To ask what you think creates mentally healthy children?

[Trickedia]

I don’t know if that’s worded correctly. But I hope you get where im going. What do you think is important to create a happy home that children can thrive in & grow into confident/happy adults?

I have 2 young children & am terrified of screwing them up (due to my own screwed up childhood.) I don’t want them to grow up with issues. I want them to make the absolute best of themselves.

I know nothing is guaranteed, but what do you think is important?

A calm/predictable home & family?
Lots of Encouragement/praise?
Knowing your family are always there for you?

... they’re the most important thing to me & I want to get this right. I don’t ever want them to feel the way I did.

Mumsnet has such wisdom at times & im hoping for some pearls!

I think the most important thing is a secure attachment to a parent figure.
It goes hand in hand with all sort of important things - good self esteem, strong trusting relationships.

Connection with caregivers. Feeling they are heard and they have a voice.
A parent sincerely apologising when they get it wrong.
Feeling valued.
Parents modelling good behaviours including communicating with each other.

Be authentic and genuine. You are not a stepford mum, you are a person with your own rights, values, and ethics. When they cross your boundaries or make you feel disrespected or hurt, or do something you disagree with, let them know and let them know why.
Have as few rules as possible, make them about personal safety and respect and consideration for others (nothing else matters when it comes down to it), but make them non negotiable. Impose sanctions when they're breeched.

I think it's routine, stability and boundaries.

I made plenty of mistakes bringing mine up, but they're healthy grounded and happy adults. I couldn't ask for more than that.

There's no such thing as a perfect parent - just being one that your DC can trust is enough.

Zombie thread from 2019, but still relevant

Children need to feel safe, settled and secure. Predictable routines are helpful. And consistent boundaries

Praise effort, not results

Criticise behaviour, not the child

Share some of your own disappointment, and how you dealt with it eg "I was a bit upset today because X. To make myself feel better, I did Y"

Encourage them to read

Sport is great for resilience. Sometimes, you do your best but the other team are better. And next week, you go back and try again

I do think stability is big for kids.

Praise can be over-done - there is some good research that suggests that it can actually make kids feel less secure.

I agree. The praise needs to be authentic and deserved, otherwise it loses value.
I think its also very difficult for people who've had their mediocre efforts and achievements praised to the hilt, when they inevitably enter an environment where certain standards are the expectation, and not everything they do receives a round of applause.

I too am uncomfortable with this sort of statement although there is some truth in it. Each child has a different genetic predisposition, different levels of ability and different family set ups in terms of wealth, privilege, family's social and cultural capital etc. Those who are not so blessed in regards to these factors operate from a huge deficit. A child that has undiagnosed dyslexia or is neurodiverse has to manage so many more social challenges, kids are mean and will make them feel unvalued and often adults, while well meaning, can be quite ignorant about children's unique challenges.

Encouraging kids to keep going, not give up, work hard is all great but if the world is persistently challenging for a child due to their personal circumstances, it's the world that needs to become kinder and more enabling. I hate the 'be kind' advertising slogans everywhere but in a kind society people look after each other, there will be support and assistive structures for disabled children, access to food and basic needs are met reliably and without humiliation. Parents today face many challenges, time poverty if both are working and economic poverty if parents are not in work. Workplaces have become insanely demanding and ridiculously inhumane so working parents' mental health is often not great.

We are all in this together, you don't just teach a child resilience you make resilience happen.

People need the ability to cope in order to deal with life's stresses. When an individual believes he or she has the resources to respond effectively to the challenges they experience and develop resilience and confidence. We as parents but also society as a whole need to provide these resources by putting well thought out support structures in place. This does not mean everyone has got to be a winner all the time but it means having a context where we experience connection and support.

When children experience challenge after challenge they will burn out and develop PTSD.