own whatever you do. That would be the worst possible outcome, obvs.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/09/2019 07:11

I'd decline without a second thought. We have done in fact, and that was a local wedding. The bride and groom are absolutely entitled to invite who they want, and those they invite are absolutely free to decline the invitation.

elessar · 02/09/2019 07:31

The problem is you're focusing on your kids being 'the only ones' excluded.

But as you say you don't know the other side of the family - maybe there are loads of children of cousins on that side? Or loads of children from their close friends?

Making an exception for you would then make it really awkward and they might have to make other exceptions.

They're actually being quite fair.

Go or don't go, but don't take it as a personal slight.

Rm2018 · 02/09/2019 07:54

If it was 1 day I would suck it up but 3 days away without kids no bloody way

Loopytiles · 02/09/2019 07:55

YABU.

DH could attend alone if you don’t wish to attend.

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