To ask what you think creates mentally healthy children?

[Trickedia]

I don’t know if that’s worded correctly. But I hope you get where im going. What do you think is important to create a happy home that children can thrive in & grow into confident/happy adults?

I have 2 young children & am terrified of screwing them up (due to my own screwed up childhood.) I don’t want them to grow up with issues. I want them to make the absolute best of themselves.

I know nothing is guaranteed, but what do you think is important?

A calm/predictable home & family?
Lots of Encouragement/praise?
Knowing your family are always there for you?

... they’re the most important thing to me & I want to get this right. I don’t ever want them to feel the way I did.

Mumsnet has such wisdom at times & im hoping for some pearls!

@CherryPavlova are you ok?

Not being in their face all the time - allow them to entertain themselves and be able to be alone/quiet.

Also agree with a pp who said care is needed with praise - it shouldn't be all the time or give them delusional views, or lead to them being afraid to fail - ensure they know failure is ok, good even, as they can learn from it and try again. Also praising effort rather than intelligence is important.

In the words of Jordan B Peterson

• don't let your children do anything that makes you dislike them (or you will raise children that other people won't like either)

• don't bother children when they are skateboarding (don't overprotect or smother them)

So true

Ensuring they feel it's their home too. Growing up I always felt the house was my step dad's - even though he and my mum bought it when they got married. I think it was partly because of how strict he was - no leaning on the wall paper/no feet on sofas - so I never felt at home. Even now when I visit I feel unwelcome.

Planned pregnancy in first place so the child is wanted and welcomed by both parents.
Secure attachment from birth.

Idiotic comment. I guess mine is fucked up already then!

Treat them as individuals - not an extension of you.

Encourage mistakes/failures - don't always rush in to correct them. you're an adult and therefore usually going to be right/know the right way to do something, but choosing when to use that knowledge is powerful. Eg can you set the table for dinner - you see there are no forks, serving spoon etc. Don't tell them. Wait and let the consequences play out (can't eat dinner!) and get them to correct it. You can do age appropriate variations of this for all sorts of things.

Accept you are not shaping a 'perfect' human, no such thing exists - they will be perfectly imperfect - humanly fallible, and that's OK.

I watched a short video on Facebook by a child psychologist(I think it was called Goalcast).
He said the 3 most important things for happy families were:

Love, Liimits and Laughter.

Don't ridicule your children if they don't know something / don't know how to do something - particularly if you haven't taught them.

Be reliably present and available. Don't assume your child will always tell your when something is upsetting them - this includes pre-teens.

I'd actually say not too much praise. Stuff one read says to be realistic in praise and specific. For example 'I saw how hard you tried prqcticing for your spelling test' is better than saying 'you're fantastic at spelling' as they know they were good on the day and it puts pressure on them and gives them a fear of failure and expectation of always needing praise to do something. Apparently!

AmIright - yes you are. Praise for effort and improvement. Instead of ‘you’re so clever’ it’s better to say ‘ I can see you’ve really thought about that and come up with a clever solution’
In that way children trust their process and ability to solve things, rather than just the generic and rather meaningless ‘clever’.

"Planned pregnancy in first place so the child is wanted and welcomed by both parents."

Unfortunately I've known IVF babies who've been abandoned by one of their Parents.

I only know what I do with my girls. Feeling stable is everything and I tell them daily I will always be there..
Back along dd1 didn't get picked for something and was very upset. I needed to think about it for a while but in the end I told her that as an adult you remember the times you did get picked much more and the times you were overlooked will fade. Sure enough she won a writing prize soon after that only she could have been picked for. She said 'you were right mummy x doesn't matter any more this is better'. I think a strengths perspective can work really well

Honestly a few years ago I thought I had it all right and was a bit smug. My children were happy, well adjusted, doing well at school. They were all encouraged to be themselves and follow their dreams etc. I'd split from ex-h but we were still good friends, Co parenting well 50/50 and I have a calm, happy, chilled out life. Ive always worked hard to provide for them and we live in a nice town with good schools.

However, I now have 3 kids with issues as they've got older. I don't think you can get it right really. It's a sad state of affairs but ultimately they're human beings, there's only so much you can do. I had an abusive childhood with a psychotic mother and I've tried my best to be the complete opposite and have failed.

