To ask what you think creates mentally healthy children?

[Trickedia]

I don’t know if that’s worded correctly. But I hope you get where im going. What do you think is important to create a happy home that children can thrive in & grow into confident/happy adults?

I have 2 young children & am terrified of screwing them up (due to my own screwed up childhood.) I don’t want them to grow up with issues. I want them to make the absolute best of themselves.

I know nothing is guaranteed, but what do you think is important?

A calm/predictable home & family?
Lots of Encouragement/praise?
Knowing your family are always there for you?

... they’re the most important thing to me & I want to get this right. I don’t ever want them to feel the way I did.

Mumsnet has such wisdom at times & im hoping for some pearls!

A calm, reliable home with calm(ish) reliable parents
being listened to - MASSIVELY important
Being allowed to have a range of emotions including negative ones such as fear, anger, sadness etc - not having to plaster a Stepford grin on for the parents' sake 24/7
being encouraged to try things that are hard and things that they aspire to, and to keep going after setbacks if those things are worthwhile (but also being allowed to ditch unimportant stuff that makes them miserable)
being allowed friends to visit
when they are small, having parents with zero tolerance of bullying in any form - parents who will stand up to any child or adult who is bullying them
being encouraged to develop necessary life skills and encouraged to believe they can handle difficult circumstances (but equally, being reassured that there will always be back up if they can't handle something)

Thanks @pandarific Googling them both now!

A secure attachment to their primary carer in the baby/toddler years.

consistency is, I think, the biggest key.

Not all parenting is equal and there are successes and failures with every style.

BUT

If you a child know what to expect and it is consistent then you a child can choose what to do whilst being able to predict with reasonable certainty what will happen.

Different children will do better in different situations but at least with consistency the child has some ability to predict that actions have predictable consequences which enables them to plan.

As well as the things mentioned above, research shows outside play to be a big factor. Children need many repeated opportunities to face challenges and risk assess. All the spinning swinging rocking stuff they do has an impact on their brain development (as an aside a friend with a child with disabilities was recently we explaining to me that the movement when they are young helps with pattern formation and therefore maths).
There is loads of research that stuff like forest bathing and swimming in lakes had a positive impact on adult mental health, I've seen less research on kids. I try to ensure mine get a couple of hours outside most days, but we have a garden. 'Playing out' doesn't seem to be a thing round here any more, but we walk them and take them to parks. I think I've got at least another year before the eldest decides she is too old, I might have to think creatively then!

A stable framework and consistent routine. Consistent meal times and bed times.

Consistency in any house rules. More praise than punishment but if you threaten something (eg. no screens or no treat etc), always follow through with it. Children like predictability, but freedom within that stable predictable framework.

Also- time together as a family is more important than money spent.

@Trickedia it’s really tricky to put into words but I think it was something that always ran as an undertone to everyday life and they were great at picking out small examples of when we’d made a good choice over a bad one and sort of made us proud of who we were choosing to be on each occasion when we made a sensible or safe or thoughtful decision over a dangerous or stupid or unthoughtful one. They’d praise us lots and talk to us about how by choosing a good path we’d avoided ending up somewhere we perhaps wouldn’t want to be.
They encouraged kindness and empathy, all the time making sure that we weren’t pushovers and never did anything we didn’t want to do. I really hope I am passing this on to my own dc as the older I get the more I realise how lucky I was to have such a good childhood setup. By the very fact you care enough to think about how to set your children up for well mental health I’m sure you will do great. We are all only doing our best!

Thank you for that, your parents sound absolutely lovely @Malteserdiet

Also can I just add that I very much admire parents who perhaps didn’t have such role model parenting growing up and yet are determined to do better for their own children. I feel lucky that I can fall back on a model I think worked well. A great friend of mine had a very absent mother and no real example of how to parent while she was growing up and she is absolutely determined that her dc will enjoy a very different and very supported childhood and they are all doing great.

Ooh I forgot the most important bit, imho.
Give the child a sense that you actually like them and value their presence.
I go a bit ott on this, but I think it is really important.
I used to run parenting programmes and sometimes parents would struggle for various reasons. But the only parent I ever thought I had not helped at all just didn't give the impression that she liked her child or that anything he did could ever be good enough.
The fact that you a thinking about this suggests that you have the self awareness to realise that your behaviour impacts on your child. Just remember that as well as physical growth spurts they have mental / psychological ones. So something that you thought you had sussed might suddenly become an issue. That's fine and normal, you just might need to review your strategies. Don't think that you were doing something wrong!

Lots of great ideas here. Consistency, honesty and positive support are others. Its been interesting to watch our DD's school year move on with their lives since they graduated. The lost ones struggling to find their place are the ones whose Parents showed no encouragement whatever or told them they could not do what they had hoped to do.

