To ask what you think creates mentally healthy children?

[Trickedia]

I don’t know if that’s worded correctly. But I hope you get where im going. What do you think is important to create a happy home that children can thrive in & grow into confident/happy adults?

I have 2 young children & am terrified of screwing them up (due to my own screwed up childhood.) I don’t want them to grow up with issues. I want them to make the absolute best of themselves.

I know nothing is guaranteed, but what do you think is important?

A calm/predictable home & family?
Lots of Encouragement/praise?
Knowing your family are always there for you?

... they’re the most important thing to me & I want to get this right. I don’t ever want them to feel the way I did.

Mumsnet has such wisdom at times & im hoping for some pearls!

Lots of encouragement and praise is great but be careful about how you do it. Constantly praising a child can also have negative effects. Telling them they are the best at something can leave them genuinely all shook up when they realise they actually aren't. Telling them they are really, really smart can mean they value innate intelligence over effort. So praise them realistically and make sure they understand that all parents feel like their kids are the best. So they always feel loved and secure with you but not delusional about their abilities.

I’ve always seen it as my job to teach them independence so when they become adults they are able to care for themselves in the real world without it being a shock.

So boundaries, freedom to get bored (ie not doing a structured activity every moment), freedom to make mistakes. Supporting them and enabling their interests. Being there when they need you. Allowing them to develop resilience to disappointment and challenges. When they are older supporting them in finding work, explaining how bills, bank accounts and all the stuff they don’t teach at school works. The more prepared they are and the more trust and responsibilities they develop the more confident they are as they move into adulthood.

A lot of the MH issues I’ve seen are caused by lack of boundaries, lack of age appropriate freedom and trust and being treated as a younger child for too long with too much indulgence.

... and not wrapping children into cotton wool.

The amount of 9 or 10 year olds in my street who are not allowed to leave the house with mum and dad, who are always helicoptered and protected. I shudder.

I think it's important to give them trust, let them roam free and give them some responsibility (within reason) and push them out of their comfort zones at times rather than overprotecting them at all costs (which seems to be the norm if I look at my circle of friends/neighbours) . I don't think this is healthy.

Love stability and security

Sadly, the best we can do for our children is to help them built resilience and for that we need to let them experience difficulties so they can learn that they capable of facing them and get over them. This in turn is what gives them a sense of trust in their capacities and confidence.

Problem is it goes against all our instinct, and indeed, your first OP eluded to giving them extra security and reassurance.

I think kids nowadays chronically lack self esteem and confidence because they are not given the chance to learn self protection as all sources of it comes from the adults in their lives.

Planned pregnancy in first place so the child is wanted and welcomed by both parents.
Secure attachment from birth.
Clear boundaries and expectations
Allowing them to learn to fail and address own relationships rather than parents intervention all the while
Achievement
Exercise
Good sleep hygiene
The word ‘no’ from an early age
Measured risk taking
A degree of autonomy and decision making within a clear structure.

Planned pregnancy in first place so the child is wanted and welcomed by both parents.

Jesus, that didn't take long

I was not a mentally healthy child, and I think the factors contributing to this were- poor mental health of my mother, an unhappy marriage resulting in a nasty split when I was 18 months old, being looked after by nannies and not the same one consistently either (my mum sacked one for getting to close to me, she got jealous).

I also then had two step parents to contend with.

I was a mess by age 6.

I think the mental health of your parents is a bigger factor than most people realise.

Just to add, you can show love and support by still allowing kids to face difficulties. It means helping them through the process rather than not letting them face them in the first place.

I see so many parents who try so hard to look for solutions to avoid their kids facing the situations that make them anxious rather than supporting them through it. The latter is much more showing them love than the former.

My childhood was like this:

When I was a few months old my mom had PND and walked out on me for six months.

Hers and my dad’s relationship was very hostile, they weren’t particularly nice or considerate of each other and ultimately they divorced when I was 5 after an affair.

I then saw my mom go through various boyfriends, one of whom was violent towards her.

I was in childcare full time, 5 days a week.

Growing up I never really had a good relationship with my mom. We got on fine but there was never a close bond/attachment.

Nothing I did was good enough - she criticised me, made passive aggressive comments towards me about various things I did and I was always bought up as the least favoured child (I had a sister).

However, I’ve turned out fine, I’ve got a degree, a good job, a lovely husband and two lovely children. I’m emotionally stable and very content and happy in life.

My point is that you can have all the best plans in the world as to how to bring your children up ‘right’ to ensure they turn out “mentally healthy” but on the flip side, children who aren’t bought up in the best environments can also turn out mentally healthy too.