@StormBaby - we try our best though. Like you I had a very difficult childhood - was mainly neglected, so I overcompensated and am a bit like the mother a PP said is disastrous, who makes her her child's emotion the centre of the universe (guilty) . I've been back pedalling to try and undo this.
And my dad, horrible though he was, was actually trying to be a better parent to us than he had. He hated boarding school so he insisted we went to a normal local comp. Didn't work for me at all, but his aim was well-intentioned.

@stormbaby please don't say you have failed, you haven't! Far from it, you were able to change the pattern from your childhood and that is quite simply amazing and something you should be proud of. Not all mental health issues are learnt, and all the skill sets and learning in the world can't change chemistry. You can only continue being there for them

Be able to apologise and to admit when you're wrong (not necessarily the same thing).

Suitable boundaries at every different age- and stick to them. Kids need to feel secure and boundaries really help.
Talk to them- don't make any subject taboo.
And listen to them, so they know they can talk to you.
Don't 'big' them up too much. Don't keep telling them they're amazing/wonderful all the time, and after they do everything. It makes them self centred . Praise them where its needed- when they've worked hard at something and done well for example, not just for tidying toys up. DO NOT be afraid to tell them if they've upset you, or done something you're not happy about- that's life: it's not always going to be a bed of roses. Likewise, they need to learn that sometimes they have to do things that they don't like doing, or don't want to do, but it's tough. We go through life having to do things we don't want to do that we can't get out of.
And no means no!

Thanks @Cakemadeoffruit and @milliefiori, I guess we can only try our best.

I agree with most of what's been said on this thread. (Except the point about being a sahp - the research says being in childcare makes small differences to children - both positive and negative - but any differences even out by about seven.)

Be warm and loving, but provide clear consistent boundaries. Let your kids run around and take risks. Give them as much freedom as you can trust them with. Allow them to make mistakes. Support them to do things that scare them.

Provide as many loving adults in their lives as possible. Give them a chance to do a hobby they choose for themselves. Accept them for who they are and help them be the best version of that.

And recognise that you aren't trying to shield your child from shit. Shit happens. You could give them a perfect upbringing, and they still get hit by a car aged ten and ends up with crippling PTSD. You are trying to teach them how to deal with shit when it does happen, as it inevitably will.

And look after yourself and your relationship too. If you and your partner are happy and secure, that makes a huge difference. Growing up in an unhappy family is very hard, no matter how good at parenting your parents are.

Love, support, information.
Negotiating boundaries as they get older. Giving them the information to help them make good choices. Letting them experience (safe) consequences of poor choices.
Being open to discussion - answering questions openly and easily.
Encourage an understanding or the wider world beyond the family and community.
Modelling an ability to say sorry when you mess up.

I'd suggest that three books would be worth reading; unconditional parenting by Alfie kohn, why love matters by sue Gerhardt and no bad kids by Janet lansbury. Maybe how to talk so kids will listen as well and taking children seriously (I forget the author).

And I agree it's not about shielding or preventing every bad feeling or experience, it's about supporting them through those so that they learn good skills to deal with the hard times too.

But obviously you can't prevent everything but I think all of this would give them the best chance.

I'd add to the book recommendations 'Simplicity Parenting' - can't remember the author, but a good insight into how to create a stable base for kids

Being heard
Being loved
Being given boundaries

I think having happy parents who have positive relationships with those around them makes it more likely they'll model those relationships. And I think helping them fix their mistakes rather than guilting them for them makes life so much better; we've had a bit of a shitshow over the last week from DS1 who is 13. Rather than guilt or shame him, we worked out a way to put it right and moved on. I'm hopeful that he's learned far more than he would have from a bollocking.

The other thing for me is always being their biggest fan. Not in a braggy way, because nobody wants to hear braggy parents. But in a quiet "you've got this" way. I let mine push themselves and take risks and make decisions when it's suitable because I believe that they're smarter and stronger than we know.

Keep a division between children and adults.

I see a lot of people who think they are "open and honest" with their children, only they are taking it too far.

Children below a certain age don't want to know about how you're financially struggling or about your marriage problems or about all the horrible things that happen in the world.

Obviously you have to explain to some extent - "no you can't have the toy, we have to pay for the car to be fixed this week" but no need for a 45 minute explanation of your finances or of all the ways your husband is annoying you.

Some things you can't hide, and nor should you, but I'd say 75% of the stuff I've heard parents "explain" to their child, they should have kept to themselves.

In my experience, kids don't want to know, they don't understand the full context of most adult issues, and it leads to anxiety as they feel powerless