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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite - no children

677 replies

FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 22:42

Aibu?
Wedding invite but children are not invited unless they have a role in the wedding or are babies. This means that our kids are the only kids from our side of the family who will not be invited. In fact as it's not a big family they are the only relatives not invited.
We now don't really want to go. Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday. Tbh I would prefer to just go on hol with my kids and let someone else who is closer to the wedding couple enjoy the day.
It's not my family it's dh so I'm giving him space to say what he wants and haven't said my view yet. He has indicated he thinks it's unfair to go without our kids as they will literally be the only family members from our side excluded and he doesn't agree.
Should we get over it and go or do we have a point and should just decline graciously and send a lovely pressie.

OP posts:
Chocolatelover45 · 01/09/2019 23:05

Seems off to leave family children out - especially if other children going and it's close family. However it's a bit odd that your children expect to be invited. Unless they are teenagers, how do they even know anything about it?

chesci · 01/09/2019 23:05

It depends on how important those relations are to your DH and to your kids. Not going will seem like a dick move and won't be forgotten.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 01/09/2019 23:07

Our kids really value family events and they can't be fobbed off, they prefer this kind of family thing to a substitute treat.

Why do they need to be fobbed off? They can just be told they are not invited, because it's for adults only, which is the truth.
Not sure what you mean about a substitute treat; it's not like anyone's going to say "Do you want to go to X and Y's wedding, or shall we go to Legoland?"

ChangeItChild · 01/09/2019 23:07

How old are your children?

blue25 · 01/09/2019 23:07

Their wedding. Their choice. Children can be a pain at weddings so I totally understand why people want child free. Whether or not your children "value family events" has nothing to do with it I'm afraid.

JingsMahBucket · 01/09/2019 23:09

@FunkySnidge
If we go we will have the faff of organising house pet child sitter, and then the expense of travel and accommodation... During a school holiday.

How much would this actually cost you? I find myself questioning this excuse on MN lately because it feels like a default of “I don’t want to make ANY effort outside my routine to see someone else.”

How long would you actually be away? Are there neighbours or friends who could take your children in for 2 nights? Can those same people or others watch your pets? How much would travel genuinely cost you if you clubbed together with other family members?

I have a feeling YABU.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 01/09/2019 23:10

child free weddings should be all or nothing, no exceptions

So if you don't want everybody to bring their children, you shouldn't be allowed to havechild bridesmaids and pageboys in your opinion?

Goodlookingcreature · 01/09/2019 23:10

So the children aren’t nieces or nephews but cousins? Yeah I don’t think you’d be unreasonable not to go but I don’t think the couple are unreasonable not wanting your kids there.

Durgasarrow · 01/09/2019 23:12

It's not unreasonable to have a child-free wedding (beyond flower girls etc.) It's also not unreasonable to refuse. You neither need to be angry nor guilty.

MrsEricBana · 01/09/2019 23:13

Are there neighbours or friends who could take your children in for 2 nights?

Erm yeah, I'm sure the neighbours would be dead keen.

You just say I'm so sorry but we can't make it. Perfectly understandable.

JingsMahBucket · 01/09/2019 23:13

Cross-posted. It feels like you’re being stroppy and precious about your kids. If you really want them there, point out to the relative that yours will be the only kids missing and ask if they can be accommodated.

On a related note, are your children well behaved or no?

LocalHobo · 01/09/2019 23:13

It is perfectly reasonable to say you are unable to attend. My DC have loved weddings (as do I) from about age 4, and I would have felt awful excluding them if cousins etc. were going to be attending, it would have spoilt my enjoyment.
It is totally the choice of the b&g and they are obviously not bothered about your DC so just send a lovely card and £20.

underneaththeash · 01/09/2019 23:14

How old are your children OP? Mine are only now getting to the age that they would actually enjoy a wedding >9.
Otherwise it's just a waste of money paying for them and they do may it less enjoyable for the bridal couple (and for me).

AgeLikeWine · 01/09/2019 23:14

YABU.

Your DH’s family member’s wedding is not about your children.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:14

Weddings might mean nothing to your kids but mine will be really excited about this kind of thing. They will know about it because they were involved in the engagement celebration. They are genuinely interested and excited about events when they get to see cousins, aunts and grand parents etc, and to know everyone else except them are trundling off for that will actually disappoint them. I could lessen disappointment with a distraction, along the lines of, ' you can have fun going to cinema with XX and yy ' but I seriously don't think that will cut it. It's not entitlement it's actually being more interested in family stuff. An invite to a wedding isn't a job interview or just a legal ceremony, it's family history! They are early teens and nearly teens.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 01/09/2019 23:15

@MrsEricBana not everyone has crap relationships with their neighbours. Good job ignoring the “friends” part of my sentence too. 👌

gilliansgardenbench · 01/09/2019 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsEricBana · 01/09/2019 23:18

I don't have a crap relationship with my neighbours but I wouldn't dream of asking them to have my children for two nights!

CassianAndor · 01/09/2019 23:18

What do you mean, that won’t cut it? Do you mean your DC would refuse to not attend despite not being invited?

I get that they would like to go and I get that you’re upset they’re not invited but I don’t get that.

Original poster
FunkySnidge · 01/09/2019 23:18

Good point about being well behaved or not... I think they are bit perhaps I am wrong!
I don't think what my kids think about it all atters to the b and g at all, but it does matter to me and what on balance we will end up doing.
I don't want to wait ages to RSVP as they might want to give the invite to someone else

OP posts:
minipie · 01/09/2019 23:19

Perfectly ok to decline because you can’t find childcare/afford the expense. (although your DH could go on his own).

However I don’t agree the couple have any sort of duty to invite your DC. If the B&G are close to your DC, see them lots and yet haven’t invited them then that is off. But they don’t have to invite them just because other family children are invited.

Dollymixture22 · 01/09/2019 23:19

I think it’s okay for a cousin (?) of your husband not to invite your children to the wedding. Are the other children involved the cousins nieces or nephews, while your children are more distant relatives?

You can of course decline the invitation, and to one honest I would only go to a wedding that involves two nights away for a few special people.

LatteLove · 01/09/2019 23:20

YABU about no children rule as it’s not your wedding.
YANBU if you decline though. They’ve made the choice to have a child free wedding, and people not attending because of that rule is the risk you take

This

ReanimatedSGB · 01/09/2019 23:20

I expect the bridal couple have had to make a decision about where the cut-off point is for other people's kids, because they would rather have a few more close friends there than some kid-cousins they barely know.

It does sound a bit as though you are determined to push your way in to your H's family, though. If you've really taught your kids to expect to be a part of everyone else's celebrations, you are setting them up for a lot of disappointment and rejection. This couple may not dislike you/your DC but simply not consider you as close to them as you want to be. It's never a good idea to demand or expect more of people than they are willing to give, and some people simply prioritize friends over relatives.

ChangeItChild · 01/09/2019 23:21

I think at that age it's not easy to distract them from the fact they aren't invited. They'll be well aware the wedding is happening without them.

They aren't the age to be running around wrecking havoc are they? They'd probably sit quietly with the adults and really enjoy the day. So I do think it's a bit mean really. (Considering they're the only family members not invited)

I also feel at that age family time in the school holidays is quite precious, so I'd be politely and graciously declining.