All you can do is your best OP, that’s all any of us set out to do.

I know what you mean, I had an abusive childhood and feel like I don’t know how to be a parent because of it

ShiftHappens. No not long but surprisingly people still think it has no impact - or refuse to see the evidence. It’s not that all single mothers are dreadful, far from it, but that the outcomes for children born of unplanned pregnancy are worse. That includes mental health.

Every child should, surely, be wanted and welcomed.

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165178110003033

To be honest my parents did all of those things, I was brought up to be confident, I could talk about ANYTHING, I had great morals instilled in me. I was taught how to deal with problems that arose etc etc. I never wanted for love and attention, they always listened, I had clear boundaries. Etc etc and guess what??

As an adult/parent I suffered from PND, I have self doubt, etc etc. I truly don’t think it’s possible to bring someone up to be completely untouched by mental health issues in some way, shape or form! Why? Because there are contributing factors to the world than your parenting, you cannot change how their brain works essentially and what they think (truly think), it only one sentence from a friend to form a wormhole in someone’s mind. “Oh but they will always know they can talk to me” you say ...well yes but they may choose not too! And that is ok too.
A friend of mine had a family full of Lots of Encouragement/praise and it made her hyper sensitive to it! Her mother drove her insane with her glass half full, you can be anything mentality! So much so that she floated through life doing not much just to annoy her mum 🤷‍♀️

I’m not saying that what you are doing isn’t going to create mentally healthy children/adults, what I AM saying is please don’t put pressure on yourself and feel like you have failed if something arises! Because it might! Although I’m sure they will be just fine! 💕

@QueenofmyPrinces, my childhood was quite similar to yours, certainly one that most people considered a tough one for a child, but like you, I ended doing very well.

Looking back, I had to learn to cope. My childhood wasn't as bad as being neglected and unloved, I was just left to my devices a lot, and mostly had to learn to cope with constant changes, and adapt to new situations and environments. It was hard then, but it made me confident in myself and it's that confidence and resilience that has kept me strong in hard times.

Take them out. I always felt sorry for the kids in my road stuck in all day, when ours were out and about in the countryside, experiencing and seeing life.

A stable family home
Boundaries
Love and praise
Honesty
Corrective action where needed
Friends
Exercise
Healthy diet
Medical care
Education
A sense of perspective

In the end, I think the best we can do bringing up our children is:

1. Recognise they are all individuals, not just the product of our education and we need to adapt our approaches according to their needs.
2. Be observant and respond to needs as they arise.
3. Don't stop kids doing things because of our own anxieties.
4. Show them we still love them and believe in them even when they are pains in the bum.

Not to overindulge in negative feelings - how to keep bad thoughts in proportion. Obviously serious issues need serious attention but I don’t think it is healthy to spend 45 mins dissecting negative thoughts about a playground fallout which will be forgotten tomorrow.

Will probably get shot down for this but attending to all needs - even if that means giving a cuddle back to sleep at 3am.

Form a positive attachment.

Stay at home with them if financially possible.

I realise my views may sound outdated and I understand not everyone agrees and that is fine!

I agree with you @CarolineKate.

Be there for them. Can't hurt. But completely respect and understand not everyone can or wants to and that lots of other methods work very well. But your method is the one that feels instinctively right to me.

I read once I think in the Times that it's important you don't fill every moment of a child's day and that being bored is good for a child as it makes them use their imagination to fill that time. You mustn't praise everything they do as though they are the second coming, it becomes a problem when reality kicks in that they aren't amazing at everything and can't remember the other one. Although that's slightly off point. There was another one but can5 remember it.

Most of all I think it's handy to remember it is your job is to make them into decent independent adults. Don't shield them from life's hardships, just explain things in an age appropriate manner. Bad things happen but not making them capable of dealing with those things is v v dangerous.

Self esteem
internal locus of control
helping them name and understand their feelings - ‘oh that’s so frustrating isn’t it, it’s ok, you can have a turn again in a minute’ etc
My 4 year old does a lot of deep breathing around his little brother 😄

I think activities like sport or scouts help

Oh also not teaching them to use their bodies to please others - forcing them to hug and kiss relatives etc. That’s sure to mess them up IMO. My nieces are made to do this and it feels so awkward and uncomfortable.

Unconditional love and modelling resilience (teaching children when to forget small hurts, hoe to treat negative emotions in proportion etc). When I see parents who validate every little emotion and turn their child’s feelings into the most significant thing in the universe I feel so sorry for the children.