To ask what you think creates mentally healthy children?

[Trickedia]

I don’t know if that’s worded correctly. But I hope you get where im going. What do you think is important to create a happy home that children can thrive in & grow into confident/happy adults?

I have 2 young children & am terrified of screwing them up (due to my own screwed up childhood.) I don’t want them to grow up with issues. I want them to make the absolute best of themselves.

I know nothing is guaranteed, but what do you think is important?

A calm/predictable home & family?
Lots of Encouragement/praise?
Knowing your family are always there for you?

... they’re the most important thing to me & I want to get this right. I don’t ever want them to feel the way I did.

Mumsnet has such wisdom at times & im hoping for some pearls!

A calm/predictable home & family?
Lots of Encouragement/praise?
Knowing your family are always there for you?

Yes but also helping them to cope with setbacks, disappointments, building resilience.

Boundaries to make them feel safe, that their parents know what they’re doing (even if we feel like we don’t!)

Feeling listened to.

Thing is children don't really need all that much to be happy tbh. Unless they're in a heavily abusive household most of them would thrive with the things you've listed: Predicability, routine, praise, support etc. What eventually drives people mad is when they're trying to 'exist' in the world but keep getting shot down for whatever reason - be it career expectations, a random attack, unhealthy relationships and those are things you won't be able to control as your children grow/enter adulthood.

The most important thing I'd say is to 'always be there'. We're all just making it up as we go along. There's no rule book to raising children.

that their parents know what they’re doing (even if we feel like we don’t!)

I love that 😂 fake it till you make it (if you ever do!)

Thanks @littlekitten

You sound like you are clear on your values, so stick to that and be flexible on other stuff that doesn’t really matter.

They also absorb more than you teach. If your home is happy and secure then you are off to a good start, if you pretend it’s ok and it’s not then you are teaching them to pretend and hide their feelings.

They also are influenced by so many things, not just you. It is not entirely your responsibility. You can guide but you cannot control it all so surround you family by lovely people

I think I’ve read it’s to do with feeling secure. Apparently even as young adults it’s really important that the home is there for them as a secure and stable place.

Oh and boundaries. They want boundaries even if they don’t know it 🥴

Agree with every point however I don’t think you can guarantee anything. Lots of mental health issues will arise regardless of upbringing, lots are inherited or have biological causes in part. My childhood was less than ideal (parental alcoholism/depression resulting in suicide). 2 other siblings. We all had the same upbringing. One sibling has fairly severe mental health problems, other two are pretty mentally healthy. There is a strong mental illness gene in my family. I do worry about it coming out in my children. My dh has some issues that are 100% caused by his upbringing though. Massively overbearing, controlling and critical mother. Spent childhood being bullied essentially.

Talking a lot. I make sure my children know they can talk to me about anything. A little back rub helps them to relax and they seem to talk more if they have a problem

I think it's so important for children to feel supported, that their parents take an interest in them, interact with them, to not be overly critical and to not create an atmosphere in which your children are really fearful of you. I also don't think children should know about their parents money worries, relationship problems etc. Finally to regularly tell them that they are loved and to show physical affection.

My own childhood lacked all of the above. It was shit.

Boundaries and safe in the knowledge that they can tell you anything. Knowing that they're loved lots of hugs. Also that it's OK for them to make mistakes and not be perfect. Speaking of which there isn't a perfect parent on this planet (but many claim to be!)

Home life is happy, average & normal but no screaming/shouting/drugs anything mental.

Yes to boundaries - I’m working on that now with my 2 year old. Boy is she testing the boundaries!! 🤨

I think love and stability have a lot to do with it.
Knowing your parents will do anything in their power to help you with any problems you're having.

Then a lot of it is down to luck as well. I have 2 dds, and both of them suffer from anxiety to some degree and the older one (19) has also suffered from depression as well this year. I think they have both had fairly decent childhoods, with an awful lot of love and stability in their lives. Sometimes their own personality/genes override anything you can do.

Dd2 started showing signs of anxiety as a baby/toddler, being very distrustful of any adults outside her immediate family and not talking/smiling at anyone. She had selective mutism (an anxiety problem) at the age of 3!!! Honestly there was nothing we could have done to prevent that, it's not as if she'd had anything other than loving and engaged parents, and a wonderful childminder, so her toddler years were very, very stable, but she was still incredibly anxious. She's 9 now and is coming out the other side of the selective mutism, having had a lot of input from preschool, school, childminder, us. She talks to everyone at school, childminders house (regulars only), Brownie's (I am snowy owl, so it's easier), etc. She still doesn't often talk in bigger, busier situations, won't talk to staff in shops etc, but we're working on it, small steps and bribery.

Loving them, listening to them, modelling good relationships and behaviours.
Dead easy written down, way harder for real.

It’s hard isn’t it to find the balance between parent & friend? I want them to always come to me with anything & not feel judged but equally I want them to respect me & the rules.

It’s probably something lots of people find hard to balance, I know I can be to soft which isn’t necessarily terrible now, but when I have 2 teenage daughters I might regret it 🤦🏼‍♀️

Home as a safe place. Being accepted. Respect that works both ways.

I refer to it as the ‘psychic atmosphere’ of the home. I can’t remember who originally coined the expression.

That’s a tough question. And there are lots of things and I’m sure wiser people than me will come along to answer but having a parent who is self aware is surely up there amongst the most important. Being conscious of the way you parent, the atmosphere you create, the way you demonstrate love has got to be at least half the battle.

The very fact you ask the question tells me your children are having a far better childhood than you had.

Self confidence. My brilliant parents gave me and each of my 4 siblings all of the great things on your list and also total self confidence and self belief. As I’ve now come to realise as a grown woman, my ingrained sense of self belief has carried me through many of life’s challenges without affecting my mental health for long and I’ve so far been very thankful that they taught me how to simply keep believing in myself and push on through. They are also very much ‘glass half full’ types and so I naturally look for the good and don’t dwell on the bad. I think a positive outlook and the ability to release and move on from negativity also contributes to good mental health.

I would add to all of this excellent advice, banish the phrase ‘just as long as your happy’ from your vocabulary. Children need to know that it’s absolutely fine, and often absolutely right, to be unhappy and that their parents can cope with them being unhappy. You do not want your children to hide their unhappiness from you.

I have conversations as opposed to rules.

It must be hard to see your daughter struggling like that @MsAwesomeDragon. I hope she progresses well. I was also an anxious child/teen & it only really left me (not totally) as a young adult.

I’m not sure if that’s childhood/genetics in my case. But if I can rule out childhood being the cause with my kids then at least I’ll be reducing the chance.

I just wish I could give them all I’ve learnt in my years so they’d have a head start! I know they have to learn themselves... damn it.

Being there for them to listen, always. Responding to them and praising them for their individuality. Playing and engaging with them and laughing together. But having boundaries in there, it’s a balance but they need to know you’re a parent but have their back.

Parenting them until one of you are dead. Don’t just pull away and stop. My god do I need parents and not having them late teens broke me.

There is a great book called 'brain rules for baby' which is written by a neuroscientist and answers a lot of your questions based on what the science says. Also a great book called 'the book you wished your parents had read'.

@Malteserdiet I agree self confidence/belief can get you through many rough times & also ensure you aren’t treated badly & you just won’t put up with it.

How did your parents do such an amazing job with you & your siblings instilling this, if you don’t mind me asking?

Empathy.

Positive attention.

Parents who have read good parenting books (and had psychotherapy if their own childhoods were not so great).