I think love, hugs and calm too.
Allowing kids to do things themselves and being allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.
Being listened to and having their opinions and decisions valued or explained if they’re not good ones.

I also think more outside time, less time on gadgets, particularly on games or apps rather than tv which they can watch with family members.
There have been studies to show that being outside in nature is really beneficial for mental health for everyone.

what people have mentioned above but to build confidence;

• let them do things that is out of their comfort zone - join extra-curricular clubs outside of their usual friendship groups, try something new, don't let them quit when it becomes hard.

• Make sure they have a sense of community whether that's religion, a club, volunteering, sport, supporting a team etc - a sense of belonging.

• Let them make their own mistakes/ try to over come difficulties - advise and give love along the way but give them independence.

A lot of people have given great advice on the home environment on this thread.

I would add keep an eye on what they do online. By the time they get to that stage, it will probably be something other than Instagram and Snapchat but these can be really bad for teens and their self image. There are also a lot of communities online where people almost glamourise mental illness and this can be really problematic.

Show them positive and healthy role models. Find them a hobby so they can have friends outside of school and have a source of self esteem that isn't just their looks and popularity.

Hopefully by the time they get to GCSE and A-level, it won't feel too all or nothing for them. Whilst encouraging them to work hard is important, try to avoid building up major anxiety around exams. Keep an open dialogue and let them know your love isn't conditional on them doing well.

Give them a fall back option. Let them know that no matter what happens you will help them pick up the pieces.

But yes it is complicated, because they may have a genetic predisposition to something, and you can't control what life throws at them.

Love.

Your time.

Keeping their best interests first and foremost at all times. This can manifest in many different ways (support, discipline, slacking off sometimes, boundaries, loyalty, empathy, sympathy, tough love etc).

Boundaries. Safety. Healthy food, time to play and time to relax. Education with a balanced, low-pressure curriculum that puts the whole child at the centre. The arts - especially making and hearing music, and singing together with others. Playing sports and games and physical activity. Enough sleep. Having their voice heard and opinions considered. Feeling justice has been reached when things go wrong. The space and opportunity to build their confidence in themselves and with a variety of situations. The ability to explore who they are as a person, what they like and dislike and how they want to express themselves. Someone non-judgemental to chat to about their worries. Someone to reassure them. Someone who they know loves them unconditionally.

I’d add that I am determined to pass on a love of a few things to my kid. Let’s call them healthy hobbies? They might have physical benefits (hiking) or mental/emotional benefit (gardening) or teach them life skills (team sports, cooking).

I’m not fussed which hobbies, really, but obviously I lean towards the ones I’ve got experience in and love. If my kid expresses interest in different hobbies I support her in that. Hobbies have enrichened my life enormously, exposed me to diverse folk and brought me a lot of comfort in hard times.

She’s young yet, but I’m conscious that hobbies can provide important outlets for the teen years. And dilute the influence that her schoolmates can have on teens. If I’ve introduced her to hobbies early, it’s in the hope that 10 years on her skills will be a good basis for self-esteem.

Other strategies I use are related to current research on resilience, and body autonomy. Also personal responsibility, and social justice. I’m convinced these are the pillars of ‘a good life’ and give kids a strong sense of their place in the world.

Thanks for all the great advice on here, things have been mentioned I hadn’t even thought of so I’ve definitely learnt some new tactics going forward in this mental parenting journey!

Google attachment theory, the most important thing is to build a secure base where the child knows adults are responsive to their needs.

I would say building a healthy body image is vital, especially in girls.

Instill a belief in themselves and their abilities and worth as a human being.

Encourage independence and the ability to explore the world, kids need age appropriate freedom and space away from adults to explore the world.

Think about what you'd like your children to believe, then what you can do to foster that e.g. to believe 'Its ok to fail sometimes' - you can model trying something even though you're not great at it, praising their effort over achievement, allowing them opportunities to make mistakes etc.

Lots of physical contact when babies/ little.

Be mindful of what they observe in you and practice what you preach.

There's a great book called The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel which is based on neuroscience but really easy read, ans focusses on how to respond to children's emotions- can really recommend it.

- Make sure they have a sense of community whether that's religion, a club, volunteering, sport, supporting a team etc - a sense of belonging.

I don't often see this mentioned but I think it's so important. It's a great gift to give a child a community. Not always possible but you can try where you can to build ties with your chosen community, in any of the ways the above poster suggested.

To go with the community one, try to ensure that there are other adults in your child’s life - Yes, uncles, aunts and grandparents, but also friends/godparents. When you are a teen and it seems that everyone in your house hates you, it’s great to have an extra adult as a sounding board!

Can I suggest reading Phillippa Perry's The Book You Wish Your Parents has read

I found it very useful for this

Kindness, consistency, being valued, being listened to. A secure place to launch from and return to.
I agree about the Phillipa Perry book.